#shitty hcs

[marlowethebard]

Emmrook HC:

For like, no reason at all, I imagine Emmrich making this face when he first realizes young Rook is romantically interested in him.

[senor-cummies]

what is the snowling hierarchy? why don't we have one?

Wild. It comes from his Hyrule, okay? Also, the advantage of stasis. He either gets a spare or a strike but he's walking away with 600+ points at the end of the match.

Twilight. This man is so painfully good at both Snowling and Boom Bang Golf (which Wild SUCKS at, actually) and Pondo is GREEN with envy.

Time. He needs to be good at something and he might not be able to cook or sing or read but he can calculate angles so???? that had to be worth something????

Warriors. Not only not is he mediocre good at it but he brags everytime he gets a strike or spare. We love him but he has sore winner written all over him.

Legend. He will play dejectedly, only put half his effort in, and somehow end up with one or two pins standing. How is he so good without even trying?

Wind. He will hit the pins on the first throw, get five or six, and everyone's chanting "YOU CAN DO THIS WIND! GET A SPARE! WE BELIEVE IN YOU!" and then the second throw IS A FUCKING GUTTER BALL.

Hyrule and Four are both here for the same reason. They'll use stasis, a might elixir, CHEAT, and it will ONLY. ROLL. INTO. THE. GUTTER. They've shared collective rage over it.

Sky. He will be distracted and miss his turn because he's too focused on trying to figure out what the fuck snow is and why it's wet and solid???? Ice??? From the sky?????

Bonus: Malon, she's unpredictable. Sometimes she sends it straight down the middle in a perfect strike. Sometimes it's a gutter ball. And then there's the Wii Sports occurance. It flies backwards and hits Time square in face.

next post will be shield surfing

[cartoonsrulemylife]

Do not trust wiki on Carols/ Kenny's mom age

in canon her age is never confirmed she married Stuart as a minor just bec kev is 13 how does that prove it?

She could be 30+ 30 year olds don't look like were 50 you know.

in my late 20s hell at 29 people thought i was still 16 a woman and a hotel guy i just look super young carol looks young don't mean she's not 30

Pedo Stuart is a shitty headcanon and nothing more

I ain't gonna be nice abt it bec headcanoning someone as a pedo is crappy no excuses. Come up with other angst ideas

I can buy he's hit Kevin but a pedo? Nope didn't happen

Carol gave him a black eye and calls him a loser but what does she do nothing

they sold meth for money and don't even use it for food they're both crappy parents one is woobified bec she's a girl

I've seen this three times it needs to end

[valdemarfuckers]

more Shitty Valdemar Headcanons!!

vulgora has let valdemar know of their arrival by shouting “PAGING DOCTOR VIVISEXY” through the halls a la that scene in the hangover.

julian was like “you better go, doctor vivisexy...” as valdemar blushed and angrily growled “if you say that again i will sell your soul to the devil” and julian suddenly never thought of it again

once hired the minions from despicable me to work for them but got too annoyed with the little yellow fuckers after like 15 minutes

has traveled the world many times over, usually chasing various diseases and pandemics. one place gets a cure? move on to the next place that they hear has been having strange afflictions lately

in a modern au they would be entranced by seth everman

their medical knowledge is way ahead of their time, but in a bad way. they’d be in ancient India or medieval europe talking about hysteria as a medical condition, or put emphasis on “bleeding out” a disease before the concept of the four humours was popularized

can shapeshift, which then implies they deliberately chose their appearance and have consistently stuck with such an appearance for at least a few years. they Know we’re h**ny for them. they know.

when it comes to alcohol they’re the biggest lightweight. they also prefer absinthe over beer, wine, vodka etc

one drink and they’re pole dancing on a support beam in the dungeon. you’re not sure where or how they learned to do that...

[senor-cummies]

Alright, I know i said shield surfing was next but I was thinking about Boom Bang Golf so here's a slight detour

As per mentioned in the snowling post, Twilight is the boom bang golf champion. Gorons are canonically the strongest entities in Hyrule (which makes you think considering wild, also canonically, has the strength to break through 4200 femurs at once with minimal effort, how fucking strong are the gorons?) and Twilight is stronger than a Goron so of course he can whack a giant boulder with a mallet really hard. But bing bang golf is more than that, it's both about strength and about angles and he has strength and he's good at math and thusly unstoppable.

Time, the same thing that makes him good at snowling makes him good at bing bang golf and that's his ability to calculate complex angles in his head. He isn't the greatest at it, sometimes he hits it to hard and it goes a bit further than be expected, but one thing is for sure he knows how to angle himself so the ball stays in the course

Sky. In my personal opinion, bbg is about patience and intelligence, and those are fields Sky thrives in. Not only that, but golf in all senses can be incredibly irritating and you need to be able to keep a level head to be good at it. This is another field where Sky prevails.

Hyrule and Four. Other, as far as I'm concerned, Links who can keep themselves contained and not scream and yell when they get pissed off. They aren't the best at it, it takes them at least 6 hits to get the boulder to the finish, but they're patient and level headed so they reach the finish.

Wind and Warriors. You know what I said about you needed to be calm and level headed AS WELL AS strong? They get so pissed off. They hit the ball, stasis breaks, and it rolls down the path. They're jumping, cheering, and then the ball rolls of the edge and now they're screaming and cursing. (especially Wars bc for every inch a sore winner he is, he's tenfold a sore loser and legend makes fun of him)

Legend. He doesn't much care for the sport, then again he doesn't much care for anything, but he eventually gets into it. Suffers from the same problem of yelling profanities every time something goes wrong.

Wild is SO bad at bbg. So terrible to the point that he won't even play. He sucks. He know he sucks. He'd much rather flirt with Modar anyway.

bonus: Malon is, of course, the middle ground. Incredibly strong, and incredibly smart, but maybe not as patient as Time and the others which is her weak point here. (yes i know im acknowledging malon MIGHT have a flaw of some sort. blasphemy) however, she will score more points than Time and Time will be so proud of her and she will brag so loud about it

[valdemarfuckers]

it’s Shitty Headcanon time

muriel loves animals. all animals. if a giant spider makes a web in his hut he’ll be like “thank you for blessing my home”. catches flies with his bare hands to give to his spider roommate

vulgora bathes using laundry detergent

valerius loves cats. he has a massive, fluffy lavender-point girl named Jasmine and she is his baby

in the reversed ending, birb!julian has a corkscrew penis

valdemar listens to depeche mode

[themadcapmathematician]

I love how I love Kryptos bc like...he's not even really a character. He has one line. He has 5 minutes of screen time. He has no other expanded material made for him. Technically I don't love a canonical character, I love a characterization I personally created for him that isn't even particularly shared by most ppl. Its just me. Kryptos is practically my oc. But unless I like...transfer his character into some other story and design I can't even claim him as my own or do anything with him. I can write about him as is but there will always be a small audience for it and I just have to accept that. So my point was... What the fuck??? What the fuck am I doing??? What the f¿¿U??ck¿¿¿???? Who does this????? Who wastes thier time like this?????? What the fuckley fuck??????????

[themadcapmathematician]

also imagine: trans sans