An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 5/?
Fandom: The 100 (TV)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Clarke Griffin & Octavia Blake, Octavia Blake/Lincoln, Octavia Blake & Lincoln, Brief Clarke/Lexa, Brief Bellamy/Echo, Clarke Griffin & Original Female Character(s), Bellamy Blake & Original Female Character(s), Octavia Blake & Original Male Character(s), Lincoln & Original Male Character(s), Bellarke - Relationship, linctavia, Jonty Friendship, Brief Bellamy/Gina, Brief Clarke/Niylah, Minor Monty/Harper, Minor Jasper/Maya - Relationship, Minor Murphy/Emori, Minor Miller/Bryan
Characters: Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake, Octavia Blake, Lincoln, Monty Green, Jasper Jordan, Lexa, Maya Vie, Original Male Character - Charlie Winter, Original Female Character - Asher Griffin
Additional Tags: Single mom!Clarke, single dad!Bellamy, teen mom!Clarke, teen pregnancy au, Bellarke have a one night stand and then reconnect 5 years later, there will be brief Clexa and brief Becho, Bellamy's a manwhore, Clarke and Octavia become best friends, Clarke and Bellamy reconnect through Octavia, accidental pregnancy au
Summary:
18 year old, high school senior, Clarke Griffin realizes that her life is about to change forever after she discovers that she's pregnant after a one night stand. Nearly five years later, Clarke meets a bubbly brunette at the preschool where she works and her daughter goes to school. Clarke and Octavia become the best of friends. Clarke gets the shock of her life when she realizes that Octavia's older brother is Clarke's one night stand from five years before.
Don’t know when we started loosing touch - Chapter 12
Thank you so much for staying. Thank you for reading and loving this story. I hope you enjoyed the ride. I did. It was fun to write and I think this won't be my last Bellarke ff. Thank for every comment, every kudo. Thanks to my beta reader pandorathefirst. Thank you for staying with me, for sharing your ideas and thoughts and for improve my writing skills. I couldn't have done this without you.
I hope you liked the ending (just like the rest of the story). Hit me with your thoughts. What was good, what was bad? What should I write next? I mean, I have one or two ideas in mind but yeah … stay save guys. Keep enjoying the show. Keep enjoying Bellarke!
Love you all!
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
12. Through the years
[End of July]
Bellamy stayed for two more days. He spent the evenings as Clarke's guest together with Meadow. After the little girl fell asleep they both were talking about everything. When he left, Clarke and he made the agreement that they'll try their best to make it work.
[Mid/End of September]
Bellamy returned to Cleveland two weeks later. He had a week off and was spending the time with Meadow and Clarke. The blonde couldn't take off the whole week from work, so Bellamy spent a lot of time with Abby or with Meadow all by himself. Clarke tried to show him as much as possible of her hometown, but mostly Bellamy only had eyes for one thing – his two favorite blondes.
[October]
Clarke and Meadow arrived at the Ranch a day before Octavia's wedding, which was at the end of October. The wedding was beautiful. Bellamy had tears in his eyes, when Lincoln and his sister spoke their vows to each other. He also kissed Clarke for the first time after the pastry shop. They both had been dancing and he knew it was cheesy but he stopped in the middle of the song and kissed her. The people around them were cheering and clapping (which earned him a clap from his sister because it was her day and not his; she said she's happy for him anyway and so Bellamy didn't regret his action).
The kiss didn't progress any further that night. They lay in the same bed, eager to touch each other but too afraid, too unsure to do so.
[Mid – November]
Bellamy asked Clarke out on their first proper date the next time he was in Cleveland. Even though she technically picked the restaurant (since Bellamy still didn't know the good ones), he insisted on paying. They went to her favorite Vietnamese restaurant, the same one they had ordered food from four years ago, and Bellamy growled that he liked the one in Houston better (he had been there with Octavia after he left Clarke four years ago, and now O and him were regular guests). Clarke insisted on going there the next time she would be in Cat Spring.
After the date, Bellamy stayed over for at Clarke's for the first time since they have reconnected. And even though nothing has happened between them Bellamy swore that the next morning was one of the best in his entire life. Waking up right next to Clarke, having breakfast with her and Meadow – For the first time, it felt like being a real family.
[End of November]
Their first Thanksgiving as a couple, they had to celebrate separated. Clarke needed to stay in Cleveland and Bellamy in Cat Spring; but he decided to surprise them and changed Octavia's old room (she was living with her husband in Cat Spring now anyway) into a bedroom for Meadow. Murphy and Miller helped him with building a crib and Octavia decorated everything. Bellamy thought about telling Clarke via Skype that evening but he didn't.
