The difference between being needed and being wanted is a rather funny thing. At least it is for me.
As soon as someone starts to need me in the sense that they say they do, it drives a wedge between me and this person. I suppose that that might be because I don’t like being someone else’s crutch (which is what that feels like to me. Having someone outright tell me they need me… makes me feel like I’m suddenly supposed to support them….). It feels like a cry for attention… especially since when I say ‘I need you’ it is a cry for attention. And it was a cry that always went unanswered for me.
When I was much younger I had… well I suppose saying an ‘existential crisis’ is a bit too strong for a word… but I had a major breakdown because I didn’t know what my purpose was. What I’d be good for, be useful for, and what I’m even good at. No one noticed for the longest time because all I did was stay in my room. Everyone was so used to that that there was no real interest until I didn’t come out for dinner.
My father came into my room then. He asked me why I hadn’t come when they called and sat down next to me on the bed, asking what the problem was. I told him that I didn’t understand my worth in the world. I wasn’t really great at anything… I could get by on just about anything but the only thing I ever had that was top notch were my grades. And then someone told me one day that grades aren’t worth anything when you get into the real world. People aren’t going to look back at your grades in high school and think ‘wow, they did all of their homework and they turned everything in, they got good grades in every class, we should hire them.’ I don’t know why, even now, grades don’t matter.. but that being the only real thing I felt I had, to hear that what I had isn’t really worth anything later in life it kind of crushed me.
My dad, being my dad, turned this around to him. And… even now I don’t mind because explaining it through the way you feel things is one way of trying to show someone that they aren’t seeing things right. He asked me if I thought his only purpose in life was to be a Bus Driver. Of course I didn’t think so, I said his other purpose in life was to be a Dad (which, might I say, he can be very good at sometimes. And other times he can be just as petulant as any of us kids- possibly more so). He asked if there was no purpose he had outside of that, a purpose that was solely for himself. And… I couldn’t answer that.
I really looked up to my dad… and I still do, to be honest. He’s a person I idolize- as unhealthy as I know that is logically.
So… well dad logiced me into the real world and I had dinner… and I didn’t disappear into my room immediately afterwards. But as I spent time with my family the question continued in my mind… still clanging around, unsolved by my dad’s logic. Later that night I wrote a letter to my parents, requesting their help in figuring out what was going on with me. I laid everything out about myself on the table: The trouble I had actually caring about people, the dislike I truly held for my youngest siblings (I don’t hate them, I never have- but I honest and sincerely to my very core did not want them as part of my family. I had a few reasons for this but overall I just didn’t like them…), I told my parents I needed their help and I left it on their pillow for them to read.
They never responded. Not even to acknowledge they had gotten it (but I mean, I checked their bed afterwards to see if it had slipped under or behind something…. It hadn’t. It was nowhere to be found). They didn’t act any differently. Dad didn’t even bring up the break down I had had the day before. They just… pretended everything was fine- and maybe to them it was. Maybe to them I was overthinking things… but I had needed them in that moment… I had wanted to know there was nothing wrong with me and that I didn’t need to find my place in the world just yet. When they weren’t there for me it drove a wedge between them and me… and it forced me to face things on my own.
I suppose facing my own demons wasn’t such a bad thing… except that most of them are still around to this day. My inability to really attach to people, for one.
Of course, there are some exceptions to this rule. People like Silver and Odd and Straight. Silver and Straight I’ve bonded to over time thanks to their constant support of me. Straight actually did help me solve many of my personal demons when I brought the way I was feeling to him. He always consoled me with ‘this is a normal way to feel. Just be yourself, Tye-Dye. Enjoy life.’ And I was able to get through a lot thanks to him. Silver has also helped me conquer some demons by showing me some of her own- we kind of fought the demons together. And Odd… man… I don’t even know about her. It was like… finding a twin soul for me. And I can’t say I instantly liked her… when I first met her I thought she was far too quiet and I wanted her to be more talkative- but with one of our very noisy classmates in the room I understand why she wasn’t. The big thing that happened for us was that we discovered we live in the same direction when heading home from school and so I’m able to give her a ride home and pick her up- that gave us time to talk and living so close we could hang out (always me at her house XD I think she’s been to my house once…). She has such a beautiful mind and is… well genuinely a diamond in the ruff to me. One of those people you don’t come across very often. And that’s not to say that Silver and Straight aren’t, but they were more or less.. well life pushed us together. Silver was the only person worth being friends with at school. Straight was a mentor and he would take time for me, no matter what- a feeling that I can’t even begin to express its importance.
