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Oct 11, 2018

Awkward II.

Words: 3k

Song recommendation: Now or Never by SF9

Being in the same company as the one, who rejected your feelings was relatively awkward.

You would constantly run into each other in the halls, shoot each other uneasy looks, smile briefly before hastily coming up with an excuse to leave.

No biggie, right? It was something many had to go through, whether they were students in the same class or random strangers, who lived close to each other, crossing paths every now and then. Who had become friends and got closer and closer until one of them caught feelings, confessed and they drifted further and further apart after the ultimate, most dreaded response.

Those encounters would be uncomfortable at most.

But being in the same company as the one, who rejected your feelings and being close-knit friends with his group since trainee days…made this all ten thousand times harder.

You watched from across the dance room as the boys of Sf9 and the girls in your group were scattered around, munching on the take out your managers had brought over. You watched him chuckle at something Rowoon was showing him on his phone, his usually solemn expression brightening with that one cheerful emotion. You couldn’t tell when it started making your heart race but now you couldn’t tell whether you would ever be able to stop feeling like this.

His eyes suddenly met yours despite the distance and you almost dropped your chopsticks in your hand at the rush of emotions that coursed through your veins, the butterflies flying amok in your stomach.

“You what?” he breathed out, almost whispering.

“I…I like you,” you said, slowly starting to regret your outburst upon seeing his petrified expression.

“…Oh,” was all he said and that’s when your heart dropped. Whatever Mina or Youngbin or Inseong had seen…it was false. Because he was sure as hell not looking at you the way you were looking at him.

“Listen Y/N,” Chani started, swallowing nervously, “I-I’m really sorry, I don’t...”

“No, no. I get it,” you said quickly, biting your lip harshly. Right now, you just wanted to get away as fast as possible, “It’s all good...um, I think I forgot to buy something. You can go ahead.”

He nodded slowly, quickly accepting your lame excuse and you could see him sigh slightly in relief. “Yeah...alright. See you then.”

You turned around without answering, scrunching your eyes shut at the burning feeling of rejection in your chest.

He quickly snapped his head back down, his dark brown eyes flicking around and you felt your chest clench painfully. That was probably the first eye contact you two shared after two weeks when you parted ways that day.

These encounters weren’t uncomfortable at most. They were hella awkward.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Mina had said after you retold what had happened with your head buried in your pillow. “I really thought he likes you. We all did.”

“Well, you were wrong,” you sighed, “And now it’s going to be so embarrassing to see him.”

“Hey now. This will all blow over in a few weeks and you will get over it and find your ultimate soulmate,” Yuna tried to console you from your other side, rubbing your back, “You just need some time.”

“Yeah, I guess...,” you replied, sniffling slightly.

“Aigoo, don’t cry now, sweetie,” your unnies cooed, squishing you between their arms, “A boy is not worth your tears.”

“I know. I will just have to avoid him until then,” you muttered, snuggling deeper into the comforts of your bed as if it could swallow you and your embarrassment.

“It’s gonna be alright, don’t worry too much.” Easy to say, but you couldn’t help but cringe every single time you bumped into him or even his members. At first, you thought he would tell them all what had occurred that day and you were mentally preparing yourself for their pitiful stares or teasing - mainly from Dawon - but nothing of that sort happened. He hadn’t told anyone for your sake and you were grateful for that for the most part even though it just made you crush even harder on him. However, they did stop trying to push you two together, scared shitless of his death glares. You were glad about that as well, you couldn’t imagine being anywhere alone with him again.

If you did happen to end up in the vicinity of the other the atmosphere would turn tense up to borderline unbearable and you couldn’t do anything about it. Each time you saw him you got reminded of that god awful moment of rejection as if it had just freshly happened. And it was like he remembered too because he would always robotically greet you and then clam up…well, clam up more than usual. It was no wonder no one else realized, he was a naturally quiet person, but you being hyperaware of his every move due to your stupid feelings just had to notice those slight changes.

At first at least. After a week he simply started to ignore your presence, seeing that this was the easiest approach to this particular situation. You felt hurt when he would brush off your greetings with a silent nod, not even turning his head in your direction, or when he would always turn his back on you when you were approaching but you figured it was a good way to get rid of your feelings.