They needed to skype a lot because shit was going down at the ranch so Bellamy couldn't leave and Clarke couldn't afford to come down. It was a hard time for Bellamy because he really missed having his two girls around.
[December]
It was the second Christmas day when Octavia and Lincoln asked him to be their baby's godfather (they both were allowed to adopt a 15 months old baby boy). Bellamy had tears in his eyes and said that it would be an honor for him.
[New Year's Eve]
Clarke surprised Bellamy by visiting on the 31st December. She wanted to celebrate the New Year with him and Meadow; as a real family. Bellamy showed Meadow her own room for the first time, which made Clarke's eyes fill up with tears.
[Beginning of January]
It was the 3rd January when it hit Bellamy out of nowhere. He had an awful day outside and was tired as hell when he walked into his bedroom, finding Clarke in one of his old flannels, cuddling under the blanket and a photo book spread across her legs. Her hair fell in messy waves over her shoulders. He stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes scanning her, taking her in. Slowly, lingering. He bit his bottom lip and swallowed when Clarke sent him a shy smile. He was falling in love. He had been for a very long time but he never really realized it. Not until now. His mouth mirrored hers and sat right next to her, capturing her lips gently between his. He didn't tell her this night. He didn't tell her the next but he decided that he wouldn't wait too long.
Bellamy visited Clarke and Meadow ten days later. Meadow got sick and Bellamy took care of her with all his heart. He sat beside her bed, reading out stories to her, rubbing her hot cheek. He fell asleep next to the bed and woke up at least twice a night, making sure that Meadow was okay. When he was about to leave Meadow was still sick and Bellamy decided to stay a little longer to take care of her. He stayed for eight days in a whole. When he came back he got the flue, lying in bed for five days in a row. But it was still worth it!
[Beginning of February]
On the 4th February Octavia and Lincoln became parents of the little Eugene. Bellamy hadn't seen anything as small and innocent as this little boy. He swallowed the tears down when he was holding the boy for the first time. He smiled so wide that his face hurt when the boy grabbed his index and returned his smile.
[End of February]
Bellamy and Clarke had their first time seven months after he came into her pastry shop. Clarke was in Cat Spring by herself. Meadow spent the weekend with her grandmother. They both needed some time as lovers. And while Bellamy didn't make a move the first night, he was the first who started it the second night. Clarke and him had been at the Vietnamese in Houston (Clarke insisted that her Vietnamese was still the better one). They drank a glass of wine in his small kitchen when Bellamy pulled Clarke on her feet and started to dance with her. Her giggle was the sweetest sound he ever heard, like the voice of an angel. He had been looking into her eyes, stopped moving and kissed her carefully. She had been smiling against his lips and a fire of desire exploded inside of him, so he peppered her jaw and neck with soft kisses. It was soft, slow, and gentle. Bellamy wanted to make it last as long as possible. He wanted to enjoy every second of it, intertwining their fingers and nibbling at her bottom lip. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, the words were on his lips already but he couldn't say it. He didn't know why but he was sure that Clarke felt the same, telling by the way she was looking at him.
They made love all night long. They went from soft and gentle, over to hard and fast, to dirty and unbelievable dirty! Bellamy made Clarke come the following morning under the shower, twice, when Clarke grabbed Bellamy's wrist, pulling him away in the middle of the day. Bellamy told Murphy to fuck off when he came back and saw the knowing grin on his face.
[Beginning of March]
Bellamy told Clarke that he loved her nine days later when he surprised her showing up at her door in Cleveland, without her knowing. He was also telling her that his offers still stood, that he wanted Meadow and her being around him all the time. That they should move down to Cat Spring but that he didn't want to push her. But he wanted to be honest, he was sick of all the goodbyes they had to say to each other. So was Clarke but she couldn't just move away. She needed time to think, to organize a move and also she did have a job and her mother was here in Cleveland as well. Bellamy understood but it still hurt.
[Mid-March]
The next time they saw each other was on Meadow's birthday, the 21th of March. They had skyped the last month and Bellamy never brought up the moving issue. It was hard not to. And he was scared that Clarke would stay in Cleveland. But it was her turn to bring it up, so he didn't say anything.
Meadow's birthday was also Bellamy's and Clarke's first fight. He gave her a pony (in Cat Spring of course). Clarke was mad at him, telling that this was something he should talk to her about first. That he couldn't make this kind of decision himself. Meadow loved her present and couldn't wait for the next time to be in Cat Spring. Bellamy apologized to Clarke a few days later.
[April]
On the 1st April Clarke told Bellamy that she wanted to move. She already sold the pastry shop, so Bellamy, Murphy and Miller drove 1300 miles to Cleveland, to help Clarke and Meadow with the move.