Besides those few exceptions, I haven’t really been able to attach myself to anyone (besides family). Everyone else could come and go… and where some people would hurt a little at first, over time I’d just as easily adapt to them not being there. I don’t need anyone. That is what my brain tells me, especially after a day where someone I trusted did something I can’t… can’t believe. A friend of mine recently mentioned their dislike for bisexuality because it can’t really exist. And… well… I hate that. I hate their reasoning for that. And… it pushed me away from them, as long and well as I’ve known them I could say good bye to them and not shed a tear.
Anyway- basically to me being needed is like saying something about fate ‘everything happens for a reason’ stuff. Needing someone is depending on them to the point where you can’t live without them- in my mind. It’s almost like saying you have no choice in the matter… You need water, food, and oxygen to survive. But you really don’t need another person… sure people make life much better, you can live a much happier life with eople that are really great around you. But they aren’t essential to survival… you don’t need them to live. And… for most people… at least I don’t need most people to be happy. I’ve found my happiness on my own.
Wanting something, though. Having the desire to have someone in your life, to have them near you because they make you happy… that’s entirely different.
I don’t need Silver, but I want her in my life. I’d be devastated if she left and never looked back. I don’t need Straight but I want him to remain a part of my life. He’s been an amazing friend to me throughout all the years and I can’t explain in words how much he’s helped me through. I don’t need Odd, but I want her to remain in my future and present. Because without her I feel like I’d be losing someone extremely special… I’d feel like I’m missing out… and I don’t want my life to be void of her, or Straight, or Silver.
Wanting is a choice. It’s a choice that can be changed but you choose to keep. I want to spend time with people today… or I don’t want to spend time with people today. I want to be an artist, a writer, an editor, a book cover designer… I want to work with people and I don’t want to work with people. They’re all valid wants… and I never feel tied to them.
I want to find someone I can spend my life with… and if I’m completely honest with myself, I want it to be like my parent’s relationship with each other. You know… they didn’t like each other at all at first… but they had to work together. And as they worked together they got to know one another enough to realize those things that they first disliked were either misconstrued or they were flaws that could be tolerated/loved. I… want someone I can be friends with first. Someone I can build a bond with like Silver, Straight, and Odd… but you know, I also just want to be with someone who genuinely cares for me. I can set that first longing aside to accept that the relationship that lasts for me doesn’t have to start out as friends… that the person can even say they wouldn’t be able to be friends with me… something I’ve commented on before.
To put it simply, at the end of the day I want to be someone’s choice, not someone’s crutch.
Because at the end of the day, someone who can stand on their own but knows they can lean on me is a much more precious gem then someone who depends on me to remain upright. Heaven knows I’ll be standing on my own two feet, and not shoving all of my weight on them in hopes they’ll hold me up. I’ve done that before- and I fell. I won’t fall again. Because I can stand on my own… and when I’m tired, when I’m struggling, I have beautiful people who give me a shoulder to cry on, an arm to keep me upright, and they give me a smile to brighten the day- even the gloomier days. And that’s absolutely precious to me… they can be happy without me, but they want to be happy with me and share in the woes and the laughs life gives us.
I don’t want to be needed, not ever. That drives a wedge between me and the person because I want them to stand on their own the way my parents made me (I’m contradictory, I know. You’d think I’d want to be needed and be needed properly but… needing someone and being let down broke the part of me that wanted to be needed myself. I don’t want to be needed… and I’ll distance myself). We can get through a lot on our own without depending on someone else… and as soon as they have, the wedge lifts.
Don’t… don’t say someone is not needed, though. Especially after saying you needed them. ‘I don’t actually need you, it was a rough time.’ That tears the wedge out and severs ties along the way. It’s like taking something beautifully fragile, those threads that you’ve built between yourself and others with people… and then gently placing a knife on those threads- not to cut them, but to allow the person to stand without the strings holding them back… but twisting those words into opposing tears the knife away and threads are broken, cut, and severed. It hurts… and it puts strain on the remaining threads. If there are any threads left- some people do a pretty thorough job of putting you in your place.
Funny how much pain words can cause… how much meaning they have.
Let me tell you about my past relationships… so that I canexplain the absolute sheer amazingness I have come across now.
So… I’ve mentioned I’ve been in a lot of relationships before… and as painful some of them were, they were all wonderful learning lessons that allowed me to see a little more each time of what would make me happy- what I was looking for- while also helping me understand more of myself. And each time I would tell myself ‘he’s the one, he’s the one’ to begin with, and over time I would convince myself that they were what was right for me.
