#sharf.writing

[sharffffff]

raises my hand. what if pangi struggling with her gender and lukey doesnt quite realize that that's whats going on bc pangis being really vague about it. "i dont feel right in my body" "ok well yeah pangi youre corrupted it's ok. we'll fix that soon enough :)". just completely clueless

Ever since waking up in this realm Pangi felt weird. People acting like they knew him while he had never even seen them before, everyone telling him stories of his exploits when this was the first time he ever even laid eyes on this world, people telling him how he went to the ball - that apparently happened here on two separate occasions - in a dress and a bow… And that surely couldn’t be right. He couldn’t be caught wearing a dress, he couldn’t be caught liking flowers, that’s just not something he would do. Even on Lifesteal as a bit he had never worn a dress, so why would he do it here, and not once, but twice? It just seemed like a lie. A very nice lie, a lie that he wished could be true- but it wasn’t. It couldn’t have been true. He’s a guy, he doesn’t like all those girly things. He’d never wear a dress, especially not to a public event, nuh uh. 

And yet when searching through his enderchest, which was surprisingly full for this being his first ever day on the server, he found something strange. A pink bow. The same that Aimsey told him he was wearing during the first ball. Just a coincidence, surely, it was just there by accident. Why would it ever be in his enderchest? It just didn’t make much sense. He took it out to look over it, and it sure was the girliest thing he could imagine - a pink bow with some flower petals attached to it, made to fit perfectly on one of his head scales- a prank, surely. But it wouldn’t hurt to try it on…

Nope, no, no. He stopped himself centimeters away from putting the bow on his head and quickly put it back in the shulker, and shoved the shulker itself deep into the enderchest. He couldn’t be thinking about this right now. He couldn’t be spending time getting distracted with these silly things - he had the entire server to explore, and he heard something about Nirvana that lets you fly? Surely that is more interesting than some bow. Or a dress. Or a pretty blue cornflower that he gave away - despite desperately wanting to keep it. He shook his head, he was getting distracted again. Too much free time on this realm, back on lifesteal he always had to fear for his life and didn’t have time to think about these things, so why did he have to be stuck here with his thoughts? It just felt miserable.

When a couple of days later Pangi met up with Zam, he was stunned to see him- her. He couldn’t really bring himself to call Zam “he” anymore, it was getting difficult even back on lifesteal, but here? She was wearing a long dress, had long hair and spoke much softer, and it made Pangi rethink some things. He had been noticing Zam dress differently, more girly, on lifesteal more frequently than before, but it was a running gag ever since Kings- but maybe it wasn’t a gag at all? It almost felt weird. No, not Zam - with the amount of times she joked about wanting to be a girl, Pangi has long suspected it wasn’t a joke. But… For some reason it made him feel weird about himself. Zam was so comfortable wearing a dress here… Maybe Pangi did wear a dress back at the ball, too? He didn’t write it in the book, but it just… It just felt right. He wasn’t exactly sure why it felt right, but it did. It was confusing. He didn’t want to think about it right now. It was fine, everything was fine. He was still a guy, just curious about what he had looked like in a dress. It probably didn’t even look that good, and people laughed at him, and it didn’t matter, so why would he even try to look for those answers?

The thought lingered at the back of his mind, however, as annoying as a mosquito you just barely can’t get, and as Pangi was spending the entirety of today just building with Lukey, he couldn’t help but wonder if he might have some answers.

“Hey, Lukey? You went to the ball with me, right?”

“Yeah, I did! Pili asked me to go with, and even though I said no, you still killed me for that - and then had the audacity to ask me, then tell me I couldn’t go to not upset Ros, then get asked out by another guy and then go to the ball with the both of us. Why?” Lukey turned to Pangi with that same playfully mocking expression on his face that he had during at least half of their conversations, and Pangi almost regretted asking him anything in the first place, but he believed that Lukey wouldn’t lie about the dress - he lies about plenty of unimportant things, but usually tells the truth when asked outright. Usually.

“Is it true that I wore a dress? Someone told it to me on the first- well, my first day here, and I just want to compare the accounts.”

“Oh, yes, you certainly did! Beautiful red dress with gold accents, which was a nice touch - red is a very good color to hide wine stains, or blood stains.” Lukey nodded thoughtfully, closing his eyes as if to recall the details of that evening, stupid smile spreading across his face. Pangi hated that he could imagine that dress, he hated that he could see himself wearing it. Why would he ever wear it? Why did he want to imagine himself wearing it?

“Did… Did I look good in it?” Lukey paused after hearing this question, smile getting subtler, and tilted his head slightly trying to understand just what Pangi was asking. Then, he nodded knowingly, which looked even more annoying for Pangi than his stupid smirk, and replied:

“You looked happy. Well, for the couple of minutes before Pili and Zam arrived, that is.”

“That doesn’t answer my question and you know it!” Pangi was getting annoyed, his tail tip slightly vibrating as he tried to pry some answers from this guy who kept getting more annoying with every passing second.

“Everyone looks better when they’re happy, Pangi. That includes you. And yes, you looked great in that dress. And when you started swinging that axe, too? Oh, that was magnificent! What I wouldn’t do to see you like that again.” He was doing the voice. Pangi hated that voice. Well, he loved that voice, and he hated the fact that he loved it. 

But… The thought that he looked good in the dress… Ugh, it was so annoying. He couldn’t think about that. It just felt so right and so wrong at the same time. He hated it. He hated it so badly. Why does he have to deal with all this nonsense instead of being hunted down every waking moment of his life, like back of lifesteal? That was easier than being here.

“I just… I just don’t feel right, Lukey.” Lukey’s smile softened, and Pangi hated him for that. How dare he be compassionate. It all felt wrong. He hated everyone. He really should’ve killed everyone on this server, like he wrote in the book. He’s so stupid.

“Is it about the corruption, or… about something else?” Lukey’s voice was soft, and the hand he put on Pangi’s shoulder made Pangi want to throw up. He hated everything. Why was everyone so nice here? Why did he have to deal with these thoughts here? He despised every moment of this.

