#silverntyedye

[silver-n-tyedye]

Stark Naked

So since about 90% of my posts have been kind of super downers, I figured I’d share an interesting story.

On Monday I went in to work at the hotel for the 3 to 11 shift. Battlecats had been on morning shift training one of the housekeepers for front desk. Before she left, the housekeeper/in-training-front-desk-clerk told me that Julien had had an interesting night.

Oh boy.

She told what had happened and I laughed and laughed.

When Julien came in at 11 that night, I was checking someone in. I tried not to make eye contact because I remembered what I’d been told and I knew if we looked at each other, I’d laugh and look like an idiot in front of the guest. Also, I wanted him to tell me himself.

Once the guest goes up to their room, I turn to look at him.

“Did Battlecats tell you what happened last night?”

I smiled, “I heard, but you should tell me about it anyway.”

He shakes his head. “Stark naked. It’s 2 in the morning and this woman comes down stark naked, just wanders around the lobby for a minute, then goes back up.”

I’m laughing as he’s telling me because the way he’s so astounded by the fact that something like that happened TO HIM is fucking hilarious.

“I’ve seen people come down in their underwear before because they locked themselves out of their room, but she was absolutely naked.”

“Maybe she went back to her room afterwards. She might have been sleeping walking?”

He looked me in the eye and said, “She was STARK NAKED.”

“Yeah, I heard that part,” I say, leaning against the doorframe, slightly confused, but mostly incredibly amused.

“Where would she have her key?”

Oh.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe someone opened the door for her?”

“I don’t know, but I did a walk through ever floor every so often after she left and I didn’t see her again,” he says this as if it’s some big unsolved mystery and I laugh.

“Maybe you imagined her,” I say.

He shakes his head, “No, no. That was all too real.”

“Was she an older lady?” I ask. This entire time I’ve been imagining an older woman wandering around the lobby, peeking out the door, then coming back to the desk to ask Julien some nonsensical question.

“The weird part: she was probably late 20’s.”

“What? For real?”

He nods. “I was thinking maybe drugs. And I kept fearing that she’d come back down. I hoped she’d at least wait until after 7, when it would be Battlecats’ problem and not mine. Then at 5:15, as I was setting up breakfast, I heard the elevator open and I was like, Shit. And I heard the bathroom door open and shut. When I came out of the kitchen to check, there was no one here, but the light in the women’s restroom was on. I never saw anyone while I was here, though.”

“So she just disappeared.”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

I laughed. Poor Julien. I once stayed with him till midnight because we had to call the police on a lady who was trespassing. But this took the prize for weirdest night. At least weirdest night for him. Our other night auditor has told me of some odd nights as well which were pretty amusing. Julien though is always unprepared for any sort of strange shenanigans.

That night I stayed nearly two hours after my shift ended. Not the first time it’s happened, but most of the time it’s a maximum of one hour. He was very talkative that night and it made me so happy, then it made me so sad to have to leave him when he was obviously eager to keep talking.

So we’ve made tentative plans to get together for coffee in a couple weeks when we both have time. It was nice to have him bring it up himself after we had to cancel last time.

It seems my friendship with him is going well.

[silver-n-tyedye]

When you wear a mask At first it’s hard to fit into place. You struggle to breathe normally And to see out of the eyes. Everyone has their own reason For putting this mask into place.

Over time you can still feel it there You can still feel When it slips into place And you can still feel your breath As it bounces back at you. It’s hot and muggy And looking through it Still brings about a minor headache.

Time continues to go by The mask is in place Protecting you from the words And the beliefs Of those who don’t see The way you do. You want to fit in You keep the mask on.

Even as the itch becomes a burn And the suffocation builds Until every breath feels like This unending battle. Forget the mask is there Pretend that the mask is you That is the way to make it through.

You hide behind this mask This creation of protection Until you don’t know It’s there anymore. You truly do forget when You have that mask in place. You don’t even take it off Anymore Why would you? The Mask is you.

Then one day After you have worn this mask After you have pushed away From who you are And embraced who Everyone else wanted you to be You discover You don’t need that mask. The people who matter Will love who you are Behind that dreaded mask.