It all started with Jakey. (well, I suppose it actually started with North but he was a ‘I’m 16! Who wants to be my boyfriend’… and so I don’t count him as my first relationship) so Jakey was the first boy I ever actually gave my heart to. The first boy I truly thought I loved… even though he hit none of the ‘list’ I had made when younger of what I wanted from a boyfriend. Because I wanted a guy who was smart, who was musical, who could write, who could draw and was athletic and could keep up with me and be competition, but not win or lose every time. Someone who balanced and strengthened me…. And because Jakey was silly, because he took interest in me, because he said he loved me I thought he was the one. (because at 16/17 you know what love is, you know who you are and what you’re looking for. Ok, ok, /you/ might have, but I didn’t have a gosh darn clue)
So… I met Jakey when another band came to play at my school. They were missing their first trumpet and Straight (who is my band instructor, or you know was when I was still in high school) offered me up to take the spot. Jakey was 2nd or 3rd Saxaphone and so musician was hit. After we played through their songs (I might add I was sight reading and fumbling along… but it was so much fun) they asked me if I wanted to go with them to the next school. Of course I said yes, because /why miss out on such an opportunity/. We stopped for a bit at a park for lunch and I won’t forget that lunch… I won’t forget the way I saw only boys helping so I pushed my way in to help carry the box of water bottles because I was going to help too/ I remember Jakey asking me to eat a banana just so that he’d have the peel… and I remember the banana peel war that ensued between him and his friends after that… I remember it starting to rain and a lot of people taking shelter under the gazebo but I stayed out in the rain. I didn’t feel like I had the right to be a part of that group- I was an outsider, you know? Even though I had the invitation, I still felt like the stray mutt outside of the wolf pack. And so I stared out at the water as the rain came down… and Jakey came over and asked me what I was doing. My reply was instantly ‘I like the sound of the rain on the water’ (not a lie, but obviously not a valid reason). He stood there, looking at me for a moment… and then he gently took my arm and led me to the gazebo, saying ‘You can hear it from in here too. I don’t want you to get sick.’ And my heart kind of just… stopped for a moment. /This guy, he cares about me. He. Cares. About Me./ and it was such a foreign feeling… and he was tall and cute and goofy, I just figured why not?
So after we played at the second school and we were saying our goodbyes, I got email addresses from some of the band members and of course made sure to get Jakey’s. And as soon as I got home I was sending him an email. And then we were talking every spare moment and he was admitting he liked me and of course I liked him and I had my first relationship- pretty much long distance and online, but it was there. And I knew he existed because I had known him in person. As I learned more about him I discovered he was really low on my list of standards- he had low GPA, didn’t seem to care about his grades, didn’t play sports… he just… wasn’t what I had wanted. But he liked me and when had that happened before and it wasn’t like I had my whole life to keep looking (heavy sarcasm, heavy heavy sarcasm)… so I stuck with him. And I texted him all the time, every spare moment… and we chatted over Yahoo messenger… and we did things like sext… because I thought it would make him happy (no images exchanged, just… well pretty much role playing sex scenes- except for one time when he was jerking off and he asked me to pleasure myself and to tell him about it. I made the attempt… but I never did get off, though I told him I did because I figured it would make him happy…) and I’d send him videos of random things like me singing or giving him a tour of my family’s property and I continued to wait for this hollowing part in my chest to fill… and he talked to me less and less until what used to be full conversations became me talking at him and him replying with ‘: )’ or ‘lol’… and then one day it all stopped. I haven’t heard from him still, though I tried over the next few months to find out what happened. He was just… gone… and I honestly lost myself for a long time.
I found myself a rebound guy online and I played him for all my flirty worthiness and I had him eating out of the palm of my hand. Poor guy… that didn’t last long. I ended up dropping him eventually with not much more than a ‘I think we are just good friends’. And this entire time I just kept looking for someone else to piece me back together… for someone to understand what it meant to be shattered, and who would know how to pick the pieces back up and get the glue and the tape and fix the scar that was gouged deep into me. Because losing someone through silence… through them just not being there anymore… it’s one of the worst feelings.
it’s like losing a pet. It’s one thing for it to get hit by a car… you know it’s over, you can bury the pet and mourn the loss… but when the pet runs away- you don’t know. You don’t know if they died, or if someone else picked them up… you don’t know if they’re lost and alone, laying forgotten in a ditch… or if they’d been hit by a vehicle, or attacked by wild animals. /You don’t know/ and not knowing is the worst feeling for me. So I looked for people to piece my heart back together.
