#sidetalks

[evil-dog-girl]

"calling those things disorders..." Bitch it ruins my fucking life, what should I call it, avoidant personality party pooper?

[evil-dog-girl]

Intersex variations are a field that's pretty undocumented. Even if 40+ variations are known, there are plenty rarely found or completely absent from medical literature.

I am one of those cases. My picture seems like a Swyer's one but the chromosomes are XX. I did a full genetic exam and it came out a deletion of a gene that should have effects only if it's on both chromosomes (recessive). This test took a whole year and it came out inconclusive.

I continue to have possible diagnoses in my medical folder but nothing official because the physical differences are there, I literally had no puberty and my ovaries didn't develop.

I just wanted to say an official diagnosis is not that important to identify as intersex, to be intersex.

[evil-dog-girl]

On coping mechanisms pt. II: sleep and emotional regulation

There are two important things I think are worthy to discuss. Let's start with sleep.

Some of you know I've had been suffering from insomnia for the last six months.

I know where it was from: although there was probably some things that kept me awake, it was mostly about lack of control. I couldn't control how fast would I fall asleep. I wasn't falling asleep in the right way. Having to get up before 9 was making me feel panic. I wasn't going to get enough sleep. I couldn't afford a bad day am I right? Even though I had literally nothing to do and I wasn't going to fall asleep during the day for getting five hours of sleep instead of eight.

I was literally obsessed. I had to sleep eight hours. I couldn't. I was counting the time I had to fall asleep to to get eight sleep hours. I was put on benzos for that, I was literally living my days in anxiety because of that.

I postponed a travel two times. I wasn't going out then. I didn't have my sleep hours so I couldn't go out. I was punishing myself. I started going back to university one month and a half later.

The thing is: I wasn't tired at all. I was scared of the consequences of lack of sleep... But there weren't any. I can roll just fine even with four hours of sleep, maybe not as efficient and getting tired past 7pm, but I wasn't doing anything at the time.

I never really slept eight hours through my whole life. I slept always six to seven hours, maybe eight on Sundays off school, but boy I was 14 I needed more sleep hours back then.

And so what I couldn't fall asleep without looking at the phone? And so what I need a YouTube video playing in background? Who knows how many people fall asleep watching tv. I stopped doing that because I had to MANAGE my sleep, because it was BAD, but who the hell decides it's BAD? My body probably produces normal levels of melatonin when I'm looking at a screen, since I basically stay 10+ hours looking at one, either studying, working or during leisure time.

And who cares how much sleep I get. Tomorrow is a new day and there is coffee in the morning.

I can finally afford to enjoy my coffee without feeling any guilt. I can drink my beloved drink in the morning without thinking I'm not going to sleep.

Because it wasn't affecting my sleep. At least not in a bad way.

And, with all this trainwagon, the emotional regulation came naturally.

I don't have that much time to get anxious. I'm not much anxious anymore. I'm less anxious than the average person, in most situations (which are the ones excluded? Yeah the ones related to avoidant personality!). I'm much more impulsive and I've basically healed my social anxiety (which was a covid consequence, I didn't have social anxiety before).

I've reverted to a better state than before covid, even though the personality disorder ones worsened. But that can't really be helped right?

[evil-dog-girl]

I can't find the damm post but sometime ago I read one that said a very important thing:

"Keep busy with survival".

I know how silly it may sound. But for me it's been a really effective coping mechanism.

I've been drowning myself in things I had to do. I started studying a lot during the day, just being at university even to just rest a bit. I've been sticking to a routine that gave me much less at home time than before, since I was going out during the day and coming back a bit before dinner. I was so tired, I was actually enjoying those little free time spaces I had.

I was not crippling bored anymore. I was more tired. I can fall asleep well most nights... And what if I didn't? Who cares, it's another day and I won't let my sleep ruin it for me. I'm still going to do the best I can. And so on.

It's been one month and a half by now. The last month literally flew, I don't know where those 4 weeks went.

I'm going forward with my studies to a very high speed, I'm building up the lightweight relationships I need to have a nice time during the day, I'm even working on my hobbies, whichever I want to do to relax that night. I give myself a space to think but it doesn't eat my whole day anymore.

Yes there are times I don't want to do anything. Sunday is basically rest day (and that's REALLY important or burnout will say hello). I still had the most productive Saturday this week, doing all the things at home I've postponed this month (except cleaning lol).

Keep busy with survival. Better days are ahead. For now, just let it pass.

[evil-dog-girl]

Unpopular opinion: asking to not be judged is an impossible desire.

People will always judge. It's implicit in the human nature. Everyone values people with their own measures. And you can't change it the slightest.

What should be changed is harmful behavior, whether it's violent, insults or whatever. But the personal beliefs, opinions, judgements... It's an impossible work, draining and, most importantly, not your job.

The only thing you can work on is yourself. Learn to be less and less affected by judgements. Other people's opinions are not that important. Let them think whatever they want. If they try to stop you, they're in the wrong spot.

[evil-dog-girl]

tNPDfw you only exist when others are present, if they react to you or your actions.

When you're alone you feel like you're nothing, dead, floating. The deep sensations of emptiness, you're bored. You are not a good companion to yourself, you search others to entertain you. And you yearn for that recognition. Even if you know deep down you're only a wandering husk, you can't show it. You have to be charming, interesting, magnetic.

You either are the perfect person or a nobody, because why should anyone choose you as a companion, if you don't enjoy yourself either?

[evil-dog-girl]

I've come to the conclusion that, even if I actually end up being diagnosed with NPD and not AvPD as I've always thought (which at this point it's very likely), it won't change that much to me. It's not my fault I developed whatever disorder I have and I know damn well how I choose to act with people.

Does it make them uncomfortable? Does it hurt them? It's not my problem. I know I'm not abusing them. They don't get along with my true self? Oh well! Their problem.

I've repressed myself throughout my whole teen years, because what I was developing into was "wrong" and "no one would ever love me if I behaved like that". Turns out people didn't love me this way either. So, if I'm unlovable, at least I should do whatever the fuck I want, right?

So what if I'm angry? So what if I get in a fight? So what I don't like some people? For whatever fucking reason! As long as it doesn't hurt me or the people I care about, then whatever.

I'm not a monster.

[evil-dog-girl]

By the way I'm starting to understand why am I so obsessed in understanding my own symptoms the best I can and do extensive research to know what's going on.

I have a low level of trust in medical equipes. And honestly everything that I go through only validates my thought. Is it a faulty thinking? Probably. Do I care? No. I know what's best for me better than anyone else.