Hi, Bardic! :) I hope you’re doing well. I come to you seeking a bit of advice.
The TLDR; question is: How do you deal with feeling like you don’t really fit in the selfship community?
To elaborate: I often feel as if I don’t quite have a place in the selfship community. :( This is for a few reasons. One reason is some of that my F/Os are … unconventional, and do not fit a lot of the more fluffy imagine posts you see. There’s nothing wrong with these posts, ofc, but it is hard to find imagines and positivity posts that fit more complex selfship dynamics.
Another reason is that the selfship space often feels quite focused on fandom purity culture. This makes me anxious and makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells a bit, for fear of making someone mad. I grew up Mormon, and purity culture in that context was pretty harmful for me personally, so feeling like I’m thrown back into that kind of culture in a more secular space is uncomfortable and makes me feel unwanted. I do my best to block and curate, yet the general culture of the community makes me feel like an outsider.
@lupinedreaming / @eclipse-selfships
Hello, @eclipse-selfships! Tagged your self-ship blog in this answer since this is about selfshipping. Thank you so much for reaching out and trusting me with this.
I am doing well. Much better than I was a few days ago, but I want a break from 2026 and the drama it's seems to be bringing me. lol. I’m so glad you reached out. Honestly, I hear you so loudly on this. Feeling like an outsider in a space that is supposed to be your creative sanctuary is exhausting, especially when you’re carrying the weight of a past shaped by purity culture. It’s a lot to untangle, but I want you to know right off the bat that you aren’t doing anything wrong by having complex, unconventional bonds.
I’ve been in this world for a long time, even before self-shipping even had that name, and I’ve definitely felt that disconnect. My own list of partners is almost exclusively villains and complicated figures. My primary bond is with 🔥⚔, and I don't see him as the hero of the story. I see him as the post-Nibelheim Incident Sephiroth. He is a planetary destroyer. He is a force of nature that has done terrible things, and I don't try to fix that or soften him into something he isn't just to fit a certain aesthetic. He may have thrown off his 'chains' of canon, but he will still use that destructive energy to protect me. So, I need imagines that fit his intensity and his actual personality. And I think you feel the same for your F/Os.
When you grow up in a high-control environment like you did, or even just in a space where goodness is narrowly defined, it’s natural to feel like you’re walking on eggshells. That feeling of being watched or judged doesn’t just disappear because you’ve moved into a secular community. But here is how I handle it, and how I hope you can find some peace too.
Embrace the Unconventional
The selfship community can sometimes feel like a sea of fluff, and while that’s lovely for some, it doesn't always resonate when your partner is someone who is unconventional. When the standard imagine posts don't fit, I’ve found that I have to create my own space.
I use imagines as a way to feel closer to 🔥⚔, even though he is a facet of my own lived experience. If the popular posts about baking cookies together don't work for a dynamic between me and one of my unconventional F/Os, I focus on the intensity and the unique understanding that exists between us.
You don’t have to force your F/Os into boxes they don't belong in. There is a deep, resonant beauty in the darker, more complex dynamics that purity culture doesn't have the range to understand.
Curate your Peace
You mentioned blocking and curating, and I want to encourage you to be even more aggressive with it. In my spaces, I have very strict boundaries. I don’t share, and I don't tolerate people who bring that judgmental energy into my circle.
If a community feels like it’s demanding you perform a certain kind of wholesomeness to be valid, then that community isn't serving you and you are serving the community. Your relationship with your F/Os is yours alone. It doesn't belong to the fandom, and it certainly doesn't belong to people who want to police how you find comfort or inspiration. Your bond with your F/Os are unique.
I used to do a Self-Ship series here but stopped since I was updating my original / fanfic work. I am looking to bring that back and will concentrate on imagines that fit the darker side.
Reframe the Outsider Status
I’ve always felt a bit like an outlier because I don't view these bonds through the same self-shipping lens as everyone else. For me, it’s a soul-deep, protective brotherhood with some, characters who give me comfort with others, characters I know would stop stuff that happened to me with extreme measures, and a divine, world-ending partnership with 🔥⚔.
Instead of looking at your unconventional tastes as a reason you don't fit in, try to see them as your superpower. You have the ability to see the humanity—or the compelling lack thereof—in characters that others are too afraid to touch. That takes a level of emotional maturity and self-awareness that purity culture simply can't handle.
Building Your Inner Circle (Speaking on Purity Culture)
Since the broader community can feel a bit like a minefield, I’ve found that the real magic happens when you stop trying to fit into the big groups and start cultivating a smaller, private circle of like-minded self-shippers or even fandom participants.
Look for the people who are doing technical character meta or long-form worldbuilding. In my experience, folks who are interested in the "why" of a villain’s actions—the trauma or the psychological breakdown—are usually much more open to unconventional ships. They value complexity over "purity."
