Butterflies
Set it All Free - Chapter 1
Rated: T
Summary: (Sing 2016) Ash desperately tries to rationalize her new-found attraction toward Johnny - it doesn't go so well…or does it? I guess it depends on who you ask.
Fanfiction.net
A03
This was stupid.
Like, really, really stupid.
…and try as she might to try and rationalize the strange sensation of a million butterflies trying desperately to escape through her bellybutton, she was damn near certain there was something urgently wrong with her.
For less than six, count 'em, six months ago, she was getting her heart brutally ripped out from her chest by some guy she felt these exact same feelings toward once upon a time. Could still remember the sharp stabbing pain of his blatant rejection; cheating on her in their house. The one they rented since they both finished high school in the hopes of starting a band and making it big…a dream that seemed impossible at one time…
Lance was her first and only in all senses of the word. The two met in middle school, began dating almost immediately, moved in and were supposedly going to be together forever - well, up until aforementioned six months prior when the bastard decided to cheat on her. Bringing in someone else when she was out of the house; only being gone and continuing the competition in the efforts to win the $100,000 to make life better for them!
THEM!
Not her - them - for she was not at all a selfish conniving prick like he turned out to be!
How utterly blind she had been the entire time; so enamored with his resonance, artistry, and ability to write his own songs, play guitar (he was the one who taught her after all), and sing. For awhile, she was content with pleasuring and stroking his enormous ego - building him up to be this untouchable artist and musician who deserved for the world to be his stage and fans to frolic and worship at his feet.
For a long time, she was okay with being his "hot little background singer" as he coined her many times before. Simply eye-candy to draw a decent-sized crowd while his voice and talents kept them sucked in. Background, side-kick, just someone to support him in his own endeavors while he hammered her own self-confidence into the ground. Although, Ash would give him credit where credit was due. The jerk was able to do it brick by brick and where once this confident outspoken singer became a shell.
Her only purpose it seemed - to please Lance.
Ash kept the house clean, got random jobs to pay their many bills, and all around picked up after the slob who said working "messed up his song-writing mojo and artistic muse". The once hair-line cracks took form over years of the same old thing. She felt unappreciated so many times, felt obligated to speak up but every time she did, he just gave her that crooked smile, say a few nice lines (that later turned out to be slightly-adjusted song lyrics that he didn't even bother writing himself), and kissed her mouth in that certain way and all would be forgiven.
Yes, there were signs; so many signs that she ignored and pushed to the back of her mind. Those late night "gigs" he magically landed the few nights she couldn't call off of work and he wouldn't show up til the next morning. How he smelt of strange perfume at times but she brushed it off at every opportunity. Those hundreds of times he belittled her own talent, pushing her own talents so far down that she scarcely believed in herself and own abilities at all.
For such a long time, she believed his many lies.
"You're holding us back, Ash."
"You need to let me lead in vocals."
"Stop singing so loud."
"Turn your guitar amp down."
"You're not good enough to be the lead…"
It took a long time; many years of being belittled and her brushing it off before she began to believe it.
Allowed his doubts and own insecurities to be placed upon her own shoulders; believed wholeheartedly that she was the one holding them back all those years. That her propensity to over-project her vocals and shred on the guitar to drown out his own. The dirty look and demeaning talk he'd have with her afterward always made her chest hurt. She had guilt over perhaps ruining all the chances they had before. Losing gigs to other less talented musicians and never seeming to find their big break that would rocket launch them to super-stardom…
For years she believed it…
Yet it turned out it was the other way around…well, according to Buster Moon anyway.
Buster had chosen her and instead of being at all supportive of her opportunity, Lance downplayed her talents. Minimized Buster's kind words and made it seemed like it was the wrong choice to even accept this generous possibility just because it wasn't him that got chosen.
Lance dug the knife in deeper; dismissing her talents like many times before.
"You can't write your own songs."
…and a part of her believed it…
Yet, she did something for once; she went against his desires. The pull of 100K was far too great to ignore and she went to the next auditions with her head held high. Ready to win, to show Lance she could do it…if only she would have known what would occur when she was away…
Ash couldn't describe the horrendous burning and searing pain that enveloped her chest the second she saw them together. This, this slut that threw herself on everyone she knew since high school. This girl who flirted with everything with a pulse and made her school days a living hell was in their house - about to kiss her boyfriend!
The same boyfriend she'd been with for years; had given, wasted so much of her life with - threw her and their life away like it was trash! Like all of it meant absolutely nothing to him - like she meant nothing…Their whole life suddenly flashed before her eyes in that split-second. Their five year relationship flitted in front of her vision; so many moments and memories that were now permanently tainted by this one.
At first, she saw fire.
Nothing but burning white anger and hatred filtered through her as she screamed. Voice probably attuned to a rabid tiger as she threw him and his whore out; strained as she bellowed and grabbed his guitar (in the case) and flung it at him as hard as she could. Wanting desperately to hurt him if only a fraction of the pain she was currently in. Within her inner-subconscious, she heard his lame excuses, his meandering words that would normally cause doubt landed on deaf ears…there was no excusing what he had done.
Not this time.
The tears came next.
Back firm and cold against the door, she slid down; her vision became nothing but a blur. Round wet tears slipped down her cheeks as her heart beat frantically in her heaving chest. A pain so viable leaked through every single fiber of her being as she brought her folded legs up against her chest.
Burying her face into her knees, she wept.
A girl who never liked to show emotion, learned to hide her true feelings behind her thick eyeliner and punk rocker attitude - fell completely apart.
