#shio's thoughts

[sirshio]

No matter how strongly insecure I am about my writing Samuel and other fictional Jews, I won't be worse than a girl from KCD2 zine who wrote that European Jews cultivated the land.

[sirshio]

I want to discuss achievements in RC. Honestly, most often I don't especially care about them. I collect the ones that don't make me change my comfortable reading, the only thing I can do for them is to reread an old story I already enjoy and would like to read again even without achievements.

But there are ones I dislike even despite I'm not going to move a single finger to collect them: achievements tied to LIs. Depending on their type, I find them boring or absolutely loathe them.

Boring: achievements for getting close relationship with one exact LI (for example, LOTW and MB have them - "Kazu's heart", "Max' heart", etc.). I find them just unimaginative.

Irritating: achievements for rereading a story with every single LI. Alice likes these achievements, Arcanum has one, for example. I think this is just cheap baiting for readings.

Ones I loathe: achievements that requiring cheating. ABH has one, for example, you have to romance all demon LIs from it and dump all of them. To my greatest chagrin and even disappointment, my favorite author Yim wasn't immune to this and included "Kissing cohort" (where you need to kiss several LIs at once) in CB. Since I'm painfully monoamorous and faithful both in real life and in games that include romance, I'm biased towards these achievements, but I hate them.

Before you may want to leave a comment: this is my PERSONAL opinion, I have absolutely nothing against authors who write these achievements or players who collecting them.

[sirshio]

I promised you all a long essay on Cavendish and his autism, so here it is. But first, some notes.

Disclaimer number 1: there are headcanons about Cavendish's parents and childhood, but they logically connect to his behavior.

Disclaimer number 2: I'm an autistic person and this essay is about my own experience with this disorder. Though many traits are common for autistic people, it's possible you won't find your issues because I don't have them.

Disclaimer number 3: I'm not a therapist (not a professional one at least, just a huge fan of psychology and a child of a therapist), but I’m a person who deeply relates to Cavendish and wants to share this with fandom.

Disclaimer number 4: English isn't my first language, so sorry for possible mistakes and all this stuff, I’m doing my best.

Well, let's start with something small and not so noticeable and then move to things that are almost impossible not to see.

- his gestures. Not only that moment in "Smooth opera-tor", where he squishes a gummy bear (and Dakota said that he "hypnotized himself"), because I assume that this action is recognizable as pretty autistic without explanations.

Have you noticed how he holds his hands together (what is important, when he was young, too) or clenches them in fists? I'm not sure if these actions do have a name (a type of stimming probably), but I do the same pretty often and in completely different moods, I just like to FEEL my body and my skin, this is a soothing and nice feeling, and when I'm nervous, it helps to calm down a little (let's remember how in "First impressions" Cavendish entered Mr. Block's office).

Another gesture that is important to mention is when Professor Time called him by his name and Cavendish literally squealed and held his hands close to his cheeks (in “Phineas and Ferb effect”). Not sure if this is autistic, but I can relate, so I decided to mention this scene too.

(Him touching and holding Dakota will be in another section, though it's somewhat about gestures too)

- his speech. Again, I have no idea if him using rare words (for example, the word “scrumptious”) is an autistic trait, but I like to do this, mostly because I have a special love for words and I like when my speech is as "bookish" as possible, and him quoting Shakespear “the game is afoot” makes me relate to him too, sometimes I like quoting authors from the past. Another thing that I find important is that Cavendish (unlike Dakota) looks like a well-mannered and polite guy, but sometimes it is Dakota who shows politeness and knows how to talk to people nicely. For example, in "The little engine that couldn't" Dakota uses some polite clichés in his conversation with Milo and confuses Cavendish who understands them literally. Or in “Field of screams” Dakota teaches Cavendish how to ask politely (in the scene with that man who believed in aliens). I think that these two examples show different autistic traits that I have too: understanding everything literally and being (slightly) confused about communicating with other people. Like, why should I ask politely? Why should I be nice to people I don't personally like?

- him listing places where Dakota should've put Time Grenade instead of a hollow pumpkin (in “Milo’s Halloween Scream-a-torium”). Again, I'm not sure if this is autistic, but I can relate, too. I love lists.