But when you go to remove it It sticks. You struggle and you pull, You try to dig your fingers into the edges But it only feels Like you are scratching at your own skin. You turn to the mirror And that mask is still in place. It’s still there. And yet it’s not… it’s not a mask anymore.

The mask became such a part Of your identity Of who you are That now you don’t know Who you are without it. You don’t know What it means to truly Be yourself, Especially around those Who would accept you.

Perhaps it won’t be so bad You’ll still get to fit in Right? You look like everyone else You act like everyone else You are the person That everyone always wanted you to be.

The suffocation grips at your throat For an entirely different reason now. It seems like what you had been fighting Had really been yourself This whole time. Now what do you do? Do you allow the mask to be Who you are? Do you tear your face away And seek out what you Used to look like Once upon that time Before the mask?

What do you do When you take away the Mask And there’s no one there Behind it?  

-TyeDye

[silver-n-tyedye]

TyeDye - A History of Relationships

So guys, I’ve got some super happy news!

I’ve got myself a boyf!

Let me tell you about my past relationships… so that I canexplain the absolute sheer amazingness I have come across now.

So… I’ve mentioned I’ve been in a lot of relationships before… and as painful some of them were, they were all wonderful learning lessons that allowed me to see a little more each time of what would make me happy- what I was looking for- while also helping me understand more of myself. And each time I would tell myself ‘he’s the one, he’s the one’ to begin with, and over time I would convince myself that they were what was right for me.

It all started with Jakey. (well, I suppose it actually started with North but he was a ‘I’m 16! Who wants to be my boyfriend’… and so I don’t count him as my first relationship) so Jakey was the first boy I ever actually gave my heart to. The first boy I truly thought I loved… even though he hit none of the ‘list’ I had made when younger of what I wanted from a boyfriend. Because I wanted a guy who was smart, who was musical, who could write, who could draw and was athletic and could keep up with me and be competition, but not win or lose every time. Someone who balanced and strengthened me…. And because Jakey was silly, because he took interest in me, because he said he loved me I thought he was the one. (because at 16/17 you know what love is, you know who you are and what you’re looking for. Ok, ok, /you/ might have, but I didn’t have a gosh darn clue)

So… I met Jakey when another band came to play at my school. They were missing their first trumpet and Straight (who is my band instructor, or you know was when I was still in high school) offered me up to take the spot. Jakey was 2nd or 3rd Saxaphone and so musician was hit. After we played through their songs (I might add I was sight reading and fumbling along… but it was so much fun) they asked me if I wanted to go with them to the next school. Of course I said yes, because /why miss out on such an opportunity/. We stopped for a bit at a park for lunch and I won’t forget that lunch… I won’t forget the way I saw only boys helping so I pushed my way in to help carry the box of water bottles because I was going to help too/ I remember Jakey asking me to eat a banana just so that he’d have the peel… and I remember the banana peel war that ensued between him and his friends after that… I remember it starting to rain and a lot of people taking shelter under the gazebo but I stayed out in the rain. I didn’t feel like I had the right to be a part of that group- I was an outsider, you know? Even though I had the invitation, I still felt like the stray mutt outside of the wolf pack. And so I stared out at the water as the rain came down… and Jakey came over and asked me what I was doing. My reply was instantly ‘I like the sound of the rain on the water’ (not a lie, but obviously not a valid reason). He stood there, looking at me for a moment… and then he gently took my arm and led me to the gazebo, saying ‘You can hear it from in here too. I don’t want you to get sick.’ And my heart kind of just… stopped for a moment. /This guy, he cares about me. He. Cares. About Me./ and it was such a foreign feeling… and he was tall and cute and goofy, I just figured why not?

