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Dec 25, 2014

P.S. I Love You

to: shirley (sharl0t)

from: claire (@cjoycoolio)

The winter drawled on with snow falling from the sky outside the window, the soft gentle Christmas music playing on the radio, the fireplace glowing and the small beautifully lit Christmas tree in the corner room, creating a scene and atmosphere that the two boys sitting on the couch will always cherish and remember. The simplicity of the moment of him cuddled on the couch next to his lover made Youichi wonder how he got there. How he got the once cold hearted boy name Miyuki Kazuya to love him? How did he ever get so lucky?

It wasn’t easy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

18 months ago.

The Seidou third years have just graduated. Youichi lets out his signature laugh at his roommate who was literally bawling his eyes out.

"Sawamura just because I graduated doesn’t mean you can cry. Stop crying" Kuramochi says with a roll of his eyes before smacking Eijun’s head.

"B-but" Eijun stutters out.

"But nothing. Stop being a baby" Kuramochi shouts.

Suddenly an arm finds its way to both the boy’s shoulders. Both boys blush at the contact. One from embarrassment and one because the person who the arm belongs to is their crush.

"Oi. Stop making so much noise, idiots" Kazuya says with a smirk.

Eijun pulls away from Kazuya. “D-don’t do that so suddenly, you bastard!” he shouts at him.

Youichi’s cheeks still flush pink but he shakes it off with his signature laugh. “Oi Sawamura here, is the one making all the noise not me” he states, his body not moving away from his crush.

Kazuya chuckles. ” I beg to differ. You were also shouting, Youichi” he says in a matter of fact tone.

"S-sempai" a voice calls out from behind them. The three boys turn to find Haruichi with his cheeks flushing red. "C-congratulations Kuramochi-sempai. Congratulations Miyuki-sempai"

"Thanks Haruichi" Kazuya says with a grin.

"Yeah thanks” Youichi replies happily.

Haruichi smiles.

The the two seniors smile back. Youichi then turns to face Kazuya but forgets how close their bodies are so when he turns to face him their noses touch.

Kazuya smirks. “Yes?”

Youichi tries to hide his blush as he steps out of the embrace. “Oi you’re too close” he says.

Kazuya laughs. ”You didn’t seem to mind earlier?”

Youichi scoffs. “Oh whatever”. His eyes then turn serious. “So have you decided where you’re going after here?” he asks.

"America" Kazuya says with a bright smile.

"You’re what?!" Youichi says in astonishment

"WHAT?!" Eijun shouts.

"EHHHH?!" Haruichi says.

Kazuya’s smile falters a bit. “Right…I forgot to mention it to you all huh? I’ve got a scholarship”

Youichi becomes speechless.

"But…for how long?" Eijun asks.

"Don’t know. Depends on how I like it there" Kazuya says.

"But you don’t even know how to speak English" Youichi says.

Kazuya scoffs. “Hello my name is Kazuya. How are you?” he says in English with of course a Japanese accent. He then smirks. “I took classes when I was little but since no one here speaks English I never had to use it” he states.

The two second years look at him in sadness. Youichi, however, looks at him in anger. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

Kazuya sighs. “Well maybe because I knew you guys wouldn’t approve.”

“Well no shit, Kazuya. You’ll be over 1000 miles away from us.”

“What’s the difference? We’re no longer teammates guys” Kazuya states bluntly.

“B-but we’re still your friends…” Eijun stutters out, not even looking up from looking at the ground.

“When were we ever friends? You hated me” Kazuya says with a roll of his eyes..

Youichi immediately looks hurt. “What the fuck, Kazuya? Do you honestly believe that we’re not friends. After all the things we’ve been through together?”

“I was your captain and teammate. That’s all I ever was to you all. And yes I was your classmate Youichi but that’s it. That’s all it’s ever been. I don’t understand why you guys care so much”.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Youichi states angrily as he grabs Kazuya’s collar.

“Do you seriously believe that we don’t give a fuck about you? Do you seriously believe that I, the person who has always been at your side, who has always followed you and made sure you did your job right, doesn’t give fuck about you?”

Eyes widening in shock, Kazuya is stricken speechless.

Eijun and Haruichi look at each other before looking back at the third years. What were they suppose to do now?