Bellamy had a long talk with Abby, who was sad but also happy for her daughter and granddaughter leaving, becoming a real family. She told him not to screw it up! He swore to her that he will try his best not to.
[May]
In the beginning of May the idea of marrying Clarke hit him the first time. They were having a BBQ with O, Lincoln and Eugene. The sunset set in, the rays made Clarke's hair glow like gold, it was like she had a halo over her head. The women were playing with their kids on a thick blanket while Bellamy and Lincoln sipped at their beer bottles, watching them and having a serious talk about family. Clarke looked across at Bellamy. They both looked at each other and something electric settled in the pit of his stomach. She mirrored his soft smile and he knew: she was the one he wanted to be with forever. He wanted Meadow, her and him being a family. He wanted it on paper, he wanted the whole world to see, to know.
[June]
Bellamy took Clarke out on her birthday. He wanted to ask her. Everyone knew about his proposal (Murphy couldn't keep his mouth shut). They both spent a few hours at a delicious steak house in Huston. He wanted to ask her when they were back, sitting at the bonfire but every time he decided to ask her, nothing came out of his mouth. He got cold feet. Bellamy was angry with himself, he had planned out everything so damn perfectly! It wasn't that he didn't love her or that he didn't truly want to marry Clarke. He didn't know why the question didn't come out of his mouth.
His mood got even worse the next day. Everyone asked him with a huge and knowing grin about last night and all of them gasped in shock, when he told them that he didn't ask her. Murphy punched him into the shoulder and Octavia almost blabbed in front of Clarke after lunch, when she predicted him to be a coward.
It wasn't until three days later when Clarke was standing in their little kitchen, wearing his flannel, sleeves rolled up, and her shorts, her hair put into a messy bun, cleaning the dishes. He just took Meadow to bed. Bellamy licked his lips, approaching her and slung his arms around her, pulling her flush against his chest. He told her softly how much he loved her. Clarke retorted his words and he took the dishes out of her hands, forcing her to turn around and danced a little with her. Clarke put her head against his chest, breathing him in. He kissed her hair, closing his eyes before stepping back and looking into a confused face. He got down on his knee and Clarke gasped. He took her hand, telling her how much he loved her. How glad he was that they figured it out and that he didn't want to be without her, without them. He also told her that this wasn't what he had planned but maybe she wanted to marry him anyway?
Clarke swallowed, eyes full with tears which started to fall when she laid eyes on the ring he was holding out to her. It was her grandmother's. Abby had given it to him the day he picked Meadow and Clarke up at Cleveland. Her answer was a breathless yes. After he slipped the ring on her finger she hugged him. He swirled them around. Then she kissed him. It was perfect. So much better than the proposal he had planned out.
[End of August]
The wedding was at the end of August. It was at the Kane Ranch. Meadow was their flower girl. Wells, Clarke's childhood friend was their special guest. Octavia was Clarke's maid of honor. Miller was Bellamy's best man (Murphy insisted on being the second best man).
Clarke and Bellamy couldn't afford a real honeymoon. So Meadow spent a week with her grandmother in Cleveland, while Bellamy and Clarke spent all day in bed. Kissing, cuddling, laughing – just enjoying being together, being alive.
When she came back, Bellamy picked her up at the airport. She let go of her grandmother's hand when she spotted him and ran towards him. Right into his arms and calling him "Daddy" for the very first time. His heart nearly burst out of joy.
Kane offered Bellamy to be his partner a month later. He said yes.
On the same night Clarke told Bellamy that she was pregnant.
Four weeks later they found out that they were having twins.
This time Bellamy would be there from the very beginning.
This time he would be there at their first laugh, first step, first word, their first everything.
Don’t know when we started loosing touch - Chapter 11
How great have the last episode of the100 (3x11) been, huh? All our babies working together, the delinquents together and the100 being the100 again. It felt so freaking good and I don’t want to start with Bellarke! Seriously guys, all they have to do is standing next to each other and I’m almost fading out. It’s unbelievable how thirsty I’ve been for new scenes and it was everything! Next week looks also amazing – again, the delinquents being together *__*, and please lets fingers crossed that the writers won’t repeat their shit of leaving out most of the delinquents for some other storytelling and like hell, if they’ll separate Bellarke next season even ones, I’ll freak out! But, well, I should stop rambling.
