Needed vs. Wanted
The difference between being needed and being wanted is a rather funny thing. At least it is for me.
As soon as someone starts to need me in the sense that they say they do, it drives a wedge between me and this person. I suppose that that might be because I donāt like being someone elseās crutch (which is what that feels like to me. Having someone outright tell me they need meā¦ makes me feel like Iām suddenly supposed to support themā¦.). It feels like a cry for attentionā¦ especially since when I say āI need youā it is a cry for attention. And it was a cry that always went unanswered for me.
When I was much younger I hadā¦ well I suppose saying an āexistential crisisā is a bit too strong for a wordā¦ but I had a major breakdown because I didnāt know what my purpose was. What Iād be good for, be useful for, and what Iām even good at. No one noticed for the longest time because all I did was stay in my room. Everyone was so used to that that there was no real interest until I didnāt come out for dinner. My father came into my room then. He asked me why I hadnāt come when they called and sat down next to me on the bed, asking what the problem was. I told him that I didnāt understand my worth in the world. I wasnāt really great at anythingā¦ I could get by on just about anything but the only thing I ever had that was top notch were my grades. And then someone told me one day that grades arenāt worth anything when you get into the real world. People arenāt going to look back at your grades in high school and think āwow, they did all of their homework and they turned everything in, they got good grades in every class, we should hire them.ā I donāt know why, even now, grades donāt matter.. but that being the only real thing I felt I had, to hear that what I had isnāt really worth anything later in life it kind of crushed me. My dad, being my dad, turned this around to him. Andā¦ even now I donāt mind because explaining it through the way you feel things is one way of trying to show someone that they arenāt seeing things right. He asked me if I thought his only purpose in life was to be a Bus Driver. Of course I didnāt think so, I said his other purpose in life was to be a Dad (which, might I say, he can be very good at sometimes. And other times he can be just as petulant as any of us kids- possibly more so). He asked if there was no purpose he had outside of that, a purpose that was solely for himself. Andā¦ I couldnāt answer that. I really looked up to my dadā¦ and I still do, to be honest. Heās a person I idolize- as unhealthy as I know that is logically. Soā¦ well dad logiced me into the real world and I had dinnerā¦ and I didnāt disappear into my room immediately afterwards. But as I spent time with my family the question continued in my mindā¦ still clanging around, unsolved by my dadās logic. Later that night I wrote a letter to my parents, requesting their help in figuring out what was going on with me. I laid everything out about myself on the table: The trouble I had actually caring about people, the dislike I truly held for my youngest siblings (I donāt hate them, I never have- but I honest and sincerely to my very core did not want them as part of my family. I had a few reasons for this but overall I just didnāt like themā¦), I told my parents I needed their help and I left it on their pillow for them to read. They never responded. Not even to acknowledge they had gotten it (but I mean, I checked their bed afterwards to see if it had slipped under or behind somethingā¦. It hadnāt. It was nowhere to be found). They didnāt act any differently. Dad didnāt even bring up the break down I had had the day before. They justā¦ pretended everything was fine- and maybe to them it was. Maybe to them I was overthinking thingsā¦ but I had needed them in that momentā¦ I had wanted to know there was nothing wrong with me and that I didnāt need to find my place in the world just yet. When they werenāt there for me it drove a wedge between them and meā¦ and it forced me to face things on my own. I suppose facing my own demons wasnāt such a bad thingā¦ except that most of them are still around to this day. My inability to really attach to people, for one. Of course, there are some exceptions to this rule. People like Silver and Odd and Straight. Silver and Straight Iāve bonded to over time thanks to their constant support of me. Straight actually did help me solve many of my personal demons when I brought the way I was feeling to him. He always consoled me with āthis is a normal way to feel. Just be yourself, Tye-Dye. Enjoy life.ā And I was able to get through a lot thanks to him. Silver has also helped me conquer some demons by showing me some of her own- we kind of fought the demons together. And Oddā¦ manā¦ I donāt even know about her. It was likeā¦ finding a twin soul for me. And I canāt say I instantly liked herā¦ when I first met her I thought she was far too quiet and I wanted her to be more talkative- but with one of our very noisy classmates in the room I understand why she wasnāt. The big thing that happened for us was that we discovered we live in the same direction when heading home from school and so Iām able to give her a ride home and pick her up- that gave us time to talk and living so close we could hang out (always me at her house XD I think sheās been to my house onceā¦). She has such a beautiful mind and isā¦ well genuinely a diamond in the ruff to me. One of those people you donāt come across very often. And thatās not to say that Silver and Straight arenāt, but they were more or less.. well life pushed us together. Silver was the only person worth being friends with at school. Straight was a mentor and he would take time for me, no matter what- a feeling that I canāt even begin to express its importance. Besides those few exceptions, I havenāt really been able to attach myself to anyone (besides family). Everyone else could come and goā¦ and where some people would hurt a little at first, over time Iād just as easily adapt to them not being there. I donāt need anyone. That is what my brain tells me, especially after a day where someone I trusted did something I canātā¦ canāt believe. A friend of mine recently mentioned their dislike for bisexuality because it canāt really exist. Andā¦ wellā¦ I hate that. I hate their reasoning for that. Andā¦ it pushed me away from them, as long and well as Iāve known them I could say good bye to them and not shed a tear.
