#silent miscarriage

[violetxaura]

My best friend just lost her baby the same way I lost mine so everyone please pray for her because I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone 🤍

[melissaurr]

5.19.2020 - The day I found out I was miscarrying my first baby. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go from the happiest I’ve ever been, to the absolute lowest, and somehow come out okay. My heart is broken.

[doll-frakking-house]

Just a small cry tonight. Thinking about what could have been and never will be.

[cuddlefish85]

So....

I debated for a few days now wither I should write this or not and even though I'm still not sure I feel the need to get this out.

On Christmas eve me and my boyfriend discovered we were having a baby after 2 years of trying. To say we were over the moon was an understatement.

And after 4 very positive tests we really began to believe we were going to be parents. At 4 weeks there was spotting but nothing serious and the evening sickness (no morning sickness) was kicking in full force and everyone said it was normal so why worry? 8.5 weeks a little more bleeding but was told it was normal. Around 10 weeks evening sickness stopped and looking back that should have been my first clue because something was different I felt different but the 4th test came up positive and not 2 pregnancies are the same. And finally at a little over 12 weeks we were told the worst four words we could have heard. 'There is no heartbeat'. Our little baby went away at 10 weeks and 1 day. No reason it just stopped growing. It's called a missed miscarriage.

The baby stops growing but your body continues to produce pregnancy hormones. It's heart breaking and the steps that come after those words are life shattering not just for the mother but for their partner and family.

I'm not writing to hurt anyone or to even get attention.... I'm writing this because I didn't know that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage and even if I did it wouldn't change anything my baby wasn't meant to be here.

I hope if anyone else out there is going through this know you are not alone.

Our hearts are breaking but they are also filled with so much love for our baby.

[whatstruthgottodowithit]

You’re The One

Fandom: RPF, American Actor

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader 

Characters: Chris Evans, Reader, You, OC’s 

Word Count: 3200 // Rating: Mature

Summary: Chris realises that Y/N is the one.

Tags/ Warnings: Mentions of Miscarriage, Proposal, Love, Established Relationship, Pregnant Reader, My Writing, Chris Evans Fic, Chris Evans x Reader, Chris Evans x You, Silent Miscarriages, Pregnancy, 

Notes: UPDATED 03/2019

You couldn’t believe it. As you had sat on the top of the toilet seat, the plastic stick resting on your lap as you waited for the result to pop in the little window. As you sat there, you tilted your head back and closed your eyes, so you weren’t tempted to look, your feet had tapped on the cool tile floor in anticipation. The timer on your phone had alarmed and you reached to turn it off. With a shaky breath, you picked up the stick and looked at it.‘Pregnant’ had flashed in the window and a knot had formed in your stomach. You were nervous and excited at the same time.

Worries had plagued your mind but for no more than a second, your excitement was too much to contain. You could worry later. Right now you couldn’t wait to tell Chris. He was going to be such a good father. He was a great uncle and his nieces and nephews loved him so much. He was always so accommodating to kids he worked with and to ones that came up to him in public for pictures and autographs. At these times you had always waited patiently watching in awe as he spoke to the kids with great enthusiasm, nothing too much trouble. Though you were upset that this hadn’t happened once you were married you told yourself it didn’t matter. You and Chris were both very traditional and had planned marriage then kids but it wasn’t such a big deal if they came the other way around. It wasn’t as if you two weren’t going to get married eventually, you were just waiting for the right time. Your day had been a waste ever since you found out. Chris had some press work all day so he was out till late and it was one of your days off so you had planned to do all your housework. Yet, you couldn’t focus. Every time you’d start a job you would get sidetracked thinking about the baby and eventually, you decided to give up. Checking the fridge and cupboards you decided to run to the store and pick up the ingredients for Chris’ favourite meal.

The pasta was just simmering as you heard the keys in the door and the tell-tale patter of your dog’s feet as he wandered to the door to meet his master. You heard the door open and close and shoes being removed. You heard Chris pause in the hall as he always did to greet Dodger before you heard his deep voice call your name. As he rounded the door to the kitchen he stopped to look at you and smile before he came up behind you, his arms circling around your waist. He kissed your neck gently as you continued to stir the pot waiting for your food to be ready.

