#shadysider

[feigncourage-moved]

camp counselor ken doll

using this to debut kurts new blog @sunnyvaler

[antigoddex-a]

IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN AND AGAIN AND A G A I N .   Xe can not remember what led to this moment , but xe knows that xe is not the whole cause of it .   [   There is blood leaving xyr shaken hands from the running water , a spoiled sign of life falling to the sink drain .  There is an abandoned knife on the floor , beside xyr feet , now unsharp and unloved .   Then there is you , staring at the mirror that does not bear your face but a MONSTER’S .   ]   Xyr eyes are shut as xe grips on the edge of the sink , xyr knuckles turning white with tears rolling over xyr cheeks .   It’s happening again , it’s happening again , it’s happening again ; why , why , why are you repeating this line , I get it , Kairos  —   Stop it , stop it , LEAVE ME ALONE   —

SOUNDS OF FOOTSTEPS OCCUR BEHIND XEM .   Quickly , xe turns over to see Christine standing at the doorway , her expression of shock at the terrible appearance xe bears . Xyr hands now grip on the roots of xyr hair .   Dread begins to tear across xyr raw throat , despair bleeds through rushed words .    ❝   Zig , plea- please , let - let me - let me ex- ex- explain ,   ❞    Desperation holds xem by the neck while the choked sounds expel from xem .   She’s there, she’s here , and she’s going to leave me alone like everyone else  —   ❝   I - I - I can not remember why am I here . . .   Why . . .   ❞   Xe gestures at the sink , the knife , xemself   [   all in blood that xe is afraid to seek answers on who it belonged to   ] .   I can not remember what I did .   I am afraid of what I will do now .

❝   But I know I - I KNOW I was being controlled by an entity .   ❞   Xe tries to explain to her in more pained tears , even though part of xem feels like she will not believe them nevertheless , just like everyone else .   (   But xe have to try , Christine has to understand .   )   ❝   Someone who can make me - who can make me anyone , do anything , be in anywhere .   And tonight , I - I - I think it made me do something horrible and I . . . I hate - I hate that I don’t know WHY . . .   I don’t . . .   I don’t . . .   ❞   [   Kairos , Kairos , Kairos , are you reading this ?   I hope you will leave this moment guilty in your dreams , in your awakening .  ]    Th- they- I feel my knees buckling .   My throat becomes sore already , even though I swear I was only speaking to her in only softness , fearing how easy I can destroy the world with just a loud voice , with raging thoughts .

THOUGH EVEN WHEN I - I - I - APPEAR / SOUND HELPLESS TO HER ,   I fear she will only think that I am a liar   —   a MONSTER .   After all , who can trust me ?    [   no one , nothing , no where .   ]   Who can love me ?   [   no one , nothing , nowhere .   ]   Her silence is violent , it cuts through the reality and pierces through me .   Part of me wants to leave this place   —   leave her ,  so I do not have to be left alone first .   Yet , this whole time anyway , I still look at Christine , as much as I want to look at anywhere but her eyes , because she is all I have now .   [   Not anymore soon , not anymore soon . She won’t believe me , I know she won’t . She won’t believe me —   ]   ❝   I believe you ,   ❞   is all she says to them , quietly , yet with all of her heart and soul put into those three words.

I SEE MYSELF IN HER THEN ,   telling her that same line after she explained to me about the Camp Nightwing massacre —  her sister’s death , and after she told me that no one would believe in her words of how Cindy died , despite everything .   I believe you was all I said , quickly , but my words were louder than the rainstorms , clearer than sea untouched by sanguine death .   Now , to be told the same with genuine emotions , I fall on my knees and the sudden sobs leave me .   I bury my face into my hands and I don’t know why am I still crying so terribly .  The weight in me doesn’t go away while my breathing become only more heavier when I realize I am so overwhelmed of being believed in for once in a lifetime .   Without thinking , I pull Christine into a hug in terrible hope that she is real and not an illusion .

BUT REMEMBERING HOW SHE IS NOT FOND OF TOUCHES ,   I try to push myself away from her presence , profusely apologizing to her for invading her space , yet she only keeps me closer to her and my entire body aches from the reminder that I am not alone .   [   That I am never alone .   ]   I close my eyes and at last , after a long time , I can breathe better again .   ❝   Thank you for - thank you for believing me when no one else does, Ziggy,   ❞   I hear my words are now more quiet , weaker , but I know it is still full of great gratitude for the returned promise made by my only friend .

