#self suppression

[yumizverse]

🫂

[cuddlepuddleopaladins]

Gosh

I am so glad that most of the time I can let myself genuinely like things. There's so much I used to suppress my enjoyment of out of fear of being boxed and hatred of labels. Now I've just realized that through my self-suppression, not only was I making myself deeply unhappy, but also a perpetuator of those very labels I was afraid of. Breaking the mold by not being afraid of it anymore is something I never saw coming as a depressed and anxious kid and definitely still struggle with as a depressed, highly anxious adult. But I'm glad I can remind myself of it now. Because damnit I CAN like the color pink and pop music and lipstick without changing that fact that I also love comics and science and men's clothing. Let yourself like what you like friends, and fuck everyone else.

[seeyatellite]

People-pleasing behaviors can manifest in myriad ways; vigilant assessment of a domineering parent’s behaviors, overstepping your own boundaries to have a beer or smoke a joint when your friends or family are “all doing it,” complete disregard for your own convictions and mental health to “fit in” when feeling unsafe in an environment. It can show up as sitting alone in a bar with a beer or glass of wine when surrounded by an associated group or community of people celebrating with alcohol. It can show up as accepting and wearing gifts related to things you don’t care about, just to avoid the conflict or teasing shame associated with speaking up.

It can manifest as accepting a person’s personal bloody mary mix with home-pickled asparagus or accepting the jello shots tossed at you from a boat when you’re riding a PWC in a large community event while simultaneously wanting the event and experience to be over and done with.

Some years ago, I lived in a house with some people who would qualify for the description of “clinical alcoholic,” cracking a beer ever 30 minutes like clockwork; Steve, Cindy and Terrance... Terrance not only drank. He also smoked weed on the front porch. I felt uncomfortable, unsafe, frightened of what I knew associated with those behaviors... and Steve had a Harley which he rode to and from bars and once came home to an argument with his wife, Cindy... because he apparently rode home drunk. He also accused me of stealing his pain pills only to apologize a month later, after someone found them.

I fawned for them in their presence and tried to fit in; drank their beer and smoked with Terrance then isolated in my room with a computer, porn and eventually an Xbox One after I sold my 1997 Town & Country.

Most of this is my personal experience and understanding of fawning and people-pleasing behaviors I’ve experienced and exhibited.

I invite you to examine yourself... How does fawing show up in your life?

[silver-palette]

Self Suppression

4/2/17

In the past twenty-three years, I’d trained to silence myself and suppress my emotions when I’m around people. Now I have to learn to undo those long years of work.

[astral-obscura]

what placements could make someone hold all their anger or emotions in?

- Moon in LIBRA, Aquarius, CAPRICORN, Virgo, sometimes Scorpio- Mars in Libra, sometimes Capricorn, Virgo, Scorpio (’til they explode)- Sun/Moon/Mars in aspect to Mercury/SATURN/sometimes Uranus/Pluto