#shipping calculus

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Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E72

A little out of order, but irresistible, to write The Rise of Fjord. Masterpost here.

-15 to Nott/Spelling So sure, the local Felderwin spelling bees probably didn’t see the word “Eldritch Blast” crop up all that often, but still—G? That’s almost as bad as Fjord’s new pronunciation!

+4 to Caleb/Essik as Caleb stalls for times to talk to the Fancy Wizard, promising to keep in touch, and the Fancy Wizard again pulls his Extremely Helpful “Should you require anything” business, which is, Perilously Close to a Princess Bride-style “As you wish.” Point loss for hurrying off and ditching the Nein at the first opportunity, the rude bastard

+4 to Nott/Jester for Jester defending Nott from Caduceus when he advocates for knocking her out and dragging her underwater with them, the son of a bitch.

+19 to Caleb/Jester as these two prove they are absolutely that couple who wears matching outfits all the time, or in this case, matching polymorph birds. When talking proves difficult, seriously considering mating rituals as a vehicle of communication (communicating Inner Feelings, we should say) “Thanks, Caleb,” which is always a point earner, Caleb advocating for a ghost book club with Jester and Jester agreeing, not to mention these two bookworms going gaga over the one (1) book in the Dust library, for ever so slightly different reasons. Not to mention, they are also Absolutely that couple that feeds each other, as they almost tune out the rest of the party being sweet over the bead of nourishment.

+17 to Dust/Stone/Clay as we abide by that most ancient of Shipping laws, “Fucking Until Proven Innocent”

+27 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester One doctoral candidate in the lab pointed out that both Caleb and Jester are confirmed Recipients of Fjord Winks, not to mention the iconic line “You caught on, and you’ve known me the longest,” meaning these two! Set apart for Fjord! AND, Jester immediately trying to feed Fjord the bead of nourishment after nearly giving everyone cavities with Caleb sweetness, AND, Jester and Caleb both Supporting Fjord In All He Does re: breaking up the ice, making it easy for him to see underwater or keeping him warm while he does it…That’s Love. How Caleb knows without even asking that the one person besides himself most willing to give up their magical items for Fjord is Jester Lavorre. Melora be praised, they all just deserve to be happy together, don’t they???

+9 to the Mighty Nein/Patriotism for Nott, Caleb, and Jester turning themselves red white and blue for their mountain journey

+17 to Jester/Caduceus “I admit it, you were right,” Caduceus says, radiating Longsuffering Partner Vibes. Giving Jester Resistance #BuffingIsALanguageOfLove, Caduceus wishing Jester would say the Wildmother is the coolest more often and Jester begrudgingly admitting she’s all right if not as great as the Traveler when converting Fjord proves unsuccessful. Caduceus being Very Into Jester’s porn reading, as well as her theory of the Dust/Stone/Clay orgy. Caduceus instructing Jester in the Ways Of Politeness by saying people like sending better “when they can picture your beautiful face.” I mean???? That’s flirting?????

+40 to The Mighty Nein/Ghosts with far too many members of the Nein thinking about ghost dick, Avantika showing up to ogle at Fjord, and in general all of the ghosts being big smut book fans.

+39 to Caduceus/Fjord !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These two!!!! Fjord sticking by Caduceus at all times and wanting to do what Caduceus wants! Saying Caduceus is “inspiring!” Thanking him for being himself!! Caduceus saying Fjord will do great things!! The healing! Dropping the accent! Caduceus thinking the whole trip was worthwhile, just for Fjord! Melora! Insisting Fjord learned a new power, that he is valuable as he is!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! PICKING FJORD UP AND TAKING HIM AWAY TO REST, COMPLIMENTING HIS VOICE FOR BEING CHARMING SkhfhkadjkfafbjsfbjkKAADBADB

+6 to Caduceus/Nature as the trees give him The Nod.

+35 to Fjord/Jester THERE IS EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY IN THIS HOUSE 2NITE. I mean, besides making sure Fjord is Warm and Fed and Safely Carried Around (and the writing of Friendfiction), besides “you’re affable” and laughing at Jester’s porny mind and telling Jester to just do what she does being herself, besides Tusk and Accent Complimenting, Fjord…..voluntarily starts talking about Vandran, and has Jester call him? And Jester reassures him when the response isn’t exactly what he expected? They bond over how their worlds are getting bigger than they thought possible, the wish sometimes to just break away and find some peace, the knowledge that if they did decide to break away, that they would follow each other?? Fjord telling Jester how he lost his powers! Willing! To admit to weakness with her! Jester giving Fjord both her magical weapons, fuck it. Point loss because Fjord really is just never going to convert to the Traveler no matter how Jester tries.

+4 to Caleb/Cat Shaped Creatures for having Frumpkin keep him company while he did some Spring Cleaning on his coat situation.

+28 to Caleb/Fjord These two and their….hands. Mein Gott. Just….a lot of intense hand business (Hand Job?) happening over here again, not to mention the Symbolism of Caleb giving up some of his fire, that dangerous thing he didn’t want anyone to use, giving up that item that he and Fjord had both wanted way back in the beginning. The peculiar rightness of everyone handing their items over to Caleb to give to Fjord. Not to mention going on about Fjord’s Skills, the trying to look like Caleb, the “Some are better” accompanied by a Wink, the “What else have you got?” the “Maybe later.” Hahaha. Ha. Point loss for Fjord saying Caleb should stop reading so many books--even said jokingly the concept is Heresy and Unacceptable.

+40 to Nott the Best Detective Agency/Detective Work for making the connection between the green glass of Caduceus’ visions and the residuum they picked up on a previous Case. Now that….that is some detectiving, godsdamn.

+7 to Nott/Yeza as Nott wants to draw on her husband’s alchemical skills to figure out how to make purified glass out of residuum! See, you should just take him with you everywhere, like a potion-making Bodahn Feddic!

+20 to Nott/Fire Powers as, with two words, she set Fjord on fire and reduced him to a smoldering corpse.

+12 to Beau/Jester as Jester once more sees through Beau’s “I’m totally fine I’m not suffering AT ALL” act to give her the rod of handwarming, Beau talking about how much she loves the ocean (and being quick to call the ghosts Jester’s fans), Jester scooping up Beau in eagle form and saving her from plummeting to her death! Point loss because Jester dropping her may have been the reason Beau was plummeting in the first place, and being jostled around until you throw up is Not A Fun Date.

+13 to Caleb/Caduceus as Caduceus turns in adorable confusion to Caleb to define “alchemical” and gets the most sweetly straightforward response, the two of them as usual being on the Same Page when it comes to the necessity of polite behavior, and continuing their ongoing, understated Feud on who is going to have the right to feed the group. For once Caleb comes out on top (ha,) as Caduceus is caught unprepared with his spellwork and therefore cannot yet make Holy Breakfast on the Anvil. Caleb once more indicating he secretly believes he lives in a fairy tale, promising to follow Caduceus’ lead because this is “his story”

+6 to Fjord & Caduceus/D.A.R.E as Fjord refuses drugs from Beau saying he doesn’t need them (damn right!), and with Caduceus, who is generally very pro-drug, nonetheless refusing Nott’s suggestion to snort the residuum.

-100000000000000000000000000000 to Fjord/Uk’otoa, but more importantly +5000 to Fjord/Channeling His Inner Hobbit as he manages to overcome his own need for power to throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom—I mean, Summer’s Dance into the lava of the Kiln. The man one-upped both Percy and Frodo, hot damn.

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Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E70

……………Hello. Today in shipping calculus we explore that most basic and heinous of arithmetic—subtraction. Minus one party member, the landscape looks a little different, a little darker. But there are still good things to be found. Thank you to @drinkingdeadpeopletea, @hla-rosa, and @alarnia for helping with data entry. Masterpost here

+12 to Sam/The Slide Whistle which should absolutely become a staple of Critical Role sound effects, I’m begging you here

+19 to Jester/Yasha These two get all the Angst Points, with Jester having a breakdown over Yasha’s betrayal, lovingly drawing her eyes and demonstrating she knows them well enough to be able to pinpoint the little differences in them now. Going to Yasha’s room, and the Romantic Gift of the mural of flowers, and telling Yasha in a Romantic Monologue that she still believes in her, that the Stormlord should be there for her, and that she’s going to be brought back to become the person Jester knows she wants to be. Asking the Traveler about his relationship with the Stormlord and trying to figure out through him if Yasha is safe or can be saved.

+15 to Beau/Yasha Beau meanwhile listens, and listens, and listens for the sound of thunder, an indication that the Stormlord is still out there watching over Yasha…but she doesn’t get anything. Insisting that the group distinguish between Yasha and whatever person left them and betrayed them, because she’s sure they aren’t the same person. Lying casually to everyone she meets about how Yasha’s just taking some personal time off, no need to worry.