So after we played at the second school and we were saying our goodbyes, I got email addresses from some of the band members and of course made sure to get Jakey’s. And as soon as I got home I was sending him an email. And then we were talking every spare moment and he was admitting he liked me and of course I liked him and I had my first relationship- pretty much long distance and online, but it was there. And I knew he existed because I had known him in person. As I learned more about him I discovered he was really low on my list of standards- he had low GPA, didn’t seem to care about his grades, didn’t play sports… he just… wasn’t what I had wanted. But he liked me and when had that happened before and it wasn’t like I had my whole life to keep looking (heavy sarcasm, heavy heavy sarcasm)… so I stuck with him. And I texted him all the time, every spare moment… and we chatted over Yahoo messenger… and we did things like sext… because I thought it would make him happy (no images exchanged, just… well pretty much role playing sex scenes- except for one time when he was jerking off and he asked me to pleasure myself and to tell him about it. I made the attempt… but  I never did get off, though I told him I did because I figured it would make him happy…) and I’d send him videos of random things like me singing or giving him a tour of my family’s property and I continued to wait for this hollowing part in my chest to fill… and he talked to me less and less until what used to be full conversations became me talking at him and him replying with ‘: )’ or ‘lol’… and then one day it all stopped. I haven’t heard from him still, though I tried over the next few months to find out what happened. He was just… gone… and I honestly lost myself for a long time.

I found myself a rebound guy online and I played him for all my flirty worthiness and I had him eating out of the palm of my hand. Poor guy… that didn’t last long. I ended up dropping him eventually with not much more than a ‘I think we are just good friends’. And this entire time I just kept looking for someone else to piece me back together… for someone to understand what it meant to be shattered, and who would know how to pick the pieces back up and get the glue and the tape and fix the scar that was gouged deep into me. Because losing someone through silence… through them just not being there anymore… it’s one of the worst feelings.

it’s like losing a pet. It’s one thing for it to get hit by a car… you know it’s over, you can bury the pet and mourn the loss… but when the pet runs away- you don’t know. You don’t know if they died, or if someone else picked them up… you don’t know if they’re lost and alone, laying forgotten in a ditch… or if they’d been hit by a vehicle, or attacked by wild animals. /You don’t know/ and not knowing is the worst feeling for me. So I looked for people to piece my heart back together.

And in the end you know what I discovered? No matter how many guys I picked up to fill that hole, it was still there- growing larger in fact, eating away at my insides and my happiness and making it hard not to just spiral into the darkness. And my saving grace? Silver. My best friend. But you know what? She didn’t pick up my heart and put it back together for me. She showed me how to do it myself. She taught me how to fix myself, even when she herself was coping with being shattered- she taught me how to put the pieces back together. My family didn’t understand, and I had no other friends to go to… and yet she was there. And that was my first step at understanding that boys/ significant others did not stand up to a real friend.

My next relationship went a little better. It was with Marker, a guy who is still a fairly good friend of mine… He was my first real ‘in person’ relationship. (because seriously, North doesn’t count. He was an experiment but I didn’t actually care for him. When he asked if he could kiss me I went running for the hills… I actually broke up with him the next day… yeah, no kissing :P Eew).

So anyway, Marker. Yeah. He and I met in college (because I was in Running Start and he was just going to college). He and I had an art class together and he was the most likely person for me to make friends with so I did. And again with the ‘talking to him every spare moment and hanging out with him whenever I could’ and whenever there was studio time for class (a required 2 hours per week if I recall, that had to be spent outside of class time working on art stuffs) we always tried to schedule together. We got into charcoal smear fights and were super flirty, but he confided in me that he was in love with this girl who hated him… which I still don’t get, I see love as a two way street but with the akoirromantics, I guess it can be one way… ANYWAY, I was conflicted with how I felt about him… and yet started dropping hints that he could have a girl that would actually return the affection. He could have me. It took me just about outright saying it one day before he got it…