“You know, Pangi, I think I might have your dress somewhere in this lab if you want to try it out again, just to see how it looks? I think it might be stained in a little bit of blood and slightly torn by Sneeg’s spear, but blood is barely visible on red fabric anyway, and the tears can count as style points. Do you want to try it out?” Lukey’s voice was still so soft, even as he started looking through chests, trying to find the piece of fabric that Pangi kind of wanted to try on again. It was stupid. Everything was stupid. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Pangi’s voice was suddenly weak, he could barely even hear himself, but Lukey must have heard it anyway - he lit up, and started searching even faster, and Pangi wanted nothing more than to kill him for that, for making him feel this way, for making him consider wearing the dress. What was wrong with him?.. 

[sharffffff]

Pangi felt silly. After all the effort they went to to get this cure, after many near-death - and in the case of Lukey, death - experiences with the wardens, after filling the catalyst with souls of more types of creatures than he even realized existed in this world, after actually trying some cure prototypes already with varying degrees of success - it was now, that they were one step away from the solution, he decided to get cold feet. Why now, if he was so ready to get cured just a couple of days ago, when Aimsey was throwing all these concoctions at him? They were as likely to work then - in his eyes, at least - as they are to work now, so why is he so scared of it? He could see the worried look in his friends’ eyes, he felt like he wanted to be cured, to be rid of this corruption, to get the memories from the book to feel like his own - so why couldn’t he? Why was he so afraid?

He knew why. He was afraid that regaining his memories, that becoming their Pangi - that it would mean the death of this Pangi. The death of himself. A person is the combination of their memories, and if he gets them back - would he even be himself? Would he even still exist? Or would it be another, different Pangi, the one that he was before all this - with him that he is now seizing to be? Or would it be someone else entirely? The combination of the two, one who has the memories of both but isn’t either? Pangi was scared to find out, and even as he heard the others call out to him, he kept spiraling down this pit of fear, unsure if this was actually how he wanted to proceed, his vision getting blurry, breath hastening, until-

Pangi’s vision cleared, focusing entirely on his hand - or rather, the fact that Lukey was holding it, trying to calm him down. This one gesture, this one show of affection almost made him break down on the spot, break the shell he had spent the past four years building - because on Lifesteal, showing emotional vulnerability is more dangerous than anything else, and getting killed is far less impactful than getting betrayed - and now, he almost lost it because of this… of this hamster? 

He knew the past him was close to him - he was told so, he has read so, but he didn’t know just what he could’ve ever seen in Lukey - but apparently it was something he saw again, even if he couldn’t pinpoint it exactly. He knew he shouldn’t let this continue, that he should jerk the hand away, that he should build up more and more walls to make sure he doesn’t seem vulnerable - but he didn’t. He let the hand stay, just looking at it for a second that felt like an eternity, before averting his gaze. He could almost hear Aimsey snicker behind him, and his tail curled a bit in slight embarrassment, but as much as he refused to believe it, this gesture… helped. He was no longer afraid, and it was so stupid that it worked. It shouldn’t have worked. Pangi hated it. 

“Hey, it’s going to be alright. Just one last step, and you will have the memories back, and you’ll be cured- if you still want it.” Pangi hated just how soft Lukey’s voice was, he hated that he was afraid, he hated that he wanted this cure - but bore the risk of losing himself if he were to take it. Everything about this felt wrong, and he didn’t know if it was the corruption within him speaking or if it was his genuine feelings - and he hated this fact, too. This would never have happened on Lifesteal, and it felt like almost being farmed for hearts by Zam was better than this. 

And it hurt. It hurt because of how much Lukey cared about him - but Pangi felt like he cared about the past him, the him that he once knew, not the him that was standing in front of him now. Would he care as much if he never knew a different Pangi, if this was the only version he ever saw? He hoped the answer would’ve been yes, but was scared of a possibility of it being no. He had the jealous urge to say no to the cure, but that didn’t make much sense - that Pangi was still him, and he was still that Pangi. He wanted the memories back, he wanted to be free from corruption - even if it felt wrong to say, even if his entire being craved to run away from the cure, he knew it wasn’t him thinking that. And it felt weird, not being in control of some of his own thoughts.

“Y-yeah, I still want this, I still want the cure. You died for it! It would be weird to back down now, and- and I want those memories to feel like my own. Let’s just- Let’s just get it done with quick, before my mind is changed for me.”

The quick glances Aimsey and Lukey shared was enough evidence for Pangi that they understood what he meant, understood that the corruption was fighting to stay while he wanted it gone. And so they went to work, Pangi feeling a slight disappointment as Lukey let go of his hand, but quickly chasing it away as something to dwell on later, not now. Not like he had that much time to dwell on it now - the cure prototype, hopefully the last one, was done, held in Aimsey’s hand - hurting them, but it wasn’t like they cared - they were beaming with hope and happiness, ready to have their friend back - and as much as Pangi wanted to be upset over it, he wanted to be back too, he wanted to be himself, to have his memories, to know everything that happened to him without having to rely on a stupid book - and it’s not like he would be gone because of this. It would still be him, just… more. 

As Pangi turned around so the vial wouldn’t be dodged, he felt it hit him, shaking him to his entire core. It worked, he knew it worked, as the corruption was fighting against his body to try and stay, to try and persist. But he also knew something else, something he suspected, something that was oh so ironic now considering how much he feared it just seconds ago. And as he was bent in half from the pain piercing his body as the last sentient presence of corruption withered away, leaving only the broken shell behind, devoid of color and life, he couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh, startling Aimsey and Lukey who were here, trying to help him. 

“It worked, it sure worked,” he snarled through the pain that soon gave way to numbness. “But I don’t think that cure was the last step to getting cured.” A weak smile appeared on his face as he straightened up, knowing what had to be done next. This body couldn’t persist, it was barely even a body anymore - and to be cured, to have an ability to live, he had to die first. He needed a new body, and there was only one way to get it. 

“What? What is the last step, then? How- how can we help you?” Lukey’s voice was still as soft even as he was panicking, trying to figure out a way to keep Pangi alive, seeing just how much this cure was hurting him. Aimsey, however… Aimsey’s eye met Pangi’s, and they gave him a slight nod of understanding. 

“Oh, Pangi… Are you sure we have to do it?”