-12 to The Mighty Nein/Whisper Campaigns as Jester’s mission gets derailed by her unsuccessful attempt to shoot some ballistae, while Fjord finds himself needing to surrender in the face of Absolute Incompetence.

+38 to Beau/Jester But these two are the stars of this weeks’ shipping calculus, inseparable from start to finish and each others’ proven closest confidant. Beau comforting Jester as she breaks down over Yasha, hugging her close and despite her own reluctance to be vulnerable, confessing to Jester how much this has hurt her as well, how she hasn’t been able to sleep properly and how she hopes for Yasha to be saved!! Beau telling Jester she’s amazing and doesn’t need anyone’s validation! Telling Jester her voice is wonderful and imitating it—flattery! Love! Jester complimenting Beau’s fists! Their awkward flirting reaching such levels of Sickening that they end up talking about the weather! “The wind is very windy today” gods you two are disasters. Then--then!! Composing messages to Dairon together, sneaking off upstairs together and complaining about the lack of privacy in the house like every teenaged couple failing to get away with boning in the family house. And—I mean they are sleeping together, though tragically they split up for the night to better catch Dairon when she arrives, because they are a Team.

-20 to Dairon/Detective Work. Beau is understandably incredulous that after all this time Dairon knows….nothing about what the M9 have been doing, until Jester gives the Xhorhaus tip—which is funny because it’s not like they’ve been at all subtle in any of their activities in this country. Then there’s the peculiar beauty of Dairon stealthing expertly to the balcony whilst completely missing how the protege she’s looking for is VERY CLEARLY AND OBVIOUSLY SLEEPING ON THE FRONT STOOP RIGHT BELOW GODS DAIRON YOU ARE AMAZING AT MISSING THE THINGS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR NOSE

+12 to Nott/Religion as Caduceus confirms that the liquor cabinet downstairs was always meant to be her personal shrine, and Nott reveals she can hear god talking to her.

-16 to Jester/Religion as we learn that Jester has zero knowledge of any gods besides the ones the party themselves worship and have told her about. Raven Queen who? Knowing Mistress? Don’t know her.

+18 to the Traveler/Orgies as he’s apparently been “busy” with his other followers, and how his initial idea to gather in a relaxing subtropical retreat is an excellent place to get even busier. Alas, Jester still has him wrapped around her little finger and successfully advocates for a volcano, which probably still has some sexual energy, if The Incredibles can be believed.

+4 to Jester/Fjord—they don’t interact directly much, but Fjord as always asks if Jester is doing okay, and complains about her spell slots on her behalf. Jester as always talks up Fjord’s skills with talking to people and using accents above all else. Fjord also asks what matters to Jester when she snaps about not caring which side they end up taking, but some points are taken away as he immediately pivots to advocating for his own preferences instead of listening to the answer.

+0 to Caleb/Cat-Shaped Creatures as Frumpkin works overtime as the party’s collective comfort object, almost to the exclusion of Caleb petting the poor thing himself. And then there are the moorbounders, which were straight up ditched. We knew it would happen eventually but—they had names! A history! Do we really need to lose more members of this party?

+6 to Caleb/Fjord Alas, the tragedy of these two asking each other if they’re feeling okay and entirely sidestepping each other’s concern! This is Not How You Earn Points! Fjord instantly leaping to Caleb/the group’s defense the second the wizard gets the side-eye in Bazzoxan. Caleb being willing to compromise about listening to the Bright Queen for Fjord and letting loose a host of compliments about his disguise and accent skills, then once Fjord is safely gone going on and on to Beau about how she and Fjord hold the group together, and how they really need to make sure Fjord is okay, goodness look at this worrywart.

+6 to Caleb/Jester …and the Worrywart also continues to stress over Marion Lavorre, and tries to reassure her that there’s nothing definitive the know or could have known about Yasha. Meanwhile, Jester gets concerned over Caleb’s distress and ditching the group after their run-in with the Scourger. Jester also compliments Caleb’s Teleportation Circle, and offers him a pocketful of crystals she picked up, which he could have been more appreciative of.

+14 to Jester/The Bright Queen and Nott/Heteronormativity as Jester once more obsesses over what the Bright Queen is wearing and how “ravishing” her eyes are. Meanwhile Nott tries desperately to make sure the compliments are coming from A Man, because Women Like Compliments From Men and Not As Much From Women Apparently, and picking a spectacularly terrible target in Caduceus Clay who really does not notice or care what the Bright Queen looks like, ever.

+4 to Jester/Caduceus While Nott may have been wrong to describe Caduceus as “dark,” both Jester and Fjord are very quick to express their appreciation for the pink pastel aesthetic. Jester gets comforting pats from Caduceus, they compliment each other on being impressive, Jester gets very briefly excited over the sword being for Caduceus before she’s shot down, and preens over the Traveler alcove Caduceus made for her in the garden

+9 to Caduceus/Channeling His Inner Demon as his eyes flash black in true Supernatural style to ward off a person who was probably just trying to sleep in the only inn in town, the poor bastard.

+5 to Fjord/Caduceus With an additional point for the sheer delight of how confused Fjord continues to be over Caduceus’ existence, feat “YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THERE?” incredulity, and how Caduceus is an absolute shit about giving Fjord a birdbath to worship in, just deep enough so he can drown himself if he’s in the mood. Which apparently Fjord kind of is. That’s romance. Fjord following Caduceus upstairs, For What Purpose We Can Only Guess

+7 to Caleb/Caduceus as they continue to be on the exact same page when it comes to how to address the Bright Queen and what their responsibilities are in warning others. Caleb buffing Caduceus with Fortune’s Favor! Caduceus continuing to latch onto interesting little phrases, notably one with “cocked” in it, and seeming concerned over the length of time Caleb was off on his own after the Scourger interrogation. An interrogation Caduceus offered to help with with spellwork to make the Scourger tell the truth! Caleb calling Caduceus downstairs to hang out (in an attempt to help Beau/Jester along, seems like) but only in fact managing to convince Nott that he wants, and I quote, “boy time.” Caduceus ribbing Caleb about being very Not Calm as he’s drinking to calm his nerves, that’s nice.

+8 to Fjord/That One Ogre who called him a “little fuzzball” and seemed worried about how tired he was and did his absolute best to spread just the message that Fjord gave him in his bugbear courier form. I mean, I’ve shipped for less.

+20 to Nott/Yeza as they have an adorable reunion, complete with such romance staples as Dropping What You’re Holding, Embraces, and Enjoying Your Partner’s Terrible Cooking! Nott defending Yeza’s dangerousness and ability to be a flight risk to Fjord, who dared to call Yeza boring. Unfortunately, Nott’s love and concern for her husband also resulted in -13 to Yeza/Piracy, though to be fair Orly’s supposed to be doing legitimate mercantile work at this point so there may Still Be A Chance to put Yeza on a boat

+14 to Caleb/Essik as Essik jumps on the chance to ferry the party all over the globe. Caleb makes the mistake of asking the Bright Queen for dunamancy training from Essik rather than Essik himself, he who is Too Eager To Do Caleb Favors, but when Caleb shows back up in an anxiety-ridden fugue Essik does get the chance to take a break from his busy schedule to promise he’ll absolutely see what he can do for Caleb, no persuasion required. Point loss for Caleb’s awkward blabbing being physically painful to watch and for Essik just ditching him by the doors.

+5 to Matt/A Certain Kind Of Tension that is rising….and puckering….that necessitates some recovery….

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Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E69

What an episode! Easily in this mathematician’s Top Five for Drama and Cinematography but ah…. *kicks Angst Points program* the heartbreak is really going to kill me one of these days. Thank you to @softazelma @critiquingsoul @hla-rosa and @alarnia for helping out with data entry! Masterpost here.

+50 to Sam/Debate The speed with which he comes….up with good talking points is commendable, but his stamina leaves something to be desired

+52 to Liam/Politics See above.

+20 to Jester/Her Inner Dominatrix as she adds a snazzy whip to her fighting repertoire! An incredibly tactically useful weapon, as it has the ability to restrain and drag people by force across the battlefield! Not to mention how it can be used for Indiana Jones Shenanigans! Point loss because tragically she is not yet Proficient in making people beg for mercy whipping, and despite best efforts, could not manage to use it at certain……key parts of the battle this episode

+15 to Caleb/Fjord as Fjord continues his “lmao we have to take a short rest so CALEB can IDENTIFY things” excuse to make the party let him regenerate his spell slots. Caleb following immediately behind Fjord’s approach of the sarcophagus either to Save This Curious Troublemaker or because he, too, is a Curious Troublemaker. Caleb throwing up a Wall of Fire, a Certified Caleb Panic Spell to help rescue Fjord from the Laughing Hand and…..company.

