I have been crashing out for the last 2 months nearly over this and now ye have to deal with it too (sa and suicide talk ahead)
Since 21/12/24, I've had a *kind of* but not really *thing* with one of my closest friends (a situationship or whatever the fuck people say) That night, she kissed me, and that's where it started.
Was kind of a "will they won't they" thing for months. Then, about 2 months ago (24/8/25), a few friends and I were over at her house for some drinks. Me and 2 others end up staying over. We end up sneaking upstairs and some stuff happens, just hand stuff and oral.
I tell her that, for a few reasons (we're both too drunk, no protection, dysphoria etc) that I don't want to go all the way. She says she understands.
About 10 minutes later, she's on top of me, and she just.. does it. Before I even realise. Between being drunk and tired, I don't stop her. One of my biggest regrets.
As I said, she was my best friend, so there's a mental block around this, around making the connection that she assaulted me. It took my weeks to even realise. And so, before I even process what happened, what does she do? She tells the friend group that *I* assaulted *her*. And they all believe her without question.
The night they all blocked me, that was the first time in about 5 years that I had considered suicide. I was *this* close to going through with it. Luckily, I didn't.
Honestly, I still haven't fully processed it. Every time I think that I've come to terms with what happened, I quickly realise that I haven't. And I don't know how long it'll be until I do.