And in the end you know what I discovered? No matter how many guys I picked up to fill that hole, it was still there- growing larger in fact, eating away at my insides and my happiness and making it hard not to just spiral into the darkness. And my saving grace? Silver. My best friend. But you know what? She didn’t pick up my heart and put it back together for me. She showed me how to do it myself. She taught me how to fix myself, even when she herself was coping with being shattered- she taught me how to put the pieces back together. My family didn’t understand, and I had no other friends to go to… and yet she was there. And that was my first step at understanding that boys/ significant others did not stand up to a real friend.
My next relationship went a little better. It was with Marker, a guy who is still a fairly good friend of mine… He was my first real ‘in person’ relationship. (because seriously, North doesn’t count. He was an experiment but I didn’t actually care for him. When he asked if he could kiss me I went running for the hills… I actually broke up with him the next day… yeah, no kissing :P Eew).
So anyway, Marker. Yeah. He and I met in college (because I was in Running Start and he was just going to college). He and I had an art class together and he was the most likely person for me to make friends with so I did. And again with the ‘talking to him every spare moment and hanging out with him whenever I could’ and whenever there was studio time for class (a required 2 hours per week if I recall, that had to be spent outside of class time working on art stuffs) we always tried to schedule together. We got into charcoal smear fights and were super flirty, but he confided in me that he was in love with this girl who hated him… which I still don’t get, I see love as a two way street but with the akoirromantics, I guess it can be one way… ANYWAY, I was conflicted with how I felt about him… and yet started dropping hints that he could have a girl that would actually return the affection. He could have me. It took me just about outright saying it one day before he got it…
And then it all became clear to him and I had my next boyfriend. And for a while it was great. We’d hold hands /in public/ and I had my first kiss with him (ew, gross. Kissing is just, ew. No. Bad) and he and I would spend all of our moments with each other… when that semester ended and the next began he got into Drawing 2 so that we could be together in the same class and we sat next to each other all the time and spoke about art and our lives and he was a cool guy. Silver even met this guy, more than once, and my sister… though neither of them liked him much (he’s kind of a cute, dorky awkward). And… he was such a push over that I started pushing him on that. I started taking over and playing emotional games and… I became this monster in the end. I manipulated him… and I kept trying to tell myself that I was happy. I could live happily ever after with Marker and things would work out fine- My grandma /loved/ the guy, so much… (maybe because he was seriously religious like my folks are.. cuz you know, birds of a feather right- though I’m not extremely religious anymore) and it just… I kept telling myself that even though I was irritated by his mere presence and began looking for ways to avoid him, that I loved him and that we’d get married some days and he’d accept I didn’t want kids and we’d adopt and have a happy life… and I was ok with that. We went to homecoming together… and he had Christmas with my family, and Thanksgiving, and I met his family and… it could have been a set deal. He certainly loved me. But when on Christmas his family came to pick him up and I can’t remember the conversation but he said something that bugged me and I outright kicked him (physical abuse… red flag, red flag) I just… realized that the person I was with him was not the person I wanted to be. I would ask him things like ‘If I were a boy, would you still love me Marker? Would you still care about me?’ and his reply would never satisfy me because he would say things like “I’m not that way, I really wouldn’t” and it just… he never knew how to answer me and make me happy… And looking back at that Christmas’ picture, you could see the distance I was trying to put though his arm was around me… and after he was gone my Aunt (mom’s brother’s wife) sat me down and we talked about relationships and how it’s not good to be with someone that didn’t make me happy… well things began to sink in. It was slow at first, and I began to notice every tiny little problem about him and about us and about me… and the day after Prom I broke up with him. There were tears and angry words thrown at me, of course, but I actually felt so much lighter- like this cancerous thing had been removed from my heart. I didn’t see Marker for a long time after that… And we’ve become friends in the end but that’s a story for another time… So that was my first real in person relationship. (fun little trivia thing, I wrote a lot when I was younger and I wrote out my perfect guy at the time. Marker hit every little thing about that guy… and it just goes to show sometimes what you think you want isn’t what you actually want… and sometimes what you wanted then and what you want now are so very, very different).