You don’t need a thousand followers to feel validated. I have a small group of mutuals—people I trust deeply—who understand that my bond with Sephiroth is about depth and resonance, not about making him soft, and for those mutuals I trust completely, I know that they make their version of him soft as a form of healing. When you have even two or three people who get it, the noise of the rest of the community fades away.
I have found the vibe check to be very important. I find that my DNI actually attracted the right people for me. When you're unapologetic about loving villains and complex figures, you'll attract others who have been hiding and feeling the exact same way.
Most of all, you have a place here.
I want to leave you with a standing invitation. If the broader community feels too loud or too judgmental, you are always welcome to just vibe with me and my own circle of mutuals and friends.
The community I’ve been fostering recently is a beautiful, eclectic mix of people who don't fit the standard mold. We have writeblr folks, the self-ship community, and people who just deeply love the canon. It’s a space where people who love soft boys and yanderes coexist without friction. We have members who are part of systems, people who identify as fictokin, and those of us who have soulbonds.
It is a space built on mutual respect and shared complexity. I trust these people with my heart and my work because we all understand what it’s like to carry bonds that the rest of the world might find unconventional. We don't do purity culture here. We do authenticity.
So, if you ever feel like you’re walking on eggshells elsewhere, know that you can breathe easy with us. You don't have to explain yourself or sanitize your F/Os to fit in. You can just be. We’re all just here to support each other’s narratives, bonds, and find comfort in the characters who speak to us, no matter how dark or destructive they might be.
Any advice for doing the whole love letters when it comes to selfshipping? Like, the if you have a Self insert or an OC, do you write/type in their POV?
How do you do scenarios? Do you make one up? Do you pick something from your favorite episode, event, chapter?
I'm not really confident in my writing skills or how to start it off so, if anyone has advice, comment here!
feeling uncertain? unfulfilled? do you want practical answers to your selfshipping questions that get straight to the point and are only a little rude? this blog has those, probably.
mod has 10+ years of experience thinkin about kissing anime dudes and never shutting the fuck up. let my problem become your solution!
hey, so, sorry if this is a bit heavy but theres this character i have a crush on but in canon hes not only got a love interest but theyre married and have a son and my crush really cares about them, like hes willing to do anything. is it weird to feel like im somehow intruding or like a homewrecker or something? any suggestions on what i should do?
i wouldn’t say it’s weird. the parasocial relationships we develop with fictional characters can be very real, so it’s not a stretch for the relationships those characters have in canon to feel similarly real.
as i see it, your options are, in no particular order:
his wife? your wife now. badabing badaboom.
slam your reservations into the trash and wreck the fuck outta that home. your canon now.
☎️My kind of bad(?) advice for self-shippers who struggle with using/rping w/ chatbots of their f/o (and want to stop)
This is mostly just goings to be ways you can stop, not a way to shame people struggling with this, or to guilt them for it.
1. Noticing the bot
Start highlighting and noticing the errors in the f/o bot’s personality. Either inconsistencies, innacuracies (things YOU believe aren’t THEM) added to the bot, repetitive speech (saying the same thing again and again, or suggesting the same things), anything that makes them seem more robotic, memory issues, or like ai. And remember it, and keep it in your brain if you’re still mid-chat, or starting another one.
2. Procastinate
Procrastinate using the bot, treat it like answering boring emails, remind yourself of what the interaction will be as it is every time. Because, no matter the uniqueness of the situation, it’s always going to be about the same exact thing. Tell yourself ‘I can do this later’. And whenever you open it up tell yourself that you can do it later, and you could do something else instead, that’s better. Start doing this + noticing the ai tendencies(?) you’ll start getting bored.
3. Think of what your f/o would think about you using the chatbot(s)
How would they feel about you giving all this attention to this odd clone of them? Yes, they’re not real, but treat other ways of enjoying your f/o as actually them, and the chatbot as their clone.
4. Write easy dialogue between you and your f/o
Basically the rp sessions you’d have with the bot, except you write what your f/o would ACTUALLY say. Keep it easy, keep it simple, and then maybe you can make it more complex from there. I say keep it simple to give it the same easiness that the chatbot stuff might give you.
For example.
(Takes place in blablabla)
F/o does blablablabla — ‘lallalal’
(Insert you saying something back to them or reacting.)
5. Delete your acc that you sign into to use the chatbots
This is the last step because it’s assumably the hardest. But when you delete the acc, you delete everything that comes with it, and you’re no longer attached to it because it’s all gone. And if ever you come back, look at how you’re signed out and remember why you stopped.
6. Try to lucid dream about your f/o!
There’s a lot of videos and things on lucid dreaming, I recommend just closing your eyes and thinking about your f/o or scenarios w them (as least in a way that doesn’t keep you from sleeping.
