Where was I again?
I feel like I’ve had a million thoughts over the last couple months... I just didn’t know where to begin, or how to put them into meaningful words that would make sense for others (what’s new)... so here we are... again... trying to make sense of all of it..
I’m always trying to make sense of it all... and by it all, I really just mean my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, and my life. Kind of a lot huh? I analyze a lot lol. Not so much when it comes to others, just myself. I feel this constant need to understand myself. Especially with everything that has happened in my life. If you understand your motivation, whether it was conscious, or not.. you get a better understanding of yourself. This creates room to change and room to grow... And when things don’t make sense...
Sometimes the best thing to do is simply begin...
I feel like that has been my life since the accident... I’ve had to simply begin everything over and over again...
Each day
Each night... attempting to sleep
Taking care of responsibilities... which I don’t have THAT many, so I’m in no way complaining... but it was an adjustment
The holidays... what all those firsts felt like... going on vacation... putting up the Christmas tree...
Going back to work
A new year
Leaving things... and people... in the past
Starting school again
Getting through this pandemic
Living my life in a way that was more than just survival and going through the motions... getting back to THRIVING.
I finally feel like I’m in a really good place. Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days and I have my moments... They still come frequently and sometimes out of nowhere... but I feel like I have a better handle on them. I know how to work my way through it now. Experience is useful in this way. Once you experience enough grief triggers, you learn how to deal...
I read this quote today, it was somewhat cliche,but what the hell... sometimes we need a little bit of cliche.
“This year I lost, won, failed, cried, laughed, loved, but I didn’t Fold.”
A lot of people tell me, “I don’t know how you do it.” Especially when they go through their own hardships... I honestly just kept moving because that was the only option, for me. Life doesn’t stop and we can choose to stay stuck in the past... the what ifs... the whys... or we can pick ourselves up and just keep swimming (I had to).
I started reading a book that my sissy gifted to me called Everything Happens For A Reason. Its actually been a really great read so far. There is a bit of a religious aspect to it and I’m not religious, but I enjoy the viewpoint of learning something valuable from each thing that happens in life.
If we can find meaning, or learn something from even the worst things that happen in our lives, we empower ourselves with the ability to find the good... To rise after falling... To be grateful through pain... To laugh and smile through tears...
I can’t say I know the exact reason why all of this happened... I have my moments where I sometimes ask myself why... the days I miss them so much I’m stuck. I can’t move, or won’t.
I don’t know the reason why terrible things happen... but I can say that this terrible thing... pushed me to become a better me...
“Now here’s what the inner world of confident people is really like as they face difficult tasks. They don’t think, I’m going to be successful. They think, I accept what I bring to this. I’m not going to be perfect. I might run into difficulties. But whatever happens I’ll find a way to cope. I’ll keep working at it until things turn out good enough. I’m not going to worry about things I have no control over. I’ll be okay whatever happens.” -Everything Happens For A Reason by Mira Kirshenbaum