A few more guys between that… most of them more like almost relationships then anything… a guy who called me a lesbian and I considered it for a while but came away with a ‘nah, not my thing’ and then I came across Sok. He was attractive, he was funny, he knew how to play the piano and he was an artist. It made my heart sore to be around him and I cut time with my family short to help him out with homework (first time we hang out). I kept finding all reasons to hang out with this badass with a fantastic tattoo and who could talk for forever on all these different subject- especially techy stuff, he’s such a tech nerd. And he has the craziest theories- I still love hearing them…
And things were slow at first- I did all the advancements. When he came over for movies I’d move closer to him and try to be sneaky about holding his hand (cough cough –I was so obvious- cough) and then he would kiss me and… though I didn’t like the feeling of it entirely, he would always explain how it felt to him and somehow that made it worth it… he was the first guy I ever saw without any clothes on and the first guy I gave a blow job to- (yeah, I would say I ‘suck at those’ but I’m not punny) and again I thought I was in love. Because I had no freakin’ clue what love was supposed to be. I thought those warm fuzzy feelings of being close to someone was it… but soon he was pulling away from me too. I could spot the signs this time, though I denied them… the talking to me less, never hanging out anymore… he just grew so distant until it had been a month since I had actually spoken to him. Finally I sat next to him in class- he didn’t seem to mind- and I wrote out ‘Are we still a couple?’ (ok, so it took forever for me to work up to it through our notes. I kept trying to hint through song lyrics and what not but people can be so daft sometimes… he did not catch on… and I was at the end of my rope so I came out and asked). His reply came instantly. He wrote ‘I think we make better friends’ (remember that guy? I’ve mentioned him before) and… man was I mad. See, at that point, even though my heart still pounded in his presence and I was still leaning closer to him- I had accepted things were over. But that he hadn’t come out and just told me. He just hadn’t told me outright… and I felt that was such a coward’s move. And I still thought I cared about him and went running to my mom about it and her response was ‘it seemed to me like you guys were just friends.’ Just friends. What does it take to not be friends, mom? If I told you the things I had done with him, would we still be friends? But… we never did hold hands in public- or if we did it was hidden under the table. Months after the break up I’d casually bring up that I had dated him and people would be like o.O no really? Yes. Yes I am cool enough. I got to date a badass that was in a rock band with a zebra fauxhawk (I think that’s what he called it?) and gorgeous eyes and he said we’d make better friends (he was right. We really do, by the way)… And so another relationship ended with me feeling a strange new sort of emptiness. Like I wasn’t good enough… why wasn’t I good enough? Because it took me forever to actually lock into my theory that it was just as good to be friends with someone. To have someone’s love platonically was a wonderful feeling- is still a wonderful feeling. And I started to become ok with that.
Months later, Silver decides to move in with me and she gets a job and starts telling me about this coworker of her’s that she likes. Of course I start feeling lonely/jealous ish because I don’t have a guy of my own. I turn to online dating because there aren’t any boys in my class that really interested me and I had always wanted to give it a shot.
Two days later, NotButter is messaging me and he’s this really cool writer that doesn’t live with his parents, actually takes time to talk to me… and is just… well is a generally good guy. He’s so open minded about everything… he’s willing to listen to my opinions, unlike Sok who was quiet and distant at best. He never said what he wanted or how he felt… and it left me asking questions and only gaining more questions with his answers… but NotButter… he actually was open with caring for me.
I can’t remember how long we spoke online before he and I were meeting in person. That first day we met up I of course brought Silver along so that if he was an axe murderer (which he joked was about murdering axes, instead of murdering with axes… funny, right?) we could die together… and he wasn’t the cutest guy I had ever seen and he was really overweight- something I’ve never been a fan of in significant others… but I looked past it and saw his adorable flippy hair, his really gorgeous eyes, and that he could easily pick me up and carry me around like I was a princess… and I thought for the longest time ‘I’ve got it this time. He’s the one. He’s gotta be, he’s so perfect’… but life is a tricky one. That first night I should have caught the red flags when I told him I wasn’t a big fan of kissing and yet he pressed it lightly and we ended up kissing. I should have seen it coming when, while watching the Croods, he began this whole ‘dry humping’ thing and figuring I had to do the same to make him happy I did as well. We actually did that for… such a long time…. And I was getting sick and tired of it so I pretended to break down… and in pretending actually did have a break down and began to outright cry. And he apologized and apologized and ‘comforted me’ and said he’d never do it again and it was my fault too because I hadn’t stopped him. I didn’t tell him I didn’t want it… because I thought that no one did… I thought that I was just supposed to go with it because my job is to make him happy… and I just… I got lost in trying to be a person that made him happy… a person that wasn’t me.
