Lately, I have these depressed images in my mind
which I cannot properly express to my once or twice a month clinical psychologist or my school counsellor. Not to worry I am going to turn into a killer or a violent woman. No. I just let them flying through my mind until a point that I no longer care or too tired or stop thinking and forgetting. From the bottom of my heart, perhaps this is the only venting solution or closures I can have from my end:
If I ever bump into you again the second time, I will still pretend I don’t know you and act like a stranger passing through you. Because I don’t want the buried past to be triggered once more. You are the one who white out our friendship and finally accepted it. I will act like I never ever know you.
You are worse than he is, and I will also pretend I don’t know you at all regardless where I bump into you. Even worse than the above, I want to slap you in the face, take a piece of glass, perhaps a coffee mug or a flower pot, break it directly to the ground to show me how furious I have been. Yet, I know it will never happen because we will never ever bump into each other. Instead, I clearly realize I need an one-sided closure which I now figure it is more than one-time, a repeated and on-going one until my mind no longer remembers. I finally understand the ending of Alfie because I seem to become one of them in the end, and my mind cannot help it unless one day I no longer remember and my wound has finally been self-healed. Yet, it is my own business now, I am not a bitch who will try to hunt and haunt others, and will quietly heal myself just like a kitty quietly licks her wound until it recovers.
Regarding yesterday’s post of INFPs’ imaginative conversations, I believe I have nothing to say to those 2 anymore but the above-mentioned images. Unfortunately these men , like the other male friends in my life, no one can clearly read my mind and understand how angry I have been, except my church brother Fred, therefore, 99.9% of my life will not be most likely hear apologies from them because of their pride, stupidity , cowardliness, stubbornness o/and not-even-care to-hurt-m- feelings-in-the-past-or-even-the-future attitude. The only man who can read my mind is not my dad but maybe church brother Fred. Perhaps it is because he is way older than I am and he was? is? gay? bi-sexual? (So that he understands a woman’s mind very well, plus I am honest with him 99% of the time, greater than my BFF now somehow. Sometimes I even wonder if he has already replaced my BFF status even he lives far away compared to the BFF).
I just pray and hope that the third man (if Lord is willing to send someone new by any chance) won’t be like those 2 anymore. 2 are maximum, I am emotionally exhausted and cannot handle another one in my life anymore.