Pangi was sure. He was already putting all his stuff away in the chest, carefully taking off armor and numerous belts full of potions, as well as all the other mess scattered around his inventory, while Lukey was still throwing confused glances between Aimsey and Pangi - he understood what was happening, but refused to acknowledge it. He wanted to save Pangi, and him having to die to be saved… it just felt counter-productive.

“Do what?! What do you guys know that I don’t?! Pangi- Pangi doesn’t have to die, we can find a different way to save him, we-”

“Lukey, this body is gone anyway. The cure can’t magically return that has been destroyed… It has to happen. So…” Pangi turned back to the chest for a second, before taking out a crossbow and a stack of arrows - the same crossbow that once took Lukey’s life, now given to him to take Pangi’s. “Would you like to get your payback? I’d rather it be you than going to the fishtank to drown or dying to a zombie, hah!” 

The look of distress on Lukey’s face deepened, and as he took the crossbow in his hands what felt like unwillingly, he couldn’t help but notice just how much they trembled. “I- You know I never took a life before, I- Do we have to do this? Is there no other way? Can’t we find a way to save you- Can’t we do anything?”

“You’ve already done everything you had to do. Now it’s my turn to do something, and that part is very easy - I just have to die.” Pangi smiled again, putting his hands on top of Lukey’s hands, helping him aim the crossbow straight at his heart. “Just one arrow, it should be enough. I know you can do it, so please - just pull the trigger. Allow me to come back.”

Lukey’s hands still trembled, kept steady only by Pangi’s, but he nodded - he understood it had to be done, even if he hated the fact that he couldn’t save him. No matter how much Pangi would tell him that he did, the loss of even one life was too much. But- It had to be done. He closed his eyes and pulled the trigger - crossbow being so close to Pangi’s body that he could feel the arrow going through, and then another, and another. Pangi was wrong, it took far more than one to kill him, but his hands remained on top of Lukey’s until it was done, and he didn’t even flinch as the barrage of arrows did their thing, only letting go once the last breath escaped his body - before crumbling to dust in Lukey’s hands. And only once he was gone Lukey allowed himself to break down, Aimsey there to comfort him, despite needing comfort themself.

***

When Pangi woke up, he wasn’t back at his spawn point in the lab - but he wasn’t expecting to be there. He half expected to woke up here, in the Null, before the life left his body - after all, he heard that many have found themselves here after a reset, and even if this death wasn’t a reset… it might as well have been. He wouldn’t be able to answer the question of “which” Pangi he was - he had memories of both, he was both, and neither of them were not him at the end of the day - just the one that he was for the past few weeks didn’t have the full picture. Can he really be the old Pangi if he has lived through experiences that the old one hasn’t? If he was a philosopher, he’d try to answer these questions, but thankfully it was easier to just ignore them. And the familiar sound would distract him from those thoughts anyway.

“Hey, Newt… Sorry I didn’t hold onto myself for him for longer. I tried, I really did, but it spreads faster than you think. Maybe if I held on for longer, he wouldn’t have lost that life in the ancient city… Or maybe he would. Won’t stop me from blaming myself.”

The hooded figure took a step - if these slight teleportations that Keepers did could be called steps - closer to Pangi, as if to look in his eyes, but stopped and turned around. 

“You promised him you would protect him… you wouldn’t let him die again… And yet you did.” Newt’s words hurt, but Pangi knew he was right. He broke the promise he made to Lukey - even if he didn’t remember that promise at the time, he still broke it. But before Pangi could even reply, Newt’s words pierced his mind again. “I won’t blame you for that… He was reckless, you almost died too… But at least you got the cure, that’s what matters. Take care of him…” 

Newt moved again, just a couple of meters further, and Pangi moved closer and nodded. “I will. I’ll try to, anyway. Oh, shit! Could you send me back? I just- I just realized just how bad that must have looked in chat, if there’s a whole army on the search to kill him for killing me now, I really need to return before-”

Pangi didn’t even manage to finish the sentence before waking up in the bed he set in the lab right before dying, right next to Aimsey and Lukey, who seemed startled by his sudden appearance minutes after he was supposed to be there. But before he could explain anything, he noticed something clutched in his hand - a piece of amethyst, the same lucky charm he once unwittingly threw away, and a piece of paper. “You lost it once, don’t lose it again.”

And then he was swept away in a hug, free of corruption, free of the nagging desire to spread it, free of the memory loss - and free to cry as he is embraced by the two people closest to him, the two people happy to see that their efforts were not for nothing. Free to finally let himself cry.

[sharffffff]

After returning from the Null, Pangi had to take a long slumber to recover what remained of his sanity and put it all together. What he didn’t expect to find out after waking up a couple of days later was the fact that his faction, green faction, had somehow gained a new member, but also that said member had somehow already lost a life. Well, that second part was more expected than not - Pangi had come to learn that new otherworlders are usually very squishy and quick to die, but the circumstances of his death were still of interest to him.

That new member, Lukey, was somewhat of an interesting case. Pangi felt weird around him, and he wasn’t sure exactly why - something felt different, slightly wrong about his essence, but he couldn’t put his mind to what exactly. Pangi blamed the corruption spreading throughout his left arm for this disturbance - after all, he did gain the ability to feel people’s essence after the prolonged contact with corruption back in his labs, and maybe its physical manifestation was messing with his perception of things - but then again, everyone else’s essence still felt the same. 

But even if Lukey was somehow different from other realmers, did it really matter? Not in Pangi’s eyes, for he was just excited for more members to join the Honey Badgers, although the place quickly started feeling overcrowded as more and more people started joining. For now, he wasn’t too attached - he was still afraid of attachment after everything that happened with Pili, and with the new realmers usually going M.I.A. after a couple of days on the server, he couldn’t allow himself to believe that Lukey would stay around for long. So few others did, after all. 

But there was something so enticing about Lukey as well, something that lured Pangi closer despite the risk, despite the care he put into not getting attached. It might have been the desire to learn what made him different, or the wish to defend him from danger, or just the want to bond with the newest realmer, the newest green member - but he got close. Too close for comfort. Close enough to get attached. 

So when the Kingdom suddenly took interest in him, when he died again, this time to Sneeg, when Pili tried killing him over and over again, when that same damned cat started getting close to him, when Ros told Pangi to be wary of him, when he learned that it was her who killed him on the first day? He felt the rage riling up within him, he felt the desire to retaliate, to defend, to do whatever he had to to make sure Lukey was going to be safe. 

