(i also use the more common “erin” spelling with no preference)
forest fairy. soft pen, thin skin, open heart. macramé artist. playlist builder. moodboard maker. making the friendship bracelets since 2006.
i love music and lyrics and songs and albums. my favorite artists include taylor swift and the wonder years. you can often/always find me listening to them, other pop music, other pop punk, country, showtunes, rock, and the occasional classical. also a big fan of words, theatre, lgbt stuff, color, and animals. i have two black cats named beifong and fionn and they’re the loves of my life.
links for stuff i make, sideblogs, music stuff, and more under the cut. i tag triggers on a “better safe than sorry” basis with “trigger tw.” i’m happy to start tagging something specific, just shoot me a message or an ask. anon is fine!
creations:
macramé art
moodboards
writing
themes
music:
playlists (carrd showing all my taylor playlists)
spotify
airbuds
last.fm
album of the day tag
playlists tag
blog pages:
about
tags
favorites
music
sideblogs:
twilight: @renegadepack
the princess diaries: @thesnowflakenecklace
theme designs: @ayayronthemes
animals: @friendtoanimals
i track #tuservioletjane if you want me to see ur posts!
“When is everyone else getting here?” Nick asked as he pulled into the parking space.
“Ooo,” Charlie said with a wince. “I forgot to tell you.”
“Forgot to tell me what?”
“We’ve been ditched.”
“How dare they!” Nick said with mock outrage.
Charlie laughed. “Tao is dragging Elle - her words not mine - to some film festival screening thing, Darcy got grounded, and Tara is drowning in homework.”
“Wow. So it’s just us then, huh?”
“Looks like it.” Charlie took his hand.
“I rather like that.”
“Me, too.” Charlie’s grin grew wider. Then he looked at the clock on the dashboard. “But it starts in two minutes, so…”
continue reading: ao3 // under the cut
“Right with you.” Nick let go of him and grabbed the keys out of the ignition as both boys climbed out of the car. Charlie grabbed his hand again as they practically ran into the building.
“Good morning! Are you two here for the Teen Scene painting event?” a man at the front desk asked them.
“Uh, yeah. We’re not late, are we?” Charlie asked, looking down the otherwise empty corridor.
“I don’t think they’ve started yet,” the man said with a laugh. “It’ll be down the hall, then take a right. I’m sure you’ll hear everyone else to tell you which room it’s in.”
“Thank you!” Nick called as Charlie pulled him down the corridor.
“Char, slow down!”
“I don’t want to miss the start!” They rounded the corner, and quickly found the right room, identified by the chatter coming out of it.
“See? We’re fine,” Nick said, following him through the door.
“Yeah, cause we ran here,” Charlie protested, sounding slightly out of breath.
“Sure, keep telling yourself that.” He squeezed Charlie’s hand before letting go, and they walked to a table near the front of the room. A girl a few years older than them sat at the table, rearranging paintbrushes in cups in front of her.
“Hi! We’re here for the painting class,” Nick greeted her while Charlie looked around the room.
“Wonderful! We’re just about to get started,” she said, handing each of them a paint pallet and cup of brushes. At her words, Charlie turned back to Nick with his eyebrows raised high. Nick lightly shoved his shoulder without looking at him. “Go ahead and fill out a name tag, then pick an easel.” She slid them both a blank name tag and a marker, then pointed to the last two easels open at the back of the room.
They both quickly scribbled their names and pronouns on the stickers, then attached them to their jumpers. With quick thanks, they took the painting supplies and scurried to the back of the room, each taking a stool in front of one easel and setting out their new supplies on the small table between them.
“You know your name tag isn’t on straight,” Charlie said, pointing to the lopsided badge on Nick’s chest.
“Well…” Nick started with a smirk.
“Don’t say it,” Charlie cut him off, already laughing.
“If you insist.”
Charlie opened his mouth to respond, but thought better of it when the instructor started the lesson. He settled for lighting kicking Nick’s foot with his own, drawing a smile from him.
The instructor spoke for a while, outlining the project she had planned for the group to do. The aim was a stylized portrait; her examples of different people and animals were on the board. Each one was colorful and vibrant. After she demonstrated the techniques she had used, and let everyone practice them on small sketch pads, she set them loose to freestyle while she walked around, assisting as needed.
Nick turned to talk with Charlie again, but he was already deep in concentration in his portrait, working to blend together some yellows and oranges. Nick watched him for a few more moments, then turned to stare at the blank canvas in front of him. He stared at the canvas, studying the texture of it. Then he looked to his paints, his brush hesitating over them. Then back to his canvas, then around the room for inspiration. Charlie looked over when he heard him sigh.
“Nick. What’s wrong?” he asked, setting his paintbrush in the cup of water.
“I don’t know what to paint.” He looked down, staring at the paintbrush in his hand.
“Well, it’s supposed to be a portrait. And art is best when it’s something you love. So, think of what you love. Or who.”
“Very wise,” Nick said with a smile.
“I try. But please, don’t make me look at Avengers fan art.”
Nick opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. Charlie laughed. “I will paint whatever I want, thank you very much!” Nick said, jabbing his paintbrush in Charlie’s direction.
“Then do it,” Charlie said, picking up his own brush again.
Nick rolled his eyes, then turned back to his canvas. He peaked over at Charlie and saw he was already back at work, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Nick leaned back to look at his canvas, but couldn’t really see anything yet. He dipped his paintbrush in the green paint and made a series of short, absentminded strokes near the top of the canvas, waiting for inspiration to strike. Once it did, the next hour passed quickly.
“We have about fifteen minutes left, group! As you add the finishing touches, please head over to the sinks to wash out your brushes. You can bring your paints back up to the front,” the instructor said. Nick jumped at her voice; he hadn’t realized the time had passed so quickly. He added a few more strokes of blue, then put his brush in the water cup.
“Charlie?” he said, looking over at him. The boy in question was still carefully painting, his nose inches from the canvas. “If you get paint on your nose I will not help you get it off.” He walked to Charlie and rested his hand on his shoulder.
“Ah!” Charlie yelped, dropping his paintbrush on the ground.
“Sorry! I tried to get your attention.” Nick knelt with a paper towel to wipe the paint off the floor. “Clearly did not work.” He handed the paintbrush to Charlie, who began wiping the excess paint off with another paper towel.
“Don’t worry about it,” Charlie said with a laugh as Nick stood up. “Well, do you like it?”
Nick looked at the painting Charlie had made. “Well, remember how I said you were good at everything?”
“Yeah?” Charlie’s face brightened.
“I think I wanna take that back now.”
“How dare you!”
“Well…”
“I am hurt!” Charlie crossed his arms.
“Okay, fine. What’s it supposed to be?”
“It’s Nellie!”
“I… since when does my dog have five legs?”
“That’s her tail!”
Nick stammered. “The uh… the colors are very nice.
“Shut up. What’s your masterpiece?” They turned, and Charlie looked at the canvas Nick had worked on. “My hair isn’t actually that messy, right?” He paused, tugging at one of his unruly curls. “Is it?”
Nick laughed, running his fingers through Charlie’s hair. “Well, you said to paint something I loved…”
“I didn’t tell you to get sappy on me,” Charlie said, blushing.
