#si malaya

[malayangmalaya]

See this through with you, I will.

[malayangmalaya]

[malayangmalaya]

I Can’t Keep Up

I can’t keep up See, I’m not just sad or just alone I can’t keep up The days been running too fast And I don’t want to keep up With the speed, with the fast pacing Of everything, of leaving people Of trying to pursue dreams Of trying

These days can I just sit down Stare at you, maybe And just let time pass me by Let my friends wear their Self-proclaimed trophies Let everyone cry about their Colorful lives Let everyone tell me they have Secure bank accounts I don’t really care I don’t want to join their game It’s too petty It’s an illusion, a bait, a trick

Can’t you see?

No one’s ever too happy Tell me what you do when you’re alone And you’re not having an intimate time Tell me what you do When everyone has left you Do you hug the likes and the hearts that you get Do you fancy over the comments And tell yourself “Hey, world, look at me, everyone likes me”

Because the truth is it’s all a lie A hack of reality A disparity between what’s called life and lie Because the truth is you also want to cry When you’re alone and no one’s asking you out Because they got new friends to spend their nights with Go home wasted, and they have already forgotten How you took care of them

I can’t keep up So go along, don’t drag me Don’t waste me Don’t try to tell me I’m running too slow One day I might get left out

I’d rather stay here, embrace humanity See where my vulnerabilities can take me I can’t keep up With your mask parade I like it raw and broken I like it me I like it just it is

Slow, so I can smell the winds Slow, so I can count the grace falling on me Slow, because I’d like to take time To thank every person who has come to help me To tell me that “Hey, you’re not alone”

I can’t keep up And maybe I never will Just tell me how it is in the finish line Because I think I’m not running towards A finish line, or a one-stop destination

I can’t keep up See, I’m not just sad I just choose to be The human I’m supposed to be

[malayangmalaya]

NANINIWALA PA RIN AKO

Naniniwala pa rin ako Kahit hindi ko na mabilang Kung ilang beses ako nasaktan Nakakita ng mga taong umalis Nakarinig ng masasakit na salita Hindi madali Gumising sa araw araw Makarinig ng balita Na kagabi lang may binawian ng buhay Sa di katanggap tanggap na paraan At sa kasalanang pwede pang gamutin Ayusin Hindi na ba kayang ayusin Pero naniniwala pa rin ako Na kahit marami nang hindi Marunong magmahal at magmalasakit Kahit marami nang sinugatan At binunutan ng pagasa May mga natitira pa ring Kagaya nila Na kahit hindi magkakikala Kahit pinaglalayo ng di malamang harang Ng lipunan Ay marunong pa ring makakilala Ng kapwa tao Marunong pa ring magmahal Sa kabila ng maraming pagkakaiba Marunong tumanggap ng mga bagay Na sabi ng lipunan Layuan mo sila Hindi mo sila kilala Sasaktan ka nila Pero hindi ba't pare-pareho lang tayong Sumusubok mabuhay

[malayangmalaya]

Hello, Stranger

I was once a stranger, your stranger.

Until you told me your name. But I guess that doesn’t make us any less of a stranger to each other.

You asked me if have some time to spare, maybe get to know you a little bit more. I guess what you should have asked is if I ever want to get to know you. But I nodded, because the night bored me, and because strangers are always nice people to talk to.

I can lie, and not feel guilty. I can lie, and still feel like I’m telling the truth. You wouldn’t really know, unless you spend some more days trying to know me. Strangers are like walking empty cans – you can dump anything and not feel sorry about it. After all, you’re just strangers who happen to share the same time and the same space at that very moment.

“I think people are helpless,” you said.

“I think you are helpless, and on top of that, pathetic,” I sneered. I didn’t want to buy your stories, I didn’t want to get amused by how differently you look at life.

“And you’re with me tonight, so I guess that makes us two helpless and pathetic people.”

“Who happen to seek comfort and temporary disillusionment through alcohol,” I intended to finish your sentence.

And as I looked at you, the more it felt like I’m conversing with a total stranger – and that invited me in. I wanted to get to know you, but remain innocent of your life. I didn’t want to be a part of you or your short stories; I just wanted to know, how life has been for you. And how I wished that you wouldn’t tell about me to the people in your life. That would make me something familiar to you; that would make me a part of you.

And I didn’t want that.

But the wrinkles on your face, especially the lines on the side of your eyes, they invited me in. I wanted to get close, get nearer, and see you from a comfortable distance. From a distance where no stranger would dare to go.