And when Lukey asked him if he should reset, if his levels were worth it - Pangi answered it honestly. It would be strategically better to reset, to die a third time, but it’s a coward’s way out - and Pangi has lost too many friends already. He wanted Lukey to stay alive, he promised Lukey that he would keep him alive no matter what if he decided to stay. And in return, Lukey promised him something nobody else has promised him before - while so many have told him they would die for him, Lukey said that he would live for him. He kept his last life to not hurt him, to show him that he isn’t like the others, to care about him - something awoke in Pangi, something that he thought he lost long ago. And he grabbed onto that feeling and didn’t let go. 

So when Pili, Pili of all people, asked Lukey out for the ball, that feeling took over everything, letting him succumb to revenge, turning his eyes just one shade more purple than they were before - barely noticeable, but that rage was powered by corruption spreading throughout his body. He wasn’t going to lose Lukey, he wasn’t going to let Lukey go through the same issues he went through, he wouldn’t let that cat ruin him. He had to protect him, he had to make sure he knew what he was getting into, he had to-

He didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to at all. His hands instinctively grabbed the handle of the crossbow when he was talking to Lukey, rage consuming his vision, and the trigger slipped - piercing straight through Lukey’s throat, not giving him, nor Pangi, a chance to react, to save him, to do anything. He- he killed the one person he was supposed to protect. The one person who was willing to survive for him for his own detriment. How could he? How could he have done that? And he knew Lukey would never forgive him. Who would ever forgive a sin as great as this? A sin as great as killing the person who kept their life just for you? He would understand if Lukey left, if he left him, if he left green, all because of this mistake, all because of this rage, all because of him, of Pangi. He hated this, and he hated himself. 

And then Lukey came back. And he didn’t hate him. And he didn’t despise him for his death. And he only held it against him a little bit - but all in a joking manner, all with a sparkle in his eyes and a smile in the corner of his mouth. And Pangi broke a little bit, not knowing what he did to deserve this, to deserve him, to deserve forgiveness. How could have his actions been forgiven that easily? How could Lukey stay by his side, despite what he has done? How could he not leave him when everyone else he ever held close did? 

Maybe his last vow of protection didn’t hold, maybe he broke it himself, but this time, this time it would be different. He would give his life for Lukey’s if he had to, he would fight his battles as if they were his own - because they would become his own. And he would kill for him. Do the one thing he can do best, bring death to those who have to die to ensure Lukey’s safety. And that was a promise. There was an exception - or at least, Pangi thought there was. Ros was a friend, one he was not killing to put in the way of his rampage, one who he trusted to always be honest with him. And so long as she remained honest, she was safe. 

And Lukey? Lukey did something Pangi did not expect. He revealed a secret, unprompted, as an exercise of trust - and Pangi knew just how important secrets were for the person carrying them. He never expected anyone to tell him their secrets, he respected their privacy and wouldn’t ever push, so this exercise of trust - it mattered so much to him. Yes, Lukey didn’t tell him everything - but he also told him he wouldn’t. He was honest, he revealed that when he came back, he came back in the Null, and Pangi could feel its essence lingering over him. And he could finally understand what the other strangeness of his essence was - but it was a secret not yet shared with him, and he wasn’t going to pressure Lukey into sharing it. It was not his secret to learn, after all. 

But even knowing what it was, even knowing what he knew, Pangi didn’t care. What would it matter if Lukey is from the Null? What would it matter if he is a Keeper? He forgave Pangi when he didn’t deserve forgiveness, he stayed at his back when he needed it most, and his actions mattered much more than who he was. That, that Pangi knew for certain. 

Somehow, each time he goes to slumber, something seems to happen to Lukey. This time was no different, with him almost being killed by yellow, by Sneegsnag, by Ros. He was told it first by Ros, and her story downplayed a few things here and there, and it hurt him. Not just the fact that she would tell Sneeg to kill the one person he cared about the most in this realm, but the fact that she would lie to him. And when Lukey told him what really happened, and when Ros confirmed that what Lukey said was the full truth, while her previous story contained some lies… Pangi was disappointed. The one thing he couldn’t stand, the one thing they promised to each other they wouldn’t do - Ros did it. She lied to him, and only confessed to her lie when presented with the truth. And it hurt, oh, it hurt so much. And Pangi didn’t know what to do now. He didn’t know if he could ever trust her again. 

And so he decided to trust the only other person he could. He showed Lukey the room that mattered the most for the upcoming war, the room that housed the weapon that would help them win it - this could compromise their entire future, but he trusted Lukey, not just with his life, but with lives of everyone on the green, with their potential victory. And he knew this trust was not misplaced. 

He had to know one thing, though. Just one thing. And so he went to Ros again, to ask why. Why would she do this, why would she try to kill Lukey again after the Kingdom has already been a cause of two of his deaths. And her answer didn’t make sense to Pangi. She heard him in the Null, but he was in the Null too, for as long as she has, and he didn’t care about the fact Lukey was from there - although he didn’t pay much attention to the very fact that he knew that, for that was a secret yet not shared with him, and so he would respect its secrecy. 

But the other point? It just confused him. Ros told him that there is something Lukey wasn’t telling them, and that was not something he would ever be concerned with. Pangi was even told by Lukey that he can’t say everything - and Pangi understood that, and didn’t pry further. And so he answered with the fact that all of them aren’t telling everything to each other, that all of them have secrets - and Ros didn’t appreciate that answer. Pangi knew that this was it. There was no way to mend this, and what would come tomorrow would most certainly result in war. 

And so the only thing he could do was prepare for bloodshed. Prepare himself, and prepare Lukey. After all, he had to make sure Lukey would survive to see the sunset, and be there to mend his wounds when he came back. He was the only one Pangi could trust with that, after everything that’s happened. The only one who he could trust at all.