Remember how I keep mentioning that kissing is gross? It just… he kept saying that I Must like it. I must like kissing because I would initiate kisses… I would initiate things… and that’s just… that’s not it at all. I didn’t like the feel of my lips touching his, it filled me with this deep sense of ‘no, ew, stop’ and I did it anyway because I know he liked it. I sucked marks on his neck because he made these sounds of pleasure that I knew were supposed to be good things but that were so gross to me… but I had made myself believe it was what I liked… and what I wanted… and I let him push my boundaries until we’d spend nights making out and him attempting to get me off through fingering and it just.. never led to completion. And I’d feel broken, I’d feel there was something wrong with me… and he’d always say he understood and wouldn’t push but he had needs too, and he would press against me and slide his hands into my shorts and he was so much bigger than me that I started considering sleeping in another bed because I couldn’t get any sleep when he stayed over. I kept pushing this to the back of my mind though- I’d push away from the fact that when I’d get up in the morning he’d claim to not know a thing he had done (which he was telling the truth, which I’ll explain in a moment) and I’d be so exhausted and I’d just want him to leave but I’d also want him to stay because I wanted someone to be close to who would hold me and he loved archery like I love archery and he got into the game of Magic: The Gathering to play the game with me… and I went against my parents and stayed the night at his house, and we showered together- though it didn’t lead to anything because I did pick a sweet guy who respected my boundaries at least that much- and even though things continued I had this gnawing feeling growing in my heart again, different from the other times. This time I was trying to understand why I couldn’t just love him completely and fully… what was the barrier? Why couldn’t I just hand my body over to him and let him use it to please himself- because I know he wanted these things from me, though he didn’t want oral… and he often said that he just wanted to make me happy… and on the drive home from his house, we got into a car accident. I had been resting my head on his thigh- it was late and I would need to get up early to work in the morning… and I genuinely liked being close to him… and right when I was waking up, sitting up, my vision becoming aware of the surroundings… we were going too fast in a detoured lane and he didn’t stop in time… and though it was a small lurch and neither of us ended up in the hospital, it did enough damage to his car that it was totaled (The other vehicle didn’t have a scratch)… his mom had to come get us, and she drove me home, before taking him home with her… and I continue to feel as if that wreck were my fault. Even if my waking up hadn’t distracted him, if I had just told him that we should have left sooner instead of bearing through a late dinner that felt wrong… if I hadn’t waited to say good bye to his friend (who took an abnormally long time in the bathroom)… maybe we could have avoided that all together. Without a vehicle, he couldn’t come see me anymore… and he didn’t have a job, didn’t have income to buy a new vehicle… And our conversations grew more irritated with one another. I called him out on not graduating high school and then not even trying to get his GED even though he was 22… he called me out on being a cold hearted person who was destroying his good mood (ha, I finally succeeded in making him sad- he who said he could never truly be sad) and I kept pushing because he was looking into a new job… but the thing is, the job he had quit? He had quit to start following his dreams… and he never made a move and never made a move… and then he was trying to get another dead end job… And I was asking him for opinions on my art and he would say things like “I’m not an Artist, I don’t know what you want me to say besides: It’s cool” and even artists can take the time to point out weird things in drawings… And he would tell me things like “You can cope” even though we were supposed to be a team…. And I came across Asexuality (a whole other story that I shall share later) and brought it up to him that I may be Asexual and he argued it, saying that I couldn’t be and that that wasn’t really a thing I was because when he fingered me I’d get wet… but you know, even if there were sparks of pleasure every now and then they never ignited into an actual fire. I was never interested, never wanted sex. And I kept pushing on NotButter about my having guy tendencies with the girl and striving to be androgynous and he, like many others, would say ‘you look too much like a girl to be androgynous. You have hips and an ass, you can’t be androgynous’ and he just never got it. I also did some research into the whole ‘groping while asleep’ and came across ‘Sex Somnia’ which is truly a thing, like sleep walking… and I questioned if he had looked into it at all because it was something that truly bothered me but he hadn’t. And I pushed on that he should have and why hadn’t he and he told me to stop playing emotional games with him and to just tell him what I wanted him to know, to research, to figure out. But the think is /I wanted someone who could figure me out without my having to say anything. Someone who pays attention to what I say, when I say it enough to even know what I’m not saying/And… finally… I just didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I delved into school and work and I didn’t answer when he called and finally he sent me a message saying he was done trying. He was done with me. But that to break up I had to say it. So I told him I still loved him, because it was the honest truth… but I wasn’t in love with him. I never had been… and then I broke up with him. And I was single again and it was like being able to breathe, but it was also like choking on smoke because I was looking at a life of being alone… who would want to be with an Asexual?