I wanted to stay innocent of you, and to not smell like you when I walk out the bar. I wanted no taints of you, no trace of us opening up to each other. But you were such an empty man.

And empty people are perfect lures for sad, and lonely people like me. I can’t tolerate too much positivity, and too much assurances. I like it messy, and chaotic. I like it empty, so I could fill in. I like it empty, so I wouldn’t feel more alone.

I never once opened up to you, and I hope you noticed that. You only knew my name; never my address, never my job, never my favorite color, never anything. And it never bothered you.

You only knew my number, and you kept calling me to keep you company. You said you wanted me, and that I was a good friend because I know how to listen. But see, not speaking is different from listening. You only want me as an escape. You only want me as a doormat, as a reassurance of your miscalculated decisions. You only want me, because I don’t tell you what and what not to do.

You’re tired of life and of everyone, and you want a perpetual stranger beside you. So you could rant, so you could be real and not be judged.

But tonight, yes this night, I want to open up. I want to break the gap, and the barrier separating me from you. I want to move away from being a stranger, to being someone you’d ask, “Where do you live?”

I want to tell you how I admire you, and how I wish people could’ve appreciated you a bit more. I wanted to ask, I wanted to be a friend. I wanted to be someone you know.

Because knowing too much about you and your misfortune lures me in. I like you and every single part of you that hurts. I like them, but I don’t want to heal them. I want them to hurt, stay there longer, and bruise or wound. I want you stained of your own mistakes, drowning in regrets.

Because you’re a human, after all. Knowing too much about you makes me want to kiss you, maybe in the forehead, and tell you, “Hey, it’s not okay, but guess what, I’m here.”

Seeing you like this – drenched in nicotine, and smelling like you’ve never washed your jacket – makes me want to kiss you. This time, maybe in the lips, so you can pull me close, and I’ll start to smell like you.

I want to know you, and be a part of you.

“Strange, huh? That the very moment we feel familiarity towards someone, we start to lose interest.”

You smiled, and left. And yes, I will always be your stranger.

____________

I know you, I have always known you.

I have watched you from afar too many times that I know where you work, and where you live. I have watched you far too many times that I know exactly where to go that night to meet you.

“I think people are helpless,” I said lousily. I knew you were never the type to engage in a conversation with a stranger. You hate strangers; you detest the idea of not knowing. How do I know? I sit behind you in your favorite bars, and once, I heard you say, “Can’t we all be too familiar with each other and never have to worry about our safety? And never have to worry about being judged by how you look today?”

I wanted to get to know you, but I know you will never come to open up. You’re too afraid. You’re a living oxymoron; because despite your detesting the strangeness, you’re never the kind to keep people. You’re never the kind to attach yourself to people. You wanted to be familiar with people; but being familiar and knowing them are two different things.

I am familiar with your face, your smell, your favorite color, but I don’t know your story. I don’t know why you’re consistently wearing that frown. I am so familiar with you, and I hate it. Because it makes me want to know you.

So I called you from time to time, even if I knew you wouldn’t really speak up. I just wanted to see you, and be near you. I just wanted to remember how you smell, and take it with me when I get home.

You are an empty person. And on top of that, you’re a cold-hearted human-being. You don’t let people hurt you, because you’re afraid you might self-destruct, again and again. You don’t let people stay for too long, because you’re never used to holding on. You’re a master of letting go, and leaving people.

But never of staying, and keeping people.

You treat people like walking empty cans – like you can throw them off anytime, and not feel sorry about. You might even feel happy for throwing us out. At times, it invites me in; it makes me want to break the high walls. It makes me want to be someone who can be a part of you; someone you’ll tell your friends and blog followers about.

I want to be a part of you; an indispensable part of you. I want to be the person you’ll first call when you’re undecided. I want to be that person that you can’t leave, even with so many reasons that you can already have.

I want to kiss you now; I want to kiss all the parts of you. I want to taste your bruises and your wounds, and I want to taste like you.

If I ever kissed you, I will run my lips on your cheeks, and whisper to your ears, “Let your guards down, we’re both wounded people.

I’m not here to heal you, nor to break you. I’m here, just here.”

But if I did kiss you, I know I’ll never see you again.

So I’ll go instead, keep these nights in my head.

I want to keep you as my stranger.

