#sideaandb

[theflipsideofaandb-blog]

Side A: Kinda Smitten

OMG GUYS IM NO JOKE ABSOLUTELY SMITTEN! I never in my life thought I would ever, in my life, use that word to describe me. I’ve been walking around practically giddy and.... happy. Like actually, genuinely happy, so much so that it would take A LOT to change my mood. I don’t think you have any idea how long its been since I’ve felt genuine happiness. 

Okay okay, let me update you guys, because you’re probs like da fuck she was no joke confused as fuck a week ago.

So basically, we talked this weekend and I feel like we managed to hash things out. We were both confused for a while and he sort of distanced himself, which I’m not going to lie, hurt. I’ve come to realize I’ve grown really attached to him, which kind of worries me. So anyways, he texts me Saturday/Sunday (at like 2 am, so I guess Sunday technically) and he’s like what do we do, I’m confused blah blah blah. Basically I managed to push the topic enough to actually figure shit out. And ssoooo fast forward to 6 am that same Sunday, and we’re sitting in the car, having the most incredible conversations. Everything flowed so naturally and it was just the easiest conversation I’ve had with him thus far. And it just felt really right. We were out together for 4 hours (yes, I didn’t get home till 10 am) and I did not feel the time go buy.

We talked about kids, random, I know, super weird too btw. And he also said he wanted to meet my mom, to which my reaction was like OMG NOO. LIKE SHE WOULD DIE. DIE. AFTER SHE BECOMES HYSTERICAL. PASSES OUT. COMES BACK. KILLS ME. SHE WOULD DIE. So we negotiated and I told him take me out on a proper date first and then we’ll discuss the prospect. Anyways, we made out. Obvs. But I feel like I pushed for it this time more than he did. I no joke asked him to bite my neck, and at that point he pretty much lost it. I just could not get enough! He is such a good kisser! Aggressive too. Which is SO FUCKING HOOOTTT!!! Like there’s so hot about how aggressive and territorial he is about me! Like UGGGHHH (thats sexual frustration). As I was about to leave I looked over at him and the only words I managed were “I’m sorry... I just can’t...” and I pretty much jumped him. It’s safe to say I have two insanely prominent hickies on my neck, and I fucking love it! Is that weird? I looovveee that he left bruises on me, which is kinda fucked up I know. But IDGAF.

Anyways, bottom line is I’m super smitten. And I can’t wait to go out with him. And I’m trying to keep in mind that I could end up hurt in the near future, but here’s to hoping it won’t happen. 

Sorry for the long and probs boring post.

Love, 

A. 

[theflipsideofaandb-blog]

Side A: Confused as Fuck

Supp bittchhess!! 

Sooo basic recap because its been forever I know. Okay Okay basically H is totes out of the picture, like goooddbyyyyeee asshole! Ahhh its been such a relief not having to deal with his narcissism and neediness and just over all SHIT. We got into a huuugee fight and I was basically like: A OUT! Byee Feliicciiaa!  

Also, I got a cat. I turned 20 and realized that everything is basically downhill from this point forward so I began my journey as a crazy cat lady. 

Anywayss, K is still in the picture. Quick recap after I left off: him and I stopped talking for a while because he just could not get his shit together and I could not deal. Howeveerr, in a moment of sadness a few weeks ago I texted him. And we started texting as people do in this modern era and all that fun jazz, and as always shit got complicated supes fast. So basically, I actually saw him. At 6 am on a saturday morning after both our nights out. I didn’t really get home till 9  am that night..day? morning? Obvs as you’d expect we made out. And btw, he’s a super aggressive kisser... and biter. Totes had a PG-13 50 shades moment there. So basically shit goes down the friday afterwards. He crosses a few lines and I’m obviously unpleased and quite frankly uncomfortable. He doesn’t talk to me all weekend blah blah blah. Then oobbviousslyy today (Monday) morning he texts with a millioonnn and one excuses as to why he didn’t reply to my last text on friday. And I fucking hate excuses. Just admit you were wrong. Don’t give me some excuse and place the blame on some other undeserving entity or situation. Fucking fess up. So long story short he wants something super casual. 

