Hi. I had two great dates with a guy but only found out today his last name. So I Facebook him and it turns out he's married to an old school friend of mine. I messaged her right away and she said she understands and thanked me for telling her. Why do I still feel like absolute shit? ((Mama K))
Hi, Mama K! I understand why this situation would feel so awful. Though you didn’t do anything wrong, it still never feels great to find out something like that, and also to have to break the news to another person when you fear it’ll negatively impact their relationship.
The thing is, even if this drives a wedge between your old school friend and her partner, or even ends the marriage -- the fact is that this guy was cheating on her regardless of whether she found out about it or not (unless they have an open marriage or something, but from what I’m gathering here, that’s not the case at all). Cheating and dishonesty speaks to massive underlying problems in the relationship to begin with -- and if he hadn’t cheated on her with you, he would have done it with someone else. And that’s entirely on him. You didn’t know about this, and as soon as you found out, you were forthcoming and honest with your school friend. Though the dates were great, and it put your connection with this guy on the line, you still chose to do the right thing. That’s admirable and speaks to your integrity!
The only other way to have gone about this (that I can see, at least) would’ve been by confronting the man himself prior to talking to the friend. But that’s risky too, as it would have given him time to do things like lie about you to his partner, blackmail you in some manner, and/or find a way to continue the dishonesty in his marriage while not actually changing his behaviour. This totally depends on what kind of person he is deep down inside, and whether or not he regrets cheating and wants to change as a person -- so it’s not something you could plan for ahead of time based on the knowledge you do have of him (and how much of that knowledge is even true VS what he told you).
So, as far as I’m concerned, you made the right -- and p much the only -- honest, fair choice you could. I’d give the two of them complete space unless you’re approached first (and are in a position to respond in a way that won’t compromise your safety or reputation), or your school friend asks for your support and/or details, and you feel comfortable giving that. Now that your friend has this information, it’s up to her to decide how she wants to proceed, and which direction she wants her marriage to go in. At least now she has another person’s testimony of what’s been going on, so she can have a more informed conversation about this with her partner if she chooses to.
On your end of things, like. I can imagine what this feels like, to a certain extent -- I’ve had people cheat on their boyfriend or girlfriend with me (without telling me that they were in a committed relationship), only to find out about it after the fact. From my perspective, I was used by those people to fulfill their preexisting desire to cheat. If two people decide to engage in an affair, and they’re both fully aware that one or both of them is in another exclusive relationship, then at least they can take responsibility for their own decisions. When you’re dragged between two people without any knowledge that you’re being coerced into engaging in an affair/cheating, that’s something that completely steals your agency and compromises how you may feel about yourself in the future, all without your fully informed consent.
Again, I’m completely on board with the decision you made, and I just hope that you feel better soon, once you’ve had the chance to heal and move forward from this experience! Be kind to yourself, and definitely seek the support of friends and/or family members and other people who you trust, wherever you can! It’s okay to share your experience with the understanding, honest, and supportive people in your life -- and to expect honesty and support from anyone new you meet and form a connection with! There are decent people out there, and though it’s painful and unfair for you to have gone through this with someone you liked and enjoyed the company of -- there will be people who are just as fun, attractive, and enjoyable to be around, but who will also be transparent with you simultaneously.
Remember to listen to whatever it is that your instincts, thoughts, and emotions indicate that you need right now! It’s okay to take a break and focus on non-romantic relationships in your life, it’s okay to go on other dates if you’re ready, it’s okay to take time wholly to yourself -- anything you need is okay, and you do deserve to feel better! This incident was his doing, not yours, and you don’t ever have to take responsibility for the nasty decisions that some grown man made on his own without your knowledge or consent!
Best of wishes in moving forward, Mama K~!!!