[sharffffff]

The first thing Lukey felt upon leaving the memory, upon hearing the crimson door close behind him was deep, all-absorbing fear, getting paralyzed by it like a deer in the headlights. He saw Pangi - and he knew, he knew Pangi saw him close that door behind him, but he also knew that Pangi would find nothing behind it. He looked like he was crazy, and he had no idea how to explain it - he still wasn’t sure if these memories were purely mental or in some part physical. Pangi could see the door, he opened it to see nothing but stone beyond it, but Lukey was also certain these visions were memories - and as such, how could they leave any physical evidence behind, even if it were to disappear right after? It didn’t make any sense, it was driving Lukey insane - or maybe he already was. It made him panic, it made him stutter, it made him unable to move - and he didn’t know how to explain any of this to Pangi, and he thought that if he told Pangi the whole truth of what he knows, Pangi would hate him for what he is, for what he was. 

As he was standing there, paralyzed, unable to move, unable to answer Pangi’s attempts to reach out, the whole world grew darker and darker around him. The fear was engulfing him like a wave, splashing into his eyes and nose, making it hard to breathe, hard to see anything except his own hands, unable to hear Pangi’s futile attempts to get through to him. He knew this was it. He knew he would lose everything. He knew he would no longer have anyone to rely on, because he had to tell the truth - and who would ever trust a Keeper? Who would ever love someone fundamentally unlovable? This fear dragged him down deeper and deeper, his breathing sharpened, barely able to get enough air to not pass out - but the paralyzing terror was maybe enough to make him faint regardless.

And then Pangi took his hands in his. Darkness subsided, the veil of fear covering his hands had lifted, and as Lukey looked into these blue eyes, he knew he was safe - despite his fears, his instincts yelling at him to get out, confident that he wouldn’t handle the truth well. Lukey both wanted to trust his gut - but also to trust in Pangi. And with Pangi being so close, grounding him, bringing him back to his senses, holding his hands so tenderly, the trust in Pangi overwhelmed any lingering fear. Maybe he was a fool for this, but he was willing to be a fool this one time. Everyone already thought him one, anyway.

And so Lukey talked. He told Pangi everything he asked about, he felt like he was telling too much, he felt like he was signing his own death sentence - and yet he talked, he poured his soul out, he showed Pangi the pieces of paper he got after reliving his memories - and Pangi listened, his gaze still soft, ears perked up in curiosity, with not a sign of malice, of hatred, of anything that Lukey feared would be in them. Instead, there was a bit of recognition, as well as genuine interest in what Lukey was telling him - and that’s what worried him, what made this so strange, the complete opposite to the reaction he was expecting. 

And when Pangi suggested that Lukey was from the Null, when he suggested he was a Keeper, Lukey shuddered. He thought this was it, this was the accusation before everything falls through - but it didn’t. The fact that it didn’t change Pangi’s perception of him in any way… Lukey didn’t know what to think. He was thankful, he was hopeful, but this all felt too good to be true. This all felt like it was just a dream, and he was about to wake up to the nightmare of reality. But this awakening never came, this dream stayed, and as Pangi once again took Lukey’s hand in his, Lukey’s heart melted away. What did he do to deserve him? What did he do for him to choose him, to trust him, to stay with him no matter what, no matter who he was? It felt unthinkable, it felt impossible, and yet Lukey was falling for him harder than ever before. 

Pangi didn’t see him any different. He didn’t care about his past, for he also had a past of his own he wasn’t proud of. That meant so much to Lukey, he couldn’t describe it in words. He didn’t expect this level of trust, this level of acceptance, from the world that seemed to hate him, seemed to take enjoyment in making fun of him, of bringing him misery. And Pangi was the one ray of sun to shine through all the clouds, to bring him hope, to make him believe in the good in the world… and Lukey knew he couldn’t let him go. He couldn’t allow himself to lose him. He was given the ultimate trust, the ultimate loyalty, and the least he could do is give back the same.

He must have trembled again, for Pangi’s grasp on his hands tightened, as if to calm him down, and his bright blue eyes looked straight into Lukey’s brown ones with a concerned expression. He pulled him down, while reaching up himself, and landed a small kiss on Lukey’s forehead - melting his heart in a second. All fears, all concerns, anything that could bother Lukey got swept away in an instant, and he was willing to follow Pangi’s every word - even if it meant actually taking care of himself and going to sleep, for once. 

And for once, he slept with no dreams, no nightmares. The constant, looming presence that haunted his nights went away, as if it was never here, and when Lukey woke up, for the first time in eternity, after a full night of sleep, he found Pangi curled up alongside him, like a cat - and it was the first time Lukey ever seen him sleep. He put so much trust in him, his breathing so steady, his presence so calm, and Lukey couldn’t even try to hide his smile, couldn’t contain the warmth spreading across his chest. He couldn’t dare wake Pangi up, and he knew that any movement could startle him awake - and so he stayed there, right next to him, cuddled up for at least several hours more. And Lukey couldn’t say that he didn’t enjoy spending these hours next to him. He still didn’t know what he did to deserve this, but at this point it didn’t really matter. As long as Pangi had his trust in him, he would do anything to prove that he deserved it, no matter what.

[sharffffff]

Ugh. The past 24 hours were less than pleasant, and the conversation with one of the Keepers in the last twenty minutes in that place didn’t make the experience any better - in some way, it made it worse. Now Lukey knew the place to put to the name he heard so many times, was accused of being from so many times - and that made the situation worse. Not with Ros, no - well, with Ros too, if she was ever to find out that he went to the Null after the reset, or that this apparently wasn’t his first time there… that didn’t matter, though. Lukey didn’t care about what Ros would think in this moment - no, he cared for someone much closer. 

He wasn’t stupid. He saw the three bedrolls in the dark corridors of the Null, he heard people talking about the three of them being stuck there for ages, and he knew how Ros reacted to the mere chance of her hearing his voice in that place - his chest still bore the scars to remind him of the spear that pierced him on his first day in this Realm. And with the Keeper saying that it was his fifth time there… even if Lukey didn’t remember it, it confirmed he was there before. It confirmed Ros didn’t lie, it confirmed that he was there before. And that was what frightened Lukey beyond anything else. What would Pangi think?

