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The Signs as types of potatoes

ARIES: Boiled potato

TAURUS: A hench jacket potato overfilled with tuna

GEMINI: French fries

CANCER: Mashed potato

LEO: Crisps

VIRGO: Sweet potato

LIBRA: A potato from the ground

SCORPIO: Extra burnt potato

SAGITTARIUS: Wedgies

CAPRICORN: A cold uncooked potato

AQUARIUS: Magic mushroom stuffed potato

PISCES: Apple bacon stuffed sweet potato

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A roast of why The Signs piss me OFF

ARIES: The simplest of questions often require you to have a 3 minute spazz out and a reflection of the last two weeks of your life. Yet you think you’re the best at everything and become super hyped assholes. Aries, why is everything a competition? Is it because you’re the first in the zodiac, or is it because you need to sustain your basic self that hasn’t developed since primary school. You start something and don’t finish it because your mind and body are irreconcilable you can’t balance your chakras. Keep telling yourself that you’re right to fill that arrogance and infancy.

TAURUS: I can call Aries basic (which it still is) but Taurean’s operate like the first version of Microsoft Windows. You are the most basic people I know. You have no ambitions, which is ironic because you’re supposed to be the Bull. They say Taurus is possessive but the only thing they’re possessive about is their beds because they never want to GET THE FUCK UP and go out with their friends! It’s all about making plans and not actually doing them. And how you even make a fucking plan to begin with, is by being that one person that sends ‘talk’ snaps to everyone in your snapchat contact list.

(I don’t know what this film is about but that’s just how basic you are)

GEMINI: Everyone on Tumblr validly hates on you but it’s okay because this post isn’t centred on your sign only (which may come as a disappointment for you because you’re the Devil). You’re that one good link to an TV episode that works but 1000 pop up ads come up so you don’t bother watching it anyway. You are the superficial shit stirrer and the two best strategies to handle confrontation is to either fake a faint on the spot or pull a Taylor Swift ‘victim blame’. You will literally make something up like ‘I almost got run over today’ just to spark conversation because you lack consistency on anything. Luckily, if you have remotely any friends then they will have to accept both sides of you like Tesco’s:

CANCER: You’re too sassy for your own good, that’s your defence mechanism every time you get butt hurt. Super pessimistic, especially if your friends bail on you you’ll act like they don’t even exist. Bitch! Who do you think you are! The pedestal that you’ve put yourself on can’t support your own ego. Instead of picking what to wear in the morning, you choose what ‘50 Shades of temperamental’ you want for today’s look. Clingyness leads to some more butt hurtin’, my friend. Also why do you have your own profile picture as your lock screen. That’s cringe.

LEO: You’re that kid that’s like “Have you revised? Did you do the homework? I didn’t” and the next day you come in with A*+. You’re a less basic version of Aries, but more self involved. Can’t stop singing in class (and it’s always the mainstream white pop songs and a bit of Usher) and thinks they’re Beyoncé. You always feel the need to be ahead, and you check on others in a sly way to make it look like you give a fuck when really you’re pretty much pissing yourself with pride. Chill out mate, how can you be head strong, but when it comes to criticism you’re sensitive af? I mean, you have no problem being a dickhead but…

VIRGO: The fussiest motherfuckers. If the worlds not perfect for them, they have to be perfect for themselves. But the catch is, you Virgo’s will never be happy with yourselves, and it’s not even this post telling you, you already know. You’re harsh, self-critical and controlling. You have to upkeep this pristine image but I see right through you. Stop wasting your time making sure everyone’s okay because it’s not healthy for your empathetic self. Top tip: instead of snooping on someones social media, how about you actually message them instead of constantly thinking what could possibly happen.

LIBRA: If you’re not super basic (like Aries lol) but not deep at all then you’re a Libra. Always in the middle. Always on the fence. Always fucking 50/50. Do you have strong opinions on anything? If you were in a movie cast you’d just be in the extras. Also stop being too nice that it’s just downright stupidity. Your white lies are the worst. Just tell the bloody truth! Your backbone is non-existent, meaning you are a pushover. If your friend asks for your opinion on something, you’ll agree with them. If they then change their mind, you’ll still agree with whatever they’re saying because you have little to no intelligence for counterarguments. You lack substance because you have no personality. Like bread. Buy a personality for 99p whilst in stock.

SCORPIO: Why do you walk into a room… with the heaviest sack of feelings ever? Why do you constantly need to have a thing for someone in order to function? Why are you threatened by the success of others around you? Instead of wasting your energy in jealousy, make something of yourself from other people’s accomplishments. Not everything has to be a fucking heist, okay? Quit with the death glares and fucking people over. Stalks and lurks instead of admitting they like someone is how they deal with their emotions like a creep. You lot stay mad about something that happened 5 years ago and you forget what makes you happy. That’s sad.

SAGITTARIUS: Everything has to be a fucking innuendo. You’re inspired by Miley Cyrus’ post-2013 White Feminism. When you learn something new, you think you’re Einstein. Saggy’s are always in denial of their own emotions and self. Always complaining about something, even the most minuscule things, but if a friend complains about their broken arm to you, you go “It’s not that bad”. Sends the most blunt texts but make up for it with the over-use of emoji’s which is really annoying. You never seems to be able to sit still because you have so much gossip to say, even if you’re going behind your best mate’s back. Just says whatever they want without the consideration of others because they’re pricks.

CAPRICORN: Naturally dick-like behaviour. Will interrupt people when they’re saying something important just to point out that there’s a stain on their shirt. Gets angry way too easily and Capricorn’s seem to always be stuck on the same vibe. You take a painful 25 seconds to answer a yes or no question. There’s no point in texting you because it’s hard to tell if you’re being honest or asshole sarcastic. Critically harsh. Aloof. Can’t take a joke and like to twist it so it’s relevant to them. Blunt bitches with little depth.

AQUARIUS: The Messiah complex. You feel the need to voice your opinion even when it’s not asked for. Aquarius doesn’t allow people to talk, even if they says they’re a good listener. You believe that what you’ve got to say is far more important than others. Absolutely cannot admit when they’re wrong because there’s too much pride in being correct. You try way too hard to get away from the conventional and try to be ‘original’ by thinking it’s cool to be a cold hearted bitch. You’re going to die alone. Always striving to be different but no one actually cares.

PISCES: Throw a Pity Party for this shitty water sign because that’s what they like! You feed off people feeling sorry for you. You were born and bred into the dark side and love to be moody. Pisces are so sentimental of their past they never strive forward for anything. They are liars to protect themselves, and blame the world for all their problems. Spaced out as fuck, which is why their Neptune thoughts bring out their unrealistic standards. Chaos to yourselves, escapists to your ‘friends’... which is why you don’t have many.