My theriotypes are “spiritual.” I don’t necessarily believe the typical “my soul has been transferred to a human body.” I don’t really believe in souls. I think, maybe, life has a weight that leaves an impression on a part of the universe that we can’t see or measure- like an extradimensional aspect- and sometimes this impression carries on after the being’s death. So my “past lives” are not, were not me. They were the previous holders of the weight that is now mine. And this weight is partial to the shape of the life that held it previously.
Of course, I don’t know this. I think when dealing with the metaphysical, the most important to keep in mind is that you can never know for sure. It could be psychological. It could be souls as other people think of them. I think my explanation is pretty middle-of-the-road between “scientific explanation” and “magic is real.” But it could be any of those. I just think that, considering things like invisible dimensions and subatomic forces too small to be noticed, there’s more to the universe than our eyes let us see - while still trying to be logical about it. I know it’s too boring for some of the I’ve-spoken-to-Dionysus-personally people and too out there for some of the Richard-Dawkins-is-an-inspiration-of-mine people, but it’s just how I think. (Disclaimer: this was said in casual jest to theists and atheists alike with lighthearted intent and all due respect. I know some people are very quick to anger. I think you’re both great.)
Questions and answers under the cut.
What makes you believe this identity is spiritual in origin?
Certain experiences that cannot be explained by any of the psychological explanations I’ve seen so far. The “brain abnormality” one doesn’t make sense to me; what neurological processes would make me be an osprey specifically? Especially if it’s genetic, and was in place before I was born- I didn’t learn what an osprey was until I was ten. It would have to be a brain abnormality that developed in my teen years, and I’ve been having shifts my entire life.
The “imprinting” one doesn’t make sense either, though I do think it has more credibility. Especially because I was raised alongside cats and have very strong catlike tendencies. But I was definitely not raised alongside any of my theriotypes, nor was I exposed to a lot of media that involved them. Badger in particular definitely wasn’t an animal that was very prevalent in my childhood. There are none where I grew up, none in any media I liked as a kid, and they were not my favorite animal. In fact, it took me so long to realize that theriotype because it was among the last things I would have considered. I had no opinions on badgers before last year. You know, when I realized I was one.
How do you believe you came here as a human?
Complete chance. I don’t think there is any intention in the way life comes to be or comes to end.
Have you ever considered your identity might be psychological? Why/why not?
Sure. In fact, I started out as a psychological therian. (Kind of an asshole one, too. I hated spiritual therians for “making the community look bad.” I was a real piece of shit when I was 16, that’s not even the half of it.) But I never really thought about why it was psychological, I was just one of those teenage atheists who thought any kind of spirituality was brainwashed nonsense and thought I was so smart for it.
I kind had misgivings from the get, but I shoved them out of my mind and decided I just wouldn’t think too hard about it. Or actually work out what it was exactly I believed in.
So I’m gonna talk about my fictionkinity here, since that’s the psychological half of my identity.
Whole thing under the cut.
What makes you believe this identity is psychological in origin?
I just can’t grapple with any spiritual explanations of fictionkinity, especially the past life one. It doesn’t make sense to me. Yes, I believe in multiple universes; infinite, in fact, so sure, I imagine there are universes out there where these fictional characters are real. Yes, I believe that something from one life could be passed to a new one; the “weight theory” if you remember from last night’s post. But I can’t wrap my mind around the idea that weight can traverse universes and the spaces between them to come to rest with someone from a different universe. The differences are too vast. I think if this was possible we’d see a lot more otherkind with incomprehensible and nonsensically alien kintypes.
The psychological theory also explains why there are certain characters who are very “popular” fictotypes - and I’m saying this as someone who has multiple of these. I know there are lots of background character and noncanon fictionfolk out there, but you can’t deny that there are some characters we see more fictionkin of.
None of this is to say I disapprove of spiritual fictionkinity, of course. I have full respect for openly spiritual fictionfolk who are unapologetic about their identity. You are braver than I. And for what it’s worth, you’re definitely in the majority.
Have you ever considered your identity might be spiritual? Why/why not?
I mean sure, I’ve considered it. I’ve had some dreams that got me thinking about it. But every time I consider it I come to the same conclusion; that it’s psychological. It’s different from when I was a psychological therian; then, I refused to even open my mind to the possibility. I promise I do this now. On a regular basis. I'd love to believe in the spiritual explanation! It’s interesting, it’s cool and it’s a nice idea. But nothing is ever convincing enough.