As Lukey paced around the room, this was the only thing he could think of. Before Pangi didn’t have any reason to believe Ros about the fact that Lukey was from the Null, Lukey declined it, after all, and he believed so himself - but now he had different information, conflicting information, and he knew how much Pangi despised liars, and he knew that Pangi was stuck in the Null for decades, and he knew how Ros reacted to just the possibility of him being from that place - so how would Pangi react? He knows where Lukey is, he knows where Lukey respawns, he can reset him over and over and over again…

And Lukey would take it. It wouldn’t be the axe that hurts the most, it would be the fact that Pangi would hate him for something he can’t control. He hoped it wouldn’t happen, but he feared it would. Pangi was traumatized by that place, after all, and Lukey wouldn’t hold it against him if he found out that he lied, even if it was unknowingly, and started to despise him for that, and for being from the place he was stuck in for so long. He didn’t want Pangi to hate him, but he couldn’t keep this from him. Not even if he wanted to, but he didn’t want to - he wanted to be honest with Pangi, he wanted to tell him at least something, he wanted to show his loyalty, to show his honesty, to ask for forgiveness - even if he was supposed to be the one to do the forgiving, even if it was Pangi’s fault he was even reset in the first place - but he couldn’t hate Pangi. And he hoped, he hoped oh so much, that Pangi wouldn’t hate him.

Lukey didn’t know if he could survive without Pangi, and not in a way that he needed Pangi’s protection - no, he needed Pangi like lungs needed air, and the very thought of him hating Lukey, of him leaving Lukey behind, refusing to acknowledge his existence - it felt ruinous to him. Pangi killing him over and over again would be better, it would be so much better than just silent hatred, than leaving him behind, than ignoring and avoiding him as much as possible - and seeing Ros’s reaction to Lukey, he was afraid that that would be the fate he would get from Pangi as well. And it destroyed him. He didn’t want to believe it, he hoped for the better, but the fear consumed him, the dread spread throughout his body, and he felt frozen in place as he looked upon the white walls of the lab, perhaps for the last time on this realm. He expected to get exiled, get kicked out of Pangi’s sacred place, forbidden to ever step foot in here. This could be the very last time he sets his sight on this place, and he dreaded the moment when Pangi would appear. 

With a sigh, Lukey turned around, ready to go back to the office he had only recently finished, ready to pack up what little stuff he had to be prepared to get out, only to see Pangi standing closely behind, looking at him with interest, eyes sparkling with a slight purple in the corners of the bright sky blue. Lukey jumped in surprise, stumbling back and into the wall, afraid of what was to follow. He was certain that Pangi could feel the Null’s essence of him, and he was prepared to face his fate, to forever lose him - but nothing happened. There was no axe in Pangi’s hands, there was no anger in his eyes, only the relief and hope and excitement to see him back. But… why? Why did he not react? Why did he not care? Lukey was relieved, of course, but he was also apprehensive. Was this a trick? Was this an attempted to lure him into false sense of security? Because if it was, it was really cruel. And it was working. 

But he couldn’t help but notice just how much lighter Pangi became when he realized that Lukey was back, and remembered him, and was fine. His face held a constant smile, his eyes sparkled with joy, and his tail wagged under the robes. Pangi clinged onto Lukey’s arms much more than before, and almost refused to let him go, as if afraid to lose him, and it confused Lukey even more. Did he not sense the air of the Null on him? Lukey didn’t want to cling onto false hope, he didn’t want to lull himself into thinking he was safe, and even getting the apology and welcome back gift from Pangi felt wrong. Lukey not saying anything ate at him from within, as if he was lying by keeping silent - and he couldn’t bare lying to Pangi. He had to speak up. 

“Where were you for the last 24 hours? What was it like?” This question from Pangi hit Lukey like a truck. Oh. Pangi knew. He asked because he wanted to see if he would lie. Of course this was all a test. He was going to lose him no matter what, wasn’t he? He was stupid for holding onto hope. 

“Oh! Oh… You may be familiar…” Lukey didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to confirm his worst fears would come to pass. But he couldn’t lie to Pangi. He hated this. He hated all of this.

“Oh, was it the Null?” Pangi tilted his head slightly, like he always does, with a spark of interest and recognition going through his eyes, and it scared Lukey even more than before. Yes, Pangi would do it in casual conversations - but he would also do it when measuring up a target before the hunt, and Lukey was afraid that in this situation it meant the latter. He could already see his jaws snapping around his neck, ending his life once again, ending yet another hunt, ending this relationship, ending Lukey’s hope - but he had to answer. He couldn’t lie, so all that remained was telling the truth. 

“It was.” Lukey closed his eyes, ready for the strike, but it never came. After a couple of far too long moments he opened them once more, only to notice the barely visible nod that Pangi made after getting that confirmation, and a slight wag of his tail. He was… glad? Was he happy to know his suspicions were confirmed? Why did he not strike? Why was there no fear in his eyes? Why was there no resentment? Lukey didn’t understand. This didn’t make sense. None of this made any sense. 

“So, how was the Null? Was it your first time there?” And there it was. Again. This was the question that would be followed by the resentment, wasn’t it? Pangi just needed to know for sure that it wasn’t his first time there before he could strike, and Lukey was about to give him this opportunity on a silver platter.

“You know what? I’m going to say it once, and I’m not going to repeat this again. I’m not certain, Pangi.” Lukey didn’t lie. He wasn’t certain. He could only remember being there once, this time, after the reset, before being brought back. But… if the conversation with the Keeper was to be believed, he has been there before, and more than once. And he wasn’t certain if he could believe him - but something within him told him it wasn’t a lie. 

 “What do you mean? You’re not certain it was your first time there?” Pangi tilted his head again, this time in genuine confusion. Lukey could tell that Pangi knew this wasn’t a lie, but he also couldn’t understand how it wasn’t a lie, and that clearly excited the pangolin. Lukey, though? Lukey just feared for what it would mean for their future.

“No, I’m not.” 

“What… makes you not certain?” As Lukey was preparing to answer, he flinched, as Pangi’s hand that he forgot was even holding his shoulder suddenly pulled him alongside him, into the office, where Pangi pointed towards the seats. This was the end, wasn’t it? Lukey tried acting calm, but he knew that hell would follow, and he knew he couldn’t tell everything, but he also couldn’t lie, and he was afraid that this was the end of everything. 

“So… why are you uncertain?” Pangi’s blue gaze pierced straight through Lukey, and he knew that his time has come. He hated that it had come to this, he hated the fact that Pangi was going to despise him for trying to keep secrets from him, he hated that he was going to be left alone, yet again, undeserving of love. 

