#scootcommander personal

[scootcommander]

Paris, 2023

[scootcommander]

Last week an Uber driver apologized for his classical music and cited his age. I told him that I enjoy it and, in fact, one of my favorite playlists is called lute music for alchemists. We didn’t speak the rest of the ride and I’ve been thinking about it every day since.

[scootcommander]

When Shakespeare said that expectation is the root of all heartache, he was right. I’m in communion with the moon so I talk to her about the ache I feel because no one taught me what to do when life shifts so that the things you once counted on are no longer there. Gilmore Girls taught me how to wallow and when it was time to move on but that always applied to boys so what am I supposed to do when it’s friendship and rituals and things that I didn’t expect to hurt so much? Will I always be in mourning for the parts of me I am losing, the history that I’ve come to rely on, the traditions we built that suddenly are replaced? I don’t know what to do with these things. So I sit with the disappointing ache, turning questions over in my mind, playing out scenarios until my mind turns itself off from the stress. Some people tell me I feel too much, but there was a time I felt very little and was told that was wrong also. I am left adrift in not knowing what constitutes the right amount of emotion to allow myself to feel. There are times I want to shout and over-explain myself and demand they see what is happening to me, yet my mind reminds me that other people get to choose. It is unfair to ask more of them than that. I cannot force ritual, or communication, or comfort. 

Once, when I was extremely disappointed at having to spend my birthday getting sunburned while watching my brother play lacrosse, my mother told me that my expectations of others were too high, that someday I’d have to find someone who could meet me there but it would be near impossible because no one cares about birthdays as much as I did. So I tried to lower my expectations but I never did stop getting hurt. 

I’m sure it’s not a big deal.