Youichi continues to hold Kazuya’s collar and glare at him. “I fucking care about you, Kazuya. So you can’t just fucking leave us. You can’t just leave me and think that we don’t give a shit. Don’t you get it? I fucking care about you. You, the fucking asshole. The person that makes me want to become a better person. The person that I fucking look up to. The person that I..” He let’s go of Kazuya’s collar and looks to the ground. “love” he mutters.

Kazuya couldn’t believe his ears. He thinks he is just hearing things but still he has to make sure he isn’t. “Excuse me? What did you just say?” Kazuya says in shock.

Youichi, tears welling up in his eyes, looks back up at Kazuya. “I said the person that I love. I fucking love you. Even with your snarkiness and bad attitude. I still fucking love you”.

“well this is awkward…” Eijun mutters to Haruichi who is blushing pink.

“We should go, Eijun-kun” Haruichi mutters back as he pulls on Eijun’s sleeve.

“Yeah. we’re just gonna..leave you two alone now…bye” Eijun says before he and Haruichi leave the two be.

Kazuya is still looking at Youichi with this expression of shock. He still doesn’t know how to respond.

Youichi wipes at his eyes and looks at Kazuya with this determined stare. “I’m not asking you to love me back. I know you don’t feel the same. I can live with that, but please for the love of all things living, don’t you fucking dare say I don’t give a shit”.

Kazuya and Youichi then stare at each other, not knowing what else to say, but then Kazuya breaks the gaze and sighs.

“This doesn’t change the fact that I’m still leaving for America” he states bluntly as he looks back at him.

Youichi feels his heart breaking but he knows his words are true. Kazuya is going to leave him.

He feigns a smile but Kazuya could tell he is faking it. “Well..don’t forget me then..just promise me that..”

Kazuya only nods his head. He felt bad. He had no idea Youichi loved him. No fucking clue. How was he supposed to know when Youichi never even gave him a hint? He only felt bad because he knew he didn’t feel the same.

Youichi continues to feign a smile. “Don’t be distant with me. I’m your friend, Kazuya. So if you need me. I’ll be there. Like I always have been and always will be. I..I hope you have a good time at America” he says but what he really meant to say is “I’ll miss you”.

“I..I…Thanks” Kazuya stutters out as he sheepishly rubs the back of his head.

Youichi gives another strained smile. “Hey now. Don’t be like that. I don’t want things to be awkward between us, Kazuya. This doesn’t change the fact that we’re friends. So now you know that I love you, that doesn’t mean this has to be awkward alright?”

Kazuya sighs. “I’m sorry”.

“Don’t be. You have nothing to be sorry for. Just promise me that we’ll always be friends alright? Even if you are going to America. I dont want to lose you as a friend” Youichi states.

Kazuya again just nods his head.

Youichi sighs. Why is this so hard?

Kazuya too sighs. Why is this still so awkward?

“Well..if you ever need me call me you got that? And I’ll be there” Youichi says.

Kazuya smiles, though it doesn’t feel real to Youichi .“I’ll call you then”

Youichi desperately wants to hug him then but he knows that probably would only make the boy even more uncomfortable than he already is so he just holds out his hand for him to shake and again feigns a smile. “Good luck out there” he says.

Kazuya takes the hand and shakes it. “Thanks. I’ll need it” he says happily but then he pulls his hand away and averts his gaze. “I guess this is it…”

Feeling like he could cry again at any moment, Youichi also averts his gaze. “Y..y..yeah.. I guess this is” he stutters out brokenly.

As if he wasn’t already feeling bad. This just takes the cake. Kazuya then looks back at Youichi only to find him crying again and that just breaks his heart, especially knowing that he is the cause and he has no idea how to fix it. So he does what he does best, make a joke out of it.

“You’re such a baby” he says with a big cheeky smile.

Youichi looks up at him and punches his arm playfully. “Shut up you asshole” he says with a genuine grin of his own.

They both then laugh easing the awkward tension between them.

Eventually when the laughter dies down Youichi sighs once more. “ You won’t forget me right?”

“The team. This school. All of you guys made me who I am today so why would I forget any of it?” Kazuya states with a smile.

Youichi smiles widely at that and does the thing he wasn’t brave enough to do before and straight up hugs Kazuya, wrapping his arms around him as he burrows his face into his shoulder. “I’ll miss you” he says out loud this time.