“At least you can tell what mine is,” Nick said with a shrug.
“Hey!” He shoved the brushes at Nick, but he was laughing. “Go wash these out, rugby lad. I’ll bring our paints up.”
“Whatever you say, gay nerd.”
Charlie lightly shoulder bumped him as Nick passed him on the way to the sink, then began gathering up the paints. He took them back to the front of the room, then met Nick back by their paintings. They filled out identification cards to go with their paintings, then turned to leave.
“So before we can take them home, there’s gonna be a gallery show next week,” Charlie began as they walked down the corridor.
“Oh, really?” Nick asked.
“And um…”
“Charlie, are you trying to ask me on a date?”
He laughed. “Maybe?”
“You know the answer is always yes. We have to get everyone else to come. They all deserve to see that picture of Nellie.”
“You are so mean!” Charlie exclaimed.
Once they were outside, Nick pulled him off to the side of the building where they leaned against the wall. “I really do love it,” Nick admitted, brushing Charlie’s hair off his face.
“I really love you,” Charlie said, leaning into Nick’s touch.
“Now who’s being sappy?” Before Charlie could protest that statement, he leaned in to kiss him. “I love you, too,” he said between kisses.
The Paris Squad hits up the semi-local Fall Festival, complete with games, mazes, pumpkin painting, and plenty of banter and the occasional flirting. Includes group & couple moments.
Elle was driving, partially as she was the oldest of the group, and because she was the only one whose parents would let their teenager borrow their car for a day trip - and it was the only one big enough. Isaac had claimed shotgun, leaving a slightly disgruntled Tao in the middle row. As the shortest, Tara was in the middle seat, with Darcy on her other side. Nick and Charlie sat in the last row, with a stern warning that there was to be no canoodling on the drive. But they needn’t have bothered, as Charlie promptly fell asleep 5 minutes into the 90 minute drive, using Nick as a pillow. Nick held him close, running his fingers through the soft curls as he stared out the window.
“Z! I win again!” Darcy called, grinning in her victory. Tara rolled her eyes.
“Didn’t we say license plates don’t count?” Tara asked, eyeing the car in front of them, which had a license plate starting with that letter. Those that wanted to play the alphabet game had tried to come up with a consensus on the rules at the beginning of the drive, but they still bantered fairly often.
“I agreed to no such rule,” Darcy argued, crossing her arms.
“No fair! I’m still stuck on that bloody ‘J,’” Elle muttered, using the rearview mirror to shoot a glare at her friends behind her.
“It was on that truck that passed us, like, ten minutes ago.” Darcy shrugged.
“Well, forgive me for paying attention to the cars around us instead of the ones on the other side of the road.”
“Gotta keep your eyes on the prize, Argent.”
“I’ll keep my eyes on the road, thank you very much.”
continue reading: ao3 // under the cut
“Isaac, can you add ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ to the music queue?” Tao asked, cutting off the banter.
“Please don’t,” Nick protested, earning himself approvals from everyone else in the car, and a glare from Tao.
“I wasn’t planning on it,” Isaac said, turning with an apologetic look towards Tao.
“Oh, come on! It fits the theme of the day!” he said, throwing up his hands in exasperation.
“That’s what you said last time,” Elle reminded him. Their last road trip for a day at the beach had gone much the same way, with banter and road games between the group as Elle drove. And plenty of arguing over the music, as they each added songs the others didn’t like or know. Including Tao’s current favorite film scores, and as much as they all loved Moonlight, it didn’t quite match. Finally, Elle suggested they all agree on some artists beforehand and build a playlist with their songs.
“You should be on my side!” Tao said, leaning forward slightly. She just briefly turned around to give him a look, one eyebrow raised. “Fine. I may have exaggerated slightly.” He sat back, pulling his beanie down over his eyes.
“Elle! The exit’s coming up!” Isaac said, checking the GPS on his phone. Elle nodded, starting to merge over and slow down.
“Eeeee! We’re almost there!” Darcy yelped, grabbing Tara’s arm. She just smiled, her hand over Darcy’s.
“Do we need a quick pit stop? Snacks, loo break?” Elle questioned noting the petrol station signs as she pulled off the motorway. Everyone shook their heads.
“I’m sure they’ll have plenty there,” Nick said, growing excited. “Although this one might need an energy drink,” he added, starting to gently nudge Charlie awake.
“Did I miss anything?” he asked, trying to stretch his arms in the small space between the rows of seats.
“Not much. We’re almost there,” Tao said, looking out the window as street signs directed them to their destination.
“Yay!” Charlie leaned over Nick to look out the window.
“Excuse you, I think my four victories at the alphabet game are worth noting,” Darcy said, turning to Charlie and holding up four fingers.
“Congrats?” It sounded more like a question.
“We’re all very proud of her,” Tara said solemnly. Darcy turned to glare at her as Charlie giggled.
“We’ll be sure to get you some sort of victory crown at the fair, Darce,” Elle said as she pulled into the parking lot.
“A little acknowledgement is all I ask,” she said, nudging Tara and Tao with her elbows.
“Are we there yet?” Tao asked, his face pinched in annoyance.
Elle laughed. “I literally just pulled into the parking lot, babe. Patience is a virtue.” She pulled into a parking space and turned off the car. Everyone quickly unbuckled and gathered their things, then stood around the car stretching.
“Onward!” Darcy called after a moment. “There are game stands calling my name!” She took Tara’s hand and they began speed walking towards the entrance. The rest of the squad followed them after a moment.
🍂🍃🍂
After a semi-lengthy wait in the entrance queue, they were inside the festival grounds. Elle already had her phone out, snapping pictures of the decor and stands around them. Darcy kept trying to jump in them, but Elle had become well-practiced in the art of evading her. Everyone else acquiesced to being in a few photos, both together and with whatever display Elle needed a model for.
“So, uh, do we have a plan?” Charlie asked, after Elle took a photo of him and Nick at one of the picnic tables, a centerpiece of colorful autumn leaves in front of them.
“As I said, I have many games to go win,” Darcy said, plopping next to Charlie on the bench.
“Or lose,” Tara said, standing behind her girlfriend with her hands on her shoulders.
“I beg your pardon!” Darcy shrugged Tara’s hands off, then crossed her arms. But she leaned back into Tara. She laughed, kissing the top of her head.
“Tao promised to help me with the pumpkin-painting contest,” Elle said, scrolling through the photos she had taken.
“I thought we could try the corn maze,” Nick said to Charlie, wrapping an arm around his waist.
“Yes, please!” Charlie leaned into Nick’s touch. “Isaac? Any specific requests?”
“You’re looking at it,” Isaac said with a chuckle. He held up the current book in his rotation, a compilation novel of the four Monster Blood installments of the Goosebumps series with a bookmark already near the end.
“Still working through those?” Nick asked.
“I need to see if they still hold up, or if it’s just nostalgia.”
“And the verdict so far?”
“Nostalgia is a hell of a drug, but they’re alright. Good for what they are. Not great literature, but not everything needs to be. Or even should be.” Isaac opened the book and tucked his bookmark in the front for safekeeping, then began reading.