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?!!! CASUAL?!! YOU WANT SOMETHING CASUAALL?!! AFTER ALLL THE FUCKING SHIT! HE WANTS SOMETHING CASUAL! LIKE GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!! THE SHIT YOU HAVE MADE ME PUT UP WITH AND THE SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE SEX-THIS-IS-AN-ADULT-RELATIONSHIP-WHAT-AM-I-SUPPOSED-TO-DO-HERE TALK YOU WANT SOMETHING CASUAL???!! I literally had to bare through that conversation (this is the one that happened friday) for you to fucking tell me you want something casual?!! Guys, he fucking asked for a nude and when I said no, he got pissed, was like KBye pretty much AND THEN ASKED AGAIN AS THOUGH I’D CHANGE MY MIND. Went into this whole you’re a virgin (because I amz, dont give a fuck, done being virgin-shamed which is like why the fuck is that a thing in our generation. Like you should be ashamed if you’re a virgin, yet slut-shaming is also a thing. Wtf people? Get your shit together) I don’t know how to navigate that, I’m a guy who has needs. Like who fucking doesn’t. And nnooowww, after I make the fucking effort to step soooo far out of my comfort zone to explain to you what is and is not okay with/will be okay with me further on, HE WANTS SOMETHING CASUAL! I cant. I just cant anymore. Like wtf about all the shit I have had to deal with says causal to you guys? Like actually. Like even all the conversations we’ve had and the telling of secrets and all that fucking craziness. How the hell does that say casual.

He apparently and clearly had a fucking epiphany this weekend and was like yeah I want something casual. SMH!! And as we were discussing this today I made it clear that like I can’t do casual the way he wants to do casual. Like I need some level of trust in order to do anything you know. And obvs with casual sex is completely out of the question. So like what. Like I guess friends have an established level of trust but thats because they start out as friends and this clearly didnt start out that way. Anyways after this whole confusing conversation. He’s like but I like you. LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. WE LIKE FUCKING HAD THIS WHOOLEEE CONVERSATION JUST SO WE’D END UP EXACTLY WHERE WE STARTED. 

I’m just not dealing at the moment. Some of my friends are like you should be like Bye Bitch, and then others are like do the casualll thing, you’re 20. You can’t stay a pure ass flower forever. Which I kind of agree with. 

I kind of came to the conclusion that I’m not going to do anything. Because I really do like him. But after this long-ass post I feel like I should just make things clear like sex isnt happening btw. And then be like bye bitch. He’s also super condescending about my age which is like wtf, I’m 8 years younger and my shit is more together. 

So basically thats me. I’m sorry for the long post. It’s been a while. 

A. 

[theflipsideofaandb-blog]

Side A: Hit Me Like You MEAN IT

An intangible being. A whisp so vacant I couldn’t feel it touch my skin,

seep through my pores, climb my walls.

It waltzed into my very consciousness

effortless side-stepped over the various

quadrants of my mind. It expanded, taking over my

system.

It was taught under my skin. I couldn’t contain it, i felt the pressure,

always.

The one disadvantage? It never inhibited my ability to feel pain on my own charge.

I had lost all control,

it broke through me. Exposed itself to the air outside my body, slipped out as passively as it came in. I was not good enough, strong enough, I couldn’t hold on to it.

It left me,

vacant,

in vain

searching

for the extinguished light of my former being.

Does this mean I have to start again?

Collecting stardust?

Maybe this time I won’t lose myself.

And maybe this time i’ll install a roof after

I’m done

rebuilding the walls.

[theflipsideofaandb-blog]

Side A: Cats and Babies

Side A here,

So I know its been a while, like a really long while, but I've been on vacation and so has Side B. And when I last left you off it was between these two guys, the Heroin addiction and the Knight... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOL GUYS ARE ALL ASSHOLES. Yeah, I feel like that accurately sums it up. H still loves me but still won't commit, and probs never will, and isn't as attentive as I hope he'd be. I mean I'm away for a month and a half, and when I get back, it's like there aren't enough hours in his day for me. And K does NOT have his shit together. I mean I don't either, but I really do expect somebody 7 years older than me to have soomme of his shit together. If only slightly together. Like I'm good with it all being on the same floor, but you guys, his shit is like on next door neighbor's lawn. And it just doesn't seem like he can deal with everything and with my existence, so there really is no point.