‘Something smells good,’ he said as he watched you cook. ‘It’s your favourite,’ you replied. ‘Brilliant, it’s just what I need after today,’ he said, leaving your side and heading to the fridge pulling out a beer and resting back against the counter. ‘How come?’ you inquired, frowning. Chris had explained that it had been a long day. The interviewers had been rude and underprepared which had put him in a bad mood. Added to the fact that he’d been going for 12 hours and in between each interview had been horrendous traffic meant he wasn’t best pleased. ‘At least you’re home now,’ you consoled him, ‘and your schedule is clear for the weekend which is always a bonus, even if you are flying out Monday morning.’ ‘I can’t wait for it to be over now I think. This press tour has been such a long one, I just can’t wait to be done and have some time off before the next project. Just you and me having some time off. Maybe we could even take a trip,’ he suggested, and you had nodded and smiled at him. Perhaps that wasn’t such a bad idea.

Who knew when you’d get the chance to once the baby was here?

Chris had gone and sat in the dining room whilst you served up dinner. As you sat at the dinner table he told you more about his day and the rude interviewer he’d had for most of the morning. You had listened but hadn’t eaten much. Even though you knew he would be okay with the news, butterflies had plagued you, putting you off your dinner. As Chris was finishing up his story he reached across the table for another spoonful of pasta. As he did so he noticed you looking down at your plate, using your fork to push around a small piece of chicken. He finished scooping the food onto his plate before he placed the spoon back into the bowl and placed a hand on yours as he said, ‘are you okay? You seem like you’re bothered by something.’

‘I’m pregnant,’ you blurted out though you had planned to do this later in the evening you couldn’t help yourself. Chris’ mouth fell into a small O shape as you frantically searched his face for a reaction. Leaning back in his chair, looking dumbfounded he looked at you. ‘Well say something,’ you said fiddling with a napkin that was on the table nervously, ‘I mean, are you okay with this? I know it’s not like we planned but I’m sure that-’ ‘It’s perfect,’ he said reaching over and cupping your face with his hands, ‘Who cares if it isn’t like we planned? All that other stuff can happen anytime.’ And he pulled you in tenderly and kissed you. Your heart soared. This was the reaction you had anticipated but it had reassured you nonetheless. Chris stood up from the table and pulled you in for a hug. You came into his strong torso and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. His arms came to rest at your waist and he looked into your face with awe. ‘We’re gonna have a baby,’ he whispered to which you nodded and if you weren’t mistaken small tears had brimmed in his eyes as he said it. You were both too excited to go back to eating and instead you had run off upstairs to bring down the test as proof.

You had cleared away the plates and headed into the lounge with celebratory drinks, and soda for you. Chris told you about all his plans and excitement, though you had steeled at some of his ideas. You were adamant that you keep it between yourselves for the first trimester if not longer. Chris had been annoyed that you wanted to keep it from your family but you had reminded him that he didn’t exactly live a normal life. And that the more people in the know the more chance the news would get to reporters, which you wanted to fend off until absolutely necessary. Chris had pouted for a minute but relented to make you happy. That night you had cuddled on the couch with a film and chocolate, content with life at that moment.

But that was then. Now you were miserable. Since you had been off work you had barely moved out of bed. Chris had had to run errands this afternoon so you had been left alone, not that you were bothered. When you were alone you didn’t have to hold it together as much, when you were alone you were free to cry or scream or whatever you felt like. You knew that Chris was getting worried. He was hurting too, you knew that rationally but anytime you tried to think about helping him you were hit by your own grief. He had tried, he really had.

It had been 3 weeks, and he’d been at your aid 24/7, cancelling work as much as he could and spending time with you. But you could tell he was running out of ideas. He was trying to pull you up but struggling himself so instead, you both just seemed to be floundering. Running on empty.

You decided to get out of bed. He’d be back soon and you knew if he came upstairs to find you in the same place he’d left you he’d be upset. Chris would try to keep it cheery but puppy dog eyes and frowny face would shine through anyway, making you feel guiltier. It’s not that you wanted to be like this, it’s just that being like this was easier, though you knew your attitude was hurting him so much. You got out of bed and headed for a shower. Slipping your clothes off and avoiding your reflection in the bathroom mirror you got under the warm water and allowed it to wash over you. As you stood in the small cubicle you let your hair out of the tie it was in and pushed it back. Though you’d wallowed in self-pity you hated moments like this. Moments, where there was nothing to distract you meant your thoughts were allowed to wander back to 3 weeks ago.