And then it all became clear to him and I had my next boyfriend. And for a while it was great. We’d hold hands /in public/ and I had my first kiss with him (ew, gross. Kissing is just, ew. No. Bad) and he and I would spend all of our moments with each other… when that semester ended and the next began he got into Drawing 2 so that we could be together in the same class and we sat next to each other all the time and spoke about art and our lives and he was a cool guy. Silver even met this guy, more than once, and my sister… though neither of them liked him much (he’s kind of a cute, dorky awkward). And… he was such a push over that I started pushing him on that. I started taking over and playing emotional games and… I became this monster in the end. I manipulated him… and I kept trying to tell myself that I was happy. I could live happily ever after with Marker and things would work out fine- My grandma /loved/ the guy, so much… (maybe because he was seriously religious like my folks are.. cuz you know, birds of a feather right- though I’m not extremely religious anymore) and it just… I kept telling myself that even though I was irritated by his mere presence and began looking for ways to avoid him, that I loved him and that we’d get married some days and he’d accept I didn’t want kids and we’d adopt and have a happy life… and I was ok with that. We went to homecoming together… and he had Christmas with my family, and Thanksgiving, and I met his family and… it could have been a set deal. He certainly loved me. But when on Christmas his family came to pick him up and I can’t remember the conversation but he said something that bugged me and I outright kicked him (physical abuse… red flag, red flag) I just… realized that the person I was with him was not the person I wanted to be. I would ask him things like ‘If I were a boy, would you still love me Marker? Would you still care about me?’ and his reply would never satisfy me because he would say things like “I’m not that way, I really wouldn’t” and it just… he never knew how to answer me and make me happy… And looking back at that Christmas’ picture, you could see the distance I was trying to put though his arm was around me… and after he was gone my Aunt (mom’s brother’s wife) sat me down and we talked about relationships and how it’s not good to be with someone that didn’t make me happy… well things began to sink in. It was slow at first, and I began to notice every tiny little problem about him and about us and about me… and the day after Prom I broke up with him. There were tears and angry words thrown at me, of course, but I actually felt so much lighter- like this cancerous thing had been removed from my heart. I didn’t see Marker for a long time after that… And we’ve become friends in the end but that’s a story for another time… So that was my first real in person relationship. (fun little trivia thing, I wrote a lot when I was younger and I wrote out my perfect guy at the time. Marker hit every little thing about that guy… and it just goes to show sometimes what you think you want isn’t what you actually want… and sometimes what you wanted then and what you want now are so very, very different).

A few more guys between that… most of them more like almost relationships then anything… a guy who called me a lesbian and I considered it for a while but came away with a ‘nah, not my thing’ and then I came across Sok. He was attractive, he was funny, he knew how to play the piano and he was an artist. It made my heart sore to be around him and I cut time with my family short to help him out with homework (first time we hang out). I kept finding all reasons to hang out with this badass with a fantastic tattoo and who could talk for forever on all these different subject- especially techy stuff, he’s such a tech nerd. And he has the craziest theories- I still love hearing them…

And things were slow at first- I did all the advancements. When he came over for movies I’d move closer to him and try to be sneaky about holding his hand (cough cough –I was so obvious- cough) and then he would kiss me and… though I didn’t like the feeling of it entirely, he would always explain how it felt to him and somehow that made it worth it… he was the first guy I ever saw without any clothes on and the first guy I gave a blow job to- (yeah, I would say I ‘suck at those’ but I’m not punny) and again I thought I was in love. Because I had no freakin’ clue what love was supposed to be. I thought those warm fuzzy feelings of being close to someone was it… but soon he was pulling away from me too. I could spot the signs this time, though I denied them… the talking to me less, never hanging out anymore… he just grew so distant until it had been a month since I had actually spoken to him. Finally I sat next to him in class- he didn’t seem to mind- and I wrote out ‘Are we still a couple?’ (ok, so it took forever for me to work up to it through our notes. I kept trying to hint through song lyrics and what not but people can be so daft sometimes… he did not catch on… and I was at the end of my rope so I came out and asked). His reply came instantly. He wrote ‘I think we make better friends’ (remember that guy? I’ve mentioned him before) and… man was I mad. See, at that point, even though my heart still pounded in his presence and I was still leaning closer to him- I had accepted things were over. But that he hadn’t come out and just told me. He just hadn’t told me outright… and I felt that was such a coward’s move. And I still thought I cared about him and went running to my mom about it and her response was ‘it seemed to me like you guys were just friends.’ Just friends. What does it take to not be friends, mom? If I told you the things I had done with him, would we still be friends? But… we never did hold hands in public- or if we did it was hidden under the table. Months after the break up I’d casually bring up that I had dated him and people would be like o.O no really? Yes. Yes I am cool enough. I got to date a badass that was in a rock band with a zebra fauxhawk (I think that’s what he called it?) and gorgeous eyes and he said we’d make better friends (he was right. We really do, by the way)… And so another relationship ended with me feeling a strange new sort of emptiness. Like I wasn’t good enough… why wasn’t I good enough? Because it took me forever to actually lock into my theory that it was just as good to be friends with someone. To have someone’s love platonically was a wonderful feeling- is still a wonderful feeling. And I started to become ok with that.