[unbelong-arc]

‘i’ve seen what’s down there.  and i’d give anything to unsee it.’

send  💬   for a random piece of dialogue.     @shadysider​.

[edithmaslow]

lisTEN steve is 5’11” but he claims that extra inch

height comparison. accepting. @shadysitter.

still. illegal. truly disgusting.

[esbye]

`    ♡   .        STARTER        ⅋        @shadysider​ .

“ you may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ”

[endexe]

MOVIE SCENE EDITS FT. @SHADYSIDER​

I hear my words are now more quiet, weaker, yet I know it is still full of great gratitude for the returned promise made by my friend.

[feigncourage-moved]

gimme your thoughts on “some things never change”

literally lives in my head rent free. so much can be deduced from that line alone but esp when looked at with the rest of kurt/nick’s dynamic. i Will Not rewatch a single scene in preparation for this rant bc frankly i do not need to i just Know Things when it comes to kurt

but like. its pretty clear that even though kurts the one in charge around camp that nick calls the shots, it takes exactly 0 seconds for him to convince kurt that ziggy has to stay at camp (seemingly for the third or fourth time since this is Strike Five) and kurt backs down without hesitation, just falls for every little word out of nicks mouth. even though im pretty sure its stated that nicks on his first year as counselor? kurt definitely isnt if hes running the show, which then makes me think that kurt was still following nick around and taking orders from him while nick was a camper which honestly just. Speaks To the level of power nick had over him i think

like i definitely think some level of what she’s saying is bc Everyone in shadyside bows down to the goode family but the way she says it is clearly So Personal and the way it makes kurt turn away and run a hand through his hair with a sigh and go “i hate that little bitch” just proves that she Knows What She’s Talking About and its definitely not the first time she’s called him out on being absolutely Whipped

and yes this has nothing to do specifically with that line but the fact that we later see kurt literally grasping at nick and nick giving him instructions on how to save everyone and nick following instructions down to the letter i think just further reinforces that he follows every little command that nick gives him without second thought, probably sees nick as a leader inherently because of his family, potentially even thinks nick is gonna end up taking his role as head counsellor as soon as he’s had more than one year as a counsellor. (also i cant believe nick did All That on his first year as counsellor. did he really not want to come back for another year)

BUT ALSO i think its very interesting that he also immediately jumps to “did you do this” when he sees nick all bloody and again that has nothing to do w “some things never change” but i Am Intrigued and i think it tells us A Lot about the kurt/nick dynamic without having to explicitly say anything like kurt clearly admires and looks up to nick a lot with how quick he is to follow him around like a lost puppy but the fact that he not only thinks nick is entirely capable of killing joan but the fact that its his immediate thought when nick is bloody? he doesnt think someone else is dead he specifically thinks nick did it. thats Interesting to me and i just think it says a Lot which also makes me wonder like. what if he’s only following nick around so much out of something kind of like Fear where he’s somehow seen or worked out that nick is capable of Bad Things and he’s just working Very Hard to be on nick’s good side. with how shitty kurts mom is and yet how attached he is to her it’s not hard to believe that kurt would align himself with someone who ultimately reminds him of her, be it due to having A Lot of power over him (and everyone else) or due to the general attitude.

this got long and i feel like i actually didnt talk about that line at all but. the way nick kind of looks Exhausted when she says it and the way it obviously annoys kurt even more just makes it Very Clear in my head that nick is the boss of kurt (and by extension the Whole Camp) and everyone knows it

actually but i have more to say. because “some things never change” kind of implies that Something Else has changed. that either something has changed or something was Meant to change. and ig you could just argue that its bc this has been going on for years or that its bc nick just became a counsellor this year and kurt only probably became one the year before or two years before but. some things never change. but some things do change? what changed. tell me what changed.

[edithmaslow]

@shadysider​:    ❝ do you want a cup of coffee? ❞

         “ i don’ drink coffee. ” she’s perched on the edge of a chair, one leg bouncing almost as if the muscles are spasming -- she’s had enough adrenaline scared into her system to keep her alert for days. caffeine would be useless. her heart speeds up when she thinks about seeing his face, pale & lifeless, crusted with blood (hers? probably. his? also probably.) after she’d dealt the final blow. “ list’n, i -- i know this is a lot t’ like ... i dunno. i know y’ probably aren’t too thrilled t’see someone sayin’ their dead boyfriend is walkin’ around & tryin’ t’ kill people. i jus’ ... i don’ have anywhere t’ go, they’ve still got my apartment taped off & shit. ”

meme.