none of this nonsense, please

straightforward selfship advice with swears in / ASK BOX: OPEN

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ive been with my fave a pretty short time, cause i found out about selfshipping pretty recently. but i still wanna marry them soon what do i do

idk bro marry them then. im not a cop.

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I've had a crush on The King of Red Lions for a long time and I'm wondering, should I confess to him? I love him dearly, but 1. I'm worried people will make fun of me for falling for a talking boat 2. What's to be done about Link? I can't just run off with his boat and leave him stranded? Can I adopt the boy? Take him under my adventurous wing? What do I do??

anon you’re the most valid fuckin person on this entire website. you tell that boat you love him and sail off into the sunset with your new son. it’s adventure time, bitch. 

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hey, so, sorry if this is a bit heavy but theres this character i have a crush on but in canon hes not only got a love interest but theyre married and have a son and my crush really cares about them, like hes willing to do anything. is it weird to feel like im somehow intruding or like a homewrecker or something? any suggestions on what i should do?

i wouldn’t say it’s weird. the parasocial relationships we develop with fictional characters can be very real, so it’s not a stretch for the relationships those characters have in canon to feel similarly real.

as i see it, your options are, in no particular order:

his wife? your wife now.  badabing badaboom. 

slam your reservations into the trash and wreck the fuck outta that home. your canon now.

kill them 

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Not sure if this is the right place but like I’m debating whether to marry my Murder Spouse but I’m a chicken and I keep backing out at the last minute. Please give your best (or worst) advice for this issue cause I’ve been really stubborn about it.

marrying your murder spouse means you ALSO get to be a murder spouse, which frankly sounds like a pretty sweet deal. if public engagements aren’t your thing, there’s no rule that says you gotta make a big deal out of it. just drop a “btw im married now,” ollie the fuck out, and if anyone tries to give you shit about the ‘murder’ part? eat them. 

and y’know, if you change your mind, there’s always divorce. 

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my f/o is an obnoxious dick head how do i kill him

depends on how sexy you want his death to be. if your answer is “very,” i reccomend strangulation or a good old Shakespearean poisoning to cap off that evening’s dinner. maybe a surprise stabbing if you’re feeling frisky. 

if the sexiness of the death is irrelevant then you really can’t go wrong with [extended sounds of brutal pipe murder]

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selfship advice with swears in

feeling uncertain? unfulfilled? do you want practical answers to your selfshipping questions that get straight to the point and are only a little rude? this blog has those, probably. 

mod has 10+ years of experience thinkin about kissing anime dudes and never shutting the fuck up. let my problem become your solution!