Months later, Silver decides to move in with me and she gets a job and starts telling me about this coworker of her’s that she likes. Of course I start feeling lonely/jealous ish because I don’t have a guy of my own. I turn to online dating because there aren’t any boys in my class that really interested me and I had always wanted to give it a shot.

Two days later, NotButter is messaging me and he’s this really cool writer that doesn’t live with his parents, actually takes time to talk to me… and is just… well is a generally good guy. He’s so open minded about everything… he’s willing to listen to my opinions, unlike Sok who was quiet and distant at best. He never said what he wanted or how he felt… and it left me asking questions and only gaining more questions with his answers… but NotButter… he actually was open with caring for me.

I can’t remember how long we spoke online before he and I were meeting in person. That first day we met up I of course brought Silver along so that if he was an axe murderer (which he joked was about murdering axes, instead of murdering with axes… funny, right?) we could die together… and he wasn’t the cutest guy I had ever seen and he was really overweight- something I’ve never been a fan of in significant others… but I looked past it and saw his adorable flippy hair, his really gorgeous eyes, and that he could easily pick me up and carry me around like I was a princess… and I thought for the longest time ‘I’ve got it this time. He’s the one. He’s gotta be, he’s so perfect’… but life is a tricky one. That first night I should have caught the red flags when I told him I wasn’t a big fan of kissing and yet he pressed it lightly and we ended up kissing. I should have seen it coming when, while watching the Croods, he began this whole ‘dry humping’ thing and figuring I had to do the same to make him happy I did as well. We actually did that for… such a long time…. And I was getting sick and tired of it so I pretended to break down… and in pretending actually did have a break down and began to outright cry. And he apologized and apologized and ‘comforted me’ and said he’d never do it again and it was my fault too because I hadn’t stopped him. I didn’t tell him I didn’t want it… because I thought that no one did… I thought that I was just supposed to go with it because my job is to make him happy… and I just… I got lost in trying to be a person that made him happy… a person that wasn’t me.