- his love for rules. As an autistic person, I like to read rules, to make rules (in the most pedantic way you can imagine) and to follow them (of course, literally) - but I follow only rules I understand and like. So I can relate to young Cavendish enjoying both reading rules for time vehicles and using them, but I can also relate to Cavendish who broke rules and wanted to steal some cool gadgets with Dakota (in “Abducting Murphy’s law”). He doesn't like these rules, that's why he easily disrespects them (and actually likes it). I still don't know why I love rules (and I know this is common for autistic people). Maybe because they help to make life predictable, maybe because they help me to behave "in a proper way" and to be accepted... or both at the same time.

- him talking to himself. Once again, I'm not sure if this is autistic or not, but I do this pretty often.

When I'm excited and/or anxious about doing something new, I often talk to myself, like: "Okay, Shio, let's get going, you can do it!" Remember "First impressions", a scene where young Cavendish sits in his student car and is very proud of himself? The same situation, I think.

- him being a Professor Time fanboy. Remember the scene where our gang visited Doofenshmirtz and Cavendish was so excited about seeing his idol (in “Phineas and Ferb effect”)? Above all, he mentioned he has underwear with Doofenshmirtz's image and offered to show them. Well, it was done as a joke, but this is something I can relate to. If I met my very special idol (I assume that Doof is that figure for Cavendish, he actually said that), I would want to share something personal about myself with them. Not my underwear, of course, but still.

- the way he acts and how he expresses emotions. I believe that's very popular among autistic people, that often it's very hard to suppress our emotions. There are more things that cause emotions (things that are just okay for others), we're somehow more emotional than other people (at least I am) and often don't think if this is appropriate to express these emotions right now. I was told to "act normal and quiet" A LOT of times throughout my entire life, and I only was being sincere with myself and my feelings. Let's look at Cavendish, his emotions and how he expresses them. At the beginning, he seems to be calm and well-mannered, but the more we see, the more we can understand that this is not true. He can pretend to be calm, and the way he does it makes me think that his parents had no idea (and didn't want to have this idea, to be honest) how to raise an autistic child. I'm sure that every time little Cavendish got emotional and was acting "inappropriate" (I say it once more, it's really common for autistic people), he was told to calm down and to be normal. That's why (maybe, but this is my headcanon) he pretends that he's super calm and "above all those sillies". But when he's either in a comfortable situation and feels safe and secure (with Dakota, naturally) or gets really emotional - or both - he lets himself be sincere. He exclaims in joy, he shakes Dakota or holds him close, he acts like a dedicated and overhyped fan (over Professor Time, I mentioned this before).

- him focusing on "wrong" things. Again, that happens with me really often. For example, in “School dance” Mr. Block tells these two to do their job because they have no proof Milo is a special agent, but all that Cavendish got from his speech is that he is allowed to find this proof, because this is what is interesting and important to him, which means he stopped listening after that. I can relate so much!

- his somehow childish behavior, especially in episodes with Dennis, his teddy bear. I found a great post by @heloflor . You SHOULD read it right now, before you end my essay.

Writings and Ramblings

3 things that I absolutely adore about this moment : 1. The fact that Cavendish, a middle-aged man, is seen having a teddy bear as a comfor

Autistic people grow in another way, it's different from other people. In some areas of life we're more mature that other people of our age, and in some we're much more immature. I think this is because autistic children aren't allowed to have a childhood that they need. We're very uncomfortable (because the world is scary, there are loud noises, cars can kill you, being in a crowd is a life-threatening situation) and we can't even help ourselves or even express how afraid we are because This Is Inappropriate. Adults near us don't understand our special interests, they think getting stuck with them is a sign of developmental delay, that we're forever mentally infants. We even can't have our comfort objects that help us to live in this very scary world, because - let's repeat again - This Is Inappropriate. Heloflor wrote a really good post about Cavendish's comfort object, please go and read what he thinks about it!

So, to sum up: Cavendish is not childish, he tries his best to deal with his life, he hasn't really had a childhood and tries to fulfill what he needs now.

Before I'll continue with my analysis of Cavendish's autistic traits, I want to talk about his (pretty low) self-esteem. Of course, it's connected to his mental disability, but it is not the same. As we can see, Cavendish needs praise from someone, he needs to be told that he’s done something right, he can't understand it by himself. He and Dakota saved the world? He can't accept that he did good without praise from Mr. Block. What is also important is how he reacts when someone scolds him (in “Time out” there was a scene where where Cavendish lost a vial of strange liquid that caused rat mutation and Brick scolds him). Just look at him at this moment, he is like a child when his parents are angry at him.