To the day where you’d sat waiting for your first scan of your baby. Where you sat giggling with Chris about the thin gown and paper knickers they’d asked you to change into whilst they examined you. Where Chris had held your hand and watched the nurse’s face in anticipation. Watched as her face had become puzzled, worry evident on her aged face. You and Chris had shared glances as she’d excused herself and gone to find the doctor. Chris had soothed you with choruses of ‘no worries’ and ‘I’m sure it’s fine.’ But he was unable to use his stellar acting talent around you. You could see through him no matter what and you could tell at this point he was just as scared as you were. You had sat there in silence until the nurse had returned, accompanied by the doctor. You’d kept silent as his eyes had scanned over the monitor until he ultimately turned to you both and resting a sympathetic hand on your arm informed you that there was no heartbeat. Your baby that should have been 12 weeks was no bigger than a 5-week foetus and you’d had what they called a ‘silent miscarriage,’ you’d listened to their plans and condolences and sat there and wept with Chris as the nurse waited for you, with sympathetic eyes.

After that, you’d done as they’d asked you and had come home to be on bed rest. Though even after being cleared by the doctor you had remained at home. Your thoughts were cleared when you heard noise from downstairs and Dodger’s barking. Climbing out of the shower you dried and dressed, wrapping your hair in a towel.

‘Y/N, I’m back!’ Chris’ voice echoed through the house and you heard him in the living room. You joined him and found him sitting on the couch, with Dodger. He looked up as you came and said, ‘you’re up and you’ve showered!’

You nodded, knowing your face was angry but not being able to stop it. He watched as you descended onto the couch beside him. He sat up away from you and picking up the remote turned off the TV. You looked at him curiously but said nothing. Resting his hand on his knees and running a hand down his face he sighed. You could see the muscles in his back tense under his shirt. He turned his body towards you and took your hand in his.

‘Look I know these past few weeks have been hard,’ he started as you scoffed, ‘but I think it’s time we started getting back to normal.’ You were about to curse him out and explain that you didn’t know how to do that. That it wasn’t just as easy as waking up one morning and deciding you’d be fine. But he held a hand up to stop you.  ‘Before you start I know. I know what happened was horrible and that it’s not easy to get over it in everything but we’ve got to try. We can’t just let sadness rule our lives we’ve got to get on with them. Carry on and maybe one day we’ll be okay to try again. But Y/N let us try. Y/N I miss you so much, sometimes I talk to you and it’s like you’re not even there. And I’m trying to cope as well but I can’t do it without you.’

His grip tightened on your hand as tears welled in your eyes. You knew you’d been horrible with him these past few days and you promised yourself from now on you’d try and cope. That you’d be there for him like he’d been trying to do for you.

‘So I was thinking,’ he continued, ‘that maybe we should get out of here for a while. Take a trip, you know like we said before.’

You pondered over this but before you could let the negativity take over you agreed. You nodded and Chris heaved a sigh of relief. He took his hands off yours and leaned forward to grab the papers that had been on the coffee table. Thrusting them into your lap he watched as you scanned the documents in curiosity. 2 plane tickets and a hotel reservation in Hawaii were in the papers.

‘I thought I’d just book them. I thought that if I didn’t just do it we never would and I think that it would be really good for us so-’ he was rambling but you didn’t care. Pushing the papers aside you threw yourself at him. His arms came around you and you both sat there for a good while enjoying the feel of each other, having barely touched over the past few weeks.

A few days later you were airborne and touching down in Hawaii before heading to your resort. It was beautiful and there were plenty of activities to keep your mind busy. At night time you and Chris had time to yourself. You found that you could talk things through at these times and you felt yourselves becoming like you used to. You talked about how you’d felt about the baby and the hopes you’d had for the future. It was tough but you got through it.

It had been a long day. You’d toured some of the islands today and came back to the room to nap. You were in the bathroom and drying your hair after showering. You chose to wear makeup for dinner this evening, it was the weekend after all. Leaving the bathroom you walked into the bedroom dressed in a towel. Chris looked up as you did and his eyes ran up and down your body. You rolled your eyes and he watched you. You were sifting through your clothes looking for something to wear. Chris cleared his throat and you looked at him, ‘I thought, perhaps you could wear this tonight,’ he said gesturing to the floral red dress next to him on the bed.

‘Why? You never usually pick clothes out for me,’ you said, folding your arms across your chest and raising an eyebrow. Chris got up off the bed and put his arms around you. ‘I know. But I’m treating you to a fancy dinner tonight and I think we should dress for the occasion,’ he said gesturing to his own suit-like attire and then in a low whisper said, ‘and you know I love the way you look in that red dress.’

A shiver ran up your spine and you whispered ‘okay’ and climbed out of your towel to get dressed in his chosen outfit. Styling your hair and accessorising you stood up and did a small twirl so he could see you in the dress. Chris looked you up and down and did a small whistle. Though you rolled your eyes you couldn’t help but feel a small tingle run up your spine. A small feeling of warmth spread through your lower belly. A ghost of feelings from your old self.