I need a cat you guys. Like seriously, who the fuck needs people. A nice cat that will be bitchy and snobby and miserable with me. It'll be the Fuck People Club. And I'm ssooo good with just that.

I mean part of me feels like my professor and I would make such great babies, and a part of me just wants a cat, a vibrator, and wine, lots and lots of wine. You're probs wondering about the professor part. Well, before I transferred and moved across the world, Side B and I took a class together freshman year and the only reason Side B took the class with me was because I thought the professor was hot (still do). Anyways long story short, said prof and I are now on speaking terms, and not exactly on a professional level per se. So yeah, if I could just convince him to make babies with me, I feel like my future would be set. He's also into super kinky sexual stuff, which is pretty fucking great. So making babies would be a blast too.

But yeah thats about it for now.

A.

[theflipsideofaandb-blog]

Side A: Many More Maybes

Side A here,

Sorry it's been forever. Life happened and I've gotten side tracked. Work has been a never-ending, adrenaline-inducing hell. Spoken like a true workaholic, I know. Between market week and photoshoots, its been hard to find time to eat or sleep, much less be a human being.

Can I just say, before I get started on how crazy yesterday alone has been, I'm listening to Hilary Duff's new album and I mean it isn't old school Hilary Duff but it isn't that bad. "My Kind" is definitely where I am right now, and if you listen to the song at the end of this post, I think you'll see that.

So I'm about to introduce to you guys, somebody else that has been integral part of my life, and seeing how the number of characters in this story are growing, I guess it's time to start naming them. How about we call the guy I've been talking about for a while K (for knight in shining armor) and the guy I'm about to introduce you to, H (for the heroin addiction I will forever struggle to kick). I'm going to start with H and get to K later on.

H and I have known each other for what's about to be two years, and man have those two years felt like being in the eye of a storm. A bit of background on H: he's bi-sexual but has never been with a girl, has commitment issues, and is the first guy I fell in love with. It's always been touch and go with him. It was truly like a storm; I was picked up off the ground, thrown around and then dropped, hard. The relationship truly lifted me up and simultaneously shattered me in ways I never thought an individual could possibly survive. But I did and happened to have done so several times over the last two years. It was a track record on repeat that went more or less like this: Track 1. I'd fall for him (again), Track 2. I'd tell him I love him, Track 3. He would tell me he felt the same way ten-fold, Track 4. He'd promise me he'd try to make things work between us, Track 5. He would get scared or his insecurities would get in the way and he'd back out, Track 6. He'd try to make it up to me. Repeat. And it's taken me a few months of therapy, and quite a significant amount of strength to put that particular record away. The last time I played it was just over a month ago, believing it would be the last time, but I guess I should have broken it instead of just hiding it, because he tried to replay his record last night. He told me he was still "completely and madly in love with me" and even though it would probably never work out, or at least not right now, one or two years down the line he'd try and win me over again. I mean you're probably wondering how I reacted, and really I've heard the song so many times, it failed to phase me. I mean I was touched, but what is a promise made to MAYBE happen two years in the future. And hell, if one or two years down the line I'm still single and he actually manages (for once) to keep his promise, then maybe. But as for now, I'm done putting my life on hold for empty promises and unlikely probabilities.

As for K, man where do I even begin? So basically, I was overreacting, he is still interested. But his ex came back. Like why? I swear to you people, I am meant to be forever alone. She came back, and obviously you'd expect that to mess things up, and it did. And I mean I get what broken is, I know what damaged means and trust me, there's nothing more beautiful than a human being whose been tainted, abused, and bares those scars on his/her soul. I don't go looking for people who have clearly been through a lot and continue to suffer for it, but I always seem to stumble upon them. And he is so beautifully stained. If I have to give him time, I will. Because he's one of those people that you feel the need to take care of before you take care of yourself. I have never been so wholly and easily myself with anyone else, not even H, and as silly as this is, I don't think I could bare to lose him after having gotten to know him. He feels like safety. And man has it been ages since I've known what that feels like. I'm leaving in a little over a week for a month and a half, and I couldn't bare it if I didn't see him before I left. A part of me doesn't want to leave anymore, because I'm so afraid it'll ruin everything. He told me he'd chase me to the ends of the earth if things weren't so complicated at the moment, I just hope that remains true two months from now (even though I know that's unlikely, a girl can dream, right?) I hope he keeps his promises, because I don't think I could handle many more maybes.