“Well, we all want to do different things,” Elle said, sitting down at the table and looking around the group. “What are we doing first?”
“Do we even have time for everything?” Tao asked. “Aren’t our haunted house tickets for like, eight?”
“It’s already almost four,” Tara said, showing the time on her phone.
“Shoot. We probably won’t have enough time then.” Elle sighed.
“We could split up for a bit, meet back up to eat before the tour?” Charlie suggested.
“That sounds great! Meet back here at 5:30 for food, then we’ll join the house queue?” Nick said with a shrug. Everyone murmured their agreement.
“Alright! Everyone, break!” Darcy declared, then grabbed Tara’s hand and began pulling her towards the game stands.
“We’ll see you guys later!” Tara called over her shoulder.
“Good luck with the painting, Elle,” Charlie said, laughing as he watched them walk away - or rather, run.
“Thanks, Charlie. Isaac, are you sure you’re good alone?”
“Absolutely perfect.”
“Maple latte for Isaac!” a barista working at the food stand called.
“And now I have everything I need,” Isaac said, standing to go get the drink.
“When did he order that?” Elle asked as Tao pulled her to a standing position.
“You are very distracted when you’re taking pictures, love. Now, let’s go. We’re running out of time to paint your masterpiece!”
“Our masterpiece,” she corrected with a kiss on the cheek. He rolled his eyes in response but gave her hand a squeeze. With quick goodbyes tossed over their shoulders, they headed off to the painting station.
“Guess we should get going, too,” Charlie said, looking at a map of the fair. “I’ve heard the maze can be pretty hard, and we don’t want to get that lost.”
“Mmm. I can think of a few other places to get lost,” Nick said, tugging at one of Charlie’s curls. He blushed, brushing Nick’s hand away from his hair. Nick just took his hand and brought it to his lips.
Isaac walked up and cleared his throat, sliding back on the bench.
“Sorry, Isaac,” Nick said with a wince, dropping Charlie’s hand as he giggled.
“Go be cute elsewhere. I have a review to finish,” Isaac said with a shake of his head, but he was smiling too.
“Fine, fine! We’ll get out of your hair. Text us if you need anything!” Charlie said. Isaac, already lost in his book, just lifted his hand in a wave.
Charlie laced his hand with Nick’s and they went off in search of the corn maze.
🍂🍃🍂
Elle darted up to the sign-in booth, Tao trailing along behind her.
“Hi! Elle Argent,” she said as the person behind the small table handed her a form. “And this is-”
“Tao Xu,” he said, panting slightly. Elle had practically jogged through the crowds, and he hadn’t gotten any better at keeping up with her. Not that he was going to stop trying anytime soon.
“Fill out this form and bring it up with your pumpkin once you’re done. Sit at any table with a pumpkin and paints. If you need anything else, ask one of the volunteers. I think that’s about it. Any questions?” they droned on, motioning to the sea of tables, most of which were already occupied.
“Not any right now. Thank you,” Elle said, taking the paper with one hand and the end of Tao’s sleeve with the other. It was a nervous habit of hers that never failed to give him a slight blush.
“That spot looks good. Let’s go,” Tao said, wrapping an arm around her waist and pointing to a table near the back. Most of the spots around it were empty as well, so it would feel secluded while they worked. Elle followed his gaze and nodded, so they started walking towards it. Tao threw a quick “thanks” over his shoulder as they walked.
Once they got to the table, Elle sat and began looking over the paints. They were nothing fancy, but she was used to the quality. At least it was a good selection of colors - a full rainbow, plus black, white, and a pretty dark brown. Tao watched for a moment as she fiddled with the tubes, then the pumpkin they had to paint. Or rather, she would paint. He was just here for moral support.
He took an extra chair from a table nearby, hoping it wouldn’t be missed, and sat down right next to Elle. She leaned onto his shoulder, still rotating the small pumpkin in her hands as she studied it, hoping for some ideas.
“Any ideas?” he asked, taking one of the thicker paintbrushes and running his fingers over the bristles.
“I have a few.” She sighed, the pumpkin stilling in her hands.
“Any you want to share with your partner in crime?”
Elle cracked a smile. “Always. I’m just not sure if I want to go for cute or scary.”
Tao pursed his lips, thinking it over. He took the pumpkin from her, setting the paintbrush back on the table. He looked at it, but nothing jumped out to give him any ideas. He set it back down.
“Well, your normal style is a lot of cute stuff,” he finally said. “Which I love, and find fitting. So maybe go out of your comfort zone a bit? Explore your scary side?”
“Scary side?” Elle looked at him with her eyebrows raised and a smirk on her lips. Tao rolled his eyes.
“It’s almost Halloween. Perfect for painting scary things.”
“Right, right,” Elle said, looking back to the pumpkin as her voice trailed off. Then she grabbed a few tubes of the paint and added some of each to the palette.
“I guess you’ve decided on a design?” Tao asked, watching her pick up a medium brush and dip it in the green paint, then the blue. Elle nodded as she started dotting the paint on the pumpkin, mixing it right on the smooth surface. The technique created various streaks and shades of each color. “Want to talk about it?” he added after she didn’t respond further, already lost in the painting. She then dipped her brush in the yellow paint, then added some black to the mix.
“Elle? Elle!” Tao smiled, loving how focused she could get while working. He finally gently rested his hand on her shoulder; a soft touch always brought her back.
“Did I zone out? Sorry,” she said, her paintbrush stilling.
“No need to apologize. You know I love watching you like that.” His voice had gone uncharacteristically soft. Both the words and his tone made her duck her head, smiling. Tao looked at her for a moment, then cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just wanted to ask if there was anything I could do to help.”
“Mmmm? Oh, yeah!” Elle looked up, running her hands over the limited selection of paintbrushes until she found one similar to the one she was already using. She handed it to him, and picked her own back up.
“I’m just working on the background right now,” she explained, dipping her brush in the blue and black paints. “Just kind of take colors at random and mix them on the pumpkin for different green-ish colors. So it looks kind of marbled. Like this.” She demonstrated, mixing the colors into the green she had added earlier, creating a teal and green gradient.
Tao grabbed a tiny amount of blue and green on his brush, and painted them on the surface, watching them mix slightly. Elle watched, her smile refusing to fade.
“Just like that!” she commented, adding more paint to her brush. “Use any of the colors; they’ll all mix together well. And keep your layers thin so they’ll dry fast.”
“You got it, boss,” Tao said, tossing her a wink. Elle just laughed.
They fell silent as they painted, both concentrating on the task at hand. Once the greens layer was mostly finished, Tao went around to smooth over messy transitions and cover any orange that peaked through too-thin layers of paint. Elle added some red and purple paint to their palette, and mixed a dark gray. She began using those colors to add flowers all over the green background. Tao, deciding the work had officially gotten too technical for him, set his brush in the cup of water and sat back, content to watch Elle work.
Eventually, he took out his phone and attached his earphones. Wordlessly, Elle held out her hand for one and tucked it into her ear. It was a well-practiced dance they had already gotten used to in their time together. She did, however, shoot him a long-suffering look when the Scream score began. But she preferred to paint to instrumental music (and had the Spotify stats to prove it) and this was as good as anything.
