OC/s: XSCII (POV)
Status: Canon
Warning/s: Implied past panic attack; referenced injury; minor breakdown; mentioned mpreg.
WC: 1060
XSCII looked at themselves in the mirror, trying to put on a convincing smile. Studying their expression in the mirror it soon slipped off; it might just be to their far-to-knowing eyelights but all they could see was how tired they looked. How fake and put upon the smile looked; the way it didn’t reach their sockets, the tightness in the way their features were held. Despite having multiple lifetimes of practice? XSCII just couldn’t look convincingly okay, not to their own lights.
They slipped off one of their arm warmers and twisted the fabric tightly between their hands, needing something to hold onto other than themselves. Continuing to stare into the mirror XSCII tried again, doing their best to conjure up a happy smile. It wasn’t like they didn’t have so many things to be happy over right now? They. They shouldn’t be feeling like this right now. The smile still fell flat. XSCII focused their mind on Xai and the pups, how stars damn excited they were to finally be going to have a family; how excited they all were to be expecting. The smile which had been looking more genuine faded once their thoughts landed on Xwap. Oh, oh Xwap. Their… [mate] [love] most precious.
He… well. XSCII could admit to themselves he had been such a fool. Their eyelights had notably dimmed as soon as they hit that train of thought; of being reminded of what had almost happened, what had happened. The grip they had was almost painful with how tight it was, trying to distract themselves from their current thoughts; to ground themselves in the present. They were far too caught up in the past, in something that was over and done with. XSCII shook their skull, like that would manage to clear the thoughts that had been sticking in their mind like glue. Dragging down their mood. Clouding their judgement and awareness. Making them weak, useless.
They inhaled through their nasal, holding a deep breath in their non-existent lungs; sockets shutting as they exhaled. Forcing their shoulders to drop, their posture to relax. Everything was fine. They were fine. There was no reason for them to be like this. None at all. XSCII was doing their best to ignore the haunting echoes of panic that still spiralled across their mind when they thought too hard about that day. The phantom pangs in their radioulnar and ribs. The feeling of falling completely apart, shattering into a million pieces.
Turning sharply on their heels, unable to face looking at themselves any longer, they made the short journey to the bed; flopping backwards onto it. Skull missing the pillow, instead just hitting their mattress. XSCII closed their sockets and took another deep breath, holding it in until the need to breath burned in their teeth. Exhaling heavily, trying to force all their emotions out with the air. This was just… so unlike them. Being so hung up on something. Sure, they almost died but who cares? Wouldn’t be the first time, not even as XSCII, and likely won’t be the last either. Sure, Xwap… well. It is better not thought about. Nothing deadly major had happened to him or at least nothing that he couldn’t learn to live with; over time.
XSCII dropped their warmer somewhere, uncaringly, sockets still shut. They blindly rolled over to find their pillow, burying their skull in it. Sighing loudly into it, the noise ending in an all too distressed whine. Phalanges curling into their blanket, jaw clenched shut. Doing their best to fight back the urge to just start sobbing. They kind they knew would soak their pillow and make their soul ache; they’d already done it before after all. Right here, in this moment they felt so… [broken] imperfect rattled. Shaken to their very core.
It. It wasn’t like XSCII hadn’t tried. Tried to talk with their partners about this. Let the dam break and beg Xwap to talk with them about what had happened. It had helped. The talk. They weren’t going to pretend otherwise and didn’t even want to think about how much worse they’d be right now if they hadn’t. A large part of that burden had lifted from their shoulders but their little ‘secret,’ the fact they almost died, still sat in their mind like a lead weight. It was eating them up inside, not being able to say anything about it. It wasn’t like they were trying to keep it a secret, not really; they just didn’t want to hurt anyone. And this was a secret which would hurt, would wound. They knew from the pain it was causing them.
They couldn’t tell Xink, not if they didn’t want to appear weak and unworthy. They couldn’t tell Xide because they didn’t want to rile him up or mention what’d happened with Xwap to him. They couldn’t tell Xai because they refused to put that kind of stress on him while he was pregnant; what he’d seen was bad enough. They… they couldn't tell Xwap what he’d done to them because they knew he might not forgive himself for it… It. It would feel too much like revenge to Xwap. No matter how much they still wanted to, wanted him to know what he’d done in his recklessness.
Rolling over slightly the unburied one socket, cracking it open. Staring blankly at the opposite wall. It was a bitter pill to swallow. Having to keep their almost-death a sort-of secret. It wasn't even like they hadn’t tried telling Xwap about it when they talked. The words just… stuck in their throat. Mind rebelling when they tried to just put them down. Instead they tried to lay out ‘bait;’ offer up chances for him to question. He just. Didn’t. Seemed to almost refuse to ask any questions about what went down; at least to XSCII…
Just thinking about this whole thing had them feeling exhausted. They made a half-hearted inquiry as to the time; finding it to be acceptably late they decided they might as well sleep. Even if they wouldn’t normally? They were already laying in bed anyways, what would be the harm in just closing their sockets. Stopping having to think about all of this. Putting it all away for another day, a later time. Surely they’ll deal with it eventually, in the near future…
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
AN: So uh my poor sweet thing is really going through a hard time right about now and they don't at all know what to do about it </2
Tag/s: @t3m1 @kiokublue (bc well ya know... Xtrio)
(feel free to ask to be tagged!!)