I'm sorry for the long post. But it's been therapeutic. On a side note: seriously, listen to Hilary Duff's new album.

A.

[theflipsideofaandb-blog]

Side A: Can This Just Not Be The Case Right Now

Side A here,

I know its been a while since I've written anything. Work has been absolutely insane and then the new season of Orange is the New Black happened. But anyways, let me update you on life.

First of all, I'm hungover and feel like shit. Like this is what death must feel like people, because its fucking terrible. So it's safe for you to assume last night was kind of crazy, but much needed. I kissed a girl. Which should be like so what right? But I've never kissed a girl. And it was just a peck so I don't think it counts by most people's standards. I also got hit on by a very hot married guy with 3 kids. That was a disappointment. Overall a solid night out. I drunk texted the guy. You know, the one I keep talking about. He replied this morning. It was so ordinary, it literally embodied the word "meh".  I still don't think he's interested. I asked him to hang out on Saturday, so basically the day before yesterday, and he obvs gave me a bunch of excuses and asked for a "super rain check". If I could insert a loud, obnoxious snorting noise here, I would. I mean I just don't get it. If I wanted to text somebody, I could text people from literally every corner of the world, so why the hell would I text someone an hour away instead of actually seeing the person? How ridiculous is that. Like what if I completely misinterpreted everything and he was just being nice. I don't know. Whatever. But not whatever. Because one second he's the most attentive, honest and charming person on the planet and the next it's like he's down to negatives in his fucks to give bank. I just don't get it. He clearly isn't interested. I don't know what else to do. Like being myself shouldn't be enough. You know when you want something soo badly, and it isn't happening/isn't happening fast enough, and all you're left with is crushing disappointment? Well I'm at the crushing disappointment-fuck-you-life phase. I would have actually introduced him to my parents, he is that kind of guy. And jeez if you knew my parents, my Arab parents, that's saying something, especially since he is no where near Arab. I'm just annoyed. I wish he'd ask me out. EIFHKEW OFWEHIFFWEHHIUFEWHUEWHIUWEIHU WWHHHYYYYYYYY. Fine, the world can be an asshole, and he can be an asshole, and I'll just sit here and deal with the fact that there is no prince fucking charming or at least some realistic version of that coming my way any time soon. And you know fucking what, if he was truly well versed in the language of me, HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN TO ASK ME FUCKING OUT ALREADY! So he's clearly delusional about how well he thinks he knows me. I give up. The world can be an asshole to me if it wants, I'm so used to it I barely give a shit.

Hopefully my next post will be less drenched in emotions of anger and frustration and more filled with delusional Disney fairytale bullshit.

A.

[theflipsideofaandb-blog]

Side B: Believe Again

Side B here,

I used to be the bright eyed optimistic incredibly naive girl who believed in happy endings. I noticed that I stopped believing. I stopped believing that I will find the love of my life reading my favorite book, or I will find the right person who I have known forever but neither of us has known about our feelings. I stopped believing in the innate goodness of people, when faced with the choice they will choose the right way. In fact I stopped believing that right and wrong even exist, because everything is quite relative.

There was no traumatic event or bad relationship that lead me to this way. I think slowly every day I kept losing a part of me, and I was desensitizing the pain, so I did notice the change. I think with my line of study it is quite expected. Most politics students enter university thinking they can change the world and leave depressed.

The worst part of this lack of believing is that it has made me lose my ambition. Starting college I had a lot of ambition. I was going major in politics and graduate with honors (HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT ONE REALLY IS NOT HAPPENING)  then I was going to work in an NGO for a year, then go to Harvard and do a Joint JD MBA and have a social entrepreneurship project that helps communities around the world. I was also going to work at the end right before I retired. To say I am ambitious is the understatement of the century.