After Elle decided there was a sufficient number of flowers on the pumpkin, she added more purple and black paint to the palette. This time, she was switching out her paintbrush frequently, using different sizes for certain textures and details. From where he sat, Tao couldn’t really see what she was painting, only the colors she reached for. As she worked, her brows became furrowed in concentration and she seemed to lose track of where they were.
The time passed quickly as she worked. Tao kept himself busy watching her work, and occasionally adding more paint or refreshing the rise water when needed. As it got closer to their designated meeting time with the others, he worried he would have to text the group that they would be late. Fortunately, before it got too close to call, she set down her brushes and stared at the pumpkin, her eyes seeming to glaze over.
“I think… I’m done,” she finally said, as she grabbed her brush to add a few more flecks of paint. Tao chuckled at that.
“Are you sure? Could I see?” he asked, suppressing a grin.
“Yes. And yes.” She smiled at him, dropping all her used brushes in the water. With a dramatic flourish, she flipped the pumpkin so he could see what she had spent most of the time on. Surrounded by the red and purple roses, a black cat stirred something in a cauldron. The cat appeared to be smiling. Smoke drifted off the surface of the cauldron, a faint outline of a cat skull in the wisps. “I went with scary-cute,” she said after a few moments, biting her lip as she watched Tao study her work.
“It’s amazing!” Tao said, a broad grin on his face. “I love the texture and details on the cat’s face. And the smoke looks so realistic. The colors are perfect.”
“Thank you.” She took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Now what?”
“I think we take it back to the front booth? Hold on; I’ll go ask.” Tao stood up and went to hunt down a volunteer. As he went, he unhooked the earbuds from his phone and wrapped them up before shoving both into his pocket. Elle watched him for a moment, then tried to clean up their table a little. Before too long, Tao was back.
“We just need to actually fill out that form, then bring it up, with the painted pumpkin, to the booth we got it from. They’ll take care of everything else, including clean-up,” he explained, taking the form out of his pocket. Elle nodded, so he went to fill it out while Elle took pictures of her work.
“Does it have a name? They ask for the name of the painting.”
“Put whatever.” Elle shrugged, then looked over Tao’s shoulder at the form. “Did you actually write ‘whatever?’” She rolled her eyes.
“No. I wrote ‘Whatever Witch Cat,’” Tao said, scribbling in the last two words.
“You exhaust me.”
“Rude!”
“Hurry up.” Elle nudged him with her shoulder. “We have to meet the others in… shoot. Seven minutes.” She stood up and slung her bag over her shoulder, while Tao signed the form and stood too. Elle picked up the pumpkin by the stem, carefully supporting the bottom with her other hand for their walk to the drop-off table.
“Thanks for participating! We’ll contact the winners next week,” the person at the front table said, taking the stuff from them and adding it to the others collected behind them.
They both threw a quick “cheers!” over their shoulders as they walked away, hands clasped together.
“Do you think I actually have a chance at winning?” Elle asked after a few minutes of silence.
“What? Of course! Your work was beautiful,” Tao said with no hesitation.
“I guess. But so were a lot of the others…”
“Hey.” Tao stopped walking and pulled her off the path, stopping behind a few booths out of the sight of people passing by. He pulled her close. “Listen. I may be biased, but I think yours was the coolest there. And even if it’s not, who cares? You made something cool that you’re proud of, and that’s all that matters.”
Elle smiled, wrapping her arms around his waist and leaning into his touch. “You’re right.”
“I usually am.” He smiled, leaving one hand on the small of her back, while the other traveled up to cup her cheek. He stood on tiptoes to pull her into a kiss, carefully leaning against the wall behind them.
“Don’t we have to meet the others?” Elle asked, pulling back just enough to speak; their foreheads were still touching.
“What?” Tao asked, trying to pull her closer again. “Oh, right.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek, then back to her lips, then down her jaw. “Should we go?” he murmured against her skin.
“I think we’re good to be a few minutes late,” Elle said with a small smirk, leaning into his touch.
🍂🍃🍂
“Darcy! Darcy, please wait up!” Tara called, trying to keep an eye on the bright blonde head of hair darting away. Darcy looked over her shoulder, a wide smile on her face.
“It’s not my fault you’re slow!” she said, turning back just in time to avoid running into someone passing her. “Sorry!” she called as she stepped to one side and paused, waiting for Tara to catch up with her.
“I swear, one of these days I’m going to get you one of those leash backpacks.”
“Kinky.” Darcy gave an exaggerated waggle of her eyebrows.
“Don’t you have to run off again?” Tara asked, suppressing her smile.
“Yeah! It’s this way!” Darcy grabbed her hand and pulled Tara along. She couldn’t help but laugh at her girlfriend’s antics. She trailed after Darcy, barely catching sight of the games, food, or activities each booth was offering before they passed it.
“Darce, did you have a particular destination in mind?” Tara finally asked, once they passed what looked like a particularly good funnel cake booth.
“We’re almost there!” She slowed slightly, looking around to find the specific game she wanted. “There!” She darted forward, Tara’s hand sliding out of her grasp. She stopped in front of a larger booth. Tara walked forward to join her, looking inside to see what the game was.
“Really?” She furrowed her brows. “This is what we booked it all the way over here for?” The game was simple; the type with a bunch of differently shaped jars and glasses, with the aim of throwing a ball to land in a specific jar. They were arranged in three tiers. It wasn’t anything special, and she didn’t think Darcy was particularly fond of it either. Hence the confusion.
“The game? Technically, yes. But in all actuality, I’m here for that.” With a flourish, she pointed to one of the prizes hanging from the booth’s ceiling. Tara’s jaw dropped when she saw the stuffed koala wearing a vampire costume.
“Oh my god, that’s so cute,” she said in a rush. Darcy smiled broadly, crossing her arms as she looked at Tara in triumph.
“Exactly. They posted it online last week. I saw it, thought of you, and begged them to hold it for us. We’re winning it.”
“You’re too sweet.” Tara giggled, pressing her face into Darcy’s shoulder. “And powerful.”
“Tell me something I don’t know. Come on, we’re on a time limit here.” Darcy patted her back.
“Wouldn’t it be easier - and cheaper -” she added, after seeing the prices per play - “to just find one online?”
“Maybe? But where’s the fun in that?” Darcy reached into her pocket and pulled out a tiny bag full of euros.
“You’re so on,” Tara said, narrowing her eyes. They each grabbed the needed coins and leapt into action.
“Babe, you know the ball is supposed to land in a jar, right?” Darcy asked a few minutes later. They had both already gone through quite a few chances, and neither had gotten close to scoring.
“Like you’re one to talk,” Tara said with a scoff as she tossed another ball. She groaned as it bounced off the edge of a jar, then promptly bounced to the ground and away. She winced as she watched one of the volunteers chase after it. “You know we’re aiming for the top tier, right?” The jars of the game were arranged into three tiers, and the highest tier was where they needed to score to get the coveted koala.
“I am aiming for the top tier!” Darcy sounded indignant as her face drew into a pout.
