You grimace at the nasty taste, choking down the last piece of shroom chocolate. You'd heard countless times about how fun tripping was. How maybe you could make peace with yourself in a world where everything seemed to be a relentless fight with your own head.
I'm going to die. Oh God, Oh God what have I done!? Why do I keep doing this to myself. I'll never put a drug in my body ever again just get out of me. Youre frantic as you lean over the toilet, forcing your fingers down your throat, desperate to get it out of your body before it starts.
Your eyes fill and you realize its helpless. Sitting back on your knees, weighing you options. Im so fucking stupid. I knew better. I knew better and I still did it. I will never do anything again. I have no choice... You scramble to you feet, youre trembling like crazy.
"Daddy?" You stumble through the hallway. "Hey Honey... whats u-" Tony is cut off by your certainty of the "lethal dose" you took. "Dad! Im so sorry im so sorry. I took- i took-" you cant even say it youre so scared and out of breath. "Hey calm down. What did you take honey?" Tony's cold hands are on your cheeks as you yourself are trying to remember what you took.
"Shrooms- I- it was this chocolate!" "Im going to die!"
"Okay. Good. Thats managable." Tony is honestly relieved. "You're not going to die. You need to calm down." He's at your level now but you just cannot be consoled. So certain you're going to be horribly sick.
You're looking everywhere but at him. One hand has a death grip on his old black sabbath T-shirt, the other tugging and shoving to the best of your ability to get him to realize you're serious.
"Its going to be bad i know. Just call someone! Help me!" Youre out of breath, nauseous, and so scared to be out of control of your own body. How could I be so stupid to take something I was explicitly instructed not to take in a bad mindset. Im depressed as shit off of substances. Why did I think this would be good???
"How do you know that?""I just do! Im- Im depressed as shit and and I dissociate. THIS IS JUST GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE IM GOING TO DIE!" Tony is trying so hard to just get you to calm down.
"No, no youre not going to die and watch your language. You need to calm down you'll be fine." But none of his words seem to be landing. Hes nudging you back to take a seat on the overpriced couch that smells like shoe cleaner and a fragrance store at the same time.
Everything looks blinding. So sharp and bright. The overhead light makes her shield her eyes with her hands and his voice is echoing just a half a second too late. Youre spinning though you body is only trembling.
"Hey, look at me. I need your eyes."
You're so sure youre going to die or pass out or throw up... or all of the above. "Woah dad... my feet are fuzzy." You slurred. He had to bite back to keep from giggling. You're so gone.
You keep rubbing the couch. It feels electric... so weird. At this point, youre too dazed to comprehend. Your pupils are massive and your skin is slick. Heat crawling under it.
"Daddy... its really hot in here." You whine. "Its going to be fine. Here, hold my hand." His hands are firm and cool... youre breathing finally slowing down.
"Tell me five things you can see, go." You have to really process that. Its like your brain isnt working but at the same time is working at a million miles a second.
"Kitty." You perk. "Kitty is in the other room kid." You're thoughts are now racing. No coherence or comprehension whatsoever.
What??
If he cant see it, maybe its my cat.
What if the cat is judging me.
What if the cat is disappointed in me.
What if the cat is Dad and Dad is pretending not to be a cat.
What if I am the cat.
You stare at Tony.
Hes saying theres no cat.
So either hes lying.
Or reality is lying.
Or my brain is lying.
If my brains lying, what else is fake.
Are my hands real.
You squint at Tony. "What if you're the hallucinations." "Okay... you're having too much fun.""Youre a cat!"
Tony deadpans... "You got it. Im a billionaire feline. Dont tell the press, though. Shhh."
#the amazing digital circus
#photography
#coquette
#love and deepspace
#bloodymary