+29 to Caleb/Caduceus Hoo boy, these guys get a LOAD of battle points this ep, with Caduceus Standing! In Front of Caleb! To protect him! And nearly dying! Caleb in turn deciding that That’s Just Not Acceptable and #WidogastShaping into KING KONG, and SMASHING Caduceus’ attackers, SCREAMING in the Laughing Hand’s face, before scooping up Caduceus like a wee bab and carrying him safely out the door. Both damsels in distress, both knights in shining armor! Caduceus clutching at the Periapt, one of Caleb’s gifts, because he’s so near death! Shouting at Caleb not to hit himself! Then, as they both agree on the necessity of warning others on what happened in the tomb and support each other in planning their next steps out, Caduceus!! Thanks Caleb!!! So quietly!!!!! And Drops The Honorific while doing so, that is a classic Romance Moveeeeeeee

+2 to Caleb/Self Hatred as he self-crits himself with a punch in the face. It’s pretty on brand for him, honestly.

+16 to Caleb/Jester What these two lack in Battle Points they make up for with Cute, as Caleb gifts the swhip to Jester while Effusively Complimenting Her Strength and she thanks him for it! Jester hanging from the whip and saying hello to Caleb, who is Charmed To Death by the silliness and pushes her so she swings! Jester protecting Caleb’s back in marching order! Jester telling Nott that she can rely on her and Caleb above all else, and once again complimenting Caleb’s handsomeness and his nice chin! She Really Has A Thing for that chin, huh?

+5 to Nott/Matchmaking as at this point we can see Nott is just trying to set Jester up with all of the guys in the party. Fjord, Caleb, probably Caduceus next, the point is she wants Jester to get some lovin’

+50 to Obann/Playing Himself as, after avoiding a series of attacks from the Mighty Nein in a Very Cool And Villainous Manner, he manages to bean himself with the very tomb he exploded. Smooth.

+5 to the Mighty Nein/The Angel of Irons as Obann tells them they’re blessed by her, to come as far as they did! Gosh, it’s almost a shame they killed this guy, it looks like if they joined his cult they could have gained some rank in it! Some people are bad guys just because they’re better at it, y’know?

+15 to Jester/Fjord as most attempts at Battle Points didn’t work out (+20 to Dice/Cockblocking), but with Fjord effectively distracting the Laughing Hand from Jester with a Balgura to absorb punishment. Jester backing up Fjord’s awkward “Can I get a HEY” shtick. Also, Fjord thinking Jester’s investigation of the mirrors is a good idea, that is some Detective Solidarity right there. Many point gains for how Fjord is Suspiciously Into Jester having the whip, but point loss as they Massively Disagree on the Yasha situation and what it means.

+10 to Beau/Nerdom for identifying the likely location of Caduceus’ Kiln! She’s just a walking encyclopedia, look at her. Also Beau trying very hard but to no avail to understand how the Angel Blood Statues work—even help from Caleb only yields the same old Pre-Calamity nonsense, ugh.

+9 to Jester/Beau for Jester trying to mimic Beau’s parkour in battle! Majority of ship points gained because Lavorregard was said in game, you guys really need to make this your official ship name, I’m begging you.

+14 to Beau/Yasha as Beau supports Yasha’s desire to stay in the front, but stays just behind her in Marching order. Asking if Yasha is feeling okay, and also asking “What about Yasha??” when the party begins their escape from the tomb, and defending Yasha’s agency and choice to the others later

+40 to Beau/Search and Rescue. In a move recalling her rescue of Nott from the lava of the Fire Giant’s cave, this time Beau, she of Little Strength, through sheer force of Friendship YANKS a nearly-dead Fjord away from an IMMORTAL CHAMPION OF A GOD and carts him off to safety behind the door, in the most clutch of moves!

-100000 to Yasha/Being A Team Player Between refusing protection from the rest of the party and………other things, twas not a great week for this one

+20 to Yasha/Family Reunions as she’s reunited with Obann and her new brother! Critical Role, showing us some great family values tonight!

+17 to Nott/Yasha as Nott fucking….breaks our hearts by giving Yasha a protective flower even after she stabs her, and reaching out to her as the door shuts! Point loss for Nott’s reaction to Yasha stabbing her being to mock Yasha for not stabbing her harder.

+24 to Jester/Yasha as Jester also supports Yasha’s desire to be in the front, listens to some more celestial music with her, and stays with her to confront Obann on the top of the tomb. Trying so hard to bring her through the door, through Charming and Whipping alike, and screaming after Yasha when it shuts on her. Defending Yasha more than anyone else afterwards, wanting to talk to her more than anything, and not being able to think very clearly about next steps because of her grief. Point loss for, y’know, the stabbing

+20 to Nott/Jester as Jester is Incapable of directly lying to Nott, and admits that she has the flask. Nott only being sad that Jester wouldn’t talk to her about her concerns, and saying she “couldn’t stay mad” at Jester. Them talking about how they can rely on each other, how Jester is always standing beside Nott, and Nott confessing how she’s scared and she just wants to be on an adventure right now and not think about anything else. Jester confessing in turn how afraid she is! Hugs, that most wonderful of #BodyContact! And Nott being a little salacious in loudly announcing No One Should Make Upskirt Paintings of Jester, though +4 to Pants/Cockblocking for that literally being impossible. Point loss for Jester’s heartbreak over Nott immediately getting drunk again after her flask is returned.

+9 to Caduceus/Fjord as Caduceus very sincerely mimics Fjord’s “Hey,” and for all but shouting that no one is stupid after Fjord puts himself and the rest down for not anticipating Yasha’s actions. Caduceus’ Bless coming in Very Useful in allowing Fjord to score a killing blow. Point loss for Fjord seeming to doubt whether the Kiln is actually going to be helpful for this current situation.

+10 to Caduceus/“Staff” Dysfunction as he just can’t use the damn thing to finish……off Obann

+8 to Caduceus/Jester as Caduceus in Peak Cute tries to dodge Jester swinging her whip all over the place, saying in a Highly Suspicious Manner that she can really deal some punishment with it, and getting tripped up by it as he tries to make his escape. Dare I say it….this boy is Whipped.

+1 to Nott/Yeza Yeza was mentioned! Nott loves him, it looks like.

+40 to Fjord/The Laughing Hand/Exandria’s Next Top Model as the Laughing Hand does a walkway and pivot as he’s introduced. Fjord, too, is given a Fashion Runway Of Fire by Special Effects Man Caleb Widogast, who wants to see Fjord to snatch the competition from the jaws of defeat

+900 to The Laughing Hand/Dental Insurance because more teeth means more chance of cavities. You can only imagine how many toothbrushes this guy goes through.

[200mgcaffeine]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E68

LIKE A BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER, I WILL LAY ME DOWN *Ahem* So, we all know that episode 69 must, absolutely must have Peak Shipping Vibes, which is particularly exciting considering the fun times we’ve had this week. Thank you to @softazelma and @alarnia for helping with data entry. Masterpost here.

+22 to Jester/Nott. Jester ships had an……….odd week. On the one hand, ordinarily Not Being Present automatically cuts down on one’s ability to gain ship points, but the calculators truly don’t know what to do with the strange mishmash of botting and texting in instructions that was this episode. But in spite of all of this, this ship EARNED, with Nott discussing how CUTE and Totally Not A Suspect Jester is. But more importantly, the BATTLE POINTS!!! Nott overcoming her terror and staying on the bridge so she could cut Jester down from the roper! Falling off the bridge herself in consequence! Jester diving off the bridge into the JAWS OF DEATH, just to pull off that most legendary of #Sapphic spells, Dimension Door, to whisk them both away to safety! #ItPaysToBeADamselInDistress! Extra Drama Points for Travis refusing to let Jester do this and Laura nearly physically manifesting in the studio to tell him off until he let her. Point loss for Nott being mind controlled into stabbing at Jester immediately afterwards. The……the drama……………….

+90 to Jester/MVP How…..how can Laura not even be here and Jester do so much? Pass Without A Trace! Blessing of the Trickster! Banishment! Dimension Door! Opening the musical door! At every turn, Jester was doing essential work, saving the rest of the party even at cost to her own well-being. She was on FIRE.

+10 to Humans/Humanity as Beau is pleased to see Caleb expressing jealousy, a “basic human emotion,” and Caleb too managing to see past Beau’s Inability To Change Her Tone Or Expression and recognizing her attempt to joke around with him.

