I'm super worried that I'm gonna go to therapy and learn that my trauma isn't bad enough for a cdd or that I really dont have any trauma besides what I remember. That somehow I experience being a system without it being possible that I could be one.
My whole world as I know it would crumble and its even worse cause it seems so possible with how little trauma I remember.
Is there anything that makes it so trauma is more impactful? Or maybe I really was just sensitive?
I've fought so hard for people to believe me, what if I was wrong and I genuinely lose everything?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, anon. I want you to know, though, that trauma is not an event or set of events. Trauma is your reaction to those events. Something that is effectively harmless to one person can be traumatic to another. If you were distressed to the point of making use of dissociation as a coping mechanism in your early childhood, that’s all it takes. All it takes it for something to stress you, an impressionable and helpless child, out enough for you to need to dissociate repeatedly to cope with it. There’s no trauma that’s “enough” or “not enough” to cause a CDD.
Allow me to remind you, as well, that it’s completely normal for you to not remember most of your trauma at this point. And that which you do remember, you may not realize the extent of. It’s very common (it is a symptom of the disorder, actually) to minimize what you went through to yourself/to not realize how harmful it was to you.
What makes trauma more impactful? How sensitive you are to it. This could be caused by a million things, pathological and not.
I see a lot of systems worrying about whether their trauma was “enough” or not, and I challenge them with this: Not only was it “enough”— there’s no such thing as “bad enough”. A divorce, bullying in young childhood and not being supported well enough, physical neglect, poverty, natural disasters, emotional neglect, parentification, isolation— the list goes on.