“Oh, honey.” Tara reached to pat her on the back. She stifled a laugh as Darcy threw another ball with way too high of an arch, leading it to bounce right out of a jar, and around a few others, before it went flying away from the booth. She threw a muffled “sorry!” as they watched it bounce far away from the confines of the game.
“Hold up, maybe I can help,” Tara offered.
“You haven’t gotten one either!”
“I’ve gotten close, thank you very much!” Tara stuck her tongue out at her, earning a laugh from Darcy.
“Fine, show me your ways, princess,” she said, adding extra emphasis to the last word.
“Princess? I could get used to that.” Tara winked, moving to stand behind Darcy. She wrapped her right arm around Darcy’s, taking her wrist. “Be more gentle. You want distance, not height.”
“I think you had an ulterior motive here, Jonsey,” Darcy said, leaning back into her touch.
“Focus, Olsson.” She pressed a kiss to Darcy’s shoulder. “Plenty of time for that later.”
“And how am I supposed to focus now?” Darcy asked. She tried to turn around, but Tara held her in place.
“Gentle throws. Don’t put a lot of muscle into it. Here.” Tara handed her one of the balls from the basket at their feet. “Try one with me.” She gently guided her arms back, then forward. At the height of the throw, she whispered “now” into Darcy’s ear. They watched the ball soar through the air, and bounce right off the top layer of jars.
“Fuck,” Darcy said, her shoulders sagging in defeat.
“Darcy,” Tara admonished with a giggle. “There’s children here.”
“What? I only said it once.”
Tara rolled her eyes, a fond smile on her face. “We’re getting closer. Let’s try again, with a little more force this time. We make a good team.”
Darcy smiled back, then got in position to make another throw. Unfortunately, the next few were just shy of where they needed to be. Worse still, they were quickly running low on chances, and time.
Both girls took a deep breath before gearing up to throw the next ball, one of three they had left. Tara squinted, staring directly at a particular jar that looked a bit wider than the others. She adjusted their position slightly, then drew back their still-linked arms to throw.
And they watched it sail right into the mouth of the jar, bouncing a few times. But it stayed.
“Yes!” Darcy yelled, punching both fists into the air. Tara laughed, throwing both her arms back around Darcy’s waist.
“Congrats, girls!” a volunteer watching them said. “You can pick any-”
“The koala!” Darcy cut them off, darting up to the booth and pointing towards the stuffed animal.
“Sorry, we’re just really excited because they’re my favorite animal, so…” Tara tried to explain, joining Darcy at the front of the booth. “I think she reserved it online?”
The volunteer laughed. “Happens all the time. Let me get it down for you.” They grabbed a small step stool, and used it to carefully unhook the toy from the ceiling, and carried it back down.
“Here you go! One koala,” they said, handing it to Darcy.
“Thank you!” Tara exclaimed, immediately grabbing it from Darcy.
“Hey! No sharing?” she protested.
“Not this time.” Tara tightly wrapped her arms around it, hugging it close to her chest.
“Fine.” Darcy grabbed their nearly empty bucket and handed it back to the volunteer, thanking them. She nudged Tara’s shoulder with her own. “Now we gotta head back. I bet Nick we would beat him and Charlie back.”
“Must everything be a competition?
“Yes. Yes, it must.”
“I think I regret introducing you two sometimes.” And with that, they ran off back towards the picnic tables.
🍂🍃🍂
“Slow down, Char! I’m trying to eat here!” Nick called, jogging after Charlie through the loose crowd. One hand held a plate with a funnel cake loaded with powdered sugar, while the other attempted to eat as he chased his boyfriend down the path.
“We’re not going to have enough time to get through the maze now,” Charlie fretted, tossing a glance over his shoulder towards Nick. He finally caught up to Charlie and abandoned the attempt to eat while they moved, taking his hand instead.
“Sorry, Char. I just had to stop for this!” They kept moving, slowing slightly as they neared the maze site.
“Yeah, yeah. The line looked shorter than it actually was.” But his words were softened with a smile as he squeezed Nick’s hand.
“Those kids just couldn’t make up their mind…”
“Like you weren’t just as bad,” Charlie said, motioning to the plate Nick held in his other hand.
“Funnel cakes are a festival staple, Charles! It’s not my fault the man had so many toppings to choose from!”
“And yet you went with powdered sugar…”
“It’s a classic!” Nick defended his choice. Charlie smirked, but reached out to break off a piece and shoved it in his mouth in lieu of a response. “Sure, sure. Bully me for getting it, and yet.”
“Oi. Who’s bullying you?” Charlie asked, wiping some powdered sugar off his lip. Nick just shook his head, continuing to walk in the direction of the corn maze. Or so he thought.
“You’re going to get us lost in there, aren’t you?” Charlie asked. Nick huffed.
“Jerk. We’re not even there yet, and you’re already doubting my navigational abilities?”
“I absolutely am.” Charlie giggled, giving Nick’s hand a squeeze. Nick retaliated by pulling his hand back.
“Nope. No affection for those that mock me.”
Charlie slowed, one hand going to rest on Nick’s upper arm until both boys stopped walking. His gaze dropped to meet Charlie’s, who was looking at him with a soft smile and his head cocked to one side. “Really? Even me?” he asked, his voice quiet and a little breathy.
Nick swallowed, his eyes unfocusing slightly as he felt his face heat up. Then he glared at Charlie, one arm looping around his waist. “You just love to play dirty, don’t you?” Charlie’s smile grew wider as he took a step closer to Nick.
“I mean, if you’re offering…”
“Charles!”
“Nicholas?”
Nick just rolled his eyes and pressed a kiss to Charlie’s forehead before stepping back. “I swear…” He took Charlie’s hand and again began walking towards the maze.
“Uh, baby? You know it’s that way, right?” Charlie said, using their joined hands to point down a path they had just passed. He pressed his lips together to keep from laughing when Nick paused, closed his eyes, and heaved a deep sigh.
“Well that’s not fair; you had me distracted,” Nick exclaimed when he heard a giggle escape Charlie’s lips.
“Oh, I’m distracting?” Charlie asked, pulling Nick down the right path.
“Very.” Nick trailed after Charlie, his eyes on the boy in front of him.
“That’s good to know.” Charlie turned back with a wink. Nick just laughed, caught up in the euphoria of being together.
“I’m starting to think getting lost in there may not be so bad,” Nick admitted with a smile. They were in front of the maze entrance now, waiting for their turn to enter. To keep the maze from getting too crowded, only a few people were let in. It was almost their turn. While they waited, they traded bites of the food, breaking off pieces in between their conversation.
Charlie just raised an eyebrow. “I’m not explaining that one to Tao when he asks why we’re late.”
Nick huffed. “He’ll figure it out,” he muttered. Charlie smiled, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend’s waist.
“Is someone just trying to get out of the haunted house later?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Nick’s face grew flushed as Charlie bit back a laugh.
“Don’t worry, baby; I’ll protect you.” Charlie’s tone was only slightly mocking.
“Why do I feel that ‘baby’ there was only partially in the pet name sense?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You are so mean to me.”
“Fine; you can go first in the haunted house and I’ll hang back with Isaac.”
“And you can cuddle yourself on the way home.”