With opossum shifts, I usually feel ears, teeth and whiskers, and sometimes a snout, a tail, and fur on my back. I’ve felt opossum hand shifts, but honestly? They’re hard to notice. With badger shifts, it’s always the muzzle, and the tail and claws usually go with it, and sometimes the ears and teeth. With bird shifts, always wings and raven or osprey beak, sometimes tail and feet. And osprey and raven shifts feel noticeably different, especially the beak and feet but even the tail and wings have stark differences. With raven specifically, hackles and chest feathers are the usual ph-feelings, and with osprey specifically it’s always the crest and sometimes the eyes. (It’s hard to explain how I have eye ph-shifts. It’s kind of like… I feel the brow, and I expect to see osprey eyes when I look in the mirror but of course don’t.)
More under cut.
What do they feel like? Cont.
Interestingly - and I’ve seen other people mention this, which greatly helped me from feeling inadequate, so hopefully this will help someone else - I rarely feel my full tail. Especially that long opossum tail. I can feel the base of it very well, but with the ends of longer extremities, I tend to lose the phantom feeling.
Fun fact: I learned to move my ears from having phantom ear shifts as a kid. I love telling people I can move my ears and when they ask to see I just move my phantom ears and they think it’s so cool.
Also this is the place to mention this: I do have fictotype phantom shifts. Specifically wings on my back, when they’re supposed to be on my arms (and much bigger) like they usually are. This is something I haven’t quite figured out. I just don’t get it. I’ve had it my whole life too, even before learning what Kid Icarus even was. So I guess it’s not really fictotype-related. I just chalk it up to that because it’s easy to say and it’s super convenient that one of my fictotypes happens to have wings exactly like the ones I feel.
How often do you experience these?
Like… extremely frequently. At least once a day. I’ve had newer therians ask how I do it and I never have an answer. It just happens. I’m lucky I guess. Or I could lie and say I’m just so good at being a therian.
Do you enjoy phantom shifting? Why/why not? What’s the best and worst parts about them?
Sure, I do usually. I could think of annoying times; tail when I’m sitting in a chair or with my back to the wall, ears when I’m wearing a hat, beak when I’m in public with a face mask on. Stuff like that. But when I have the space for phantom extremities, they’re alright.
Why do you think these shifts occur? Does anything trigger them?
Why? Why do any shifts occur? Same reason as that I guess, whatever the answer is. And I don’t think specific things trigger them, or at least I haven’t noticed a pattern.
Describe your first phantom shift.
Been having ‘em my whole life baby! I remember thinking I was a mouse as a child, because I could almost feel like I had a long “mouse” tail. I remember in middle school I could swear I had invisible animal ears that no one could see. I thought they were cat ears, because I was obsessed with cats at the time.
Do you experience voluntary or involuntary shifts? Both? What triggers them?
I can almost force phantom shifts, by clearing my mind and focusing very hard, but the strength, duration and movability of these pale in comparison to phantom shifts that just… happen. It’s like the wisp of a tail that I can’t move and lasts ten seconds. But I can tell you right now that when I was writing this, I had a phantom badger snout that was honestly kind of making my face feel weird, and it definitely wasn’t on purpose.
I’ve found that when phantom shifts happen, you shouldn’t focus all your attention on feeling and retaining them, because then they’ll fade. Just let it happen, ride the wave and it can be really cool.
I’ve definitely talked about this before, but if for some reason you weren’t there for that, yes, and I consider it a pretty important part of my alterhuman identity. In fact, all of my fictotypes you could say started as fictionflickers; my neurons made their weird connections and created a flicker for the character, it just didn’t go away for some reason. All four of my fictotypes I expected to go away with time and was surprised when they didn’t (less surprised for the most recently-discovered three, since it had happened before by then).
More under cut. Much more. An excessive amount.
What do you flicker to?
Fictional characters, with one exception that comes to mind. I do tend to have “trends,” certain types of characters that I’m more likely to flicker as, which I’ve documented pretty well privately. The biggest thing is that flickers tend to be characters who are not human or who otherwise have something supernatural going on. Aliens, spirits, monsters, characters with superpowers, etc.
It also happens a lot with characters who have distinctive voices or who notably don’t speak, and characters who at some point experience body-related problems (like, soul removed from their body, possession, transformed into something against their will, I mean just look at my fictotypes). These “trends” are so fascinating to me because they’ve given me opportunities to examine myself and try to work out why my brain picks certain characters over others. I love a puzzle.
How often do you fictionflicker?