-4 to Nott/Being A Team Player for her terrified loudness repeatedly making stealthing difficult, panicking hard enough to cut the ropes keeping her connected to the party and nearly getting herself killed, urging Caleb to abandon everyone behind the mirrors. Points gained back, however, for her disconnect with the party being the thing  that helped save them, for bravely remaining on the bridge when they were attacked, and for continuing to do all the things she is afraid of because they are asking it of her,

+20 to Nott/Yasha as these two reach a new milestone of friendliness in their relationship. Yasha and Nott discussing their fears, Yasha being proud of Nott’s sobriety, Nott listening to Yasha’s request not to search other’s belongings, Nott maybe revealing something interesting about herself in that she instantly thinks of death by electricity to the genitals, and saying she’s of course going to listen to Yasha as long as she uses that Intimidatingly Sexy tone of voice to order her around. Nott accidentally spilling Caleb’s secret, but Yasha earning her trust by not judging, and promising to keep it secret, making them a Special Secret Keeping Duo apart from the rest. One of the most effective ways to earn Ship Points with Yasha is through inside jokes, and these two manage that as well, making up ridiculous figures of speech about killing one’s entire family and throwing each other off of bridges. Point loss because that’s a severely questionable inside joke, but hey! It works for them.

+4 to Yasha/Being A Trendsetter, as we learn that Yasha actually tries very hard to be the inimitable fashion and lifestyle icon that she is. Teach her the cool and hip phrases, the slang, let her be trendy.

+27 to Fjord/Caduceus as they have another, ANOTHER Deep and Personal Watch together, where Fjord opens up to Caduceus about his Feelings about the Wildmother, and manages to learn more about what makes Caduceus tick than most others have managed so far—that he smiles when he’s afraid, that he does so because his siblings apparently loved to terrorize him. Fjord keeping an eye out for Caduceus’ fear the next day! Caduceus following Fjord into the mirrors and finishing off two of the threats! Casting detect magic for Fjord! Pulling out the knife for him! Caduceus offering to hold Fjord’s hand when he’s afraid and asking for a hand to hold, though +20 to Yasha/Cockblocking and +20 to Jester/Cockblocking for robbing him of the opportunity. Point loss, too, for Caduceus not managing to give Fjord a clear answer about his family or the goddamn number of siblings he has when Fjord tries to get him to open up about it, Fjord trying to stab Caduceus, and Fjord completely failing to quietly move the plank on the bridge, despite Caduceus’ faith in him

+9 to Fjord/The Wildmother as he wants to make it veryveryvery clear that he wants to be allowed to fight for her. Thanking her specifically whenever Caduceus casts a spell or heals…..please Melora, throw this poor desperate warlock a bone

+18 to Fjord/Jester as Jester snatches that handholding opportunity! Jester panicking and trying to get into the mirrors, panicking more as she fails. Fjord being a Little Shit and yoinking her inside once the coast is clear and yelling about them dying. Were Laura here, I’m sure we would have heard Jester also being a Little Shit and participating in the prank.

+4 to Jester/Yasha there’s nothing to say that her panic and desire to get into the mirrors wasn’t for Yasha’s sake, now is there? Huh???????????? What are you saying??????????????????????????????????? I can’t hear???????????????????????????????????????????????????????

+18 to Caleb/Caduceus as Caleb continues to just demand Caduceus’ help for everything under the sun. Caduceus making it a Priority to reassure a panicking Caleb that everything is just fine in mirrorland, and getting confused when Caleb gets spooked. Caleb offering to make Caduceus smaller which was totally completely about making the bridge weight situation less precarious and Not At All about making it theoretically easier to snatch a kiss, oh no. Caduceus trying very hard to understand weight distribution in response to Caleb’s concerns, and deciding to just hug Caleb through his momentary bloodlust on the bridge, That’s Love. The moment is somehow even funnier when you consider that Caduceus is technically hanging over the side of the bridge at the time. Like, you seem like the one in need of comfort here, Caduceus.

+16 to Beau/Jester as Beau gets this campaign’s iconic Critical Fail Of Love to attack Jester while her mind was confused, because there’s no one around she wants to attack less than Jester. The sheer agony on her face as she swung….That’s Love. The two of them being Amazing Detective Partners as Beau instantly understands the musical nature of the door puzzle, and Jester using her musical talents and memory of the angel statue song to unlock it! Also, +9 to Beau/Jester/Yasha for Jester and Yasha working together to drag Beau back up by the ropes after she walks over the side, as well as no one being certain which of the three of them is being talked about when the suggestion to “talk to an angel” is raised.

+13 to Caleb/Jester for Jester noting Caleb’s trouble with stealth and giving him Blessing of The Trickster, thus channeling his own preference for Buffing As A Language Of Love. Bonus drama points for Laura having to call Travis’ phone to correct his spell usage to Save The Caleb #ItPaysToBeADamselInDistress

+1 to Nott the Best Detective Agency/Detective Work as Nott believes stabbing the angel statue makes a whole lot more sense than just sheathing the weapon in the space made for it, but Jester making up for it by cracking the musical door puzzle. However, +15 to Fjord and Beau/Detective Work for concentrating very productively on how to escape from the mirrors, discovering the knife that was the key to the puzzle and getting it out with Caduceus’ assistance. (That’s -5 to Fjord/Upper Body Strength though)

+3 to Jester/Caduceus as Jester (again, dicey with botting) calls Caduceus handsome!

+5 to Caleb/Adele, as he thinks about saying hello to the other side. He’s very sorry for everything that he’s done.

+14 to Caleb/Fjord as Caleb tries very hard, very dangerously and against all common sense to retrieve a magical whip from a cage on the bridge, purely because Fjord really really wanted it. Boy better be appreciative after all the trouble it caused. Caleb being a Little Shit by joking about Fjord wanting to take a dump over the bridge. Point loss for Fjord causing the exact same panic Caleb had to deal with in the Happy Fun Ball when he pursues Yasha into the mirror dimension. Fjord ships are, evidently, made for heart attacks.

-50 to Nott/Lying for a) casually spilling her best friend’s deepest darkest secret, b) not even managing to convince arguably the most gullible member of the party that she didn’t actually mean what she said, and c) trying to convince Fjord that it was “too dark” for her to scout ahead, when absolutely everyone knows she has darkvision.

-1000 to The Mighty Nein/Following Instructions. “Don’t continue,” says the dead angel guard. I mean, what else could you expect the Mighty Nein to do???

[200mgcaffeine]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E63

My initial personal notes for this sort of—ended, at a very specific part of the episode, which says something about how stressful combat was. Thank you to @Alarnia @softazelma @handelgamer and Meenah for helping out with data entry. Masterpost here, data entry here. 

Corrections: An additional +5 to Caleb/Caduceus from last week for “I guess I want what you want” from Caduceus. That’s a lot

-30 to Everyone/Detective Work. What’s that saying? Assumptions make an ass out of you and me? Despite their sincere and assiduous questioning and investigations, the M9 are made to learn that lesson the hard way, with everything they think they know from the scout to the “drow” to the blond dude to battle strategy turning out to be horribly mistaken.

+5 to Fjord/Caduceus as Fjord specifically inquires “Caduceus, how are you feeling” like the considerate worrywart he is before the Bright Queen meeting, and Caduceus getting very excited about finally having the money to pursue his personal Sword project for resident Sword-Swallower Fjord when they get paid. Caduceus supporting Fjord’s ideas, and joining the Micro Plan team opposed to Beau and Caleb’s Macro Plan Team.

-10 to Nott/Being A Team Player. On the one hand, this sweetheart offered to stay up all night on watch and take exhaustion so that her precious friends could get some uninterrupted sleep. On the other hand, she encountered a peak #Jenga moment, unfortunately not making the same WIS save Vax did, and stuck a bunch of arrows into Yasha. (also -30 to Nott/Yasha, with “I never liked you” and “Stop. Fucking. Hitting. Me.”)

+11 to Nott/Jester as Jester rescues Nott from the Charm! And is also hella charming herself, all “We never said that Nott” and playfully bumping into her when Nott talks about not trusting goblins (+2 to Nott/Fantasy Racism), plotting every type of Shenanigan together from tattoos to forming their own country, and shouting “HOW MUCH” at the exact same time when they get paid by the Bright Queen. They’re so much on the same page it’s terrifying.

+13 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester A pretty amazing week for this triad, between all three of them being Strategic Masterminds in effusive agreement with each other, over everything from being in the building to letting the attack go off without a hitch to murdering everyone in the meeting. Caleb and Jester together saving Fjord from his abyssal attempts to stealth, Caleb and Fjord’s Mutual Worrywarting over Jester’s long absence, and both Fjord and Caleb’s spellwork being employed to Save Jester on her moth mission.

