#self relection

[prvtbugsbuggins]

26 - Old Yeller

For @whumptober2021

Chapter link -> Here

Trigger warning for: Intense arguments, betrayal, and self reflection.

Prompt: Mercy

Summary: Epsilon learns some hard truths about himself, and wonders if he has finally gone too far.

—

Epsilon was tired. They had been on the run for days now, running from some invisible mercenary that would be more than happy to put a bullet through everyone’s head. Once they discovered what was happening on Chorus, they were quickly being hunted. They had discovered how they kept running into the mercenary Locus, resulting in many close calls that were far too close for comfort.

To be safe, they essentially had to kill Caboose’s pet, the remaining part of what was once a Mantis-class military assault droid. Of course, Caboose would befriend something like that. But for everyone's safety, it had to go, but convincing Caboose to do so was the hard part.

“Caboose, I’m sorry but we have to destroy it.” He tried to keep his tone gentle. He truly didn't want to have to destroy it, but he was more concerned on keeping his friend alive more than anything else. Epsilon crossed his arms from where he projected on Carolina’s shoulder, trying to look firm and in charge. Alpha was once leader of Blue team, and Caboose often got the two of them confused, so he was hoping to exploit that. Said Blue was cornered, hunching protectively over an AI chip that he refused to hand over.

“No!” Caboose shouted, using his body in an attempt to block everyone from getting closer. Freckles, or the ‘brain’ of Freckles, was impossible to get to. If Caboose didn’t want to give anything up willingly, it took either intense bargaining or outright tranquilizing him to get him to give it up, the latter was out of the question.

“We have to, Locus has a tracker program on it.” Epsilon tried to reason with him, “It’s how he keeps finding and trying to kill us. I want to keep us all safe, don't you know that?”

“I’m so sorry Boose, but he’s right.” Wash jumped in to try and back him up, something the AI was grateful for. “We can uh...get you another robot once everyone is safe. Preferable one that doesn’t have missiles on it.”

The Spartan only shook his head, moving his hands to hold the chip close to his chest. “I’m not abandoning Freckles! It’s not Freckles fault he’s sick!” He shifted his stance once he saw Carolina and Tucker move a little, both soldiers keeping well out of the way. “Why can’t you fix him? You're smart!”

“Because Locus is probably already on the way here, we don’t have time!” Epsilon shouted, raising his voice in frustration. He was steadily losing his temper, they had been at this for a good ten minutes now and it seemed like Caboose was not going to budge. “Stop being a fuckin’ baby and hand it over!”

“Epsilon…” Carolina warned, shooting the AI a look that he promptly ignored, he was too angry. Angry because these idiots weren't listening to him.

“No!” Caboose shouted back. “I won’t because Freckles didn’t abandon me! He was there for me, unlike you.” The last word was said with so much force that the AI actually took a step back, even though he was just a hologram. It was extremely rare for the Spartan to get angry, and when he did something was likely to get broken. Epsilon switched tactics, moving to try and calm him down.

“I didn’t abandon you! We had to-”

“YES YOU DID!” Caboose was full on screaming now, hiccupping as he started to loose control over his emotions. “You died! You came back! And you left! And then you came back! And then you left again without even saying goodbye!”

“You know I had a good reason for that.” Epsilon snapped, thoughts of de-escalation thrown out the window as he got defensive. “We had to go after-”

“I DON’T CARE! I JUST WANTED MY FRIEND!” Sheer pain roared out of Caboose's throat, chasing the end of a sob. The Spartan turned around, shoulders shaking as he clutched the chip as though with was a tether to reality. “Freckles was there and you weren’t! I needed you! But you keep leaving and hurting me! All the time! I WISH YOU WOULD STOP COMING BACK AND LET ME STOP HURTING!”

Caboose threw a fist back behind him and hit the stone they were sheltering behind with so much force, it cracked in half. Stones shifted and what was once a boulder about the size of a tank was reduced to mere pebbles in seconds. If anyone was standing there at the time, they would have been utterly obliterated, and they all knew it. Unconsciously, everyone stepped back away from the Spartan, something that did not escape his notice.