This all makes clear that in his childhood his parents weren't happy with his behavior and never told him anything good about him. If a person can't value themselves, this means their parents didn't value them, didn't love them for who they are (or didn't show this love enough and properly). I believe that it is very difficult for Cavendish to understand that he can be loved because he is, well, Cavendish (NO SHIO PLEASE DON'T QUOTE DAKOTA NO).

When someone has a really low self-esteem, but at the same time has somebody who loves him (as a partner, as a friend, as a relative…), there are several ways to act about that (they may mix). First is to do everything for this person, to become a perfect friend/partner/child/etc. Because only when you're perfect, you deserve love. Always to be by their side, always to understand their feelings (without them telling how they feel), always to share their interests. And I mean always, like, really always. Second is to do something not nice on purpose, something that will annoy this person or make them sad, just to show them that you're NOT nice and do NOT deserve love. (I believe there are more ways, but I know only these two). And I think Cavendish chooses the second way in “Abducting Murphy’s law”, where he loses his temper when Dakota doesn’t believe him.

This whole episode (“Look at this ship”) is another important thing about Cavendish and his autism. First, it seems that Dakota is the closest and the most important person for Cavendish, he believes him, he feels comfortable with him, he feels that Dakota understands him and his special needs (just look at this post about a teddy bear), so it's natural that Cavendish expects Dakota to believe him that he saw an alien ship, but Dakota doesn't, and it's when Cavendish gets emotional and throws a tantrum. I don't excuse him, but I can relate. When someone that is so precious and dear to me, who always understands me, suddenly doesn't believe me, I feel hurt and not needed, I want to leave this person, I think that they are better off without me. And I think that is exactly what happened to Cavendish. Of course Dakota didn't deserve that (in fact, he said that he believes in Cavendish's belief, what means he respects him even without fully understanding), but again, Cavendish’s reaction is normal for someone like him. I believe that his parents never really cared about his needs, his emotions and so on, so Dakota who does this became the most important person. This makes his disbelief even more hurtful. And in addition, Cavendish already was very upset because of them being fired and treated clearly not as he wanted. All this make his emotional condition really bad, and Dakota's words were the last straw.

Second, the alien ship itself is for me a big metaphor for autism. There's something that is important to us (be it a sensor overload, a special need etc.) that other people don't see and don't understand. And some (a lot of) people will never understand, no matter how hard we try to explain. Sometimes it's devastating, sometimes we begin to fear that there's really nothing, sometimes we stop believing ourselves (a scene where Cavendish tries to prove that there's an invisible ship and jumps on it, but at this exact moment there is really no ship). Why didn't he just take Dakota to this thing? Because he already hadn’t believed him, and this is enough. Cavendish tries to get validation from some “experts” (journalists), but all that is in vain.

In addition, I think it is really important that this ship is alien (and not just invisible). Because for other people we are like aliens. We don't understand your rules, your emotions, your culture, we act strange and inappropriate, we are weird… And often you just think we imagined all this, that we are weird or crazy. We don't exist, like aliens.

One more thing before I end this pretty lengthy essay. I'm so glad that in this series people with mental disabilities and issues (like Cavendish) don't look like cute little orphans from a sweet holly story who are so easy to be compassionate with. No, sometimes they are selfish jerks and it's difficult to build a relationship with them. And I think this is really, really important. We are not “quirky and adorkable cuties”, we are people who are often difficult to be with. And it is difficult to be us.

Phew, this is a long essay. I hope I haven’t forgotten anything important! But if you think I have, please feel free to reblog and add :) And I hope you liked what I’ve written.

I wasn't planning to get emotional, but I clearly failed, because Cavendish is so special to me.

P.S. my Tumblr app is crazy, it doesn't allow me to make a post with actual screenshots, that's why I took photos of a screen instead :( sorry for inconvenience.

[sirshio]

Watched Zootopia 2 and have a lot of thoughts, but I'm ashamed to write them on main (I guess I'll make a side acc specifically for this), so here a post about Gary and some things I have about him.

With a cut to make my post not so long.

- I'm a very tactile person, love to snuggle, cuddle, hug and stuff, but also I hate when I'm touched without permission and/or by a person I don't like. Also I always ask for permission to hug.

When I see a character that likes hugging too, most likely this character would hug others without their permission and often in inappropriate situations. SO I enjoy to see that Gary actually asks Judy for a permission to hug her - it's obvious he likes her very quickly, but they aren't close enough, so a permission is needed. Notice that he doesn't ask Pawbert if he can hug him - they know each other for enough time, so Gary thinks Pawbert likes his hugs. I like this, because it actually portrays difference between how Gary treats people according to their relationship. I point this out because when it comes to positive, extroverted and somewhat naive characters, it's not usual to show they can treat different characters differently, according to their bonds. And it's refreshing.