+15 to Fjord/Jester but Fjord’s version of spellcaster-to-the-rescue was a lot more flashy, and he suffered being thrown around and bruised for her sake. That’s love. Jester notices this and thanks him, to his extreme flusterment, gives him credit for the Gold Chain Mercenary information, and plans with him as a Disguising Duo to fake being the hobgoblin and drow together, and we all know that those who engage in Jester Plots gain points. Points taken away because the spying/mole conversation was probably somewhere around the opposite of cute, you cannot convince me I’m supposed to enjoy listening to people discussing checking out moles for diseases. Like…no. That’s gross and not in the fun way.

+4 to Fjord/That One Gnoll as he gets thrown—head over heels! into the alleyway. Also of note is Fjord saying “You’re strong!” in what sounds like a suspiciously flirty drunken tone, while bruised and spreadeagled on the street. We learn more about you every day, Fjord.

+17 to Caleb/Jester as Jester tries very hard to employ her spellwork and Pass Without a Trace to Save The Caleb (#ItPaysToBeADamselInDistress), Caleb’s buffing as usual serving as an Expression of Affection, and Caleb coming up with Goth Moth Shenanigans for Jester to spy with, demonstrating not only his implicit trust in her but also how keenly he’s tuned into Jester’s preferred aesthetic, of all things. Turning to Jester first for help with the dragonborn, Jester elbowing the shit out of Caleb, and looking to Caleb to count out their gold like the fey child he is because she’s tuned into his quirks as well! Discussing making a coffee table together! Jester alone trying to play dumb about the Scourger business even as Nott Fuck-Secrets the Brave puts a blinking sign over Caleb when they’re with the Bright Queen, perhaps sensing (a beat late) that maybe Caleb isn’t super eager to talk about that all the time.

+7 to Yasha/Jester as even Moth!Jester knows how to make Yasha feel like a fairy princess, alighting on her finger like the soft and thoughtful gal she is.

+8 to Caleb/Fjord as they continue to work Very Well together with crowd control and murdering poor defenseless scouts and their horses. Fjord being very much “on the same page” with Caleb re: everything, except maybe the horse-killing, for which we may expect point losses as he makes plans to talk to that motherfucker (before or after he talks to that motherfucker, though?) But, use of Counterspell, that quintessential Cool Caleb spell? That’s Fjord’s magical crush to the rescue, though point loss for them all letting the “drow” get away anyway.

-4 to Caduceus/Metaphors. He thinks making barrels is like putting on pants, and gets horribly muddied. Then, just when he thinks he has a handle on that analogy, Beau changes it around on him and starts talking about wagon wheels! He just can’t win.

-6 to Caleb/Task Switching This boy does not respond well to sudden changes in plans. You tell him to stop the dragonborn, he will pick the Most Effective Method Of Accomplishing That, subtlety and consequences be damned. Does not seem to process that they are not in fact planning on murdering/imprisoning Moro and her employee when the fighting is over, because They Already Discussed This, That Was The Plan, Why Are You Changing The Plan?

+8 to Caleb/Caduceus. A tumbleweed of a week for these two, unfortunately, except that Caleb chose Caduceus for his Special Dunamancy Buffing (Skin Contact! Magical Expressions of Love!), and Caduceus finishing off the enemy Caleb had been trying and trying for ages to murder—appropriately, with fire. Proving their compatibility in how neither of them mind hanging around the smell of rotting flesh, which unlike moles is romantic because it’s Goth.

+6 to Beau/Yasha Beau attempts to grab arrows out of thin air to save Yasha, and hot damn would that have been a slam dunk in points if she succeeded. These two continuing their Battle Couple vibes, with Beau looking to Yasha to figure out what the hell is going on and supporting her in her fight against the assholes.’

+16 to Beau/Jester for flirty hellos in the midst of battle, and Jester instantly reassuring Beau that Dairon won’t kill her, she’s so powerful and strong. Beau thinking of only Jester in her Very Shouty Plotting, thinking Jester can totally singlehandedly handle the whole rendezvous situation by herself and with two spells, because Jester is That Cool.

+350 to Beau/Stress (and +20 to Beau/Nerdom) as Beau’s copious anxiety-notes come to the rescue while they speak with the Bright Queen. Anxiously admitting she “thought of that” to every doomsday scenario presented to her about Dairon, half-screaming about the possibility of being murdered, and shrinking into herself as she says that maybe—maybe she can get away with not telling Dairon everything. Caleb employing Frumpkin to scarf around her because she’s starting to become even more of a basket case than he is. (Also, +12 to Caleb/Cat-Shaped Creatures, with this, Frumpkin surveillance, and cat-beats-horse badassery)

+10 to Fjord/His Inner Bard because apparently rhyming is just his thing now—addicted after “How much time, Keen Mind?” we now have the instantly iconic “Analysis Paralysis” and the return of the horrible, wailing Song of Distraction which seems specifically calibrated to induce vertigo and shut down brain function.

+10 to Caleb/Essik as Essik repeatedly vouches for the M9’s trustworthiness and capabilities “…and my tutelage.” Because the Bright Queen definitely needed to know that last part. Said in a sufficiently odd tone of voice that the Bright Queen “gives him a look” because she knows her spymaster, and he has apparently been sucked dry of subtlety for this conversation

+12 to Jester/The Bright Queen because Jester is fixated on what the Bright Queen is wearing at all given times, apparently, and gets squirmy and blushy over blue shimmery gems, and she cannot bear to leave without telling the Bright Queen how beautiful her outfit is, gosh, and daydreaming about tattooing her, which would involve contact with Skin and the possibility for Undress as well. Jester also outs herself as secretly wanting the BQ to be her sugar momma, hoping for an expensive dress to be gifted to her in return for the information they shared.

+25 to the Mighty Nein/The Skeletons in Their Closet as the Mighty Nein channel Leaky Tap vibes by bedding down with a mystery corpse. This time, one they can eat, theoretically. Also, that business with the Scourgers, and Orphanmaker???

-100 to The Mighty Nein/Breakfast. It’s a pattern now guys. You don’t eat your breakfast, you get beat to shit. Learn your lesson and get your morning calories in.

[200mgcaffeine]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E62

Downtime (n): a word which here means “bust a drug ring and spy on war meetings,” with some home improvement on the side.

*wheezes* Anyway, we do math no matter how stressed we are, yes? A mathematician must never be daunted by mere….madness. Masterpost here.

+23 to Fjord/Jester Outside experts were necessary for this. On the one hand, Shipping Calculus Law states that you lose points for facilitating a relationship to another person….but if you do that while also clearly getting “heart eyes” for the whole affair? Those rules no longer apply. We have, here, Fjord’s Over The Top “I Am So Cool Pls Notice” at Jester referencing his bravery at rooming next to her, and mutual, uh, attempts to comfort that are Deflected By This Deflecting Pair! You Would Earn More Points For Not Deflecting! Oh no, Jester, are you worried about your mom I’m sure she’s oka—NAH, FJORD, HOW ARE YOU. Are you feeling uncomfortable latel—NAH, I’M FINE I’M HAVING ZERO ISSUES WITH THE WATER EXCEPT THAT IT’S IN MY EARS AND I CAN’T HEAR YOU. Lots and lots of banter, and Jester asking Fjord about whether this is his first home, and offering him a mural because she’s a sweetheart. Point loss because Fjord did not accept the mural invitation which makes Jester, deprived of this gesture of affection from her artistic soul, very sad. Also, Jester’s hair was gross and that’s a tragedy for all Jester ships this week.

+8 to Beau/Jester Speaking of gross hair. These two—still roomates! Beau looking for the Best Room, as always! And for some reason, they very much don’t mind in each other all the things that would make them awful roomates to everyone else? Jester happily deals with Beau’s horrific snoring (if they ever have to split, Beau and Cads need to room as the resident snorers), and Beau handles Jester’s Hair Fiasco with nary a complaint, only a surreptitious request for some incense from Caduceus. That’s love. Point loss for Beau complaining about Nugget’s drooling—you need to love pets to love Jester, and that is law

-30 to Jester/Pets. But pets….they may not love Jester. My darling….forcing your beaten and world weary weasel (a ground dweller) into a tree dwelling against its will, forgetting your weasel’s name….I mean, you would think that someone would have sat you down by now to talk about consent (and that you never call someone you love by another name).