“I will gladly stand between you and any horrifyingly costumed actors.”
“That’s all I ask.” Nick leaned down to give Charlie a chaste kiss on the lips, which he happily returned. A moment after they somewhat reluctantly broke apart, the volunteer ushered them forward.
“Ready to get lost?” Nick asked, gently pulling him forward.
“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Charlie declared, following Nick into the maze. His bravado lasted up until they made a few turns throughout the maze, and only seemed to get deeper into it without any sign of getting closer to the exit.
“I told you we should’ve gone left back there,” Nick said. He was walking behind Charlie now, his expression smug and his arms crossed. Charlie had been steadily leading them through the maze, but he was slowly realizing he didn’t know as much about this as he thought.
“Piss off,” Charlie muttered, studying the path around them. All the walls looked the same.
“We’ve passed that scarecrow twice now,” Nick pointed ahead, where, sure enough, a scarecrow was propped up in a more open area.
“We are not going in circles.”
“I think, technically, we’re going in squares. Or rectangles, more accurately.”
“I will leave you in the maze.”
“At this rate, we’ll both be here quite a while.”
Charlie didn’t respond, just gave an indignant huff as he marched forward. He did turn left where Nick had indicated. Nick followed, a small smirk on his lips as he noticed the change in direction. After the silence between them lasted a beat too long, Nick darted forward to catch up and wrapped his arms around Charlie from behind. Charlie huffed again.
“Cuddles won’t fix everything, you know.” But his words held no heat, and Nick noticed he didn’t try to shrug out of the hold.
“That is a vicious lie I refuse to believe,” Nick said, his voice soft and his lips right next to Charlie’s ear. Charlie giggled.
“Well when you say it like that…” He stopped walking and turned to face Nick, tucking himself into his boyfriend’s chest. Nick grinned and tugged at him slightly, stepping off the path a bit so others could still pass them. Not that there was anyone else around.
“We’re stuck, aren’t we?” Charlie muttered, his voice muffled by Nick’s jumper.
“Afraid so.” He chuckled, running a hand through Charlie’s curls. “But there’s only so many directions to go, right? We’ll figure it out.”
“Stop being logical when I’m lamenting my troubles.”
Nick just laughed, pulling Charlie closer and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He then stepped back, reaching down to take his hand. “Come on baby, let’s get going. We have to meet the others in… fifteen minutes.”
“That ‘baby’ was only partially a pet name, wasn’t it?”
“Let’s keep going this way? I think it’s the way out!” Nick called in lieu of an answer, pulling Charlie behind him as he began walking at a rapid pace through the maze again.
“I cannot believe I put up with this,” Charlie muttered with a roll of his eyes just loud enough for Nick to hear.
“Yeah, yeah. Like you don’t love me.”
“And what if I do?”
Nick paused, taking another turn through the maze. He was greeted with a break in the walls straight ahead; the clear exit to the maze. “Well, you’re certainly about to now.” Nick pointed towards the exit, smiling hugely.
“My hero!” Charlie wrapped his arms around Nick’s waist, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“Someone has to be the brains in the relationship.”
“I have to let you feel smart once in a while,” Charlie quipped back as they exited the maze.
“Wow. Hurtful.”
“Looks like we have a few minutes before we need to head back. Any ideas?”
“I can think of a few.” Nick squeezed his hand as they walked away from the maze. He pointed a few spots down, where a group of laughing girls were climbing out of a photo booth, clustering around to view the photos.
“Race you!” Charlie dropped Nick’s hand and took off.
“Oi! No fair!” Nick followed, unable to catch up.
“Not my fault you’re slow,” Charlie quipped as he slid a bill into the machine and climbed in. “Sit with me?”
“Always.” Nick smiled, sliding in right next to Charlie. His favorite place in the world.
🍂🍃🍂
“Isaac!” Darcy called as she jogged up to the picnic table he had been camped at for the last hour. She slid onto the table next to him, resting her feet on the bench. He had been typing on his phone, but tucked it away when the two arrived. Tara sat next to Issac on the bench, Darcy’s legs on either side of her.
“Hey Darcy! Tara. How were the games?”
“Just one game. The actual goal was to win this.” Tara held up the stuffed animal she had been holding, then laid it down in her lap.
“That’s definitely worth playing a few rounds of festival games for,” Isaac agreed, looking at the toy.
“Always,” Darcy quickly cut in. “Are we the first ones back?”
Isaac paused, looking around the table that was otherwise empty. “Unless everyone else has turned invisible, it looks like it. I’m sure Nick will be crushed that he lost.”
“Damn right. Now that’s the goal!”
Tara rolled her eyes, but held up her hand to accept the high five from Darcy. “How was your book?”
“Well, I finished it. So I didn’t have much to do other than people-watch.”
“You didn’t bring a second one? Rookie mistake,” Darcy chided him, drawing a laugh.
“I know, I know. I should know better by now. But I was able to start jotting down notes for my review, so that was something.” He shrugged.
“Ooo! How’s that going?” Tara asked. She wasn’t as much of a reader as Isaac, but she loved hearing his thoughts on the books he read. They fell into an easy conversation about the series, a childhood favorite of both of them. Darcy just listened to the conversation, gently playing with Tara’s hair as the two spoke.
As the others were too absorbed in their conversation, Darcy was the first to notice Nick and Charlie speeding towards their table. Nick’s face fell once he saw her, and realized they had not beaten the girls back. Darcy just laughed.
“Nicholas! Charles!” she called, standing up and waving her arms in the air.
“I have no part in this,” Charlie said, dropping Nick’s hand to hold up his own in surrender.
“You had me distracted,” Nick pouted, dropping on the bench opposite Tara. Charlie sat next to him. Darcy laughed again, sitting on the bench next to Tara and putting an arm around her shoulders.
“You’re the one that insisted we do another set of photos after the first ones were all…” he trailed off, his cheeks going pink, and not from the cold.
“I have no idea where that sentence was going. Could you clarify?” Isaac deadpanned.
“My mum’s been asking for a picture of us, okay?” Nick took Charlie’s hand.
“Oh, anything for Sarah.” The others chorused their agreement.
“Where are Tao and Elle?” Nick asked, hoping to get the conversation onto a different topic. “Did they go up for food already?”
“I haven’t seen them,” Isaac said with a shrug.
“They’re late? That’s not like Elle,” Tara said.
Darcy laughed. “Probably just got distracted.”
“I cannot go anywhere with you. Collective you.” Isaac rolled his eyes.
“Hey, we were on time!” Nick defended.
“Barely.” Isaac laughed.
“Well we arrived with plenty of time to spare,” Darcy cut in.
“Yeah, yeah,” Nick grumbled. “Keep bragging.”
“Wanna bet on how much longer they’ll be?”
“You two really have to make everything a competition, don’t you?” Charlie asked, bumping Nick’s shoulder with his own.
“You’re on,” Nick said, like Charlie hadn’t spoken.
“They’ll be at least five more minutes,” Darcy decided, after checking the time on her phone.
“Just one minute is my guess,” Nick countered, barely fighting back a laugh.
“You’re on.”