When consuming new media, about a third of the time I will fictionflicker. There are certain forms of media I’d say I flicker from more (or less) often. Playing video games, it happens about half the time (again, just look at my fictotypes. And my current flicker is also from a game). It would be tempting to theorize that it’s easier for my brain to form the identity because I’m playing as the character, but I’ve gotten flickers from games I’ve never played. Just from watching other people play it, or reading its plot.
Reading webcomics, it doesn’t happen at all; I’ve never flickered from a webcomic. Podcast characters are also less frequent.
What makes you feel like this is a fictionflicker and not another identity?
It only lasts a few months at most. I have never had a fictionflicker last more than three months; three months was the longest one I’ve ever had, and that was an outlier. Usually they only last two or three weeks. Every time I thought I was fictionflickering but it lasted longer than three months, it didn’t go away at all. My most recently-discovered fictotype I discovered in late April of 2020; that’s nine months. In order of discovery, my other three fictotypes I’ve been getting shifts of for sixteen, seventeen and twenty-nine months. I could always be proven wrong and all my fictotypes could turn out to just be really long-lasting flickers, but two and a half years is a pretty long while for something to be a part of your identity for it to just go away.
Do you enjoy fictionflickering? Why/why not? What’s the best and worst parts about them?
Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It’s just a thing that happens to me, it’s a net neutral. Sometimes a fictionflicker will make me learn something about myself, or help me accept an aspect of myself I previously hated, or inspire me to become a better person. Sometimes it makes me emotionally feel a way I really don’t want to feel, calls to light parts of myself I should be suppressing, or leads me to act on impulses that cause me harm. And those could all be part of the same flicker. They have been in the past, in fact. Like, my current flicker is helping me process some feelings I’ve had my whole life on the denial of personhood I experienced as an autistic child. It’s also causing me a lot of distress when I interact with the source and my brain pulls its maneuvers and flips the image makes me feel like I can remember the pain of what the character is experiencing. Plot points in a video game become far too personal.
Post-writing note: I saved this one for last because I kind of... had a breakthrough when writing it. You’d think it would be one of the more serious ones, right? Anyway, click keep reading to see my brain make its funky little connections in real time.
If you could choose to be any entity, what would you be?
Shapeshifter. 100%. I love what I am, and the only thing I could imagine being that would reflect what I am perfectly is a shapeshifter. Not a shapeshifter who can turn into anything they want; specifically a shapeshifter with fixed forms, those forms being human plus my theriotypes. That’s honestly what I feel like sometimes. I’m a shapeshifter with five animal forms, each one equally them, locked into one form (human) by virtue of birth. The only reason I’m any more a human than I am a badger, opossum, raven or osprey is because I look like one. If I could change forms, I’d be all five indiscriminately, 20% of me for each ‘type.
Have you ever done anything weird while in a shift? What was it?
Almost definitely. I can vaguely remember being “that kid who hissed and growled at people when they were mad” in elementary school, before I learned that’s not normal.
If you could physically become your identity irreversibly, would you?
Well, if you say my identity is any one of my four theriotypes, then no. But if we’re going off the “I feel like a shapeshifter who can’t shapeshift” identity, then yes. I’m so glad I did this exercise- it really did give me an opportunity to write out and develop this feeling and realize the best way to describe my species identity.
If you could physically become your identity, what would you do?
Really just the only sequence of events that I desperately want but is impossible: fly, find a lake, dive into the water, catch a fish in my talons, carry it to the right spot and tear into it with my beak. I don’t have wings, talons or a beak so you can see why this would be difficult.
Ending note
The more and more I think about this the more I feel drawn to the term “shapeshifter,” the way I’ve always been drawn to the concept. It’s not an accurate word, because I can’t change my shape, of course. But I feel like my state of being is this... the most natural condition of my existence if it could ever come to be is shapeshifter. I just instinctively think of myself as a shapeshifter. I get species euphoria from my theriotypes, but also the idea of being a shapeshifter... portraying myself as a shapeshifter in whatever way I can gives me species euphoria. Especially a shapeshifter who specifically turns into a badger, an osprey, an opossum and a raven, and only those things.
I feel like this is undeniably a polytherian-with-lots-of-theriotypes feeling, and I’d be curious to know if anyone else feels like this, or at least if I’ve done a good job describing it (cause I feel like I haven’t and you’re reading this thinking “everyone feels like this”). I wish there was a word to describe this. One that wasn’t polymorph (doesn’t describe what I’m trying to convey here, trust me) or “shapeshifterkin” (I’ve seen that tag. It’s 100% aesthetic). I also really wish I could put this into words correctly. But shapeshifter who can’t shift is the best I got.
Short answer, no. Long answer… still no, but in an unnecessarily complicated way.