+20 to Beau/Gaydar And she foooooooooooools Caleb into thinking it’s a faulty Straightdar that has her saying he and Nott have tension. Don’t worry, Caleb, Beau understands you a little too well. And as we all know, ejecting a man from your room is a Special Lesbian Power bequeathed from the gods.

+2 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester because Frumpkin also got to hang out and gape at Fjord’s tremendously awkward honeypot display at the apothecary. Those three made a stellar Team A to the two-team investigation, with Jester and Fjord distracting like champs while Frumpkin learned of the invisible guard! Also, +2 to Frumpkin/Detective Work!

+18 to Jester/Yasha for Jester’s incredibly thoughtful and sweet wildflower mural for Yasha, and Yasha’s equally sweet surprise and thankfulness. A perfect combination of the ancient and venerable practices of  Seduction Through Art and Seduction Through Flower Arrangements—Jester is on top of her game. Point loss for sticking even a lovingly drawn dick anywhere in Yasha’s vicinity, that should be illegal

+2 to Beau/Yasha for partnering up to go to the library, yeah! A training pit, which is Ripe for Physical Contact Opportunities! Yasha being inspired by Beau’s bracers to get a set of her own, and you know how wlw love sharing clothing? I’m just saying.

+15 to Caleb/Caduceus A bit of an understated week, in the absence of Intense Conversation, but with a lot going on. Beginning, of course, with Caduceus making Caleb’s Special Gift the Literal Symbol of him “putting down roots” and spending a full week making it the centerpiece of the Xhorhaus and such an ostentatious landmark no one in the city will ever forget it. Caleb helps out with construction of the garden using cat-shaped spellwork,  and also invites everyone he meets to Come To the Krynn’s First Treehouse the man is proud. Frumpkin, too, climbing the tree, and it’s only a matter of time before Caleb does the same. Speaking of, Caleb once more pulling the “O, Large and Attractive Man, Please Shield Me From the Haters” card in a Cramped Alley, which Caduceus himself sort of initiated by aggressively campaigning for Frumpkin Spying. Nott gets +5 to Cockblocking for pulling Caduceus away to Detect Magic. Caduceus making windchimes to help make feel Caleb safe—though Caleb is sadly dismissive at the time No point gain for Caduceus’ very sweet and genuine and incredibly unsuccessful attempt to prevent the wizard from choking to death on his grand plans. Point loss for Caleb preferring to use residuum to craft a protective ring, possibly over trying to fix the sword that Caduceus is fixated on. Can Caleb’s Sword make him forget about it?

+30 to the M9/Winning the Local Dick Measuring Contest. You take a tower, you add a 60 foot tree as an elaborate penis metaphor, spread your seed all over the rooftop garden, and put permanent daylight in a region that is permanently dark and worships the Light. All right. Okay.

+20 to Caleb/Essik oh gods, and now we have evidence that a cleaned up fashionable Caleb is perhaps also a little bit catnip for the NPCs. Caleb’s silver tongue and flirtatious finger-wiggling with his special Cat Spell? Bowing and opening the door with magic like A Flirt? The favor exchange convo which is how Every Male Character Woos Caleb Apparently? Essik, for his part, giving up his schedule for the moment, strutting his stuff with his fancy spellbook and chuckling and asking for Caleb’s permission and no one else’s to enter the home???? These boys move faaaaast. We’ll see how this develops with time. Also, between the spellwork Giving Caleb Game and Frumpkin detectiving, +50 to Caleb/Cat-Shaped Creatures, +30 to Caleb/Plot Relevant Magic Gott-damn

+35 to Fjord/Caleb So here in Shipping Calculus, Intense Conversations earn lots of points and uh, there was so much steam from this one it got sound effects. Clasping of hands, promises, declarations, in a callback to Every Major Widofjord Moment Ever. Not to mention, the ambushing-in-the-room maneuver straight (?) out of a romance novel. Caleb taking a gentle pry bar to the locked door of Fjord’s past and insecurities, as all Fjord shippers ultimately hope to see revealed on screen. The mention of Mighty Nein being family? Admiration and resentment? We can remake ourselves into something better? Admitting to worrying about everyone? Saying Caleb is not crazy (but he may be, crazy for someone?) Point loss for Fjord not…..getting the caring thing up until the end, probably. Oh dear. Oh my.

+55 to The Cast/Ashley Johnson. Yasha never fucking says anything, but Sam and Liam both love Ashley. Laura wants everyone to fuck off except Ashley, she’s an angel and we’re glad she’s here.

-100 to Caleb/Astrid/Eodwulf as Caleb says at one point Astrid was “The One” for him. But Caleb. Why could it not have been “The Two?” Throw me us a bone here.

+1000 to Nott/Yeza KISS! THEY KISS! And Nott goes on about not needing to kiss for some things. Spending time in the hot tub together, and in the Lab together (thanks, Caleb!) and being Dangerous Together. Yeza offering to be a house husband and clean up the place while they adventure! Nott being too protective of Yeza to send him without protection to the Coast or the Empire!

+14 to Caleb/Jester as Caleb aims the full force of his Worrywart self at Jester’s direction over the Astrid letter—all Jester ships gain points for distress over Marion Lavorre, as it should be. Jester alongside Nott immediately and frantically insisting that nothing letter-related is Caleb’s fault at all, but hey it’s not Jester’s fault either, it was Nott who told her what to write and she didn’t know anyyything. The suggestion for “The Salty Sea” that Jester and Caleb (and Fjord, hello +1 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester) are tied up with becoming the unlocking mechanism for a secret entrance to Caleb’s library. Jester unfortunately funnels many points into +20 to Jester/Foot in Mouth as she makes sad Astrid conversation but more importantly the horrific “you’ll always be an assassin to me” flirt. Jester. Jester no. Jester you know how he feels about his past right. Jester?

+3 to Beau/Hosting which was great until the cocktail racism, damn that’s a lot of point loss

+70 to Nott the Best Detective Agency/Detective Work as they uncover evidence of a SUUDE OPERATION and listen in on KING DWENDAL’S WAR PLANS. Interpretation of evidence once more provided by partner Beau and Lab Guy Caleb, who between their history and arcana checks and shady histories shed light on the puzzle before them.

-15 to Fjord/Charming the Neighbors. Caduceus is unfortunately too busy with home renovations to be his sweet Lets Bake For The Neighbors self, so Fjord ventures outside and proves why there need to be three high CHA people in this party. Because while Fjord can swing a honeypot in a crisis and intimidate like no one’s business, his inclination to dress people down and match insult for insult makes things go pretty sour with Bylan pretty quickly. The obvious solution, considering Fjord’s skill set, is to redress the issue by undressing the man.

+100000000000000000000000000000000000 to CR/Naming It The Xhorhaus because it got a SONG!!!!!!!!!

[200mgcaffeine]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E60

Hello, and welcome to episode 60, otherwise known as THE RISE OF YASHA SHIPPING. We’ve been waiting and waiting for it, and here it fucking is!! Masterpost here

+15 to Fjord/Jester as they gain many Flirting Points with cute little “Heys” at each other in combat, profferings of healing potions, that weird slightly in canon liminal area of drink sharing, winking madness, Fjord dedicating the dead jellyfish to Jester like he’s some kinda knight (+3 to Beau/Cockblocking for pointing out the disturbing murder of what was once a romantic Fjorester symbol). Jester asking Fjord if he’s okay and checking him for possession (Bonus points for Body Contact!) Points taken away for Fjord griping about Jester/Pets, saying “It’s not your pet, Jester!” while Jester shouts back that she doesn’t even like it, thank you, she likes animals but she’s not going to go gaga over a murder demon you absolute asshole.

+9 to Caleb/Caduceus as Caduceus continues his trend of enthusiastically supporting Caleb decisions that the rest of the party very much do not enthusiastically support. “Good call!” he says when Caleb goes to burn the bodies in the Bone Pit as an anti-jellyfish precaution. Totally down with Caleb murdering creatures down there as there’s “not anything good that’s living down there” and along with Yasha joining the Pro Caleb NPC Murder Club. Caleb very nearly setting Caduceus on fire as well but avoiding it through the power of luck love, being adorably distressed that Caduceus might have been hurt, relieved when he’s fine.

+6 to Caduceus/Fjord as Caduceus encourages Fjord to “Stick by me, and you’ll be fine.” Looking after Fjord’s welfare by encouraging him to stay in the Hut, and acting as dedicated translator for all of Fjord’s ridiculously curious needs. The pair of them same-hatting on asking every single person they happen to meet if they know of any answers to their god problems. Points taken away for Caduceus’ short term memory failing to recall the second of Fjord’s questions as he gets distracted asking about the Blooming Grove.

