Just knowing isn’t the hardest part…
Seeing you for the first time in 74 days. Wasn’t what I thought it would be. I laid eyes on you and felt it in my gut. Something was different something had changed. The something wasn’t hard to place. I had been here before. This feeling, I have come to know so well. I have come to hate. So tell me what’s her name? That’s all I really wanted to say.
Some time around day break along the longest 7 hour drive of my life. I finely said, please I ask one thing. Respect me enough to let me hear it from you. Don’t let me hear from someone els first. I work through anything with you. As long as you tell me the truth and let me hear it from you. But truths were just so far from you.
Just before pulling in the drive your word already fell through. The sender unaware who was holding the phone. Who are these ppl and why would they care I’m coming home?
As I walked through the door of what I once called home, i felt sick. Looking around, nothing was the same. Even the pictures on the walls had been changed and rearranged. I searched for all my things, but they were gone. No sign that I even lived here at all. The warm welcoming feeling, that friends and family found inviting, left no trace. I felt as though i walked in to the place where I had been a victim of a home invasion and the perpetrator had raped me. And put all my private intaminets out, a perverse display of what was once beautiful and personal. Looking for explanations like the naked and shamed looked for covering comfort. I find none.
Mothers day I walk through my best friends door. To her surprise she stood there in tears. She knew why I was there. As she gathered herself, I took a seat. Ready to hear what she had to say. She cleared the room of all the other occupants. She said “I fucking hate him. I hate him for what was done. I deserve what ever it is you came for.” I spoke calm although I wanted to I’m cage the rage. “I came for answers. I came for the truths” unable to look me in the eye. With head held low she spoke. I listened, in detail to the encounters of the two of you. Sickened by what I heard, i felt such relief. We sat there in silence and she said “ say something say anything.” “What do i say?” i ask. What’s left to say. I walked away that day knowing I was the better person. Knowing the two of you didn’t deserve me in your life. Although undeserving of such devastation I now knew how strong of a person I really am. I refuse to be bitter because bitter is not better. I forgave her. I’m not sure how or why. I just did. I don’t forgive you. I just simply want to forget you. And I know I will. Bc ppl like you, are all the same. Hard to remember and easy to forget. The only way you and I are alike. Alike only in our differences.
