⟡ ݁₊ . SOFTER (Billie Eilish)
Tags: close friends to lovers(eventually), slow burn,mini series,wlw,internalized homophobia(from reader),self denial, seeking heteronormative safety.
genre: angst, messy feelings
Synopsis: Y/N tries to ignore her feelings for Billie, seeking safety in someone else, but nothing fills the space only Billie can.
A/N: this is purely based on the song “Pushing It Down And Praying” by Lizzy McAlpine, there will be a total of 5 chapters
You can't remember when Billie stopped being just a person in your life and became the center of it. It happened slowly, but who were you kidding ? You both knew you'd be inseparable.
She wasn't just a friend ; she wasn't just a best friend ; she was your closest friend. She showed up unannounced with takeout and excuses . You purposely started leaving your stuff at her place just for an excuse to see her - her beautiful, contagious smile, her stupid jokes. You live for it. And soon her apartment became more of a home than just a hang-out spot, and Billie, of course, didn’t not mind one bit. In fact, she loved it so much that you had your own little space in her closet.
Most nights look the same. Billie sprawled out on the floor or the couch, guitar resting against her knee, sometimes picking at half-formed melodies while you scroll on your phone mindlessly, not actually paying attention to whatever you're watching . Your eyes always seem to find comfort in Billie 's . Other times she'll hum a tone that sounds promising, so you stare at her . She teases you and tells you to stop, but you never do.
When it gets late, neither of you mentions sleeping over ; it just becomes a part of your nightly routine to sleep with Billie. Sometimes one of you will mention how tired you are, and somehow that always ends up with you sharing her bed. Fully clothed. Innocent. Normal. Your faces are in opposite directions at first, always leaving a polite inch between you.
But in the morning , you both end up tangled in the sheets anyway.
Billie's arm drapes tightly around your waist, almost like it belongs there, your leg hooked over hers, your face pressed between her chest and neck area, breathing in her scent. The first time that happened, neither of you spoke about it; Billie didn't tease you , and you didn't tease Billie . She didn't stop it, but she didn't decline it either. Although why would she ? She loves feeling your soft breath against her chest or in between her neck and shoulder area.
It feels safe and familiar, almost easy.
And that's what scares you.
The realization doesn't come all at once. It comes in pieces, the same pieces you ask for and then ignore until they become such a nuisance that your only option is to accept them.
It's the way your stomach flips when Billie laughs with someone else ; that immediate nausea at the thought of someone else sleeping in your (technically) shared bed. The way you notice the exact curve of her perfect smile, the pure admiration and softness in her eyes when she looks at you. Like you're her whole world and more. The way her touch feels so different from everyone else : grounding, innocent, protective even. Like she knows your body better than you do.
One afternoon, you're sitting on the couch beside her, knees brushing when she reaches over without looking and intertwines her fingers with yours . You can't help the small smile that tugs at your lips, and to be honest, you don't want to.
It's casual, thoughtless even, or at least that's what you both tell yourselves.
So thoughtless your breath stutters.
She doesn't notice. She squeezes your hand once, distracted by whatever she's talking about . You sit there, frozen, heart racing, every nerve in your being screaming that something is, in fact, wrong.
But not exactly because it feels wrong .
But because it feels... right.
Later that night, alone in the bathroom , you stare at your reflection like it might give you some type of conclusion or maybe even an answer . You press your palms against the cold sink ; the coldness serves as almost a comfort, a reminder that it wasn't just a quick feeling... no, it was a feeling that lasts. You finally got the truth out, or at least you're finally admitting it to yourself: "I like her."
The words almost feel heavy, permanent, everlasting. Not in the playful way you'd usually say it to her. It makes you realize that this isn't just a crush or a quick phase ; this is now something settled and deep, and most of all, terrifying.
As soon as the words leave your mind , into your mouth, and out , the thoughts override your feelings - every story you've heard, every warning, every quiet rule about what kind of love is allowed and the kind that ruins things . You think of Billie , her career, her image, her life, and how selfish it would be to want to start something so goddamn complicated . You curse yourself for even thinking of her in that way.
You tell yourself you're confused, lonely, reading into things that just don't mean anything.
That night you decide you have to fix it .
So you do the most logical thing you can think of.
He's nice in the way people mean when they're trying to convince themselves. He texts you back quickly. He laughs at your jokes. He introduces you to his friends without hesitation. Being with him feels... fine. There's no anxiety, no fear of being seen wrong. You know how to exist in this version of yourself.
You bring him up around Billie like it's no big deal. You mention dates in passing, laugh about things he says, act like this is normal, expected, inevitable. Billie listens with a small smile, nodding when she's supposed to.
She doesn't ask questions.
You notice the changes even when you pretend you don't. She stops grabbing your hand absentmindedly , stops leaning her head on your shoulder when you sit together. One night, when you fall asleep on the couch, she tucks a blanket around you instead of waking you up to go to her room.
The space she leaves feels intentional.
It hurts more than the truth ever did.
At night, you lie next to your boyfriend and stare at the ceiling, wondering why your chest feels hollow. His arm around you feels unfamiliar, like it's borrowed. You think about the way Billie's presence fills a room without trying. How she knows when you need silence and when you need distraction.
You hate yourself for comparing them.
You tell yourself this is what you wanted. This is what you chose.
Still, when Billie texts you late at night, “you up?”, your heart jumps every time.
You keep going anyway. You keep choosing the version of your life that doesn't require bravery. You laugh louder than necessary when you talk about your relationship. You avoid being alone with Billie too long.
And when you do catch her watching you, expression unreadable, you look away first.
You tell yourself you're doing the right thing.
You tell yourself this will pass.
You push the feeling down as far as it will go, bury it under routines, expectations , and someone else's arms.
And every night, when the apartment is quiet and your thoughts are loud, you pray.
A/N: theres no dialogue in this chapter bc it’s more about feelings than actual interactions!!,so sorry guys!!,next chapter i’ll be sure to include sum convos