+32 to Yasha/Jester. Okay. Okay. So, trying to cooperate over turtle flipping: good. But the real thing. The real thing is. During Yasha’s first dream, Jester is the first body she sees after Mollymauk’s, the first and most important after him of the “somebody you’ve let in.” The only person she’s really willing to speak to after she wakes, despite her discomfort. The first person whose strength she thinks of when trying to break her shackles. The one she listens to, over Caduceus, when it comes to how to approach her god—to just try to talk to him, bring Jester and her friends along. The one she models when she tries to connect to the Stormlord—drawing a dick in the mud because if nothing else works, this has to, this is Jester. Jester being the most sweetly supportive of Yasha after her dream, even while Nott minimizes and Caduceus godsplains. Jester fucking….sleeping in the rain with Nott so that Yasha won’t be alone, enduring ridiculous amounts of discomfort and lost sleep just to be there for her. They are…..love. This is…..the true birth of  Jestasha.

+1 to Beau/Yasha as Beau accomplishes an epic battle move by sliding between Yasha’s legs (just not in the way she was hoping). Looking piningly at Yasha’s sleeping face. But, as has been decreed by the Shipping Gods they are two ships passing in the night, destined never to meet.

-10 to Yasha/Nott. Nott initiates cuddles, but Yasha is uncomfortable.

+17 to Fjord/Caleb as Caleb tries his damned hardest to use his spellwork to protect Fjord—and failing. But it leads to Body Contact nonetheless, and a terribly sweet “sorry, big guy” which only means more with every NPC under the sun (looking at you, Soorna) continuing to poke at Fjord by calling him “small.” More Body Contact with Caleb switching over to Fjord as his chosen squeeze while looking through Frumpkin. As with Jester and the jellyfish, Fjord looking towards Caleb to check if he’s noticing him Being Cool with the three point landing (Do I spy +1 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester?) Fjord as always putting way too much stock in Caleb knowing everything, all “Caleb, think of every blue fabric you’ve ever seen” as he attempts to CSI the riftmaking device. Fjord also as always being Caleb’s #1 Magic Fan, going absolutely NUTS when Caleb polymorphs the giant, ruffling his hair and screaming “YOU BEAUTIFUL WIZARD BASTARD” and probably coming close to fucking breaking the wizards’ concentration in the process. Points taken away as Fjord realizes just how scary the turtle still is and how this horrible snapping thing may still cleave him in half. But at the rate Fjord is escalating the Magic Love, you just know eventually Caleb is going to cast a spell and Fjord is going to get so excited he kisses the wizard.

+5 to Caleb/Being a Trendsetter as comically exaggerated pronunciations of Eldritch bleeeeeeeeehst are now officially the standard for all members of the party.

+10 to Travis/Dice Superstition as he picks new dice after rolling ones, runs dice competitions to decide which is worthy to play with, and Very Superstitiously dreading a 666 of failed wisdom saves from Fjord, Beau, and Caleb.

+10 to Caduceus/Excitement. “There’s something in the pit.” His head lowers and his hands shake when he gets stressed, but bless him his voice is as calming and monotone as ever.

-100 to Fjord/That Spoopy Shit as he spends most of the battle screaming his (average sized, thank you) lungs out

+2 to Caleb/Cat Shaped Creatures at Cat’s Ire was finally allowed to do its killing work!

+20 to Jester/Beau as Jester gives Beau a 7 for the holy hell she causes with her punching! To which Beau gives a funny little bow. But most, most importantly, Jester noticing Beau staying up reading and worrying to death, giving her a massage and Body Contact to calm down and sleep #TheyAreMarried and fuck Travis/Fjord’s Attempted Cockblocking because that was the most transparently and extremely romantic moment in the entire goddamn episode. Points taken away for Jester saying Beau’s drawing looks “kind of shit.” Maybe now that she’s granted permission for Beau to draw dicks she’s concerned Beau will start infringing on her Territory as the resident artist.

-1 to Nott/Detective Work. She did find the riftmaking device, but unfortunately it was circumstance that brought her back to the Bone Pit, and not her Keen Detective Mind remembering at that moment to investigate the area as Soorna’s stated origin of the demons and a trash bin’s status as an Excellent Hiding Place. More points taken away for Destroying Evidence when she shot the device and scattered the liquid inside to be lost forever.+12 to Nott/Gunslinging though.

+1 to Fjord/Detective Work as he continues to bargain and push for important information about the way the world works and what is happening from the people he encounters—gaining Soorna’s story in exchange for their efforts. He didn’t gain information immediately relevant to the Case, but it is good Detective Practice nonetheless

+5 to Beau/Detective Work as she finds the scrap of fabric in the Riftmaking Device—a solid Clue! Genuinely looking for links between the riftmaking device and her own vestments, comparing notes, looking for the black liquid and brainstorming with Caleb over potential motivations for creating Abyssal rifts. Points taken away for misidentifying beds as sarcophagi, which sort of casts a pall over her detectiving skills. 

+20 to Beau/Nerdom for being more interested in explaining books and theorizing to Caleb than actually fighting. It is something when you can stand next to Caleb and make him look like a jock in comparison to your nerdy antics. Never change, Beau.

+6 to Caleb/Lethality as unfortunately he has murder on the brain so much that even when he’s not trying to make things deadly, he still manages to incinerate a poor innocent little goblin, barely skirt blowing up Caduceus, and morph what he meant to be a harmless turtle into a killing machine.

-2 to Caleb/Jester. Caleb is a fan of Jester’s smart idea with the Tiny Hut. But between accusations of criminality and Jester’s extreme distress over Caleb’s Goblin Roasting, ‘twas not the best week for these two.

+2 to Nott/Jester. Beau may have gotten a 7 for battle maneuvers, but Jester gives Nott 8 points!!! Nott cuddling with Jester at night, waking with her to reassure Yasha. There’s the sense Nott went out into the miserable rain maybe a little more to spend time with Jester than anything else.

+12 to Nott/Being a Team Player as she throws herself into harm’s way to defend Fjord from Caleb’s horribly botched polymorph! She is too small to be much defense but damn if she’s not going to try!

-3 to Nott/Fantasy Racism as despite her conflicted feelings over goblins she attempts to respectfully lay Caleb’s murder victim to rest. +10 to Caduceus/Cockblocking for undermining the moment by sticking the whole goddamn corpse in his bag so he can question it in the morning

+5 to Caleb/Kooky Comparisons as he compares farming the Beacon for Luck potions to getting eggs from the golden goose. Caleb thinks almost entirely in terms of fairy tales and farming/peasant idioms, and one of these days someone needs to collect all of the little oddball things he says.

+50 to Kord/Midwifery “STRUGGLE. PUSH. STRUGGLE. PUSH.” Rhythmic, firm, supportive but also tough, which is exactly the kind of midwife you want during your existential rebirth.

[200mgcaffeine]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E65

Why no one started singing the K-I-S-S-I-N-G tree song during this episode, I have no idea. Thank you to @alarnia and @softazelma for helping with data entry. Masterpost here.

+500 to Liam O’Brien/The Sympathy Vote If anything, the investigative report humanized the man, what with his agonized expressions, the hard choices he’s making, the deals, trying desperately to hold onto his friendships. Sam Riegel seems like a robot in comparison, with very long bits. #VoteWithYourJohnson #LiamForPresident

-100 to Marisha Ray/Trustworthiness as the person in charge of the investigation into Liam O’Brien’s campaign, we expect a certain amount of clearheadedness and integrity, which does not include getting high before giving testimony. Fire her from the case! #VoteWithYourJohnson #LiamForPresident

+23 to Jester/Yasha for an adorkable conversation about Yasha’s hard rock harping career, using the imagination to handle hard feelings together, as all good Jester ships should. The offer to wipe Yasha’s memory again if there’s anything she doesn’t want to know or remember #ThatsLove, and Yasha channeling Jester’s slightly unhinged love of animals and peacemaking by speculating they could offer the udak some scritches to quell its murderous impulses. Yasha quoting Jester only about 500 times a day, worshipping the ground she walks on, believing she has the power to heal the grass, and then placing that grass into her pressed flower book to remember the moment with #ArtisticSolidarity.