“...That’s all that you need to know.” Lukey knew this was it. The long pause, followed by unsatisfying answer? He didn’t know why he wasn’t dead already, but he was still alive, and when he looked up, he could see smile back on Pangi’s face, could hear his tail trying to wag despite him sitting. Why… what? He didn’t understand.

“Oh! Staying mysterious around here, okay!” Pangi replied with a mischievous smile and instantly shifted the conversation in other direction. He didn’t try to pry, he didn’t try to get the secret out of Lukey - he just accepted it and moved on. He didn’t hate him for who he was, and because of that, Lukey was left confused. How? How was he okay with this? He was in the Null so long his entire being was corrupted? How would he be okay near someone who has been in the Null more than once, by his own self admittance, and refused to share the full knowledge of just how many times he had been there? 

Lukey didn’t know how he deserved to be loved, when the world before has only shown him hatred and resentment and fear. But what he did know is this - he would fight for this love no matter what. He wouldn’t love unconditionally, he knew the problems that could lead with it, but as long as there was mutual respect and trust - he would do anything in his power to prove to be worthy of Pangi’s love, and would do the same in return. Because that’s what love is about.

[sharffffff]

“Pangi! What are we even going to do about this?!” Lab, usually pretty quiet outside of the constant noise of bubbling potions, was suddenly overwhelmed by noise, with Lukey and Pangi once again engaging in shouting matches with each other. One thing that stood out, however, was a small, vaguely draconic, but definitely humanoid creature sitting in a puddle of spilled potions that looked between both of them with unquenchable curiosity. 

“I don't see how it's our problem, personally.” Pangi’s tail flicked in irritation, and he looked at the creature with a mix of boredom and annoyance. This comment, however, made Lukey let out a sigh that sounded exasperated and almost offended.

“You don't see how it's our problem?! It appeared out of end crystals you left lying around, and it's a child! We can't just leave it here!”

“I don't see what my pipe bombs have to do with anything! It was your potion spill that caused it to appear, and you not cleaning out the potions is your problem, honestly!”

“Me not cleaning out the potions? Me?! The only thing I do is clean this lab! Its chests are a mess, nothing is organised, every hopper is full - and I always clean after myself! One spill, one spill, and you instantly blame me! And what do you mean your pipe bombs have nothing to do with it?! End crystals can literally summon the dragon! Of course life came out of them, not out of potions - they're gone, and the spill is still there!” 

Despite being busy arguing with Pangi, Lukey had time to get a spare lab coat - seeing as Pangi wasn't going to do anything about the toddler sitting in the pool of potions, he had to do something. As such, he picked it up with the clean coat, dried it out a bit, and looked it over. It had scales covering most of its body, white with black spotting, and occasional purple spines that worried Lukey - but maybe they were not linked to the corruption. Hopefully they weren't. It- they? had cloven hooves on their feet, just like him, and definitely a pangolin tail, and that was just… confusing. Draconic parts made sense considering the end crystal. But the deer? The pangolin? It just defied any logic, and the longer Lukey thought about it, the less he wanted to. Nope. It was just a coincidence. Maybe all dragons have cloven hooves and blue eyes. And no wings. He wasn't here to fight the first one, he wouldn't know - and he could lie to himself about it freely. 

After the quick look over, Lukey wrapped the child in the lab coat - it wasn't the best blanket, but the only option they had in the lab, and Lukey wasn't going to let the kid sit on the cold quartz floor.

“Ohhh, so you would blame my end crystals, that never sprouted life before, I must add, but not the fact that you spilled health boost, instant health and regen potions all over them? Why did you even brew regen? It's useless in fights!” Pangi paused, almost ready to argue again, but then, seeing Lukey hold the child, suddenly tilted his head to the side, eyes widening slightly. “...It has cloven hooves. Why does it have hooves?”

“It also has blue eyes, tail identical to yours and similar scale pattern. As to why… How should I know? It's your end crystals that did it!”

“No, it's your potions that did it, actually!.. Hm. I think we might have to keep it. It wouldn't survive the night if it's anything like you.”

“Excuse you?! What do you mean if it's anything like me? I can survive just good enough I’ll let you know! Unless someone is aiming their gun at me! Maybe we just shouldn't let you near it and it will be fine!”

“That was an accident and you know it! And you almost died to a baby zombie and then died to a skeleton once BBH saves you! And you would teach it horrible habits like never wearing a helmet, either!”

“Well maybe if you were here instead of talking to Ros of all people, I wouldn't have died! And I wear the helmet consistently now, you can't hold that one against me anymore, thank you very much.”

“Fine, fine, I love you, man.” Pangi sighed and rubbed his temples. It seemed like they were keeping the child - and it seemed to be enjoying whatever was going on, for some unknown reason. Maybe it just liked being held. “So, do you have any idea what to feed it?”

@azure-bluet you caused this /j tehe hi have these two being absolutely terrible parents

[sharffffff]

It had been two days now since the peace talks - and although the plan didn’t go through flawlessly, it went about as well as Pangi and Bad had intended, with a casualty to one of the people closest to the Chancellor, as well as the escalation in this war - so it all happened good enough. But for now Pangi had to lay low, knowing that the entire Jedi Order would love to take off his head, and be authorized to do so with extreme prejudice. Some could probably try talking to him first, like Ros, but he wouldn’t bet any credits on that - the stir he caused was of an unprecedented scale, driving the rift between the Republic and the Separatists even further than it was before, and he knew Ros would be a fool to try and express any kind of sympathy for him, even if she actually felt it - too big of a risk to her position in the Order, no doubt.

And to think that the damned cat caused all of that. Where did he even find Zam? His vod, his brother, one he had not seen since the day Zam chose to become dar’manda - there, during the peace talks, next to the shell that once was his burc’ya, the one that looked like him, talked like him, but was nothing like he once was. Every time he looked at that creature - who he couldn’t ever call by the name he once bore - he flinched, overcome with anger, and seeing Zam next to him just broke something inside him. It was part of the plan, yes, but presence of the one he once considered brother had only accelerated that plan into action. And this time, he made sure the thing walking around in Pili’s body was dead, with no chances to come back - at least, he hoped. Only thing he could do is hope. 