Kazuya awkwardly hugs him back but he also smiles. “Yeah..I will too”

Youichi knows it isn’t a reciprocation of his love but it is enough. For now it is enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three long weeks pass and it is finally time for Kazuya to leave for America. Of course Youichi, Eijun and anyone else who could fit in Takishima Rei’s little minivan joins in taking Kazuya to the airport.

The car ride was anything but silent with Eijun asking a bunch of questions about America, Youichi telling him to shut the fuck up, Kazuya giving sarcastic replies back and everyone else in the car groaning in annoyance.

After about forty five minutes they all arrive at the airport, about thirty minutes before Kazuya’s flight actually boards.

Rei again goes down the checklist with Kazuya while the rest of the boys talk amongst each other all but Youichi who is looking down at the letter he has in his hands. He is about to put it back in his jacket when Kazuya spots him with the corner of his eye.

“What have you got there, Youichi?” He asks.

Youichi blushes. “I-I-It’s nothing” he stutters out in embarrassment for being caught. He tries to hide the envelope behind his back.

“Sure doesn’t look like nothing?” Kazuya teases with a smirk.

“I said it’s n-nothing. So drop it, Kazuya” Youichi says as he stares sternly back at the catcher.

“Alright fine” Kazuya says but right after saying it he walks over to Youichi and grabs the envelope from his back.

“Hey! Give that back asshole!” Youichi shouts, his cheeks flushing red.

Kazuya looks at the envelope and finds his name on the front of it. He looks at Youichi incredulously. “This has my name on it…” he says. “So this is for me?”

“NO!!…well yeah..” Youichi stutters out before continuing to blush. “It’s for you…but please for my sake read it on the plane” he says.

Kazuya still looks at him shock. He literally was going to read it aloud to embarrass Youichi but seeing him this flustered already when he hasn’t even opened it made him reconsider.

“Alright then” Kazuya says before taking the envelope and putting it in his jacket pocket.

Thankfully for Youichi’s sake no one else is paying attention to them, all engrossed in talking amongst each other.

Time flew by quickly and eventually it came for Kazuya to board the plane. Already, Eijun is bawling his eyes out and crying about how much he’ll miss the catcher catching his pitches. The rest of the group of boys all express their goodbyes and wish Kazuya luck but then there is Youichi. He is standing off to the side with tears welling up his eyes as he looks to the ground. Kazuya looks at him with a saddened expression. “I’ll be going now” he says.

Youichi looks up to see him staring at him. He feigns a smile as he wipes his tears away from his eyes. “Good luck Kazuya..don’t forget what I gave you” he says. In all honestly he didn’t mean the letter but he knew that was what Kazuya was thinking.

Kazuya smiles sadly. “Don’t worry I won’t.”

“Flight 314A Boston, Massachusetts boarding now.” The PA announces throughout the airport.

Don’t forget that I gave you my heart is what Youichi wants to say before the boy he loves leaves him to go to a new country but he knows he shouldn’t, especially with the others around so he just settles with a simple “And don’t forget me, asshole”.

Kazuya chuckles. “I won’t, you dumbass” he calls out to him. Youichi gives him the finger and Kazuya blows him a kiss as a joke, waves and then walks into the terminal.

That fucking bastard Youichi thinks as he and the others wave their goodbyes to him. It’s ironic to him that this may very well by the last time Youichi ever sees Kazuya face to face but all he can do is force a smile and wave goodbye to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second the plane is steadily flying through the air, Kazuya takes out the envelope with his name on it that Youichi gave him. He opens it up to find two things. A phone card and a letter.

June 22, 2016

Dear Kazuya,

Well this is embarrassing. I’ve never done this before but well I guess this is as good as a time as ever to start. I know this may be really sappy and all but I think you should know how it all started…if you know what I mean…I hope you do. Anyways it really all started in our first year. It’s pretty stupid but remember that time I was getting teased by the third years and you literally back talked them? Well…that’s when it all began. You were the first person ever to defend me. And when I say “ever” I mean “ever”. I always had to defend myself. It really was surprising to have you do that for me. I would never had stood up to our sempais the way you did. It was then I understood what it felt like to have a friend. So thank you for that day.