“I…” The pain in his voice was evident as he watched the people he cared about be actually frightened of him. He had scared them. Blue armor shook as he pulled his fist back, now covered in powdered stone, the one that could of easily killed someone. “I’m…it was...I wouldn’t...”

“Boose…” Wash stepped forward and slowly lifted a hand towards him. Caboose couldn’t help but feel like Wash was treating him like he was about to bite someone, and it hurt. “It’s okay, we-”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence, the sudden movement spooking Caboose into running. He was there one second, and then he was gone, a simple cloud of dust dissipating where once stood. For a moment, everyone stood around and stared at the now empty spot, pebbles still continuing to shift and move about.

“Nice going, asshole.” Tucker hissed after a moment. “Real bang up job you did.”

“Shut the fuck up, Tucker, I didn’t see you helping!” Epsilon turned to stare at Tucker, flickering red in his anger. “I did the best I could, but you saw how he was acting!”

“He was acting like a traumatized person, in pain, who attached themselves to a comfort object because the usual source of their comfort up and left! The same thing that you, the one who caused it, wanted to destroy! What the fuck did you think was going to happen!?” Tucker threw his hands up in the air, frustrated and angry himself. “Christ, Church, do you ever think about anyone but yourself!”

“I AM THINKING OF EVERYONE!” The AI shouted back, “I’m trying to keep us safe!”

“Doing a real good job of doing that too, seeing that one of our teammates up and fucking left.” Tucker gestured hard at the empty spot.

“Guys-” Washington tried to interrupt, putting a hand on Tucker’s shoulder, but Tucker shook him off with a growl.

“No! It’s about time that fucking prick gets a reality check!” He whirled around again and pointed at the AI. “Listen, you think Caboose can always bounce back from anything, but he can’t. There’s only so many times a person will take getting spit on before they up and leave! And he’s taken so much shit from you! Which is rich, cause he's the only reason why you are alive right now!”

Epsilon drew himself up, ready to yell back, but was stopped by Carolina.

“Epsilon...Church.” She said, softly, trying to remain calm. He could pick up the subtle edges of guilt in her voice. “You need to listen….we both need to listen.”

“You can’t possibly-”

“Yes, I can.” She stressed, fixing the AI a hard gaze. “Our push to find the director hurt a lot of people,” She glanced over to Washington, and nodded. “and we didn’t help by leaving everyone behind again. We both need to make a change.”

Epsilon couldn’t say anything to that.

“Listen Church,” Tucker continued, rage simmering down a bit. He was still shaking slightly, but his voice was even and controlled. “I have never met anyone so completely loyal and loving like that big goofy idiot. I have no clue why he loves you so much, but you better start acting like you deserve it, or you are going to push him away one too many times and be alone. And you’ll have nobody to blame for it but yourself.” With that, he turned and began to walk away.

Time stopped, at least, it seemed like it stopped. To an AI, it was just normal processing speed as he rolled around the words Tucker said to him. What Caboose said to him.

He remembered when he had first proposed going after the director to the gang. He had lost his cool. He had gotten angry, and promptly turned it on everyone. In his mind, he had blamed them all for his suffering, his frustrations. But then he saw the hurt on everyone’s faces, people who cared about him, and he had just repaid them all by slapping them in the face.

The worst of all was Caboose. He could see in his eyes how much it had hurt him. One of the worst pains he could remember feeling was when Caboose turned around and walked out that door. He had let himself become consumed by his vengeance and anger and ended up hurting everyone with his selfishness.

Caboose had be the one to pull him out of the Epsilon unit, to make him a body, to catch him up, to be glad that he existed. It seemed like no matter where he was, Caboose wasn't too far behind, ready to help or just be there. He never treated him like the broken fractured AI that he was, to Caboose, he was just his friend. Caboose loved him from the get go, even when the AI didn't understand why.

“I have no clue why he loves you so much, but you better start acting like you deserve it, or you are going to push him away one too many times and be alone.

And you’ll have nobody to blame for it but yourself.”

It was true. All of it.