Silently recalled her crying on stage the next day; reluctantly singing that horribly embarrassing pop song " Call Me Maybe" through her tremendous shutters and sobs. How she so easily cried in front of all those practical strangers. To further add insult to injury was having to wear the dreadfully tacky dress Buster had chosen for her.
Yet, Ash couldn't bring herself to care.
Once Buster rightfully dismissed her off the stage and she moved backstage, she began sobbing even harder. Her whole life felt like a huge lie; a great deception in which she had been used and abused throughout most of it. It felt like some kind of demented Twilight Zone or nightmare in which she could not wake up. All she wanted was to be numb; to not feel this cattle prod shooting through her chest cavity and shocking her battered, torn heart over and over again.
A part of her just wanted to die for death had to be easier than this. A sensation of complete worthlessness filled her chest. Most of her world revolved around Lance and their life together and now that was gone. Left with a shell of herself. It was as if she didn't know who she was anymore without him
…and she hated it…
Ash couldn't help but flinch at the sensation of a hand on her shoulder. Peering teary blue eyes up she met the warm blue irises of a female pig with a gentle smile. A motherly smile; something else which she had little knowledge of for her own mother wasn't exactly a model parent nor did she ever try to be. Just went to work to leave Ash to her own devices most of the time; over cooked tv dinners and cold cereal all she ever bothered to make for her. Wasn't exactly motherly but what did she know?
So, at first Ash was more than a bit hesitant even as the woman reached out to hand her a tissue. Peering up one more time to meet her eyes, Ash felt strangely at ease and took it; dabbing her swollen eyes before rudely blowing her nose. The pig, later she knew as Rosita, unfazed by any of it, sat next to her and placed a hand on her back. Being comforted was a strange feeling; especially given by a virtual stranger, yet Rosita's voice was soft, kind, and accepting.
Her only question; "What happened?"
Without warning, her chest seized and pain intensified deep in her stomach. Flashes of Lance and Becky singing together before leaning in for a kiss. Their whole life together nothing more than a big fat lie and damn, it hurt so bad! Body screamed for relief and without any rhyme or reason, the words just flowed out with just a bit of prompting. Rosita's hooven hand strangely cool as she rubbed small circles on her shoulder as Ash spoke in broken sobs of what her asshole ex-boyfriend had done.
Although rather vague, she gave her the gist of it through her tears and shuttering breaths. Rosita said she was better off and and Gunter (who walked in and listened in at some point) hurled strange insults toward her slimy ex. That felt good to hear even if they didn't make a lick of sense. Yet, it didn't admonish the bile in her gut and throat completely.
Ash still felt unbearably hallow; scooped out of her organs and bones leaving her pelt to dry in a cold blistering wind. Never did she think emotions could hold an almost physical pain…
It didn't end there.
Buster's voice broke through her melancholy for only a moment as he called Rosita and Gunter. Again, Ash was hit with a wave of ice. She didn't want to be left alone again; not when she just experienced a touch of sunshine through her hurricane of icy black pain…
"Here," Rosita said suddenly, plopping a rather heavy yellow tote onto Ash's lap, "There should be some gum or candy in there. Help yourself."
Ash couldn't stop the half smile that arose on her face when she met those kind motherly eyes for a split second before she left. Once the pigs were gone, she was lost in her own head. Shaking paw subconsciously scooping out a few hard candies and a stick of gum if only to keep from doing those ugly blubbering cries. Sniffling softly, she began popping them into her mouth. These were strangers. To think, a virtual unknown had treated her nicer than her boyfriend of five years had recently. It didn't seem possible at first. They had no reason to be kind; no reason to care about this girl, this competition that threatened their winnings. If anything, they should have been celebrating an easier win by defeating a broken girl who gave the worst performance of her life…yet, they comforted her for nothing other than the kindness of their heart.
That fact somehow broke through this horrendous depression that settled in her gut - if only a little.
"Rosita, Rosita!" A panicked voice with an attractive accent was more of a mumble in her subconscious as Johnny appeared out of nowhere. Barreling over to the pig in question; them speaking for a moment and Ash turned her eyes away; she wasn't one to pry after all.
Ash ignored him at first; her own fingers rubbing at the crinkling wrapper as she further mused over her situation. Not even noticing when the gorilla sat beside her for she was acquainted with him somewhat; saw him a few times before, the auditions and in glimpses for the few days of rehearsals they had. She felt his eyes on her for a moment and out of complete instinct, she peered up. He visibly flinched when she caught his stare and the nervous smile he gave her was un-returned. She immediately turned her face away and continued playing with the candy wrapper.
Ignoring him was not easy in the least. He was jumpy, legs shaking slightly and hands nervously folding over and over again in his lap. Every few seconds, he'd pull back his sleeves to peer down at a really nice watch; as if staring at the device would really make time go any faster.
"I-I'm sorry," he said as if speaking to himself yet she was certain he could sense her displeasure of him jittering the box they sat upon. "Just a bit nervous, I suppose."
"...You'll do fine." she muttered with a sigh; quickly recalling him practicing from her spot backstage. His voice projected well and had a nice R&B tone to it; a natural talent she supposed. If saying that would make him stop acting hysterically nervous it was worth her own dignity for even admitting it.
"Heh. Thanks. I -" he started when Buster called him upstage. He jumped to his feet and was about to leave when he shot back a look at her, "Um, good luck, Ash. I know you'll do great next time."
The sound of her name on his tongue and the contents of his sentence had her almost swallowing hers. To think he'd heard and saw her awful performance caused nausea when it hit her as to why she would even care! Yet, it didn't stop the spark alighting in her chest at his words and smile that accompanied it. A rise of strange emotions she thought she knew far too well once upon a time exploded in her chest without her permission.
That was more or less where it started…