For the longest time I didn’t think it was love because it’s you. The asshole, the jerk, the person who pisses me off to no end but no matter how much you annoyed me, your stupid smile and personality has woven itself in my damn heart. And now matter how hard I tried to deny it was love I had to learn that I couldn’t deny it anymore and learn to accept the dam feeling. So guess what, Kazuya? You are in my heart. You asshole.

Anyways enough about that. It’s too embarrassing to write dammit. Anyways don’t you think its funny how we may never see each other again? I think that’s really why I was hurt that day you told us you were leaving. I won’t be able to see you everyday now. But even so that doesn’t mean we can’t communicate right? This is why I gave you that phonecard. So you can call me free of charge except some long distance fees ( but its not that much to be quite honest). Anyways you have my number right? If not here xxx-xxxx. Now don’t forget it alright? Remember it and whenever you need me no matter the time difference I’ll be there for you, Kazuya. You were my friend first before someone who captured my heart.

Lastly I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable in any way. I wasn’t trying to but you pissed me off and well I let my emotions run the damn show. So there you have it, Kazuya. That’s my damn story on how and why you got in my damn heart. Anyways, remember to keep in touch. I even gave you my number, my email and on the back of this letter is my address so you can even write to me. So you don’t have an excuse to NOT keep in contact alright?

Your Friend,

Youichi

P.S. Don’t forget that I love you.

After reading and re-reading the letter, Kazuya couldn’t help but feel horrible. How the hell was he supposed to reciprocate his feelings to this boy who he barely even considered a friend? He had no idea. Kazuya then sighs before putting the letter and the phone card back in its envelope and putting it back in his jacket pocket. Kazuya then lays back in his chair and rest his eyes. This boy loves me and wants to stay friends even with the distance between us. Well I guess the best I could do for him is let him.

Kazuya then fell asleep dreaming about the days he had shared with Youichi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later after settling in his single dorm room at the university, Kazuya sits at his desk with a paper and a pen. After tapping the pen against the table for a few minutes he then starts to write.

July 11 ,2016

Hey Youichi,

So look at that. I’m writing you a damn letter. Ha. Didn’t think I would did you? Well I proved you wrong. Anyways, I’m finally settled in my place. It’s pretty small but its a lot bigger than our rooms back at Seidou. Did you know that I have my own kitchen AND bathroom? It’s fucking awesome. I don’t have to share with anyone. Ha. Anyways, how is it going where you are? You better keep training hard because the next time we meet it might be in a game where we’re on opposing teams. Wouldn’t that be cool? It would and I totally would beat you because I definitely won’t go easy on you.

To tell you the truth that day I stood up to those third years during our first years, I only did it because they needed to be taken down a notch or two. What they did was bullying. And you can say what I do to you is the same but it’s not. It’s teasing. I know when to stop and it stops becoming funny. I admit it’s still a big surprise to me to learn how you feel about me and I still have trouble processing the fact. But like you said I obviously can’t deny your feelings for me. So I’ll accept that you love me. It may sound selfish of me but that’s all I can do for now. I don’t know what I feel about you honestly. And you said it takes time to realize them right? Maybe I just need time as well?

Anyways, if you’re wondering why I haven’t called…well its because I have no idea how to fucking use this phone card. The instructions make no sense whatsoever. I even asked around and no one even knows what it is. So if you can, please send instructions on how to use this thing. That would be super helpful. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Kazuya

P.S. Or you could just call me at this number # XXX-XXXX I got a new phone jsyk. Still don’t really know how to use it but I can answer calls so yeah…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The very next day the letter arrives in Youichi’s mail box. The male didn’t at all expect a letter so when he went to check his mail box that day and found the letter he almost dropped it out of pure shock. Opening it quickly, Youichi read the letter right there. Right in front of the mail box. As his eyes scan the words he couldn’t help but smile to himself. He accepts the fact that I love him… That thought alone was enough to make him smile widely and let out a happy cry of “YES!” . The people in the mail room at his university all look at him weirdly but he doesn’t care. Kazuya accepts his love. That’s something he never thought would ever happen, especially after confessing to him. Youichi grins widely before quickly shutting his mail box, locking it, and running to his dorm room across campus.