Explanation under cut. If you’re curious, I mean.
How often do you get memories?
So, I don’t have memories in the traditional sense. With my theriotypes, which I do believe to be sort-of past lives, I have… feelings, I guess. A strong feeling of tunneling through desert soil, crawling behind a dumpster in a dark alleyway as an opossum, hearing the wolves in the distance, soaring over a vast mammoth steppe- though that one’s not a theriotype- stuff like that. Feelings. But nothing conclusive. Just feelings that I’ve done that before, even though I physically haven’t.
As for fictotypes- I don’t call them memories, because “memory” implies that this is a thing that actually happened. But when I have dream shifts, it’s typically something that could feasibly happen to the character, in the source, and I wake up feeling like… this happened to whatever version of the character I am. It just didn’t happen to me, because these aren’t past lives.
Are these spiritual, psychological, or something else in origin?
It’s hard to say for sure, but I know it does. The easiest thing to see is how it’s led me to consider ideas that I closed my mind to before. Like past lives for example. Or parts of myself that I would have suppressed, even if they had nothing to do with my alterhumanity. I can also safely say that the therian community is the really the first place I ever felt safe and at home. The first place I felt fully welcomed, uplifted not despite but because of who I was.
Much more under the cut!
Is this identity an overall positive or negative experience?
I want to say neither. It’s just me. How could that be positive or negative? But sometimes your life is improved just by being who you are.
Do you experience species dysphoria related to this identity?
A little. I experience what I like to call flight dysphoria. It causes me distress, sometimes on a daily basis, that I cannot fly and I never will. Other than that, and a few weird little things like “it feels weird to have blunt teeth right now,” I would say I experience less than most people.
Do you experience species euphoria related to this identity?
Yes. It’s instant serotonin when someone calls me a bird. Also, not exactly species identity, but when someone compares me to one of my fictotypes, that’s an amazing feeling.
What makes you feel connected to this identity?
I don’t tend to go seeking out experiences… sometimes I feel more connected to myself just by being myself. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t kill to go parasailing, or that I don’t feel more osprey-like when I’m by a large body of water.
What makes you feel less connected to this identity?
All of my daily human responsibilities. I have to respond to emails and write up applications when all I really want to be doing is soaring over the coast looking for the perfect fish. You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that out of all my theriotypes, osprey is the one I’d most like to live the life of.
Does this identity affect your gender?
I mentioned this before in the tags of some post but, my therianthropy does not affect my gender, at least not as much as my fictionkinity. One of my fictotypes is commonly portrayed as a gender non-conforming man, fluid, or nonbinary, and seeing him that way has helped me come to terms with that identity in myself. Maybe “affect” is the wrong word; I don’t think it was because of the fictotype that I identify this way. It’s more like having the fictotype helped me accept myself.
Does this identity affect your sexuality?
Not really. I don’t really have much of a sexuality to speak of to begin with.
A lot, I’d say, though I don’t exactly have anything to compare my experiences to since people don’t tend to talk about cameo shifts.
What do you shift to?
Mostly cat. I cameo shift to cat a lot. It makes sense, since cats are a kithtype and I had cats growing up and was around cats a lot even for someone who owned two. I just understand cats better than any other animal- better than humans, honestly. And it’s easy to get them to understand you in return; you just have to know how they tick.
A bit more under the cut.
Are they phantom, mental, dream, sensory or other shifts?
Phantom and mental usually. I did have a few cat dream shifts when I was a kid but I haven’t had any in years, and sensory shifts would be impossible to notice since my theriotypes have similar sensory experiences.
What makes you feel your cameo shifts are just shifts as opposed to another identity?
Because I’m not a cat. Simple. I do not think of myself as a cat. Biggest indicator: I do not get species euphoria when people compare me to a cat or when I appear in online games or roleplays as a cat. It just doesn’t fit right. I’m flattered when people think I’m catlike, because like I said, I have a very important kinship with cats and I appreciate them. But it’s wrong.
Do you enjoy cameo shifting? Why/why not? What’s the best and worst parts about them?
Sure. Cat m-shifts are always a fun time. Just want to chill or play. Honestly not that much different from my usual mindset. My natural state if I were to be free of societal obligations but still human.
Why do you think these shifts occur? Does anything trigger them?
Yeah, as I said, raised around cats. And I do think specific things trigger them usually. It’s always so good when I’m around my cats at home and I get a cat shift, like my brain thinks it’s fitting in.
Do you experience voluntary or involuntary shifts? Both? What triggers them?
They’re always involuntary. I don’t have any reason to trigger them.