The relationship with NotButter ended back in November 2014 I think? (I’m no good with dates) And I kept my online dating site and added that I was asexual in my description and I still ended up getting the creeper asks and these other ridiculous things. Some people would be cool to talk to but didn’t hold my interest for long… some would be interesting but not stand with all my ideals (like support to the LGTBA community). Some guys were a chance for physical relationships- like cuddling- that I tried once or twice but discovered that I just couldn’t stand guys who’d press things with me without even commenting on something I like… Some guys I spoke to on the phone and told me I was too loud and excitable- and I had just been happy to talk to them… There was a guy that I thought had something going for us and I met up and we kissed and I listened to him talk and then we split up and I didn’t hear from him… I was so done with boys after that for such a long time. I wasn’t interested in people who messaged me with ‘you’re cute’ or ‘you’re pretty’ or ‘we should hang out sometime’. I ignored the pleas of ‘where di d you go’ and ‘are we still friends’ and ‘hey, are we going to talk anymore’…. I stopped replying to people, I just stopped… I had decided I have Silver, I have Odd, I have Danny and Marker and Straight and Sok and Dette. I have my family, though unsupportive on my individuality they may be, I had happiness. I had nothing else to ask for- nothing else to want… and I was ready to take down my online presence…
Then, just about a week ago, I got this message. It started with ‘you’re cute’ and I groaned and rolled my eyes and was about to delete the email when I noticed there was more to the message and heaving a sigh I read on… and found it to be really cute. Instead of the ‘you have a cute face, let’s get down with our funky selves’ it was ‘you’re cute- but not just your face, your personality’ and he hoped I was having a good day. He didn’t ask me for anything… he didn’t even say he hoped I would respond… he just made a comment. Wished me a good day. And mentioned he was INFP (I’m INTJ) and so, curious, I replied to him. Asked him how his day was… checked to see how he’s doing… He had amazing fast replies, unlike anyone I Had spoken to. It was like he was just as enthused to talk to me as I was to talk to him. And talking to him became my priority.. We swapped Skypes and I talked to him face to face (well you know, face to screen) and I’ll admit that he wasn’t the cutest boy I’d ever seen… and he’s a year younger than me, which I was unsure about at first… but good grief is he adorable. I literally can’t… explain to you these little quirks that just seem to hit all these points that I love. One thing random is he has this bounce to his step… but more than anything, he’s just… so… in sync with me. For once I wasn’t asking ‘hey, if I was a guy, would you still want me? Love me? Be with me?’ Nope… instead he was saying ‘I hope you realize if you were a guy I’d still be with you.’ And all these things about me that others found… not so great, like my girl mustache for one which even I have issues with… he just finds cute. And my lack of desire for sex? Well, he’s Demi… he gets it… and he’s not going to push me on anything. I drove two hours to meet this silly guy (got lost and turned around multiple times, I might add- and it was terrifying) and he made the 10 hours of time I had to spend with him more than worth the terror of the drive. And at first, when I got there, I was again unsure- he talked over me and sometimes it didn’t seem like he was listening to a word I said- this silly Mongoose who just wanted to show me everything and make me hot cocoa and show me that he had been listening to the song I had deemed my theme song… and he was here and there and darting back here again and my mind was just like ‘….. what did I get myself into’ but I remembered talking to the one guy on the phone and how he had told me that I was too excitable… and I realized that I couldn’t start judging Mongoose right off the bat- and I realized that his enthusiasm was entirely sweet… and though I found myself panicking a bit while driving to where we’d be seeing a movie (because driving in a place I don’t know going to a place I don’t know when I’m not getting constant clear instructions puts me on edge) but he would point out where we’d be going before I had to make the turn and then he was asking me to sing along to my “The Sound of Music” And I don’t know if he was really paying attention the times I did start singing because he’d be talking but I enjoyed every minute of it anyway, and… I’m finding… what a relationship can actually be. It’s his term to be a Boyf, which he is mine, and his term for me is Goyf which is Girl/Boyfriend and it just… it resonates with me. He resonates with me. And of course nothing is set in stone and it’s been a week, not a month or a year, and though he has his scars and his mistakes and his own past, he seems to finally fill that odd hollow area in my chest. He even got me to cuddle with a girl (Yay for being a Panromantic) And I just wanted to share with everyone that if you’re not happy with a relationship, stop it. There are better guys out there. Never ‘settle’. Always, always look for the person that can actually make you happy just by being themselves… and who you can be happy just by being yourself… and who balances you in so many ways. Don’t ever settle… not when there’s so much more out there for you.