Unfortunately for Youichi, he didn’t get the luxury of a single dorm room and had to share it with another student. He doesn’t mind it though, considering he had to live with two other roommates back at Seidou. Luckily for him though, it’s only one other roommate that he has to live with, meaning more space for him. Once reaching the room he finds his roommate not there so he just walks to his desk, grabs out a pen and a piece of paper, and starts writing.

July 12, 2016

Kazuya,

Ha. You big idiot. You did it. You kept in touch with me. Didn’t expect to find your letter today but I did. So thank you. Also you’re so stupid. It’s not that hard to use a fucking phone card. All you have to do is dial the number that is on the card then you dial the area code which is XXX then you dial my number? Simple as that. Idiot. If I could I would smack your idiot head. Anyways, things are fine here I guess. You lucky bastard. I still have to room with someone. At least its not the loudmouth Sawamura though. Haha. And if we happen to be opponents on the field I won’t go easy on you either. I will get stronger and faster and I will beat you too. So you better get stronger too.

Also I want to tell you this. I don’t expect you to reciprocate your feelings. It’s enough for you to accept mine. I don’t want to force you to like me. That was not my intention as to why I blurted out how I felt about you. It was a spur of a moment and well I kinda regret that it did happen. I admit it does feel good that I don’t have to hide it anymore but it doesn’t change the fact that the one person I never ever wanted to know now knows.

I can’t change the fact that you know now. It sucks, but I don’t mind much. I just want you to know that I accept the fact that you don’t feel the same so don’t try and force yourself to like me. Anyways don’t forget to keep in touch. Despite how busy we get let’s try our best not to lose touch alright?

Your Friend,

Youichi.

P.S. Thanks again for accepting the fact that I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The months seem to pass by quickly and Summer soon became Fall. The two boys continue to keep in contact with mostly letters but eventually it moved onto phone calls once Kazuya learned how use the phone card Youichi got him.

The two were practically inseparable which was ironic considering they were both miles and miles apart from each other. They both kept in contact and told each other things and secrets that they never would have gotten the guts to say to each other’s faces.

The thing is, Youichi’s roommate, Nobuku Gouru, can see that this is wrong. He has seen the letters Youichi writes to Kazuya. Each written with a variation of the phrase, “P.S. I love you”. That wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t for the fact that when he spots Youichi reading Kazuya’s letter that phrase is never ever written. Nobuku knows how this is all going to end up with Youichi in pain if he doesn’t stop this unrequited love.

Now Nobuku knows he has to do something to protect his roommate and very close friend from experiencing that pain. He knows it is going to be tough but he also knows he has to do it for his friend’s sake. Nobuku can’t continue to sit and watch him slowly break into a pit of darkness when he finally realizes that this male he is writing to is never ever going to feel the same way he does. Nobuku knows he has to straight up tell him before it reaches that point.

Nobuku is just on his bed, reading a manga, when Youichi walks in with of course a letter in his hand.

Nobuku groans before putting his manga onto the side table. He then stares at Youichi, who of course is now reading the letter.

“Why are you doing this?” Nobuku states bluntly.

Youichi doesn’t look back at him. “Doing what?” he asks.

Nobuku throws his legs off the bed and faces his roommate. He sighs. “Continuing to communicate with this guy” he says.

Now that gets his attention. Youichi looks at his roommate incredulously. “He’s my friend. Is something wrong with that?” Youichi says as he turns his desk chair to face Nobuku, an eyebrow raises at him.

His roommate rolls his eyes. “Bullshit. He’s not just your friend, Youichi. You love him”.

“I..”

“Don’t lie. It’s obvious. I’ve heard your phone calls. I’ve seen your letters. You love him. “

“So what if I do? I’m okay that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I accepted that fact” Youichi states.

Nobuku scoffs. “Right. You think you have but its obvious that you haven’t. I’ve seen the way you look at his pictures and read his letters and feel so heartbroken. You hate that he’s happy without you don’t you? You want him to smile because of you don’t you? Isn’t that what everyone wants when they’re in love? To be the cause of their happiness? So I’m going to ask you again. Why the hell are you doing this? Why are you torturing yourself with someone you obviously can’t have”.