Chris and you left your hotel room and made your way down to the lobby. Here you waited until your taxi arrived and took you to your destination. It was a small restaurant. And you were joined by maybe a handful of other diners. The food was incredible and you and Chris chatted enthusiastically throughout the courses. In fact, it felt almost like a first date. After dessert, you two were thoroughly stuffed and Chris got up to pay the bill. As he came back to the table you rose and he took your hand. ‘They said that our taxi might take a while but we can wait in the patio area out back if we want, they’ll come and get us when it arrives.’

You joined him outside and looked around. The view was breathtaking. Outside the doors was a small patio with quaint garden furniture. Lanterns and candles were littered around the patio floor and bushes and trees ran along its edge. In the opening, there were steps down to a small beach. The sand was golden though it was dark the moon cast some light on the water and you listened as the water lapped in small waves in the distance.

‘This is beautiful,’ you said as Chris held your hand. ‘Mmmhmm,’ Chris agreed, ‘That’s why I picked it, I knew you’d like it.’ You nodded. And you let go of his hand and walked towards the beach. It was truly gorgeous, ‘Do you think we could go to the beach? I mean do you think it would be allowed it’s not private or anything is it-’ you asked turning back to face him but he wasn’t there. Where you expected Chris to be stood you found him kneeling. In his hand was a ring box a large engagement ring sparkling in the low light. You rushed back towards him and asked, ‘What are you-’ But he cut you off. ‘Y/N I should have done this a long time ago but I always put it off. I knew how much you loved me, how much I loved you. And I thought it’d just happen when it’s right. And I kept going and when you told me you were pregnant I felt that I’d waited too long. But it didn’t really matter. We were going’ to have a baby, then what happened, happened and it was like a dagger to the heart. I saw how unhappy you became but how strong you were to get through it. I didn’t need much reassurance that you were the one. But these past few weeks have shown me that you are. So Y/N will you marry me?’

Everything he said was perfect. It summed up how you felt perfectly. Pulling him up from his knee you nodded and whispered, ‘Of course, I will marry you.’

[doll-frakking-house]

Went public with the news of my miscarriage and I can't stop shaking. It was an important, healing step for me though.

[doll-frakking-house]

Today I would've been 13 weeks pregnant...I would be sharing my pregnancy to the world this week, using cute pumpkins, chalkboard art and an Autumn backdrop. But instead I get to go to my postpartum appointment at the OB/GYN and learn about my baby's cause of death.

Goodbye, first trimester...I wish I got to experience every new, exciting, nauseating, uncomfortable and giddy moment of it.

Grief has me feeling like I'm living a double life. I'm smiling, laughing, and keeping myself busy/productive. And I'm doing a bizarrely good job at it. the weird part is, while my public/work life is great, my private life is feeling incredibly strained these days. It used to be the other way around. My only solace was being home with my hubby. But we've been sniping at each other a lot lately. And I think I big part of that is because my husband has been repressing his feelings about the miscarriage and is distorting his anger at the situation into an anger at himself, over a slew of things from work, to his chronic physical pain, and his resurgence of insomnia and night terrors.

I don't know how to help him. I think we'd benefit from grief counseling, honestly. But idk how willing he'll be to take part. I'm ready to tell my IRL peers about what happened, but Jax hasn't indicated that he's ready yet. We wanted to announce our pregnancy on Halloween. I still want to use that time to announce it, as well as announce our miscarriage. It's so important to me that this experience doesn't get swept under the rug of our social lives.

Maybe tomorrow's postpartum appointment will get us closer to getting answers... And maybe we'll get some much-needed closure. And maybe, just maybe, our hearts will finally heal.

[doll-frakking-house]

I survived Mother's Day--way better than I thought I would. But Poppy's due date is Wednesday. I have no clue how big my grief bubble will be that day. Absolutely no clue. Idk if it'll be a sad distant ache, or if the feeling will be so intense I'll feel like I'm bursting from the inside out. I feel like I should have requested that whole day off from work, but I work from home, and I had to take so much time off when going through chemo...the job is so new I just don't want them to think I'm shirking or anything. And I can get away with crying spells while I WFH, provided no last minute meetings are scheduled that day.

At the very least I know I'm in for a few sleepless nights, so brace yourselves for more Mood™ posts. Grief is weird and its intensity is so friggin impossible to anticipate.