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Miss Self-Destruct
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“I am the voice inside your head (And I control you)
Io sono la voce nella tua testa (e ti controllo)
I am the lover in your bed (And I control you)
Io sono l'amante nel tuo letto (e ti controllo)
I am the sex that you provide (And I control you)
Io sono il sesso che ti procuri (e ti controllo)
I am the hate you try to hide (And I control you)
Io sono l'odio che provi a nascondere (e ti controllo)”
THANKS TO:
why is my hyper focus men and the ways i can socialize with the certain couple of men that i know i dont need in my life rn, but keep managing to put on my path of self destruction.
how do i turn that part of my brain off? the part that is focused on the attention of men vs figuring out what i want and how to better the relationship ive chosen to be in?
i think since im able to see/admit it is a start, right? sure. maybe i could see it and kind of admit it in the past but it feels different now somehow. but maybe the only difference is in the past, i saw how the path could be bad if i didnt stop. and now, here in the present, im at that part of the path where it starts getting really bad and my brain has shut up enough to start self reflecting again and go "hm, this is exactly where i didnt want to be"
i know i need to stop saying im gross and pathetic but oofda. preaching affirmations of positivity almost seems like it could be self destructive of me. start making me feel good somehow, stripping away from the bad that the cheating makes me feel.
but it makes me feel really gross lately. and im really getting to the point where i cant be what i am anymore. idk what i have to do to finalize that strength but im not going to stop until im there. obviously. because i cant keep living this life. i need to choose the paths i choose without being a liar and a cheater. and my husband deserves so much better than me.. he deserves honesty at the very least. but i will never be able to be that honest..
i just hope i either am able to look at him and find love and happiness and peace. or im able to give us the gift of finding the right person. but this thought process is where i start to do the spiraling self sabotaging bullshit. a) what if im this way for anyone i end up comfy with b) what if he is my right person, i just keep sabotaging it and being evil because i allow the evil to partake in my life c) if i stay with him, arent i just *teaching* myself how to love him and tolerate his touch vs letting him find someone that love and sex come effortlessly from d) why is it being with a man thats my problem always needing a solution, not wanting a divorce so i can be single and learn and love myself.
i feel like the self discovery and stupid little thoughts that stop quietly spiraling in my brain and finally come to light enough to be the one thats like "listen. and react to me" is happening now in a way that actually helps me learn and understand and listen. but its slow. and its more ridiculous that my actions to those thoughts come slower. ie: not wanting to cheat anymore, very passionately feeling like i dont want to anymore, and knowing im the only one that can stop it from happening, but not being proactive about stopping it yet. probably because im also afraid of what that might result in. will hanging out with samiam really just end up awkward af. which probably. he doesnt really see me as much more than someone he wants to get his dick wet by, and someone who will fold his laundry. ha. basically hes one of the persons i cant say no to and he doesnt realize it because hes the one getting the special treatment and thinking its just that, special treatment. not some weird inability to say what i want/mean/need to say.
and you have no idea how badly id like to not be in WFBs grip anymore . no more asking how high when he tells me to jump. feeding him when hes hungry. driving him places when he requests rides. "drive me up the street" "im hungry, feed me" "go get me a drink" sure. he graces me with thank yous when i show up with what he wants. but regardless. you read what you just read. you see where all the red flags are. and the drive me places typically end with me sucking his dick because i a) want to and b)cant say fkn no even tho i also dont want to suck it as much as i want to suck it. like im just afraid of the awkwardness that could happen if i dont suck his dick. but also. whats there to be awkward about.. i guess if he treats me like shit again, thats fine. true colors and all that. if he finally gets over it and talks to me like a person, success. we did it.
you dont know how exhausted i am.. honestly.. i could cry. because he has a hold over my brain so strong. hes all i fucking think about. literally. i spent a few days not thinking about him or samiam much at all on vacation. very minimal thoughts arose. but then ones about samiam started to surface. and then ones about WFB surfaced. and then they absoluately took over me. he was all i thought about. sex with him. what it would be like if it was him in hawaii with me. how differently/probably poorly hed treat me and make me feel (so why think about him instead of absolutely relish in the time im spending with the one person who will explore me and treat me like a queen?? fkn help me understand. pls.) me wondering if hed text me at some point during his day going "where you been hiding?" and as if taking over my vacation isnt enough, its immediately when i wake up that i have to push him away and remind myself i woke up next to my husband and i need to appreciate and love that more. but then its me pulling into work wondering if hes going to be there when i walk in the door. me not wanting to park where i started parking a year ago because i no longer want to be the face on the floor and it feels awkward and gross at this point almost to walk through and provide extravagant good mornings and have good nights. but if i park on the side of the building i run the risk of coworkers thinking some creepy thoughts about me being creepy for parking on the side of the building now bc samiam parks over there and hes not on the floor in the AM anymore, so i dont feel a need to say good mornings. just a way of making some joke that makes me look weird and creepy towards him, when its simply me trying to lessen my presence, esp on the days WFB is there. i leave work and walk the whole way to my car going "i wonder if hes watching me leave. if i dont look back but hes looking at me, whats his reaction going to be, what is he going to feel/think? do these things matter to him or is it all a part of this gross game of narcissism. does he laugh when he sends the texts he sends, going "this is what she likes, how ill win her over and make her feel enough to get her to keep doing more for me" and using them to laugh over with his friend, when i look back and see hes not looking at me, and then i look back 3 more times just to make sure. each time knowing is more pathetic and desperate than the last. and how its probably just as obvious when im side eyeing, trying NOT to look at him and also trying not to get caught looking, if not more obvious and creepy. and then to come home and wonder. wonder what videos he still has of me. and why i let him take the new one this week.. why when he asked "can i take a video?" i couldnt just fuckign say no. no taking a video. you dont need a fkn video. this doesnt need a video. and hope that he doesnt text me. so i constantly have to check my phone and make sure there are no texts that popped out of archives that has to get put back before something happens. but also bummed that he doesnt text me. because ha. im probably not on his mind. obviously. and if/when i am on his mind. its because he wants one thing. and he wants it because hes got raging morning wood on a sunday.
but.. i also think of how different it would and could be if i was single. no holding back. no secrets. no whispers. no guilt holding me back from the things i want to say and do.
but again. why is it all revolvong men/sex.. and even worse, the sex im hyper focused on is sex with a man i literally dont fucking trust and am moderately scared of and dont think i agree with his views. and its just as bad to fuck around with someone whose views dont align with yours just to be like "hes attractive enough to overlook the opinions in which i cant tolerate but tolerate for his cock" i could find plenty of people with a nice cock. that makes me feel good and confident. and doesnt take advantage of me in the very ways he takes advantage of me, when im literally telling him no.. dont do that. mid sex. hard to even think that happend.. because it was a while ago. and im still talking to him after that.. and still driving him to pick up his lunch, and suck his dick for him because he tells me to. AHHHHHHH pls make it stop.. im just a joke to him. i cant imagine im fucking not. and ive told him enough that i dont want to do this anymore. and fall back and end up continuing to do it. simply because he asks. even though ive told him no. he asks. knowing ill say okay, yes. and then maybe text later telling him no more. just to very next day be like yeah, okay, leggo. because im that patheticly easy. and i dont want to be. i dont want to feel gross. and i dont want to feel like i could give anyone reason to laugh at me or say anything that basically relates to me being a weak enough bitch to bend over backwards to do whatever is asked of me.
I've come to terms that I'm going to be hopelessly in love with this boy for a while the rest of my life so I might as well make the best of it; this :) is :) the :) part :) where :) I :) self :) destruct :)
