#she.txt

[chronicallyshe]

i am so violently desperate to see good OSDDID representation in media that atp i might just make some myself

[chronicallyshe]

during therapy today we spent some time talking over how much i've grown since i started around june. it actually took me a really long time to get here, with many failures along the way. my last therapist was from my 2nd year of college, and i found it physically impossible to get help until now, which is my 4th year. i've never been more happy about forcing myself to do anything that was hard, to be honest. i'm also so especially proud of myself for seeking out a CDD specialist even though i was still on the fence, and going forward and finding out literally everything i possibly could. the change was honestly challenging as fuck. first i thought it would just be one month and then i would be ok. then i thought it would just be two months and then i would be ok. i honestly think it took me about three months or longer to actually hit my stride with living as multiple. to adapt to all of the things that my brain has been wanting to tell me for so long.

most of the stuff i was learning about systems early on came from seasoned pros, diagnosed years before, or clinicians, and the gap in knowledge and experience between me and them was miles wide. i couldn't understand what they were describing at all, i felt like i would never be somewhere where things would actually just work. it's been a theme of my life, feeling like my brain would never just do what it was supposed to do. i genuinely. cannot believe. that i have finally overcome that feeling. for me, diagnosis and treatment came with empowerment i've been waiting for for my entire life. i'm so glad i never gave up trying to figure myself out.

[chronicallyshe]

at first i hated realizing i was cocon but now realizing i'm not is almost worse

[chronicallyshe]

"...it feels like I am my own child -- I put out my own hand and accept it with my other, leading myself into what most would see as common sense -- routine, enjoying the mundane, smiling when you're not happy, being sad when you are, among other things."

Above is something I wrote in March before diagnosis. I find it fascinating how my brain has adapted without my understanding to be its own mentor, its own guidance, its own brave pursuer of knowledge to help parts of it that can't help themselves. A major theme of my system, even pre-diagnosis, was guidance. Partnership. Self-relationship is undeniably complicated, but it is true that we only made it through life and out of the trauma by walking through it all together. I have a lot of gratitude for my brain, even if I am constantly struck with the realization that it is different from others. Holding out my hand for myself is something I've been doing every day for years without even realizing it. We do it when we wake up and don't know where we are, when we have to brush our teeth and hair, when we have to have meetings, do assignments, be happy, be sad, be with people, be alone.

[chronicallyshe]

im very quickly vascillating between feeling calm and empty and feeling absolutely off the chain insane panic this is so fun and cool rn.

today i read about this concept called the faux window of tolerance that i found fascinating and affirming. i revisited multiple times throughout the day see here for more information