My partner (F35) want communication when she is with other partners. I (M39) do not. Polyamorous relationship.
We're polyamorous, so I know things are already a bit wonky here. My partner Birch and I have a disagreement about phone use and communication. You see, I struggle with rumination and getting her off my mind is nearly impossible as it is. I'm really struggling with her being away already. Intensely so and I'm really struggling to manage it. In an effort to reduce how much I think about her, I like to limit my phone usage when she is with other partners. I'm not sure if it helps but it is the only option I really have. She has other partners and spends a significant amount of time away, and I spent a lot of nights alone. I have on person I'm recently seeing, but only once or twice a week. Either alone or with her, I much prefer to put my phone away and to just live my life like I'm single. This helps with my rumination and my feelings of jealousy. Birch, however, wants to stay in constant contact. She feels insecure and alone when she is away from me. I get that, but she's also choosing to be away from me, so I don't feel like it is my responsibility to be there for her in this scenario. She is with a partner who she claims doesn't provide her with the support she needs, but I do not see this as my responsibility even if so. Her belief is that I am her partner and she deserves and is entitled to my communication no matter what the scenario. I firmly disagree, especially as my mental health is challenged when I am alone (I'm working on this I promise you). Birch gets very upset with me and it has been causing conflicts for months, especially now that I am seeing someone else and have been communicating less (5 hours going by has been common the last few dates I've had with my new partner). I lose track of time, silence my phone, and generally just focus on the person in front of me (which is incredibly helpful for me). She feels distance, and gets nervous, which I get. Long story short, my stance is that if she wants my attention she should be with me. Otherwise I should be free to communicate as much or as little as I prefer. She thinks I should be there for her at all times. So, we're at an impasse here. How does everyone else handle phone communication? What is the best way to navigate this situation?
Since neither of you is willing to compromise, this is an incompatibility. It's time to think about splitting. Neither of you are happy in this setup, so why drag it out?