+31 to Beau/Yasha, with a few Battle Aftercare Points for Yasha helping up Beau after the fight, and for an even more emotionally charged watch conversation that resulted in a Ljore Drop from Beau. Talking about past loves and betrayals, the “types” that Beau prefers. Yasha appreciating Beau’s lack of judgment, Beau only slightly ineffectively wielding her I’m-Horrible-Too trump card, Yasha saying she’s “seen” Beau “a lot.” Floating the idea that it is actually possible to move on from Zuala’s death. Beau offering to help Yasha dig up the body, because that’s not weird at all, That’s Love. Darlings. Points taken away because the focus of the conversation was almost entirely on other people they love and have loved, and Jester, which brings us to…

+10 to Beau/Yasha/Jester, as in the launch of the second major intra-party poly ship in the shipping calculus lab, we have two wlw who spend a substantial amount of their Lesbian Bonding Time just talking about how beautiful and perfect and incredible Jester Lavorre is. Fuck Caduceus, this Literal Saint walking amongst them can heal grass with her spit and her “radiant glow”. With the same logic, we can expect that her toenails cure poison, her kiss brings you back from the brink of death…Also, Jester lending Verbal Support to Yasha’s physical support after the gloomstalker battle, as Beau wrestles with embarrassment over not having done anything

+10 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester as our second poly ship gains points with Caleb saving both Fjord and Jester from plummeting to their deaths and Fjord taking the chance to thunderstep them both up the tree again!

+17 to Jester/Fjord but as usual, Fjord’s contribution to the Rescue-the-Jester operation looks a lot flashier, so he gets more of the Romance Credit. Not only that, but many points for a competitive tree-climbing adventure straight out of a romance novel where Fjord’s Need To Impress The Love Interest gives him enough adrenaline to actually beat out Jester on athletics, swinging her up safely into the branches like a magical green Tarzan. Fjord (and Beau) being lovingly sketched in Jester’s book so she can remember the moment forever. Excellent Battle Couple vibes in distracting and shooting down gloomstalkers while on the moorbounders, not once but twice. Fjord also made an admirable attempt to Rescue-the-Jester during the first gloomstalker attack, but Caduceus got +6 to Cockblocking for immediately assassinating the charmed gloomstalker before Fjord’s spell did any good. Fjord yelling at Nott for not listening to Jester. Plenty of point loss, however, because Fjord is never going to learn to love Jester’s animals, losing his cool and yelling about what her “fucking animal is doing” STOP, Fjord.

+5 to Jester/Caduceus, for the aforementioned gloomstalker assassination, and being #Blessed alongside Yasha and Fjord, but point loss for Caduceus rolling his eyes at Jester’s well-meaning attempt to spit the grass to life and saying “that’s not how it works,” saying “that’s not how it works” about the scrying despite having never succeeded in doing it himself, and for Jester insisting that the massive tree is an evil “vampire tree,” much to Caduceus’ dismay.

+15 to Caduceus/Arts-n-Crafts for sweetly weaving a sunhat for Yasha while everyone else does dumb shit like nearly getting themselves killed, damaging a holy tree and antagonizing the largest bird of prey in  several miles’ radius. He’ll probably sit through whatever encounter happens next week continuing to weave that hat.

+20 to Sam Riegel/Heatstroke as he responds to Concerns over his sweating and over-warm getup by putting on more layers. I’d expect a President with some more self-preservation in him, but if he offs himself with poor costuming choices at least he’ll be taken out of the running, am I right? #VoteWithYourJohnson #LiamForPresident

+16 to Beau/Jester They also earn many Battle Points, as Jester sends her nastiest Guiding Bolts (according to Sam Riegel, an expression of love) rocketing towards the gloomstalker attacking Beau. Beau instantly thinking of Jester’s skill with art and asking her to copy the map, and Jester adorably sketching Beau as one of her favorite people up in the tree, besides thinking that Beau’s tree climbing skills are Incredibly Impressive, and sneaking alongside her and Fjord to get a better look at the roc nest. Point loss for Beau saying Jester’s map was “garbage” which, even though Beau meant the map itself and not Jester’s skill in copying it, Jester still took personally.

-10 to Caleb/The Mission as he confesses to “losing faith” during watch with Nott, feeling like they’re failing and they don’t know what they’re doing.

+25 to Caduceus/The Mission as despite the Wildmother telling him Things He Did Not Want To Hear during his Communing session, Caduceus gets a massive, massive sign he’s going in the right direction in the form of Melora’s tree, and a detailed vision of all the places he’s expected to go to when he sleeps that night.

+19 to Caduceus/Nature as Caduceus plays around in the dirt, pokes at some interesting moss for several minutes, and gets to hang out, utterly smitten with a massive tree that is the best thing ever look at it.

+4 to Caleb/Fjord as no one listens to Fjord’s desire for a short rest, and even his puppy eyes directed at Jester is not enough to sway them, until Caleb catches on to Fjord’s plight and uses his #ItPaysToBeADamselInDistress power to say he wants a short rest, and shift the party to his favor. Caleb wanting some light to read his now-apparently-waterproof book for the Tiny Hut, and Fjord eagerly offering to cast a spell to make Caleb and everything around him darker. It’s the thought that counts? Point loss for Fjord ignoring Caleb’s advice against antagonizing the chasing gloomstalkers.

-2 to Caleb/Cat-Shaped Creatures as asking Frumpkin-the-Vulture with his razor claws to knead and drape himself on people is not nearly as comforting as actually having a real-life cat do it. However, +10 to Caleb/Vulture Culture for that and for turning himself into a huge bird of prey to cart Nott around.

-5 to Jester/Cat-Shaped Creatures (also -5 to Jester/Pets) as despite attempting to comfort Yarnball after the first gloomstalker fight, Yarnball remains spooked enough to break formation when they encounter them again, at which point Jester channels Alison Hargreeves vibes by lying and using mind control to get the poor thing back in line.

-4 to Fjord/Caduceus as Fjord gets a special, potentially life-saving visit from the Wildmother in his dreams, delivering him for the moment from Uk’otoa….and repays her by fucking up one of her most sacred places on the planet with repeated wood-shattering Thundersteps. Caduceus can’t watch.

-40 to Fjord/Uk’otoa as Uk’otoa now has a schedule of bothering Fjord every one to two weeks. I shudder to think how Uk’otoa is going to react once the Wildmother can’t protect Fjord anymore, now that he’s escaped from their clutches once.

+1 to Fjord/His Inner Bard for motivational rapping of...questionable quality

+3 to Caleb/Caduceus as Caleb very sweetly refuses Caduceus “wasting” his light spells on him, asks him about his feelings towards the tree. Caduceus looking to Caleb before anyone else to see if investigating the turtle shell is a good idea.

+4 to Nott/Jester as Nott offers some excellent advice on how to get ones’ way—ask the same question over and over again until you get the answer you want, and if that fails, do what you want anyway. Jester being the Most Concerned with Nott’s drinking, and alongside Caleb successfully steering her away from a suicidal (though heroically romantic) standoff against the gloomstalkers. Nott helping Jester and the others float safely down, and instinctively trying to save Jester and Fjord during their first fall. Bonding over an appreciation for big square dicks, which would only, and I mean only count for point gains between these two individuals. Point loss for Nott calling Jester “crazy” and saying she’ll scar Luke for life, which is probably just a deflection but a hurtful one. Jester catching Nott after she fails to climb the tree and just barely managing to stop herself from being negative and saying “Good effort!” instead, because Jester can’t help but feel like it’s her job to Be Encouraging.

+30 to Nott/Keeping It Together Maybe as she’s totally fine, she’s just going to drink a lot and nearly kill herself trying to stand off against the gloomstalkers and go stealthing alone in the middle of the night and rip the heart out of her enemies—she’s fine guys. It’s all under control

+2 to Clerics/Loneliness, as both Jester and Caduceus are abandoned to take a watch alone. Even so, their love for the others shines through, with Jester phoning up Kiri, and Caduceus preparing breakfast for everyone.

+1 to Caleb/Jester as Caleb tries to gently defend Jester to Nott, a few different times—a difficult thing, to dissuade Nott of anything!

+25 to Nott the Best Detective Agency/Detective Work and Beau/Nerdom as Beau is the one to find the map of the area to have Jester copy, alongside Nott’s excellent vision catching Melora’s tree at a distance. Then, Nott’s investigation of the tree alone demonstrating Admirable Detective Curiosity, while Beau is the only person to recall exactly what the tree is and its significance to the Wildmother and the Calamity. Jester finding their target running his hands along some mountain in the Prenumbra Range, looking for the correct place to put the emblem that he bought from the scout courier.

+3 to Essik/The Mighty Nein as he is “proud” that they’re hanging out cheerfully in the middle of the Badlands. At this point Essik seems to have just accepted that they’re a dumpster fire and has resolved to pat them on the head so long as they do the bare minimum and keep themselves alive. A few days from now they’ll give him a call from the bottom of the ocean, yes yes that’s very good children, we’re very proud of you here and that’s what I’ll tell anyone who asks because it’s not like I staked any part of my reputation on backing you to the Bright Queen or anything.