And then he went left in the middle of the night with Carolina, without so much of a note, or saying goodbye. Caboose must have thought he had died again, learning to heal a little from his time away before his dumb ass came back - and ripped open the wounds all over again.

He didn’t know a hologram could feel sick, but he felt it now. Regret and shame wasn’t an easy mix to process. Cold reality crashed down around him, and for the first time since forever, he knew he truly fucked up.

Holy shit, he was such a dick.

“Wait! Where are you going!?” Epsilon shouted, For a moment he was afraid that he did go too far, and that his friend was walking away, never to return. Afraid that he was too late.

“To look for Boose.” Tucker growled, not even bothering to turn around to give the AI a glance. “Nice of you to show your concern.”

“...Take me with you.”

“What!?” Tucker visibly bristled, sounding almost offended by that statement. “You just want to come along and hammer in that knife even deeper. Holy shit Church, you are hella eager to kill that poor man, aren't you?”

“No, you’re right…” Epsilon sighed, drawing the last of his pride together. He didn't bother getting angry at Tucker, he deserved the remark. “I am a dick. I need to apologize.”

Tucker shook his head. “No. I don’t think he’d want to talk to you right now. Let him cool down and when we get back, maybe you can try.”

“...okay.” Epsilon could only sit quietly, watching Tucker walk off and into the bush. He didn’t know how Tucker would be able to find Caboose. Caboose was nearly impossible to find if he didn’t actually want to be found, but something tells him that he’d let Tucker do it. Tucker, and not him.

Washington let out a breath he was holding and looked to Carolina. “Hey, Lis-”

“I’m sorry, Wash.” She interrupted. “I’m sorry I left again.” She went over and hugged him. Wash returned the hug with a sigh, before he let go.

“Just don’t do it again, Boss.” He gave her a thumbs up. “And it’s all good.”

“I need to log off for a bit.” Epsilon announced, and before anyone else could get a word in, he vanished back into the implant. He knew he was running away from his problems for a little while, but he needed the quiet and the dark.

He had some self reflection to do.

—

Once Caboose came back with Tucker, Epsilon apologized. Then he and the team found a secure place where Epsilon could clean the chip, in which then it was installed into Caboose's gun.

The argument was a turning point on how Epsilon treated people around him, and he realized just how bad his temper could affect everyone and how often he thought about himself. The sobering reality that he might drive someone like Caboose away was what he needed to start working on himself.

Caboose was reassured that nobody was scared of him, they were more scared of him getting hurt than him hurting them. When Boose slips too hard into anger, he can end up getting himself hurt badly by simply not seeing dangers. Like he could literally walk right off a cliff because he's too mad to see the edge. He would most likely survive, but he would still get hurt. Like he could have easily broken his hand by punching stones and the like :( Plz don't punch solid objects, it doesn't do well for your hand bones.

[msbluebell]

Happy Birthday Dimitri

Dimitri is an important character to me.

I didn’t expect him to be. Not to me, personally. When I went into the game, I expected that he wouldn’t be my favorite. I figured he’d be the tragic fallen hero, but I didn’t think he’d hit so many buttons for me.

People like fallen heroes, and I do too, but they’re not usually my favorite characters. When I picked up this game on my way home from a trip, I looked at the cover and thought, “Claude is going to be my favorite.”

But somehow, someway, this boy hit home for me.

Maybe it’s because we get to see him before he fell apart.