[malayangmalaya]

Gabi

Ikaw yung gabi na araw araw kong hinihintay Para lang hindi na makita Kung gaano karaming peklat ang meron ako Para lang hindi ko na kailangang magtago Kung naiiyak ako Ikaw yung gabing hinihintay ko Para yakapin ako Para itago ako sa kanila Sila na mapanghusga At sasabihing hindi tayo Pero ikaw pa rin ang gabing alam ko Na kukupkop sa akin, itatago ako Kasabay nang pagtatago sa ating dalawa Dahil sa tuwing mag-uumaga na Ay kailangan mo na akong isauli

[malayangmalaya]

I own up to at least three-fourths of the reason of the breakups I had. I was too selfish, too afraid, too prideful, and too independent.

But here’s something for you. Please keep in mind I’m not keeping these as promises; not because I won’t be doing my best to do all these. Simply because, I think promises are overrated.

You met me at a strange time of my life. That time when I’m too burnt out to love, too overworked not to keep working, too fed up with losing people; yet I keep going. I was on the edge of believing I will have to this life alone. I was convinced that I was always the problem, and maybe I still am. It was just too strange and normal at the same time. But you know what’s even more strange?

You.

I don’t want to romanticize us too much; and you know how I’m not your mushy girl. I always behind my thoughts, and the simple words I can remember from my small dictionary.

You’re a bit strange, because I’ve known you for so long; yet this was the only time I really got to listen to you. You were a man I’ve known from the stories of other people; a man I’ve known, yet I can never call a friend, or someone I can relate to. And it’s a bit strange that when you started talking, I just felt like listening. When you started talking, I kept telling myself that “He’s a kind of person who understands.”

You did understand, and you did see pass through my mistakes and misfortunes in life. I would have judged myself too much if I were another person; but you never did. I feel that everyday. Even if I keep telling you how skeptic a person I am, how questionable my decision-making skills are, and how messy my previous years were, you just stayed beside me. With you, I never felt a hint of doubt.

You’re you, and that’s what I like so much about you. You tell me when you’re sad, and when you’re scared. You show me your vulnerable days, and you apologize for your fears even if you don’t have to. If there are sides of you that still hide, I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t rush you in showing every single facade you have. I’d rather have Time show us who we can be individually, and who we can be together.

I’ve already written you quite a number of letters, and I hope you wouldn’t mind reading more letters in the coming months and years. I live in words, in poems, in proses, and in letters. I pour myself into letters, just so you can bring them with you wherever you go. So this time, let me tell you this.

With you, I feel like I can be someone who knows how to love. With you, I feel like I can take risks, and let go of my selfishness. Because I keep harboring fears of losing you. Not that I want to own you in any way, but see, losing you comes in so many ways. Losing your stories every night, losing your jokes, losing how you cheer me up, losing how you make each day a better day, losing your love. It’s a good kind of fear, because it’s not something that pushes me to own you. It’s something that inspires me to keep being better; it’s something that keeps me going. With all these emotions, and vision, I always keep in mind one of Master Yoda’s legacy statement, “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

It’ll be unfair to tell you that I will try; because there’s not so much weight to that statement, really. So, that only leaves me telling you that I will do my best in keeping us.

Sometimes I wish we could take a peek into the future, just so we see if we do end up where we want to be. But I do wish a lot more that we don’t. I want to take this journey, with eyes closed, and only with my heart opened. I want to take heart, and believe each day even without really seeing. I want to take hold of the faith that I have, and trust that we can make this work.

With all that being said, the truth is, I only really wanted to tell you this – Welcome to my awkwardness. I’m awkward in too many ways, and in too many situations; I think you already know that. I won’t hug you when you’re being sweet; I’d bully you instead. I won’t get flattered too much when you stare at me; I’d get irritated most of the time. And if you notice, I do make awkward faces.

A toast of love to our awkward days.

[malayangmalaya]

Nasan ka na?

Gusto kitang tawagan, sabihin na itigil mo na yan. Pero baka kasi isipin mo na kaya pa nating ibalik; pero hindi naman na kasi.

Alam kong suot mo pa rin yung kuwintas na ibinigay ko sayo noong mag-isang taon tayo. Alam ko rin na pinapatugtog mo pa rin yung CD na ibinigay ko sayo nung birthday mo. Alam ko lang, kasi kapag nakikita kita, alam kong tinatawag mo pa rin ako.