Remember how I keep mentioning that kissing is gross? It just… he kept saying that I Must like it. I must like kissing because I would initiate kisses… I would initiate things… and that’s just… that’s not it at all. I didn’t like the feel of my lips touching his, it filled me with this deep sense of ‘no, ew, stop’ and I did it anyway because I know he liked it. I sucked marks on his neck because he made these sounds of pleasure that I knew were supposed to be good things but that were so gross to me… but I had made myself believe it was what I liked… and what I wanted… and I let him push my boundaries until we’d spend nights making out and him attempting to get me off through fingering and it just.. never led to completion. And I’d feel broken, I’d feel there was something wrong with me…  and he’d always say he understood and wouldn’t push but he had needs too, and he would press against me and slide his hands into my shorts and he was so much bigger than me that I started considering sleeping in another bed because I couldn’t get any sleep when he stayed over. I kept pushing this to the back of my mind though- I’d push away from the fact that when I’d get up in the morning he’d claim to not know a thing he had done (which he was telling the truth, which I’ll explain in a moment) and I’d be so exhausted and I’d just want him to leave but I’d also want him to stay because I wanted someone to be close to who would hold me and he loved archery like I love archery and he got into the game of Magic: The Gathering to play the game with me… and I went against my parents and stayed the night at his house, and we showered together- though it didn’t lead to anything because I did pick a sweet guy who respected my boundaries at least that much- and even though things continued I had this gnawing feeling growing in my heart again, different from the other times. This time I was trying to understand why I couldn’t just love him completely and fully… what was the barrier? Why couldn’t I just hand my body over to him and let him use it to please himself- because I know he wanted these things from me, though he didn’t want oral… and he often said that he just wanted to make me happy… and on the drive home from his house, we got into a car accident. I had been resting my head on his thigh- it was late and I would need to get up early to work in the morning… and I genuinely liked being close to him… and right when I was waking up, sitting up, my vision becoming aware of the surroundings… we were going too fast in a detoured lane and he didn’t stop in time… and though it was a small lurch and neither of us ended up in the hospital, it did enough damage to his car that it was totaled (The other vehicle didn’t have a scratch)… his mom had to come get us, and she drove me home, before taking him home with her… and I continue to feel as if that wreck were my fault. Even if my waking up hadn’t distracted him, if I had just told him that we should have left sooner instead of bearing through a late dinner that felt wrong… if I hadn’t waited to say good bye to his friend (who took an abnormally long time in the bathroom)… maybe we could have avoided that all together. Without a vehicle, he couldn’t come see me anymore… and he didn’t have a job, didn’t have income to buy a new vehicle… And our conversations grew more irritated with one another. I called him out on not graduating high school and then not even trying to get his GED even though he was 22… he called me out on being a cold hearted person who was destroying his good mood (ha, I finally succeeded in making him sad- he who said he could never truly be sad) and I kept pushing because he was looking into a new job… but the thing is, the job he had quit? He had quit to start following his dreams… and he never made a move and never made a move… and then he was trying to get another dead end job… And I was asking him for opinions on my art and he would say things like “I’m not an Artist, I don’t know what you want me to say besides: It’s cool” and even artists can take the time to point out weird things in drawings… And he would tell me things like “You can cope” even though we were supposed to be a team…. And I came across Asexuality (a whole other story that I shall share later) and brought it up to him that I may be Asexual and he argued it, saying that I couldn’t be and that that wasn’t really a thing I was because when he fingered me I’d get wet… but you know, even if there were sparks of pleasure every now and then they never ignited into an actual fire. I was never interested, never wanted sex. And I kept pushing on NotButter about my having guy tendencies with the girl and striving to be androgynous and he, like many others, would say ‘you look too much like a girl to be androgynous. You have hips and an ass, you can’t be androgynous’ and he just never got it. I also did some research into the whole ‘groping while asleep’ and came across ‘Sex Somnia’ which is truly a thing, like sleep walking… and I questioned if he had looked into it at all because it was something that truly bothered me but he hadn’t. And I pushed on that he should have and why hadn’t he and he told me to stop playing emotional games with him and to just tell him what I wanted him to know, to research, to figure out. But the think is /I wanted someone who could figure me out without my having to say anything. Someone who pays attention to what I say, when I say it enough to even know what I’m not saying/And… finally… I just didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I delved into school and work and I didn’t answer when he called and finally he sent me a message saying he was done trying. He was done with me. But that to break up I had to say it. So I told him I still loved him, because it was the honest truth… but I wasn’t in love with him. I never had been… and then I broke up with him. And I was single again and it was like being able to breathe, but it was also like choking on smoke because I was looking at a life of being alone… who would want to be with an Asexual?

The relationship with NotButter ended back in November 2014 I think? (I’m no good with dates) And I kept my online dating site and added that I was asexual in my description and I still ended up getting the creeper asks and these other ridiculous things. Some people would be cool to talk to but didn’t hold my interest for long… some would be interesting but not stand with all my ideals (like support to the LGTBA community). Some guys were a chance for physical relationships- like cuddling- that I tried once or twice but discovered that I just couldn’t stand guys who’d press things with me without even commenting on something I like… Some guys I spoke to on the phone and told me I was too loud and excitable- and I had just been happy to talk to them… There was a guy that I thought had something going for us and I met up and we kissed and I listened to him talk and then we split up and I didn’t hear from him… I was so done with boys after that for such a long time. I wasn’t interested in people who messaged me with ‘you’re cute’ or ‘you’re pretty’ or ‘we should hang out sometime’. I ignored the pleas of ‘where di d you go’ and ‘are we still friends’ and ‘hey, are we going to talk anymore’…. I stopped replying to people, I just stopped…  I had decided I have Silver, I have Odd, I have Danny and Marker and Straight and Sok and Dette. I have my family, though unsupportive on my individuality they may be, I had happiness. I had nothing else to ask for- nothing else to want… and I was ready to take down my online presence…