Well, alright, this isn’t accurate. He was never all that put together when we meet him in game. He already had a darkness in him, and he already experienced tragedy that would lead to his downfall later. We met this boy, and I didn’t think too much of him. He was the most polite, and sweet, and those were my thoughts. My first playthrough was of Black Eagles house. Now, you all know I nearly didn’t pick the game up again I disliked Black Eagles so much. But Dimitri wasn’t why. When I killed Dimitri in the game all I thought was, “What a shame. I’m sorry guy. You seemed nice enough. I’d spare you if I could.” I’m not going to lie, I felt like his anger in CF was justified even before I cared about him. But I didn’t expect the sheer depts I would come to care for him when I was playing that first route. I obviously played church route next, since for the most part I had half got through the playthrough. And in that one I wanted to help him, but couldn’t and I thought again, “Ah, what a shame. Can’t save you here either.” Except this time we got a little more. The ghost scene got to me. It showed me his guilt, and that’s when I started paying more attention to Dimitri. I had intended to save Golden Deer route for last, but after CF and SS, I thought I deserved self care, and went with Claude. Though this time I was a little regretful I’d leave Dimitri behind. Because I understood what tragedy befalls him when you don’t choose him. Because I know that this sweet boy becomes so angry, and so regretful, and I wished there was a way to save him. Claude was a great character, and I adored him, and I adored Golden Deer. It was the break I needed after CF and SS. I loved them, and I loved their themes, and I loved their energy. I was convinced that they would be my forever favorites. My only real regret was that Dimitri died again. By this time it seemed almost horrific what was going on with Dimitri, and he somehow seemed worse off in this route than the other two. He was crazy, downright insane, and somehow lost an eye. And it was a shame. Something had obviously happened to him to drive him even further over the wall, but I didn’t feel too bad, because while it was tragic what happened to him, there wasn’t anything I could do. So I decide to finish up the game, and I’m not over invested. I like it, but I don’t think it’s going to be my fandom. It’s fun, I enjoyed it. That’s it. I’ll just finish it off and move on. Then I played Blue Lions. Dimitri had no right to do this to me. He had no right to come in and hit all my personal buttons, and make me care so much. I went into Blue Lions already caring a bit about Dimitri, but I didn’t expect him to claw at my heart the way he did. There’s a tragedy to Dimitri that spoke to me more than Claude, or Edelgard, or Rhea. It was more personal, it was more rough, it attacked a raw nerve in me I thought was healed but I suppose never did quite go away. Some people have asked me why I don’t like Edelgard, considering she’s an abuse survivor and I, also, am an abuse survivor. I think, with people who ask me this, they’re looking more at what caused the need to cope rather than the coping itself. Edelgard and I have suffered more similar abuses than Dimitri and myself, though I wouldn’t say my abuse and hers are the same at all. Still, for me, I think it’s the way we deal with the aftermath of our trauma that speaks to me more than the trauma itself. I didn’t like Edelgard, because even before the twist that she was the invading force in the game, I found her abrasive, dismissive, and unintentionally cruel where she was trying to be empathetic.  I just don’t like people who are sharp, I suppose. I never have.  I think that’s ultimately why I warmed up to Dimitri so quickly. He was kind. He is kind. He is so kind, and empathetic, that I adored him right away. I warmed up to him even more quickly than Claude, who I went in wanting and expecting to  be my favorite. He’s kind, and trying to be kind. But it doesn’t always work. I’ve got something called Hyper Empathy Syndrome. It’s a think, and it’s not really federally recognized, but my therapist says it’s a good way to describe what my issues are. I empathize too much. And you wouldn’t think that was a bad thing, but it is. It causes me untold anxiety, and I hyper empathize with people to the point where it’s almost hard to get mad at them, and I keep not wanting to let them down, and I feel guilty if I say no to them and it upsets them even a little. And, overall, it’s a huge hindrance on my life. I think Dimitri may be the same. Or maybe I’m projecting on him because I see so much of myself in him. Looking at Dimitri, and the way he developed. It was like looking to a mirror at some points and getting a glimpse into the shitty person I used to be.  Now, I’m not going to pretend I went through even half the bad shit Dimitri did. His sufferings just kept piling on and on and on over the course of the game, to the point I wondered how this boy was even alive. I wasn’t at all surprised at how bad off he was in Azure Moon, but sad. Oh, he was shitty. He was terribly shitty. But I got it. Because I’ve been there. I was younger than Dimitri was when I was shitty, so I’ve got that “middle school preteen hormone changes” excuse, but I was shittty. I wasn’t as bad as he was; I’ve never murdered someone, or nearly tortured a man, or obsessed  over a death, but I was just as unpleasant to be around. I was shit, because I wasn’t dealing with myself well. I had bad coping, and I felt alone, and used, and I couldn’t stop being angry no matter how hard I tried. My head kept telling me it was my fault, and everyone around me didn’t know how to deal with me, and they kept trying to drag me out of my comfort zone. And I lashed out against everyone around me, even though I knew it wasn’t their fault, and that only made me feel more guilty and alone and like I needed to be alone. And it was all only made worse by the Hyper Empathy.  It was a cycle of self hate and misery that I put myself through, and I saw that in Dimitri. And it hit home a little harder than I could have ever predicted.  I was rooting for Dimitri because I already loved him. I love him. He means a lot to me, and as I would come to find out her personifies everything that I believe about humanity; that no matter how bad we get we can still come back. Dimitri is someone that suffered, fell from grace, brainwashed himself into suffering more, all while suffering from a mental illness, and was still able to come back with some help and a whole lot of work and self reflection.  Dimitri is someone that was surrounded by loved ones who wanted to help him but mostly didn’t know how to, people who supported him, but it wasn’t enough. He had to pull himself out, with support. and it wasn’t easy. Hell, it wasn’t easy to support him either. There was a point where he got so low I legitimately thought there would be no going back for him. I almost gave up. But I didn’t want to, and I didn’t, and it’s because despite it all I still loved who he was and wanted him to get better. And he did. And I guess that gave me hope. I guess it made me hopeful that if he could get better from all that, then maybe it wasn’t impossible for other bad people to get better. It made me happy. It made me appreciate him. It made me thankful. Dimitri gave me hope that people could be better than they were, and I’ll forever be thankful for that. It’s actually not all that often a character affects me this much. And maybe it seems dumb to others that a fictional character could affect my life so much, but then again, no one has a right to judge me for where I find hope. Dimitri isn’t just a character I liked, he’s a character that gave me hope. He’s a character that came back from that bad place. He’s a character that basically looked at me and said, “You can come back from this.” And I’m trying so hard to be better.  Dimitri and I have a lot of the same issue. The guilt, the self hate, the blame, other things. And he still has people that love him, people that don’t give up on him. And, yeah, them being there isn’t always helpful, heck, in some case it makes his issues worse. But they’re there for when he comes back, and they help him, and that gives me more hope too. But nothing gives me more hope than the fact that he came back. And when he came back, he worked to be better. And he forgave. And I feel like that makes him so much stronger than me. Because I don’t think I could have forgave to the same level that he had. I couldn’t look the woman I thought ruined my life in the eye and forgive her. I don’t think I could face a man who did ruin my life in the eye after he told me he’d do it again in the name of justice. I couldn’t forgive to Dimitri’s level. He’s come a long way, Dimitri, and I am so proud of him. Happy Birthday Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, thank you for showing me I can be better.