You were walking down the hallway where all the practice rooms were located, having finished your rapping lessons for the day. Glancing down at your watch, you sighed as you read 11PM. You should be used to it by now, but you felt exhausted when you thought back on how you woke up at 6AM. And how you were going to have to wake up at that time again tomorrow. You heard roars of laughter ahead and looked up to see some of the boys standing in the middle of the hallway with your unnies from AOA.

Of course, your eyes immediately zoomed in on Chani’s figure, your heart leaping awake after having slept the entire day deprived of his existence near you and you cursed it for betraying you. ‘We’re over him, remember that!’ you scolded yourself, slowing down as you contemplated whether there was another route for you to get out from. As you kept thinking you kept observing their interaction, noticing how Chani stared at his noona’s, hanging onto their every word and smiling down shyly ever time he made eye contact with them. The burning ache that had dulled down over time resurfaced and you involuntarily scrunched your face at the pain. You should be used to it by now.

Seolhyun pinched his cheek, giving some kind of compliment that you couldn’t quite make out but your eyes were sharp enough to detect the blush on his cheeks and the tiniest tilt of his lips as they turned up. Fortunately or unfortunately, Hwiyoung got aware of your presence.

“Yah, Y/N-ah!” he called you over cheerily and you plastered up a fake smile, approaching them. Your heart sank when you noticed Chani’s lips turn down into the frown as he caught sight of you before he turned his head away in indifference.

“Hey peeps,” you greeted them, bowing slightly to your unnies.

“Yah, haven’t we told you not to do that?” Seolhyun complained playfully, “It makes us feel old.”

“Well, you kinda are,” you responded cheekily to which she slapped your arm as the boys and you laughed (minus Chani). “Rude!”

“At least you don’t look older than you are,” Hwiyoung grumbled and you giggled at his sour expression. People always assumed he was 25-something because of his features when in reality he had just turned 19. You locked your arm through his, pulling him to you. “Don’t worry, Hwiyoungie. We all know what a baby you are.”

“A baby?? Just because you are a few months older!”

“Half a year, hellooo?”

“And you act more like a baby then I do!”

“Oh really? When did I ever act like one, hm?”

“Remember that time in the haunted house?”

“You were the one, who screamed like a dolphin!”

“No, that was you!”

“We both know I can’t hit high notes like that. Didn’t we have a competition a few months ago?”

“…that was still you in the haunted house…”

“Yeah, sure. Keep telling yourself that.”

The others were in tears at this point except for Chani, who for some reason seemed rather annoyed. “They’re fighting over who’s a baby when they both act like one,” he said dryly, 'tch'ing and you immediately shut up.

“Yah, our maknae is so rude. We gotta teach him a lesson,” Taeyang, who had been laughing his head off, spoke up now, putting his dongsaeng in a headlock. You watched the two wrestling quietly as you fiddled with Hwiyoung’s sleeve.

“Why are you suddenly so quiet?” he inquired, moving his head closer to talk quietly as if he knew you didn’t want others to hear. You smiled at him gratefully, being reminded once again why he was your best friend.

“It’s nothing. I just realized how tired I am.”

“Sure. And I don’t look like 25,” he sassed and you had to chuckle at that.

“You can’t really blame people when they hear you talk with your deep ass voice,” you commented and he cleared his throat, attempting a higher pitch.

“How about now?” he asked, his voice close to a dolphin and you giggled.

“Way better,” you encouraged with a faux thumbs up and he just grinned.

“I know you are not serious but at least you are laughing,” he said and you laid your head on his shoulder, touched by his sweet and simple nature. He would always try to cheer you up no matter if he knew why you were upset or not. “Thanks, Hwiyoungie,” you said quietly, yawning to yourself.