But for now, Pangi had to lay low, while the galaxy was lit on fire by the actions he took. It’s funny - Bad was a dar’jetii (although he kept telling Pangi that he never was a Jedi, he really didn’t care - all Force users were jetii to him in one shape or form) - but somehow, Pangi ended up on top of the Jedi Order’s bounty list. He took it as something to be proud of, really - if the assholes in the Order think of him as such a big threat, it just meant that he made Mando’ade proud. It did, however, mean that his current choice of a place to stay was incredibly stupid - he was once again in the same bar where he celebrated every successful hunt, even back when he was still hunting alongside his clan instead of getting involved in this war. Anyone who knew even a little bit about him would know to check his place - so he was lucky that none of the Order really knew anything about him at all.

The shift in the air. Pangi felt it instantly, his eyes darting towards the bar entrance while his body remained still to not give away that he noticed the person walking in - he had to keep it cool, he had to not giveaway his position, his alertness, not make anyone too suspicious of him. Regulars wouldn’t sell him out, he knew that, he made sure of that long ago, but anyone who wasn’t a regular was a risk, and any new face in the bar could be a potential danger. This one, though… This one wasn’t.

“Su cuy’gar, Zam. I see you’re not dead yet- well, if you can call being dar’manda  being alive.” The poison stained his words, even all these years later, but beyond the poison it was obvious just how much he was hurting. He never stopped thinking about that day, about losing his vod, about everything they had between them thrown out just like that, on a whim of a traitor who he once thought to be his closest friend. And for him to show up here, now, in a space he knew was Pangi’s safe space? It felt like yet another betrayal, worse than him appearing during the peace talks on the side of the Republic, and Pangi didn’t even try to hide his anger.

“Hello to you too, Pangi, and I’m living my life quite well, just for the record.” Nautolan’s voice was a bit shaky, and as Zam fidgeted with a stray tendril, trying to find what to say, Pangi could see the holster on his side more clearly - and it didn’t help quell his anger in the slightest.

“New toy, I see? The Order must have been so happy to nab a Mando’ad for themselves, they don’t give those out to anyo-” Pangi stopped himself mid sentence, every bit of sarcasm evaporating from his voice as soon as he had more time to look at the lightsaber’s hilt. He knew what saber it was, he knew who it belonged to - and he hasn’t seen it in so long. It made complete sense, of course - after Master Pierce was done with the duel, the Order took the body away before anyone could even approach it, and Pili’s saber was most likely still with him even then, but… Pangi never seen the thing that posed to be Pili with that saber, he never had a holster, and so Pangi assumed it was lost… Guess it wasn’t. “Was it… was it on his body?” 

His voice sounded broken, his mouth was dry and he could barely breathe, vision focused on the one thing from Pili that he thought was lost forever - now in the hands of his former vod, like a cruel mockery of everything that had happened. The universe was working against him, at least it felt like that. 

“Yes, he gave it to me before- But why does it even matter? Why would you care? You killed him! Right in front of me! Why do you get to be mad at me when I should be mad at you? Do you have any idea what you have even done, that you subjected this galaxy into even longer period of chaos when we could’ve had peace?” Zam’s large black eyes were filled with confusion and anger, his tendrils’ tips were vibrating with emotion, and Pangi didn’t really get why. Maybe Zam changed too much since he last saw him, maybe dar’manda life made him softer - or maybe this is just what happens when a Mandalorian loses his soul. Pangi couldn’t know for sure, but what he did know was that he wouldn’t apologize for his actions. What he did had to be done, what he did was part of the plan that was finally set into motion.

“If you’re waiting for me to say sorry, you will have to forget about it - I have nothing to apologize for. If anything, I did you and this entire galaxy a favor, ridding it of that thing. He probably only brought you along because he knew what you meant to me. Once. And if you have nothing else to say to me except throw out actions I do for the sake of the cause, I’ll be on my way. Have to make sure my squad is all good, you know? Even dar’manda know what loyalty is.” Pangi began to stand up, as ready to escape this conversation as ever, when Zam put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

“You’ve changed, man. And I don’t get it! You hate me for being Force sensitive, and yet you surround yourself with people with far stronger Force connection than me! I’ve seen how you look at Lukey, I hear how you talk about Pili - and yet you abandoned me the moment you found out - the day I found out I was Force sensitive? Why? Why am I the only one you hate for this?”

Pangi’s head turned to Zam with almost a snap, blind fiery rage flaming in his eyes. Is that what Zam thought Pangi hated him for? Is that what he thought ruined their relationship? Did he really think that Pangi was that shallow?

“This only shows that you never truly known me at all. I never hated you for your Force sensitivity - I would’ve defended you from the clans or even Mand’alor himself if I had to! Who cares about you having that damned magic? You betrayed us! You betrayed me! You came to me telling me that you were leaving, that you had already made up your mind, asking me to leave with you - you decided to become dar’manda before even giving me a chance to help you! To reassure you it was okay! You decided to cut off your soul, and in doing so, you cut off me! This was your doing, not mine! And if anyone has changed, it’s you. You were once ner vod, but now? Haar’chak! Now you’re nothing more than a traitor. We’re done here. You just showed that you’ve never known me at all.”

Without a second for Zam to collect himself, Pangi grabbed his helmet off the counter, stood up and stormed out of the bar. His vision was clouded with anger, and he felt as hurt as he was the day Zam first told him about him abandoning the clan. He didn’t get it back then, and he didn’t get it now. And to think that all this time Zam thought that Pangi hated him for something he was born with, instead of for what he decided to do… He just didn’t get it. He knew Zam was smart, so how could have he been so oblivious to it all these years? Sometimes people just see what they want to see, to absolve themselves from all the consequences. Pangi knew he was guilty of it too, but he also admitted when his actions were wrong - they just had to be done. 

Everything was going according to plan. That’s what Pangi kept telling himself as he raced his speeder towards the hangar where his ship was anchored. Everything was going just like it had to. Everything would be justified in the end. They just had to reach this end, they just had to fuel this war, they just had… they just had to survive until it’s over. Pangi was just afraid he didn’t have that much more time, that he wouldn’t be able to see it through. That he wouldn’t be able to say this was all worth it.

[sharffffff]

This is me if you even care :3