[eufaranume-blog]

why no one understands me?

why no one understands me?

people usually will answer “because you’re not explaining yourself”

i’m bothered.

why do we need to explain ourselves so that people understand?

why do people waiting for others to explain themselves?

why can’t people proactively try to understand?

when we proactively explain ourselves, people don’t care.

most of the time, “well, i don’t care”

pushing us further to not explaining ourselves.

“you need to understand, for being understood by others, you need to explain yourselves”

sometimes, people need to lower their pride and ego, give some of their times to try and figure out on understanding others.

can you?

[purplesunset1210]

Invisible to the Eyes "Sometimes you just want things that are not essential for the moment. Look w/in & realize that what you actually need is some time with yourself -- for you to understand that what's essential is invisible to the eyes." …

[guidess]

Shadow Side Of Life

I arise from darkness like the blooming flowers of nature.

Just as plants die at the end of one season, and bloom again in all their splendor at the beginning of the next, so do I move from darkness to light.

I accept that dark days are a part of life. I know that true triumph and happiness only come after experiencing some of life’s harshest trials.

These trials serve to strengthen me and mold…

View On WordPress

[angerinthenation]

[highhopeslowselfesteem-blog]

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of this Summer

This is going to be a kind of long, rambley post about my summer. A lot of subtle life changes have occurred this summer and I want to get them all down in a physical form. I doubt anyone is interested but if they are, read below. 