“Let’s head home, shall we?” Hwiyoung suggested and the others nodded, Taeyang and Chani finishing their playfight. You startled when you saw he had his eyes on you and didn’t even look away when yours connected with his this time. An unreadable expression was set on his face and his brown orbs flickered slightly between you and Hwiyoung before he turned away like usual, leaving you in the shadow of his attention. The AOA unnies parted ways with you, each of them having their own apartments unlike you after so many years of debuting. You knew when you reached their level, you and your members would get their own places as well as a reward and you already felt excited about it.

“I wonder if we can choose where to live,” you spoke out loud as you headed to the complex with the Sf9’s maknae line.

“I’m sure we can tell our preferences as long as it’s reasonable,” Taeyang voiced out his thoughts from the other side of Hwiyoung. You still had your arm locked around his with your head on his shoulder, putting dead weight on him in your tiredness. And you kind of wanted to assess Chani’s weird behavior and whether it would happen again or not. So far, he showed no signs but his face was still set in that unreadable expression as he looked off in the distance.

“So, no Gangnam for us,” Hwiyoung said and you pouted.

“But they have the best restaurants there,” you whined slightly.

“Just take a flat nearby,” Taeyang suggested.

“Or maybe I will just share a flat,” you mused, “Will you share with me, Hwiyoung?”

“Pff as if,” Chani scoffed, speaking up all of a sudden, “You really think anyone wants to share a flat after years of being stuck in a dorm with each other?”

“I wasn’t stuck in a dorm with Hwiyoungie,” you mumbled half-heartedly, feeling like a kicked puppy. Why was he being like this? You didn't ask for his opinion, yet he insisted on hurting you anyways.

Taeyang noticed your disheartenment and slapped his dongsaeng on the back of his head. “Aish, you are so harsh sometimes.”

“Wae? I was just telling the truth,” he complained, rubbing the sore spot, “I can’t wait to move out of that dorm. You guys are too messy.”

“Says the one, who leaves everything around,” Hwiyoung shot.

“Says the one, who is so cheap he won’t even share his shampoo,” Chani shot back, causing the other to scoff.

“What does that have to do with you being messy?”

“Nothing, but I wanted to point that out,” he said with a shrug, glancing at you, “You don’t want to live with a cheap guy, do you? Y/N?”

“At least he is not uselessly throwing his money away,” you pondered out loud with a shrug and he looked away with his lips pressed together.

“See? I’m amazing,” Hwiyoung complimented himself, puffing his chest.

“Now, I never said that- oof,” you whined as he elbowed you lightly, “That hurt!”

“Serves you right. We gotta be on the same side if we move in together.”

Your eyes lit up. “Does that mean you would?”

“Sure thing. I don’t like living alone,” he said with a shrug and you cheered, jumping a bit.

“You mean you are too scared to live alone,” Chani grumbled with Taeyang snickering in agreement.

“Am not!”

“You are!”

“You kinda really are,” you admitted, grinning cheekily at your best friend, who glared at you in betrayal.

“That’s it! I’m going to look for someone else to live with!” he declared, going ahead and you gasped dramatically, playing along. “No, Hwiyoung-nim. Please do not deprive me of your presence!”

“Too late! This man is gone!”

“Too bad. Anyone else wanna move in with me?” you asked, turning to the other two with a nonchalant shrug. You grinned when you heard a dramatic gasp from behind you.

“How dare you give up on me so easily?” your best friend exclaimed and promptly picking you up and running the rest of the way to the apartment, yelling like Tarzan. You tried to shout over him but your laughter wouldn’t let you, “Hwiyoung! Let me down!”

“Never! I’m not losing my flatmate to them losers!”

“WHaT?!” Taeyang and Chani yelled from behind.

“Nothing!”

Times like these were the greatest. They reminded you of why you were doing this, how you managed to keep going after so many hardships. Without the mental support of the others, without the teamwork and cheering ups at your downs, you didn’t think you would have come anywhere close to reaching your goals. Of course, you need a certain amount of hard work and talent to become an idol, but 50% of the chances also depended on luck. And you were damn lucky for your unnies and Sf9.

But when you glanced back towards the youngest of the boy group your happiness dimmed and you saw his smile falter slightly as well when he met your eyes. You were glad that he didn’t tell anyone about your confession but you also regretted trying in the first place. Now you felt like you took a bit of that luck away because, despite these beautiful times, you would always remember that awkward moment between you.