Then, just about a week ago, I got this message. It started with ‘you’re cute’ and I groaned and rolled my eyes and was about to delete the email when I noticed there was more to the message and heaving a sigh I read on… and found it to be really cute. Instead of the ‘you have a cute face, let’s get down with our funky selves’ it was ‘you’re cute- but not just your face, your personality’ and he hoped I was having a good day. He didn’t ask me for anything… he didn’t even say he hoped I would respond… he just made a comment. Wished me a good day. And mentioned he was INFP (I’m INTJ) and so, curious, I replied to him. Asked him how his day was… checked to see how he’s doing… He had amazing fast replies, unlike anyone I Had spoken to. It was like he was just as enthused to talk to me as I was to talk to him. And talking to him became my priority.. We swapped Skypes and I talked to him face to face (well you know, face to screen) and I’ll admit that he wasn’t the cutest boy I’d ever seen… and he’s a year younger than me, which I was unsure about at first… but good grief is he adorable. I literally can’t… explain to you these little quirks that just seem to hit all these points that I love. One thing random is he has this bounce to his step… but more than anything, he’s just… so… in sync with me. For once I wasn’t asking ‘hey, if I was a guy, would you still want me? Love me? Be with me?’ Nope… instead he was saying ‘I hope you realize if you were a guy I’d still be with you.’ And all these things about me that others found… not so great, like my girl mustache for one which even I have issues with… he just finds cute. And my lack of desire for sex? Well, he’s Demi… he gets it… and he’s not going to push me on anything. I drove two hours to meet this silly guy (got lost and turned around multiple times, I might add- and it was terrifying) and he made the 10 hours of time I had to spend with him more than worth the terror of the drive. And at first, when I got there, I was again unsure- he talked over me and sometimes it didn’t seem like he was listening to a word I said- this silly Mongoose who just wanted to show me everything and make me hot cocoa and show me that he had been listening to the song I had deemed my theme song… and he was here and there and darting back here again and my mind was just like ‘….. what did I get myself into’ but I remembered talking to the one guy on the phone and how he had told me that I was too excitable… and I realized that I couldn’t start judging Mongoose right off the bat- and I realized that his enthusiasm was entirely sweet… and though I found myself panicking a bit while driving to where we’d be seeing a movie (because driving in a place I don’t know going to a place I don’t know when I’m not getting constant clear instructions puts me on edge) but he would point out where we’d be going before I had to make the turn and then he was asking me to sing along to my “The Sound of Music” And I don’t know if he was really paying attention the times I did start singing because he’d be talking but I enjoyed every minute of it anyway, and… I’m finding… what a relationship can actually be. It’s his term to be a Boyf, which he is mine, and his term for me is Goyf which is Girl/Boyfriend and it just… it resonates with me. He resonates with me. And of course nothing is set in stone and it’s been a week, not a month or a year, and though he has his scars and his mistakes and his own past, he seems to finally fill that odd hollow area in my chest. He even got me to cuddle with a girl (Yay for being a Panromantic) And I just wanted to share with everyone that if you’re not happy with a relationship, stop it. There are better guys out there. Never ‘settle’. Always, always look for the person that can actually make you happy just by being themselves… and who you can be happy just by being yourself… and who balances you in so many ways. Don’t ever settle… not when there’s so much more out there for you.

And Mongoose? Thank you…. I didn’t know I could actually care for someone like this.

And also thank you, Silver, because God knows what I’d be like if she hadn’t been around to keep my mind open.

[silver-n-tyedye]

Just working on getting an actual style down still. Like I said, I've never really done much repeat character work... But here's TyeDye and Silver with a comic of a random event that happened the other day that I decided to sketch out because why not, right? Yeah... I am a bit of an airhead sometimes. I was literally sitting there, wondering how to make a potatoe into a camera.