In high school, I became very close with a girl. I'll call her Joy. Joy has always been a troubled soul, and I happen to be a very good listener and friend. She would tell me about her problems and I would listen and help where I could. It worked. For a long time, Joy had other best friends and I always felt like a bit of a second rate friend. Then, during Junior and really Senior year of high school, Joy grew distant with her other friends and I became her "best friend." It felt really good for a while, and I thought it would stay that way. 

Last year, I had a really hard time adjusting to college. I became very depressed and for a long time not a day went by that I didn't wake up sad. I tried to talk to Joy about it. I thought that since I had helped her when she was sad, she could help me now. I was wrong. She tried to give me little boosts of encouragement but never really offered to talk or help. In fact, she talked a lot about what a great time she was having with her new friend. It hurt. After a while I gave up and we texted each other a lot, but never about anything that mattered. 

During winter break was when I really knew I had lost a best friend. We were at a small party at her house, and she started talking about all of the drugs and pills she took in high school. She, apparently, used to show up to school drunk or high, and she never told me. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but it really hurt. To hear her talk so casually about this in front of our friends when she never bothered to tell me really hurt me. It also came out that she had had sex and didn't tell me. It was then, in that hot tub, that I realized that this is not what a best friendship is supposed to be like. There is supposed to be some level of honesty and some level of mutual support. Our friendship had neither. 

During the next semester, we talked less and less. This summer was pretty similar to all of high school: she got invited to a lot of things and didn't include me, and I waited to be noticed. I was getting more and more tired of it. The thing is, though, I was still clinging to our friendship. Because, when she decided to hang out with me, I was happy. I was happy to be wanted and talked to and invited somewhere. You know the song "Nicotine" by Panic at the Disco? That's kind of how I felt about being her friend. 

Now, for my change of mind. I recently went on a trip with her and another friend and my little sister. It was supposed to be an amazing trip, and it absolutely was in most ways. However, that's really when I decided I was done with her. She was trying to act ~cool~ in front of our other friend and kept talking about drinking and weed and fake IDs in front of my sister, which is completely inappropriate. All she did was talk about how she wanted to appear cool and edgy and generally was too wrapped up in what she thought other people thought of her. I was just very  much over her shit by the end of the trip. It's like it all culminated in that last straw. 

But I wouldn't have been able to make this mental break from her if it weren't for all the friends I have made in college. It took a few months of separation to realize that I have two new best friends, one of whom is going to be my roommate this year. They're what best friends should be: they text me first, they get excited when they see me, they listen to my problems, and they love spending time with me. And I do all the same for them. It took having good best friends to realize what I was missing. And I am so grateful to these two girls, far more than they'll ever know, because they taught me about friendship. Though we may eventually part ways, they will always hold a special place in my heart as the two people who showed me what friendship truly can be. 

On top of that, I have a growing and strengthening group of friends outside of my best friends. I sometimes feel left out around them, but I'm going to try my hardest to stay involved and I think I could really enjoy my time with them. One of them was texting me and saying that she wants to hang out with me more this year which really gives me hope for the future. 

I was really hurt this year by someone I thought cared about me. And I think she thinks she cares about me, but she is too emotionally closed off for me. I deserve better than that. And I am finally allowing myself to seek out better than that. And for the first time in a year, I have a glimmer of hope growing inside me that maybe, just maybe, I'm gonna be okay. 

[artscreamslife]

purgatory.

I think I'm ready to finally come out of Purgatory. I mean to say is that place you go when you mentally shut out the world but still comply with social norms and function in the world. 

I haven't drawn frequently since my mother died... It's been on and off...however through my battle to pick up the pencil again I've found how much I missed it but I didn't do anything about it. which lead me to a purgatory like state where I'd do things/function without doing art but keep it in my thoughts afraid... afraid to answer myself. 

I'm seriously rambling out of my mind right now, but that's okay. All I know for sure is I'm tired of waiting for something to pull me out of this silent space. I have things to do and accomplish.

I'm crawling out of the womb of my fear.