I enjoy the fact we have an extroverted character who respects others's personal space and boundaries, and also I enjoy the fact that even extroverted characters can have different bonds with different characters.

- Minor spoiler: Gary's antidote pen. I've seen posts where people saw his pen as an allegory of having a serious allergy and a need to always carry meds, but I've seen it in another way (but this interpretation is something touching and beautiful!) - Gary tries to prove he is not dangerous. I like to think he took this pen only before his trip to Zootopia - he knows about prejudice and hatred towards all reptiles, so he wants to do all he can to prove he is not an enemy. In addition, his pen not only shows his harmlessness, but also plays its part in actual protecting: Gary don't want to kill anyone even in self-defense. First, it's obvious he can act on instincts and bite without intention to kill, second, I think he is peaceful enough to give antidote even to those who *deserve* to be killed. Another thing is that Gary probably doesn't want to worsen hatred and fear towards his people, that's why he has a tool that can save *every* animal bitten by him.

- Gary's line towards Judy, where he tells her she is his "warm-blooded friend". I think that this adjective is very important, and here's why. A character that belongs to racial minority (and Gary surely is an allegory of such character, he's a reptile among mammals) who is friends with a "white main character" and doesn't have significant bond with their people and/or culture can be a decent representation, but the same character *with* a bond with their culture and people is way better in my opinion. Despite we didn't see enough connection between Gary and other snakes (and it's a pity!), we at least have this line that shows us that Gary *does* have a community that is important to him. And sure, he always tells that he wants to help his family that proves he has this community, but I think this line is somewhat different: without talking about his family, he tells Judy and audience he has bond with snakes and other reptiles.

- Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I find that scene where Gary tells Judy he is harmless and where she immediately believes him is kinda interesting. I was wondering why Judy is so fast in believing a complete stranger, in addition a reptile when reptiles are feared and literally banned, and I have two hypothetical reasons for her (most likely, they both worked). First, I think she learned her lesson after the first movie and doesn't fall for the hateful propaganda "animals that aren't like us are dangerous". Second (and I'm afraid I'm digging too deep here), I think Gary can hypnotise other animals (maybe just herbivores). Why? Listen to the background music for this small scene where Gary tells Judy that snakes don't cause harm: this music is almost hypnotic by itself and has a "Middle-East vibe" that associates with hypnosis and trance. Also notice that Judy looks directly into Gary's eyes, as if mesmerized. Also also notice that she's a bunny and he's a snake (a pit viper), a prey and a hunter that hypnotizes their prey. Of course Gary is benevolent, but it's an interesting idea to speculate what talents and skills he has.

- The only thing I didn't like about Gary is the fact we haven't seen his connection to his family, not even as a flashback. His grandma has her flashback, so why don't show us how Gary prepared for a journey to Zootopia, how he parted with his family and all this stuff (well, yes, his grandma is his family, but I mean something different). We didn't have something that *shows* his family bonds that are so strong he risked and travels (illegally!) to a place where his kind is hated.

- His voice actor is Quan Kế Huy (or Jonathan Ke Quan), he is Vietnamese (with Chinese ancestry) and emigrated to USA, and I've read somewhere that he put his immigration experience into Gary, and I love it.

- Characters like Gary are often just comic relieves and sidekicks, and I'm glad he's an actual character with his goals.

[sirshio]

I don't know why it concerns me so much, but I lowkey hate when people (who are famous for something) are referred by their citizenship *without* mentioning their ethnicity. I have so many examples that it's sick.

Know a famous Russian painter Ivan Aivazovsky? He was Armenian, his birth name is Hovhannes Aivazian. Know even more famous Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud? He was Jewish, his full name is Sigismund Shlomo Freud. And so on and so forth. Soviet actor Lembit Ulfsak was Estonian, Swiss writer Elias Canetti was also Jewish, the classic of Russian literature Gogol was Ukrainian... There are a lot of other examples, I do not list them because these people are not so famous. Also I don't want to make this post too long.

I just wish more people be aware of ethnicities, it's so fucking important.

This post was inspired by a book my mom likes very much. She says this is a beautifully written understanding of ADHD, how it works and how to live with it, its author has ADHD himself. My mom said he is Jewish and was born in Hungary, but the book's annotation refers to him as "a Canadian therapist". I suppose he emigrated from Hungary, but will it hurt to note *some more information*?

