#savannahrants

[labelleflambino]

Alright ladies and gentlemen it's "Savannah Rant Time™"

I'm kind of angry about something that had to do with "relationships". It's one thing if you feel you're not ready for a full-blown relationship because you feel scared, vulnerable, or you have a really bad history with relationships. It's another thing when you KNOW you're not ready for a relationship, you go out looking to find someone ANYWAY, and then when the person you're with asks you to define the parameters and clarify at later stages of the connection/relationship you're at and you throw out "I'm not ready to be mutually exclusive at all and I'm not ready to be fully committed". PLEASE PLEASE P L E A S E define the parameters of whatever you're going to looking for early because that other person's time, affection, energy, is wasted if you don't have that direct and clear communications. Please don't fuck around with that other person, because that person is going to reach a point where you're not worth their time anymore.

[all-around-the-multiverse]

Sometimes I feel really overwhelmed by how many accounts for various shit I have.. like Netflix, Youtube, Facebook (I have two of those, a personal and one for family) I have two email accounts, a Tumblr, an Etsy account, Microsoft, then there’s Amazon, and Origin, and Steam... it feels like a lot, and I’m ridiculously paranoid because apparently my things have a habit of getting hacked and stolen so all of those accounts have like two step protection and text codes and randomly generated codes and shit.. 

[all-around-the-multiverse]

Being aware and rational about your emotions and how they work, but also very anxious and bipolar is honestly the worst combination. 

Waking up the past three mornings to some new disaster because I’m literally a walking beacon for bad luck; I feel like I’m going to throw up, the anxiety is so bad. What’s worse than that, I think, is coupling that with loneliness, and feeling isolated from everything, and everyone. Feeling like I’m stuck in my current situation, because.. well I am. Who knows why I’m even bothering to post this shit. I don’t normally post personal crap, and even now it’s extremely vague, but I need to get it out into the ether, I guess; writing is, after all, therapeutic. 

Being able to recognize when I’m being irrational, or rationalize a worry is super helpful normally - it’s how I'm able to cope with being bipolar without medication - but keeping that up 24/7 is an unrealistic goal. I’m going to have my lows, no matter how peppy and upbeat I try to keep myself, and when they hit, they hit hard.. usually when I’m already down; the universe is funny like that. 

I need a vacation from my own life. Not because it’s hectic, or busy, but because it feels like it’s in shambles more often than not. Like a pile of mismatched puzzle pieces that I’m meant to somehow fit together. Maybe that’s normal though, maybe every twenty two year old feels that way. Young adulthood is supposedly the most stressful time in one’s life; when you’re expected to know how to be a proper adult, but have absolutely zero experience.  Comforting, I suppose, to know I’m not a total failure. 

[all-around-the-multiverse]

My gramma is always asking me if I have a boyfriend yet, and I'm just like... 'do I need one? I wasn't aware this was a goal for me' and I think it has something to do with the generation she grew up in, because my great grandmother asks me the same thing. Like, I know you mean well, but the biggest goal in my life isn't to get a husband. 

[all-around-the-multiverse]

Hughes net can suck fucking donkey dick. What the FUCK is the point of providing internet service for people who are in the middle of nowhere if the fucking service works like shit?? They claim to be high speed internet but I just sat loading a tumblr post that had a single gif in it for twenty minutes. They have weird fucking 'data usage' like they're a cell phone company, and the most they provide my area with is like 25 gigs. It was slower than fuck to begin with, and even slower when we ran out of data.  Maybe I'm being too harsh, maybe they're doing their best, but what is the point of even paying for internet if it doesn't work? Why spend my money on something that I can hardly use?

[labelleflambino]

Man, it's tough to go to any kind of event when there's 15+ people there who have deemed you the weird one because you tried being a friend. I guess I can add this summer to my list of "Summers I stayed home because I'm not good enough to go outside for other people".