Youichi’s eyes widen in disbelief. Nobuku’s words hitting him right in the heart. He knew it. He has known it all along. That what he is doing is wrong. That he shouldn’t be torturing himself but he couldn’t stop. Not with Kazuya being there for him, talking to him, and writing to him. He had thought he would be okay with this but inside he knows it is all an illusion. He knows that Kazuya won’t ever feel the same about him.

Youichi lets the letter drop from his hands before he grabs his hair. He groans.

“I..I.. don’t know” he stutters out. “I don’t know why i’m doing this?” he says in a broken tone. “I t-t-thought maybe he’d grow to l-love me b-back..” he says as he looks at the floor, his lips trembling. “I thought maybe if I continue what we’re doing.. it will all be okay…”

“And has his feelings ever changed?” Nobuku asks bluntly.

Youichi looks at him at the brink of tears. “..no” he mutters before looking back down at the ground and letting the tears fall freely from his eyes.

“But I..I.. still love him” he mutters lowly, the tears flowing harshly down his cheeks. “even after all this…after all this pain he caused me… I..still love him…” he says in a choked voice before he full on sobs into his hands.

Nobuku sighs before he walks over, pulls Youichi off his desk chair and into his arms. Youichi, heartbroken, clings on to his shirt and sobs. Wrapping his arms around him, Nobuku holds him tightly. “You don’t need him, Youichi. You deserve better.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kazuya knows something is up with Youichi. The fact that he hasn’t heard from him in over three weeks is proof of it. He tried contacting him, writing everyday, calling almost every hour but nothing. No response. It is as if Youichi disappeared from his life. He tried calling the rest of the team too and contacting them to go and check on him but still no one would give him the time of day. Everyone just tells him to forget him and let him be. Still he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t just forget him. Forget all the times he’s been there for him. All the times Youichi was there to comfort him in his time of need. Especially when he got a phone call from his father telling him how much of a disappointment he is, Youichi was there to comfort him and remind him that he still loves him.

The more Kazuya thought about the reasons why Youichi would ignore him, the more and more confusing it got. What was he doing wrong? What did he do? Why would Youichi just stop talking just like that? He didn’t understand the reason. It didn’t make sense in his mind.

Kazuya thinks of all the things he did, the things he had written, the things he said and he couldn’t wrap his head around on what he did wrong. Picking up the last letter Youichi had sent him a couple weeks back, he reads it once more:

October 17, 2016.

Hey Kazuya,

I can’t believe that you haven’t seen that movie? You’re seriously missing out. Go out and rent it RIGHT NOW. Do it. You won’t regret it. I promise you. Anyways, hope you’re doing well at school. It’s no longer summer, Kazuya. Don’t forget to do your homework, dumbass. You’re a student not just a person who’s part of the team. Call me after you watch the movie.

Your Friend, Youichi.

P.S. You may be a dumbass but I still love you.

Kazuya’s eyes widen at the last line. He then opens his desk drawer and grabs out the rest of the letters Youichi has written him. He skims over the contents and realizes every SINGLE one of them had a variation of the phrase “P.S. I Love You”. In each letter Youichi wrote, he constantly reminds Kazuya that he loves him.

That’s when it hits him. The thought of Youichi not loving him anymore, is something he couldn’t fathom. And now that it is possible, with the lack of contact, Kazuya knows that he can’t let him get away. He can’t let his happiness and the cause of his constant joy in life, the person who he trusts with all his secrets, the person who makes him smile, makes him angry, makes him feel, the person he couldn’t live without, leave him.

“I..I..can’t lose him” Kazuya admits to himself. “It’s not just that either..I..I..’

He shakes his head not daring to say it out loud. Not even to himself. No. He needs to hear it himself. I need to tell him. I have to tell him before it’s too late.

He knows then that he has to do something insane. If he wants Youichi back in his life he has to show him how much he does. Show him that he doesn’t want him to leave because that is how much Kazuya needs him.

Grabbing his coat, his wallet, and keys, Kazuya rushes out the door. He couldn’t waste one second anymore. He had to tell him and he had to tell him now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bus, a plane and a taxi car ride later, Kazuya finally arrives at Youichi’s university. He pulls out the envelope of the last letter Youichi wrote him and reads the address:

Youichi Kuramochi

Nagoya, Japan # 81

Nagoya Gakuin University

Student Building B

Apt #26

After asking around for where Student Building B is, Kazuya eventually finds it across the campus. He doesn’t notice how nervous he is until he reaches the building. A smile appears on his face as he realizes how much this boy really means to him. A few minutes later, Kazuya was able to find the room. He stands before the door and just reads the names on the wall near it . The two names that read from top to bottom Kuramochi Youichi, Nobuku Gouru.