Classes slapped me in the face with professors who called me an idiot, such as one that I only took because I wanted to stop side A from completely embarrassing herself, which she did anyways. I also interned and saw what the real world was like. It was cutthroat and ruthless, and so so so full of bullshit. I got to know people and trust them too fast and end up regretting it.

When I fell for Nate, I fell hard. I fell fast. I could not admit it to most people, except maybe side A, who for the record never really appreciated his beard. I kept telling myself I liked other people, like this guy, lets call him Simon, who was a complete and utter tool.  I was so involved in trying to convince myself I liked him that I almost forgot that I was so smitten by Nate. Life happened, and freshman year ended. I spoke with him throughout the summer, which was an awful summer because my best friend was leaving me and moving to the other side of the world.

Nate and I got even closer my second year. I met a guy who I thought I could really like. He was the same nationality as me, which is a big deal to my parents. The guy was sweet enough, but not really my type. Turns out he actually was secretly dating one of my friends, and neither of them told me but luckily Instagram is a very good investigative mechanism, and I was able to connect the dots. Nate was on my mind the whole time, and I just kept trying to supress it.

So much so that I tried to set him up with someone in order to forget about him. That was fun because I was driving my friends crazy. They all see him as a very serious guy, and though most see the physical appeal, they do not see the personal one. Everyone said they could not see him as a the type to be in a relationship because he was so serious about everything, and in the two years we had known him, he had shown interest in no one.

I tried to forget about Nate for a while because I had a suitor, who seemed to be the perfect guy for me. We had similar backgrounds, and he was just the type of guy I had always imagined, also not bad on the eyes. The only drawback was that he was a lot older than me. Which is not something I see myself disliking in the future, but in this case it was a bit of a problem. Another part of the problem with this suitor was the fact that I had developed feelings for Nate, and they were growing stronger. In fact a couple of times I mentioned it to Side A.  In the end it did not work out with the suitor and I took that as a sign of me belonging with Nate.

To be continued...

[theflipsideofaandb-blog]

Side A: It is Most Definitely Me

Side A here,

I know who Side B is talking about! Hahaha and yes his accent is very thick, he's also quite hairy.. Anyways, maybe we should get back to whatever it is I'm about to tell you.

I overthink everything. A lot. All the time. And it's difficult for me to accept things at face value. I've recently been introduced to the idea of "healthy skepticism" but I don't quite think that applies here. It's actually an over-analyzation of every possibility and every angle of a situation, till exhaustion allows me to take a break. The conclusion tends towards self-blame, whether it be me doing something wrong or something is wrong with me. And I've been facing that a lot lately. From possibly having to live alone because I might have potentiality lost both possible roommates, to being alone because WHY ISN'T HE TEXTING MMEEEE (the use of capital letters is to emphasize frustration). The earlier has caused a slew of possible panic attacks that had to actively be kept at bay all day yesterday. As for the latter, well, maybe I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough, or old enough, or charming enough. Maybe I'm just not enough. Or too much. Or just enough with something missing, something nobody can quite put their finger on. But who knows. According to him though, he does. He's fluent in A, or so he thinks. I highly doubt anybody, much less him, would be able to tell my mind works at a million miles an hour towards a destructive path, just by knowing me a few days. He's given me hope, but I have nobody else to blame but myself, for being so naive as to allow myself to hope. (Do you see what I mean by self-blame, destructive, etc.) I bet you I'm the last thing on his mind right now. Watch him run after he'd gotten to know me, I sure as hell wouldn't blame him. Hell, I'd run the other fucking direction from myself if I could. I don't think I'm what he wants. Or what anyone wants for that matter. I just, I don't know. Disney is starting to look like it's failed me.

I came to realize a few months ago, that I've always held the knight-in-shinning-armor concept very tightly, because I would like somebody to rescue me. To save me from myself. From my own personal hell. The one I've never managed to crawl out of. The dark, soiled, and humid ditch my mind lies in. If he could just pick me up and carry me home. But that's an unreasonable thing to expect out of anybody. So maybe I will settle for being just friends. And I'll lie in my ditch a while longer.

A.

P.S.: People can't fathom Side B and I's friendship because while I fail to show vulnerability in front of others, B is strong enough to do so.