Charlie rolled his eyes, resting his head on Nick’s shoulder. Darcy began to scan the area around them, looking for the final two to arrive.
“Hey Elle! Hey Tao!” Charlie said just a moment later, as they walked up to the table.
“You saw them coming, didn’t you?” Darcy asked, glaring at Nick.
“I will not reveal my secrets.”
“You’re late back,” Charlie said, cutting off the bickering.
“Sorry, we uh, we…” Tao said, trying to think of an excuse. “We were just looking at some stuff on the way back. And lost track of time. Yeah.”
Darcy laughed. “Is that what they’re calling it now? Did you two get distracted?” She raised her eyebrows, a smirk on her lips.
“Yep!” Elle said cheerily with a shrug. Tao blushed, hiding his face in her curls.
“Alright, alright. Let’s quit picking on each other. I’m hungry,” Isaac said, standing up. A few others murmured their agreement.
“Please,” Nick agreed. “Tara, Darce, do you two want to stay and watch the table? We can grab your food.”
“Ah, my hard-earned rest!” Darcy said, propping her feet up on the bench across from her. Tara just shot her a look.
“Sure. Text you our orders?”
Nick nodded, then grabbed Charlie’s hand and pulled him to his feet and followed Isaac towards the food trucks, Tao and Elle trailing behind them.
While the others waited in line for the food, Tara and Darcy stayed at the table, passing the time by debating names for the new koala. Unfortunately for them, there was a lot of time to kill while waiting, as their plans for the day had them getting dinner along with most other festival attendees. It went quick, as they chatted and took ridiculous photos of themselves and each other, sending them in their already overloaded group chat. After the long wait, everyone had their food, and they headed back to the table.
“Your pizza,” Elle said, placing Tara’s order in front of her on the table.
“And your burger,” Tao finished, handing Darcy the plate. She immediately set it down and went for a big bite of the burger, followed by a handful of chips. Everyone else sat down and began eating their meal.
“How much time until the haunted house?” Nick tried to ask, but it didn’t sound very clear around his mouthful of food. Charlie just gave him a pointed look. Nick winced and quickly swallowed the food, then took a sip of his drink before speaking again. “Sorry. How much time is left?”
“Ten minutes,” Elle answered, after glancing at her watch.
“Shit. Eat fast,” Isaac said, then - taking his own advice - finished off his sandwich in one large bite.
“You gonna be ready, Nicky?” Charlie asked, a teasing tone in his voice.
“Can’t talk right now, gotta finish my food.” He used one hand to gather a mouthful of chips while the other flicked Charlie off.
“Rude,” Charlie said, before taking another bite of his pizza.
“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you,” Darcy said with a laugh.
“The power of lesbians,” Tara agreed.
“No one will get between me and Darcy,” Charlie said, giving her a high five.
“What did I get myself into?” Nick asked as he finished his food.
“You’re about to find out, Nelson,” Tao said, standing up as he noticed everyone was done eating. “Now let’s go. We have just enough time to get there.”
Nick groaned, but stood as well and helped gather the trash from the table so they could toss it on their way to the last attraction. Everyone else followed suit, making quick work of cleaning the table.
“Don’t worry, Nick. It’s only an hour long!” Elle said, looping her arm around his shoulders.
“How bad can it really be?” Isaac asked, bumping Nick’s shoulder with his own.
“That sounds like a challenge,” Charlie said, squeezing between the two and taking Nick’s hand.
“Please don’t make it one,” Nick muttered as they joined the queue.
did the love affair maim you too?: a story inspired by “all too well (ten minute version)”
i still remember
and how we glistened as i fell...
They say you never remember something the same way twice. Each time you think of something past, what you recall is from the last time you thought of it. Each time, more of the event or person is lost. You slowly lose pieces of it; memories can’t be trusted. But when you lose a person, whether losing touch or death or they were just never meant to be a permanent part of your life in the first place, memories are all you have left.
After David, Mia’s memories swirl through her head, a mixture of fact and fiction, their first meeting to their breakup, and the aftermath. Everything she remembers, everything she doesn’t, is all she has left of him. She clings to every memory she has of him, unable to let go. Because everything, the fights, the laughter, the unadmitted love, the support, the adventures, the letting go, are all she has. And she remembers it, all too well.
TW: mentions of alcohol, hinted emotional abuse (including gaslighting), age gap relationship. Message for more information or a missed trigger.
read on: (ao3) (wattpad)
note: this is not, in any way, meant to be a story about Taylor’s life. It is simply her words that inspired mine. Any connection to any actual event is entirely coincidental.
isn’t it so pretty to think?: a heartstopper fanfic based on “invisible string” by taylor swift
all along, there was some invisible string
tying you to me...
When Charlie Spring is assigned to sit next to Nick Nelson in their new form group, neither is sure what to make of the other. He seems funny, and nice. Before too long, a friendship is formed that may become something more.
Fate has a funny way of working out, and sometimes paths cross before you're ready. A red string of fate, meddling hands creating a careful dance, tracing the way together and apart. That cold January day isn't the first time their strings have tangled.
It's just the first knot.
TW: mild description of injury (sports related). message for further information or for a missed trigger
1989, a concept. a story. a love lost. a love found.
a few days ago dani aka @ofrunningfoxes started doing what came to be called “taylor universes” which was basically taking the phenomenal worlds taylor builds in her songs and personifying them, interpreting them in different ways. and i’ve been inspired by songs and lyrics for decades now, using them to write or draw or paint or whatever the fuck i feel like creating in the moment. but the whole concept of that basically got me to thinking a LOT about the 1989 album in particular, because the secret messages really lend to such a storyline. so i decided to flesh that one out for myself.
prose/poem thing of sorts interpreting each song on the 1989 album as one story in a particular woman’s journey to finding herself. under the cut.
part i, we begin our story in new york
“Welcome to New York” is light and excitement. Many are intimidated by her, yet everyone longs to make her their home. But she won’t open up to just anyone; you have to earn your right to know her. Through her heartbreaks and success and losses and gains and adventures, she’s built a life she’s proud of. But maybe it’s about to come tumbling down.
part ii, there once was a girl known by everyone and no one
Everyone thinks they know her, but few are right. The rumors swirled around so much, spun a story of someone she never wanted to be, that eventually that’s who she had to become. Her life moves so quickly even she can’t keep up with it. Dolled up in black lace and red lipstick, she falls fast, hard, and often, opening up her heart to anyone who promises to stay for the weekend. Or maybe forever.
part iii, her heart belonged to someone who couldn’t stay
All she wants is anything that promises to be something. Flying through lovers faster than a car speeding through the black night, she knows she’s not the only one that’s been in this passenger seat lately. But this is who she is, and why bother changing when it’s never worked out otherwise? She is fun. She is freedom. Who wouldn’t want her?
part iv, they loved each other recklessly
Freedom comes with a price. It all moved too fast and the fears she tried to ignore for so long came back to haunt her, old terrors appearing in her rearview mirror. Mascara streaks running down her previously perfect made-up face, destroying the perfect image she had created for herself. She one lived in colors, red love becoming orange warnings fading to yellow caution, a false alarm of green calm leading to the saddest blue deepening to a purple she wasn’t quite sure how to be proud of. But now it’s faded. And so is she.