Tanda mo noong huling gabi natin na magkasama, ang sabi ko sayo, kung magmamahal ka ulit, sana hindi yung katulad ko. Hindi yung katulad ko na masyado mabilis magbago ang isip, hindi kagaya ko na hindi mapirmi sa isang lugar, sa isang trabaho. Sabi ko rin sayo kilalanin mo muna siya, bago mo sabihing gusto mo siya. Dahil hindi naman lahat ng tao makikilala mo nang simbilis nang pagkakilala mo sa akin. Dahil wala naman akong itinago sayo; ang sabi mo, gusto mo yon. Ang sabi mo, matatanggap mo ako, ano pa man.

Sabi mo lang sa akin, mahal mo pa rin ako at hindi kita dapat sisihin kung ganun yung nararamdaman mo. Sabi mo, walang papantay sa akin, walang hihigit sa akin. Siguro nga, pero hindi mo ba naisip na napakasakit noon para sainyong dalawa? Kung mamahalin mo siya, pero alam mo sa sarili mong ako pa rin ang mas mahal mo? Hindi ba nakakapandaya naman yon, na ibibigay mo ang sarili mo sa kanya pero ako pa rin ang gusto mo.

Masyado kasing matigas ang ulo mo. At hanggang ngayon, kahit lampas isang taon na tayong magkahiwalay, hinahanap mo pa rin ako sa ibang tao.

Pero sasabihin ko sayo na hindi mo ako makikita sa mga kinang ng mata niya. Hindi mo ako maririnig sa mga kantang kakantahin niya sayo. Hindi mo ako makikita kung kanino pa man.

Tahan na, tapos na tayo. Tapusin mo na rin yang pagiyak mo dahil sa mga pagkukulang natin sa isa’t isa. Tapusin mo na rin sisihin ang sarili mo sa mga bagay na sana ginawa mo, pero ni minsan di mo tinangkang gawin. Tahan na, tapos na tayo. Tahan na, patawarin mo na rin ako kung mas pinili kong umalis.

Hindi na tayo mauulit, pero sana sa tuwing maaalala mo tayo, maging masaya ka na lang. Na minsan tayong naging isa, na minsan tayong naging sapat para sa isa’t isa. Hindi na tayo mauulit, pero sana kapag babalikan mo ang mga alaala natin, hindi ka kailanman magsisi sa ating dalawa.

Kung magmamahal ka, siguraduhin mong hindi ako ang hinanahap mo.

- - - - - - - - - -

Isang taon na pala, pero parang malabo pa rin sakin lahat. Kung bakit tayo natapos, kung bakit mas pinili mong lumayo at iwan ako. Ipinaliwanag mo naman sa akin, pero sadyang hindi ko mantindihan kung bakit.

Kaya kahit sabihin nilang masyado nang matagal para iyakan at hanapin pa rin kita, hindi ako mahihiyang sabihin na, “Bakit ba? Hindi naman ikaw yung nawalan, at hindi naman ikaw yung umaasa.” Tutal, iniwan mo naman ako, pwede bang huwag mo nang ipagkait sakin yung mga pagkakataon na balik-balikan yung saglit na pagkakataong nagkasama tayo.

Noong isang buwan nga, halos araw araw na ako lasing. Walwal ba, ganon. Pero hindi ako nahihiya. Kasi pakiramdam ko sa mga gabing hindi ako makalakad nang tuwid, doon ko nakikita yung daan pabalik sa ating dalawa. Kung saan ako nagkamali, at kung kailan ka nanlamig.

At sa tuwing makakakilala ako ng bagong tao, una kong hinahanap yung kinang ng mata mo, yung lamig sa boses mo. Sunod kong hinahanap yung init ng mga yakap mo. Ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap ko, at baka naman makakilala rin ako ng kagaya mo.

Masisisi mo ba ako? Masyado ko nang pinlano yung buhay ko na kasama ka, na ikaw yung katabi ko sa lahat ng pagkakataon sa buhay ko. Masyado kong inintay yung araw na ako lang yung uuwian mo. Yung araw na tayong dalawa lang. Masyado kasi akong nagtiwala na kaya nating dalawa. Masyado akong kampante na ipaglalaban natin ang isa’t isa, uunahin ang kapakanan nating dalawa. Pero mali pala. Sana pala, minsan nagkaroon din ako nang pagdududa sa tuwing sinasabihan mo ako na mahal mo ako.

Masisisi mo ba na ikaw pa rin ang gusto ko? Kung ikaw lang yung unang taong nagtiwala sa lahat ng kaya ko, at nagmahal sa lahat ng kahinaan ko? Kung ikaw lang yung taong nagsabi na sapat ako.

Kaya eto, ilang lalaki na ang nakilala ko, para lang hanapin ka. Nasaan ka na ba?