Kazuya let’s his eyes linger on his name. He knows then that he is at the right place. A few seconds later he raises his hand and knocks on the door.

“What?” A voice that he recognizes answers.

He knocks again. Kazuya hears a grumble before footsteps walks up to the door.

“Dammit, Gouru. Did you forg-…K-Kazuya?!?” Youichi says in astonishment.

“Hi” is all Kazuya could muster out. Seeing him in the flesh after almost four months now makes him struck speechless.

“W-w-what are you doing here?!” Youichi asks him, his eyes still wide in shock.

Kazuya chuckles before he fully walks into the room and pulls Youichi into his chest.

“What the hell are you doing?” Youichi says with his cheeks flushing red at the contact.

“Why are you here?” Youichi repeats.

“Because I can’t lose you”

“What?” Youchi asks incredulously as he pulls away from the embrace.

“I said that I can’t lose you, Youichi. The moment we lost contact I realized how much I need you. You are my life now. You have been for the last three months. And the thought of living a life without you is something that I can’t even fathom.”

“W-w-what are you saying all of the sudden, Kazuya?”

Kazuya chuckles before grabbing Youichi’s face and letting their foreheads press together. He looks deeply in his eyes. Youichi freezes at the action. His breathing hitches. He pushes him off him. “S-stop this. please. Don’t do this to me, Kazuya.”

Kazuya looks at him with eyes full of hurt. “I..”

“I know…you need me but Kazuya that’s not enough. Not anymore. Please j-just leave”

“No that’s not what I’m trying to say I…”

“We can’t do this, Kazuya. I can’t keep living like this.”

“Won’t you let me talk? I -”

“Just drop it, Kazuya. Please just lea-”

It happens so suddenly and out of the blue but their lips were now against each others. Kazuya’s hands rest on Youichi’s face as he kisses him fiercely. Seconds later, Kazuya pulls away and smiles at Youichi’s shock stricken face.

He again then leans his forehead against Youichi’s, gazes down at him, and smiles. “I love you. I love you so much, Kuramochi Youichi. I know I don’t deserve you and I know you deserve better but I can’t lose you. I know this took so long. I know that I’ve lead you on and I’m sorry..” he says before he feels tears start to well up in his eyes. “I..caused you so much pain. I know that now. I-I- I didn’t realize how much you were hurting..I-I..” Kazuya says in a broken tone.

Youichi couldn’t help but cry. The boy he loves finally realizes and admits he loves him back. “I..I love you too, idiot. I always have and always will” he says with happy tears falling from his eyes. He then leans in and again presses his lips against Kazuya’s.

Their lips connect perfectly as if they are meant to be against each other. This kiss is so much more passionate than before because both parties are reciprocating. A symbol of their newfound mutual love for each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

14 months later.

Kazuya looks over at his boyfriend who is staring off into space. “Youichi? What are you thinking about?”

Youichi shakes out of his reverie. He then curls more into his lover’s chest and brings the blanket up to cover more of their bodies. He then gazes up at him. “Nothing. Just thinking of how lucky I am to have you” he says happily.

Kazuya chuckles, presses his lips against Youichi’s temple and tightens his hold around him.

“You’re not lucky, I am” Kazuya say with a gentle smile.

Youichi sighs happily as he turns his face forward to look at the beautifully lit Christmas tree that is in the corner of the living room. “ I love you, Kazuya”

“I love you too, Youichi”.

18 months ago, Youichi would have never thought he would ever hear those words come out of his crush’s lips but he is hearing them now. The once cold hearted, asshole known as Miyuki Kazuya just said he loves him too. On the couch, cuddled together with the boys he loves during Christmas, Youichi still didn’t believe that all his dreams came true but he couldn’t be more overjoyed at the fact. And it all really started because of one simple phrase: “P.S. I Love You”.

#cjoycoolio #sharl0t #submission #daiyasecretsanta #5//#miyuki kazuya #kuramochi youichi #kuramiyu #fic

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