And Mongoose? Thank you…. I didn’t know I could actually care for someone like this.
And also thank you, Silver, because God knows what I’d be like if she hadn’t been around to keep my mind open.
(Because Take One wasn't enough- I blame my muse, the Mongoose)
This one will be a bit shorter... it's just a random note on stereotypes and when and where they really don't apply.
So the thing I find truly amusing is that Asexuals are supposed to be kind of stand offish or robotic... or you know, a generally unloving person. Because of course love and sex are bonded and tied together, of course it's not possible to have one without the other (no, it really isn't, thank you very much). And though I've never believed in stereotypes, because I live to break them- I especially break that kind of stereotype.
Not only have I had several boyfriends in the past, relationships that didn't work out because I just... didn't want to 'settle', I wanted to find someone who I really wanted to be with and who made me a better person (usually, it was either I didn't like who I was around that person... or I didn't want to be with them after awhile because of some difference I didn't think I could work around. Thinking back now, I don't regret any of my relationships, I've learned a lot, and I don't regret ending them [and I have no hatred towards the one guy who ended the relationship first. He and I are actually still pretty good friends. Which is how he ended it, really 'TyeDye, we'd make better Friends'.]) Wow, I got way off track there. /Anyways/, I've had quite a few boyfriends (more than I can count on one hand) and partial relationships, which is something that is like... against the Asexual stereotype (in some places).
Another thing is what I mentioned in my earlier post, where people just seem to like me. It's probably because I'm pretty outgoing and I just generally love everyone. I've realized that in most cases, I love a person until they give me a reason not to love them (a kind of love lower than platonic, perhaps a better phrase would be a kind fascination or maybe a friendly interest in making that person happy). And I'm really not boasting when I say that a lot of people like me, because I wouldn't boast about something so trivial- I could care less how many people like me as long as Odd and Danny, my college best friends, and Silver, Dette, Marker and Straight, School best friends, still like me. As long as I've got them and my family, and my muse Mongoose, you know, I'm pretty sure I'd be fine if the world hated me. But... I guess I just got lucky.
To bring up an example, I'll give a brief backstory (yes, I realize this is longer than what I meant. I'm /sorry/, feel free to stop reading at any point). Silver started working about 3 months before me, and got the manager to give me a chance after they had lost a couple of the Front Desk workers. Well the manager... she just loved Silver it seemed, always giving her Assistant Manager type tasks when I first worked there. But the Exec Housekeeper, one that became the Assistant Manager in truth, well she absolutely adored me.
Whereas she had been working with Silver for Three months, and never really offered much more than a kind word or chat, she was offering to train me as a housekeeper and always checking to see if I had lunch and more than once she's even bought me starbucks. For Christmas, she got me CorelDraw (which, I love the Corel Painter program but... the other ones I haven't quite worked out yet). She did get a gift for Silver, I might add, but it was a rather large, bulky purse that Silver has been using, kind soul that she is, to try and get on -lets call her BattleCats because she is always talking about her Battle Cats XD and it's a rather fitting name, in a way(might change later, haven't run this codename by Silver yet)- better side. And let me just point out that from an unbiased perspective, Silver is a super shy sweetie with a loving and open heart to the guests and to our coworkers. So... I'm chalking it up to my magic charm that I've got BattleCats looking out for me and not Silver.
So there's one example of... I don't know what I did but I won BattleCats over when Silver hadn't (there's a conspiracy theory behind this, actually, about old coworkers and new ones- which could be true, but enough people just... like me that I'd like to attribute part of it to my apparently natural charm).
On top of that there are other stories... but I guess the point of this post is that stereotypes just need one person to break them, and they should never really be considered as a true judge for anything because it gives people the wrong impression. Am I saying that every Asexual out there is a magnet for people- no. But I know at least one is, and I'm pretty sure a lot are- just as I'm pretty sure people magnets lie outside of Asexuals as well (my mom, for example- at least I'm pretty sure she's not Asexual... I have my ponderings on that sometimes). Again, point being, Asexuals aren't robots and they aren't necessarily people who don't like or love other people :) So there you go, a simple mindless thing from TyeDye. Hope you're having a great day :)