Even now, when Hwiyoung placed you down right in front of his younger to ring the doorbell, you both stiffened in surprise at the sudden proximity and shuffled away from each other, you bumping slightly into your best friend’s back.

You thought that time that you would never be able to get over him. Until you overheard a very interesting conversation between him and his hyungs one late evening.

The girls and boys had been spending the late afternoon together, your elders joyfully drinking whilst you weren’t allowed to yet (officially). Today they were intent on not letting you drink a single drop despite the fact that you needed it now more than ever after being seated right next to Chani.

It was safe to say that your tensed posture didn’t relax over the entire evening and you finally sagged in relief when you waved goodbye to the boys and went towards the elevator to get up to your dorm.

“Damn, where is my phone?” you muttered to yourself when you had tried to reach for it in your pocket only to come up empty-handed.

“Maybe it slipped out at the boy’s place,” Mina pondered and you guessed she was right, stopping the elevator before the doors fully closed. “Be right back, you go on,” you yelled over your back, already jogging back towards the boy’s dorm. You would have knocked and maybe avoided listening in on their conversation but knowing them, they forgot to lock the door again and simply turned the handle. ‘They’re such easy targets for thievery,’ you thought to yourself as you silently walked in, thinking of a way to scare them.

“What’s the matter between you and Y/N lately?” you froze as you heard Dawon say your name, wondering why they were talking about you.

Your heart skipped a beat when Chani answered, “What do you mean?” They were asking him about you?

“Well, things are weird-ish between you. Like all awkward and tense.”

“Yeah, before that she would at least be friendly to you,” Rowoon agreed, “Did you finally confess and she rejected you?” The others laughed out loud as you raised your eyebrows. That’s what they were thinking? That Chani was the one with the unrequited feelings?

You chuckled soundlessly to yourself. If only they knew.

“No, hell no!” Chani immediately declined, “I never confessed to her.”

“But you do you like her?”

“No! Jeez, you guys. I thought you let it go.”

“Nope, never.”

“We are drunk now, your scary glares are not scary to us anymore.”

You heard Chani sigh loudly, “For the thousands time. I don’t feel a single thing for her.”

“Hmm, what do you think, Jae?” Dawon said thoughtfully. “Isn’t our little Chani behaving strangely lately?”

“Totally,” Jaeyoon answered in that same thoughtful tone, “And he is being more defensive than usual. I bet he confessed and got rejected.”

The others ‘Ooh’ed loudly as if hit by the revelation and you rolled your eyes, wishing they would let it go. You felt warm at the fact that Chani was basically protecting you from humiliation by not saying anything, but you also wondered how long he would be able to take this teasing.

“I did not!” he protested. “Stop it already.”

“Oh you did not, you say?”

“But something must have happened for little Y/N to be so cold towards little Chani nowadays.”

“Who says she is being cold to me?”

“Puh-lease,” Jaeyoon scoffed, “We can tell. I bet if you confessed to her now, she would definitely reject you.”

“Yeah,” Inseong laughed, jumping into the conversation for the first time, “Before that you might have had the slightest chance, but now…”

“What the hell?” Chani cursed and you could tell he was getting frustrated, “Of course she would accept my confession.”

Would you? Yeah, you would, definitely.

“Oh, you are that sure?”

“Yes.”

“Well, do it then,” Dawon dared, causing your heartbeat to stop.

“W-what?”

“Confess to her and if you don’t get rejected you have one wish from each of us.”

“WhAt?!”

"NO!"

"Why all of us?!" the others immediately complained, speaking over one another. Now you knew Dawon was drunk and out of his mind (more than usual) and you were happy to see the others had still kept their sanity in check.

“And if you do get rejected,” Dawon spoke out loudly, “Each of us has a wish on you!” Your jaw dropped when the complaints immediately turned into approving hums.

“You guys are crazy,” Chani said, thankfully not drunk, “But if I really get a wish from each of you…” Your jaw dropped.

He didn’t drink a single drop!

“We have a deal!” Dawon cheered, drunkenly.

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