my denial is comign on so strong like waves on the shore in a storm
when will it end

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@chronicallyshe
my denial is comign on so strong like waves on the shore in a storm
when will it end
A Sprite by a Lakeside Temple (Max Roeder, 1894)
Last night, we found a new alter. Well... more specifically, we finally managed to tease out that there was an alter we kept mistaking to be a different alter to the point we thought they were the same one. Finally managing to tease apart those two parts and seeing them as separate parts took some time but made a lot of things from my life make more sense.
My partner, who still struggles with telling their alters apart, then asked me a question: how was I able to tell that they're actually different alters? So I kinda sat on that question a bit, and I realized that there's an assumption there that I know they're different alters, and that there's only two of them. I don't. I don't know for sure they're "actually" different alters, or if there aren't more alters tangled in there who think they are them or hiding behind them, or anything else. I don't really ever feel like I know anything about my system.
What I am doing, though, is trying to understand this complicated system in my head to the best of my abilities. I likened it to using scientific models. Scientists are often trying to explain the complicated inner workings of the universe using the best models they have, but with the understanding that these models are not perfect representations of how the universe actually is and that these models can be updated once we have more knowledge and understanding of what we're working with. In the same way, the way I'm mapping my system structure is never a perfect reflection of my brain but is instead my best approximation of what's going on. And when I'm presented with new information, and thus feel the need to revisit my old models, I examine things from a few different angles to see if this new model makes more sense and better explains things than my old one did.
And that's exactly what I did here. I was faced with the possibility that this alter may actually be two different alters who have confused themselves for the same alter, and so I compared examining my life through those two different perspectives (them being the same alter vs them being different alters) and concluded that yeah, it does make more sense and also generally serves me better to see them as two separate alters.
Anyways, thought I'd share these thoughts here since I know there are people out there who also struggle with figuring their alters out. You're not alone, it's rough and confusing, and don't be afraid to be wrong or mistaken because you can always update your understanding and knowledge of yourself and selves.
i am so violently desperate to see good OSDDID representation in media that atp i might just make some myself
fall to do list:
heal from things i try not to mention out loud
reminisce about childhood falls past
stop doomscrolling so much
let more of my sweaters see the light of day
carve a pumpkin
processing our diagnosis has caused me to put a lot of my favorite parts of life on pause to give us enough time to be together and to breathe for the first time as US. now that we're finally moving forward and getting back to life, it feels incredible. it feels like life never has to pause again and i cant wait to see what the future holds ☆
oh yeah i'm just kinda in a weird mood rn now haha
and by mood i mean
well
heh heh
let's just say
alters
during therapy today we spent some time talking over how much i've grown since i started around june. it actually took me a really long time to get here, with many failures along the way. my last therapist was from my 2nd year of college, and i found it physically impossible to get help until now, which is my 4th year. i've never been more happy about forcing myself to do anything that was hard, to be honest. i'm also so especially proud of myself for seeking out a CDD specialist even though i was still on the fence, and going forward and finding out literally everything i possibly could. the change was honestly challenging as fuck. first i thought it would just be one month and then i would be ok. then i thought it would just be two months and then i would be ok. i honestly think it took me about three months or longer to actually hit my stride with living as multiple. to adapt to all of the things that my brain has been wanting to tell me for so long.
most of the stuff i was learning about systems early on came from seasoned pros, diagnosed years before, or clinicians, and the gap in knowledge and experience between me and them was miles wide. i couldn't understand what they were describing at all, i felt like i would never be somewhere where things would actually just work. it's been a theme of my life, feeling like my brain would never just do what it was supposed to do. i genuinely. cannot believe. that i have finally overcome that feeling. for me, diagnosis and treatment came with empowerment i've been waiting for for my entire life. i'm so glad i never gave up trying to figure myself out.
at first i hated realizing i was cocon but now realizing i'm not is almost worse
A frustrated reminder
That people have been trying to disprove the trauma basis of CDDs for about a century
It hasn't happened yet
In fact, supporting proof is basically coming out monthly at this point
It's not understudied
It's undertaught
We need more specialists and continuing education for providers, not to slip back into old arguments
Let's talk about longitudinal studies on dissociation!
First off, what is a longitudinal study? This is a type of academic experiment where researchers study the same group of volunteers over a long period of time, usually several years. It's very effective for seeing how the same things change over time, such as how people might develop dissociative disorders.
The longitudinal study I want to share is "Development and the fragmented self: longitudinal study of dissociative symptomatology in a nonclinical sample" by researchers Ogawa, Sroufe, Weinfield, Carlson, and Egeland. This was a longitudinal study over the span of 19 years, looking to investigate the emergence of pathological dissociation in a person.
Experiencing dissociation is normal to some extent! But pathological dissociation is described as severe & abnormal dissociation such as amnesia, identity confusion, identity fragmentation, and depersonalization & derealization.
Okay, now let's talk about the study. The study followed 168 children from birth to 19 years old. They were in "at-risk" families which experienced things like poverty or a teenage parent. Here's what the study discovered after 19 years:
Trauma is necessary but not sufficient for pathological dissociation. Not every child who experienced trauma ended up dissociative. Every child who did develop pathological dissociation, however, experienced trauma.
Pathological dissociation is predicted by trauma occurring at 0-24 months of age. The older the children got, the less likely pathological dissociation was to develop.
Pathological dissociation is also predicted by trauma that is severe and chronic.
Pathological dissociation is predicted by attachment style. Children with disorganized attachment to their mothers had the highest dissociation scores. Children who had anxious/avoidant attachment with their mothers had higher dissociation scores than children with secure or anxious/ambivalent attachment.
The more integrated a child's sense of self is, the less likely they will develop pathological dissociation.
The environments that produced the most severe trauma also produced the most chronic trauma, while environments that produced the least severe trauma also produced the least chronic trauma. Likewise, the children who experienced the most severe & chronic traumas also experienced them at the earliest ages. "If children are living in chaotic, traumatic environments when they are infants, then it is likely that they will continue to live in such environments as they grow older. All three of these aspects of trauma may be highly related in our society, and are probably not separable in either an analytic sense or a theoretical sense."
Their findings support that pathological dissociation is not a more severe version of normal dissociation. Pathological dissociation actually "represents an extreme deviation from normal development."
People with psychosis deserve better.
Psychotic episodes are fucking terrifying.
If you say "delulu" I'm going to hit you with my car !!
Be normal about schizospecs and psychotics *bonk*
Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life
Sic 'Em
its like i have to keep waking up in her body and living her dreams for her even though i cant tell what they are, even though they're supposed to be mine too