Anyway- basically to me being needed is like saying something about fate āeverything happens for a reasonā stuff. Needing someone is depending on them to the point where you canāt live without them- in my mind. Itās almost like saying you have no choice in the matterā¦ You need water, food, and oxygen to survive. But you really donāt need another personā¦ sure people make life much better, you can live a much happier life with eople that are really great around you. But they arenāt essential to survivalā¦ you donāt need them to live. Andā¦ for most peopleā¦ at least I donāt need most people to be happy. Iāve found my happiness on my own.
Wanting something, though. Having the desire to have someone in your life, to have them near you because they make you happyā¦ thatās entirely different. I donāt need Silver, but I want her in my life. Iād be devastated if she left and never looked back. I donāt need Straight but I want him to remain a part of my life. Heās been an amazing friend to me throughout all the years and I canāt explain in words how much heās helped me through. I donāt need Odd, but I want her to remain in my future and present. Because without her I feel like Iād be losing someone extremely specialā¦ Iād feel like Iām missing outā¦ and I donāt want my life to be void of her, or Straight, or Silver. Wanting is a choice. Itās a choice that can be changed but you choose to keep. I want to spend time with people todayā¦ or I donāt want to spend time with people today. I want to be an artist, a writer, an editor, a book cover designerā¦ I want to work with people and I donāt want to work with people. Theyāre all valid wantsā¦ and I never feel tied to them.
I want to find someone I can spend my life withā¦ and if Iām completely honest with myself, I want it to be like my parentās relationship with each other. You knowā¦ they didnāt like each other at all at firstā¦ but they had to work together. And as they worked together they got to know one another enough to realize those things that they first disliked were either misconstrued or they were flaws that could be tolerated/loved. Iā¦ want someone I can be friends with first. Someone I can build a bond with like Silver, Straight, and Oddā¦ but you know, I also just want to be with someone who genuinely cares for me. I can set that first longing aside to accept that the relationship that lasts for me doesnāt have to start out as friendsā¦ that the person can even say they wouldnāt be able to be friends with meā¦ something Iāve commented on before.
To put it simply, at the end of the day I want to be someoneās choice, not someoneās crutch. Because at the end of the day, someone who can stand on their own but knows they can lean on me is a much more precious gem then someone who depends on me to remain upright. Heaven knows Iāll be standing on my own two feet, and not shoving all of my weight on them in hopes theyāll hold me up. Iāve done that before- and I fell. I wonāt fall again. Because I can stand on my ownā¦ and when Iām tired, when Iām struggling, I have beautiful people who give me a shoulder to cry on, an arm to keep me upright, and they give me a smile to brighten the day- even the gloomier days. And thatās absolutely precious to meā¦ they can be happy without me, but they want to be happy with me and share in the woes and the laughs life gives us.
I donāt want to be needed, not ever. That drives a wedge between me and the person because I want them to stand on their own the way my parents made me (Iām contradictory, I know. Youād think Iād want to be needed and be needed properly butā¦ needing someone and being let down broke the part of me that wanted to be needed myself. I donāt want to be neededā¦ and Iāll distance myself). We can get through a lot on our own without depending on someone elseā¦ and as soon as they have, the wedge lifts. Donātā¦ donāt say someone is not needed, though. Especially after saying you needed them. āI donāt actually need you, it was a rough time.ā That tears the wedge out and severs ties along the way. Itās like taking something beautifully fragile, those threads that youāve built between yourself and others with peopleā¦ and then gently placing a knife on those threads- not to cut them, but to allow the person to stand without the strings holding them backā¦ but twisting those words into opposing tears the knife away and threads are broken, cut, and severed. It hurtsā¦ and it puts strain on the remaining threads. If there are any threads left- some people do a pretty thorough job of putting you in your place. Funny how much pain words can causeā¦ how much meaning they have.
-TyeDye