part v, they paid the price
She wanted to stay, but she’s never been one who stays. Some reason or another caused her to leave, even though the voice in her head screams at her to stay. She feels like a mess now, broken pieces scattered all over the floor that she keeps stepping on, adding more scars to the pile on her shattered heart. It could’ve been so simple. But that’s not how you learn.
part vi, she danced to forget him
Rumors lead to more rumors. No matter what she does, it seems there’s a new one every night, from someone pretending they know who she is based on one story or conversation. She does her best to pay it no mind, instead making her own soundtrack as she goes about the life she’s built for herself. It’s lonely and she’s looking for something new to make it otherwise, but it’s hers.
part vii, he drove past her street each night
You can’t find something new until you say goodbye to the old. She longs for what she once had, even though what it was is not what it will ever be. She regrets her choice to turn away, to pretend she didn’t care as much as she did. But that’s what’s gotten her hurt before and she can’t let it happen again. She still wishes on stars, hoping for another chance at a happy ending.
part viii, she made friends and enemies
But happy endings don’t dome without a lot of trial and error. Sometimes you trust the wrong people, and it ends up giving you more scars when you thought it was healing them. So much betrayal can make a woman hard. She feels broken beyond repair. Shiny becomes dull, strong becomes weak. Did it have to go so deep?
part ix, he only saw her in his dreams
She began living through her dreams. What wasn’t real couldn’t hurt her. As the sun fades so does reality, setting her up for another adventure, creating something that’ll end as just a memory, blurring the line between fiction and reality. Maybe it’s pretend, maybe it’s familiar, maybe it’s exactly what she needs to become okay again, comfortable in her own self.
part x, then one day he came back
But the rain isn’t done just yet. Ghosts from her past are still there. Healing isn’t linear, and there’s more than one shot at happiness when you’re learning how to love again. The broken pieces that once cut her are being put back together. She won’t be picture perfect ever again. But perfect isn’t real, and it’s not worth waiting for or working for if it’s not real.
part xi, timing is a funny thing
It’s hard to know when it’s right, when it’s real. Sometimes you just have to hope for that. And hidden in the ethereal hopes for her future is freedom, perhaps with her love by her side. The one challenge is getting your heart in just the right place as the other’s. That’s where she struggles. Keeping her heart safe has been all she knows for so long, but just when she wasn’t expecting the return it proved to be just what she needed.
part xii, and everyone was watching
How do you keep a fragile thing safe? It has to be kept hidden, safe, away from the weight of the world where cruel truths and comforting lies can’t hurt it. But something can’t flourish when it’s hidden away. Being locked away can be good for some time. It can give you the space you need to heal, but before too long the fear of being found out can hurt the healing. She was never meant to be hidden away. She was meant to thrive.
part xiii, she lost him but she found herself and somehow that was everything
Back and forth, forth and back, start to finish, finish to start. Present and past all blurring together, creating a haze that reminds her of everything she’s overcome. Surviving wasn’t easy. Looking around at the former mess that surrounded her, that enveloped her, she realized all along she didn’t need some great outside love to heal her, to help her, to love her. She could do that all on her own. The only one she ever needed to love her, was herself.
i didn’t expect the last words i had for you to be so freeing
I know I don’t move on or let go easily. Trust me, I know. It’s excessive how long I hold onto a friendship that isn’t working or a great love that stopped being great or a small crush. But you were anything but small.
I really think I’ve let you go. I know it took me long enough. But all the love in my stupid little heart isn’t for you anymore. Some of it still is, of course. A part of me will always love a part of you, or what I wanted you to be, or all of you. I like it that way. I loved you so strongly, and I don’t want to lose that love I am capable of. We’ll always be something, you and me. I’m not clamoring for a definition anymore. I do miss you, and I do love you. But that doesn’t mean you should come back.
A few nights ago I had one of the best nights of my life. It was silly. Time creating with new friends, reuniting with old ones, all with a band and a song and someone I’m so, so proud of sharing his accomplishments with us. A night full of laughter and happy tears and smiling at old pictures, rolling on the floor of my childhood bedroom shaking with laughter because I was so full of joy I couldn’t hold it in.
And I didn’t want to share it with you. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to feel that much joy always. I want you happy, or at least working towards it. I’m just thinking of all the times I felt something so strongly, and yet all I could think of was how much I wanted to share it with you.
I texted you in tears immediately after one of my biggest disappointments because you could make me smile through that just by being you.
I graduated from college and wished one of the congratulatory hugs was from you, but your message was enough.
I was crushed under the weight of too much anxiety and your kindness lifted me out.
I was flush with the joy of a new job and your pride made me stronger.
I was full of loss and regret and your strength inspired me to keep going.
I don’t think I was ever able to put into words what you meant to me. Maybe one day you’ll read this and smile at the memories, like I am now. Maybe you’ve forgotten and they’re just mine to carry. That’s okay. I’ll keep them safe for both of us.
I didn’t realize until today, two weeks later, that I still haven’t told you about that joy I felt that night. I didn’t think I could be happy without you. But I can think of you without it hurting. A part of me still wants you. But I don’t need you. And that’s for the best.
I really do hope you’re happy now. All your demons at bay, your bright future in sight. Everything I wanted for you and everything you deserved with you or in arms reach.
We had a good run, didn’t we? Didn’t we? Didn’t we? Did we?
To tell you the truth, I’m not sure anymore. When it comes to you I’m not sure of anything anymore. Maybe I never was.
When we first started speaking, I loved you. Yes, even then. It was stupid and crazy and fast but the words flowed easily and I never wanted to stop hearing from you. Each thing you said, each part of you that opened up, I treasured. I didn’t know what I meant to you, but I knew you were meant to be in my life. I thought it was just a question of how, or maybe what. How much I meant to you, what I needed from you, how long until something happened, what I could do to earn your trust. Questions I’m still looking for the answers to.
Because I forgot about the “when.” When you would be ready, when my feelings would be solid, when I’d ask and you’d say yes. That moment never came. Timing is one hell of a funny thing, and as more passed I could feel what could’ve been slipping away.
And I know “could’ve beens” are useless. There’s only what is and what isn’t. No amount of wishing or imagining the one thing that could change everything will actually give me what could’ve been. Because it’s not really, never was, and never will be. It’s just a romanticized idea of a perfect world where our hearts were in the right place.
I could feel you slipping away. I started letting go first. I had to protect myself, you see.
I used to text you good morning because you were the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes. But then the thoughts stopped being good.
I used to text you good night because I loved ending my days by talking to you. But then I grew tired of endings.
I kept asking because I wanted to know as much about you as you wanted to share. But then I realized how little I truly knew you.
I feel like there’s so much you never talked about with me. I understand, some things you just can’t talk about. And I’m not here to be your therapist, though you never asked me to be and I’m not sure if I really offered. Even still, I don’t know what I am here for. I shouldn’t have to beg for your attention. I’m tired of unasked questions and unanswered texts and being shrugged off and brushed aside.
You don’t love me the way I love you. I’m working on accepting that.
But I have a new question for you: do you love me at all?