(for people who are interested - his name is Gabor Mate, book's title is "Scattered minds")

[sirshio]

Warning: mentions of "slight" antisemitism

I've put myself in somewhat difficult situation with my writing. I found myself a new hyperfixation (Jewish culture and history) and made up a small and sweet love story between two young guys who are Jewish and live in late USSR (in the 80s, in perestroika times).

Difficulties begin with my lack of wanting to actually research how Jews lived in Soviet Union, that Procrustean bed of a country. I said that I'm interested in Jewish culture and history, and this is true, but right now I'm researching a little bit different place of time and different countries, and don't want to distract myself. The thing is that I can't allow myself to write or even to think about a story if this story touches something I don't know well. In my opinion, every decent author should research themes they touch in their art properly, and if they don't want (or can't), they should choose another theme. As long as I'm not particularly interested in Soviet Jews (to be honest, I am interested, but definitely not enough), I can't write about them. Of course I can write about an idealized image of USSR, the same image that lives in nostalgic minds of people whose childhood and youth were spent in Soviet Union, but I don't think this is a good thing to do. I don't want to ignore Stalin's terror, I don't want to pretend that USSR cared about its citizens without paying attention to their ethnicity and their religion. I don't want to ignore Brodsky's trial, I don't want to ignore that a lot of Soviet Jews changed their names to make a comfortable living (for example, a famous Soviet actor Andrei Mironov and a well-known Soviet writer Anatoly Rybakov did that), I don't want to ignore that Alexandra Brustein was to censor the importance of Judaism for her family when she wrote her autobiographical novel, and so so many more things (more serious too) that USSR government done. I don't want to make all of this, because it would be disrespectful for many and many Soviet people (not only Jews, really, all people who didn't fit into Soviet propaganda and were to hide it).

Difficulties continue with me actually enjoying this idealized image of USSR, an utopic country where all were equal, where education was of high quality and where art was brilliantly good. Hard not to enjoy this fictional country when you were raised in post-Soviet territory in 2000s and a lot of your favorite childhood media were Soviet. Even know, when I'm not a child and I'm learning that this image was far away from truth, it's so hard to let go of this beautiful dream.

I write to share my love and show respect to themes I'm writing about, that's why I do my research properly. This is why I won't write this story, at least I won't be doing it now - who knows, maybe later I will want to research the life of Soviet Jews specifically.

I don't know why I wrote this post. When I rant, often I do it because I fish for compassion and praises, but now it's not the case. I guess I wrote it just because I couldn't hold it inside.

[sirshio]

I can understand homophobic people (once more, understand =/= support or accept). I can understand people who don't mind irl homosexual relationships but don't like fictional when they aren't (explicitly) canon. I can understand people who are just very heteronormative (I was among them when I was a teen).

But I can't understand people who think Dakota and Cavendish have zero chemistry and are boring and similar to each other. Even if a person isn't into homosexual pairings, it's literally IMPOSSIBLE to not to see their deep friendship and that they are the closest and dearest people to each other. Dakota sacrificed dozens and dozens of his alternative versions to just keep Cavendish alive, Cavendish broke every rule for Dakota and canceled the future where they are not together.

They are boring and similar to each other? I beg your pardon. They both have absolutely different personalities, traits, issues and coping mechanisms. Cavendish is insecure, needs to be told he is worthy, he clearly has autism that causes problems with relationships (with Dakota especially). Dakota has ADHD (and a special interest in animals) and PTSD (which he denies to just stay sane), he has a healthy relationship with himself and a healthy self-esteem too, it's easy to see that he had trustworthy relationships with parents/siblings/other family/friends in his childhood - he is perfectly able to be in a deep relationship even with a person who has a lot of issues (like Cavendish).

If a person don't see all this, they either are an idiot or they didn't watch series properly.

[sirshio]

Wow, what is it, a post about MML, but not about Dakavendish?

I saw a few posts about "Lady Krillers", authors said that this episode is transphobic. Maybe I don't see something very important, but I don't think it's transphobic. In addition, I saw this episode as a reference for "Tootsie", a very decent movie, in my opinion. Of course, there's a possibility I cannot understand some phobia, because I'm not transfem (actually, I am transmasc)...

If you have some proofs that this episode IS transphobic, please feel free to share, I'm always open to other people experiences.