So here is the last chapter (there will be an epilogue, so it’s not really the last chapter) of my first multi-chapter Bellarke ff. Most of the time it was so much fun and easy to write, but life got in it’s way far too often. This chapter will have Bellamy’s and Clarke’s POV and I really hope you like both of it because when I started writing the Clarke part my grandpa died and I was a huge mess :/ And no, I don’t tell you this to get your pity but to make sure you get the reason why the Clarke part probably isn’t as smooth as the Bellamy one. But, whatever – Clarke and Bellamy had a huge fight in the previous chapter and here we go, looking if they can work their shit out.
The official thank you comes with the next chapter, but once again I want to thank you for your comments, I’ve never thought I would get so much credit for this story and you really make my heart beat like the sun (does this makes sense?) and I enjoy every word of yours. I also think about your critical things and hope to make it better the next time.
Enjoy the showdown part 2. Love you all & stay safe!
Thanks goes as usual to my beta pandorathefirst for helping me with this chapter and giving me such nice feedback and support.
Chapter Ten
Chapter Nine
11. The Bittersweet
Bellamy stood behind a barn, three miles away from the main building. It was one day after his fight with Clarke and he hadn't seen her since. He had been too angry to even be in the same room as her. Last night Bellamy hadn't slept at all. The disappointment and the anger kept him awake. The thoughts and pictures of what he had missed and of what could have been had been rushing through his head all night long. He was avoiding the blonde, for her own good. So he hadn't been in the main building since the morning. It was short after midday now, the sun was high and hot. He had rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and was chopping wood. Not that they needed it, it was midsummer after all but when Bellamy was angry he always chopped wood. It was his valve. He chopped wood till his arms hurt, till he hadn't enough strength to raise the axe. He stood there for more than two hours, sweaty and deep in his thoughts but desperately trying not to think too much about Clarke and his daughter Meadow. His thought however, were interrupted when a furious Octavia stomped towards him.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She asked and caught his attention. Bellamy gave her a short look, then he turned back to the log.
"If Clarkes sent you, I don't want to –"
"She didn't. And you know why? Because she is gone!"
"What?" Bellamy stopped his axe from hitting the log, blinking in complete surprised at his sister. She left? Before Bellamy could express any thought Octavia's furious voice filled the silence.
"She packed her things and left just ten minutes ago! All three of them. Kane is driving them to the airport right now."
Bellamy swallowed. She really left. He didn't know how to feel or what to say because after all, it was what he had told her to do yesterday, right? He wanted her to leave. He was avoiding her since yesterday, too angry with her to talk. It, it was a good thing. "She would have left tomorrow anyway", responded Bellamy, trying not to care about the fact that she didn't even say goodbye. But it was better, he knew it. He couldn't speak to her right now. It was good that she left. That she was out of his sight, his mind, probably out of his life. So Bellamy went back to chopping wood when Octavia gasped in disbelief.
"You got to be kidding me right? You, she left because of you Bellamy!"
"What do you want me to say Octavia?" Bellowed the cowboy angrily and dropped the axe to the ground. Why the hell did she care? It wasn't any of her business what happened between Clarke and him. Of course Bellamy knew that Octavia cared about him, that she was worried.
"I get that you are pissed Bellamy. But don't you think that Clarke isn't punishing herself enough already, even without your wrath?"
"You don't get it O! You don't know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling."
"You are right," retorted Octavia after a short silence and her voice was so calm that it pissed off Bellamy even more. "But I know that you didn't mean the things you said to Clarke. She made a mistake –"
"A mistake? She fucking betrayed me Octavia! She lied to me! She used me! She blocked me out of Meadow's life on her own. She never even asked if I wanted to be a part of it or not!"
"But she did now."
Bellamy snorted. Was his sister really taking Clarke's side?
"Three years too late, O. Three fucking years!" His voice grew louder with every word.
"She might have come down here to tell me the truth, but she didn't. It had been too late already. She should have told me the moment she found out and not three years later! And even then she kept lying. And I wish I would never have helped her out four years ago. I wish she wouldn't have come down here at all."
The anger grew in his chest. He could feel the heat, while Octavia swallowed, eyeing him closely, "You don't mean that."
"Yes I do! I wish I've never slept with her. I wish I could turn back time and, and, she kept her away from me for three years. Not one, not two – but three years!"
His words made his sister flinch. He was yelling at her, throwing the log furiously against the stack. His hands clenched and he growled loudly, he was almost screaming. He let his anger go, trying to calm himself down with taking deep breaths. His hands ran through his dark hair and over his face. He was tired. And disappointed and angry. He was so god damn angry!
Bellamy swallowed the thick lump and laid his eyes on his sister. He felt awful immediately. He sighed.
"I'm sorry O. You're not the one to blame. I'm just- I'm just so freaking angry. She used me. She blocked me out for three years. I, I-" Bellamy swallowed because he kept thinking about the words he never dared to voice before– "I just missed so fucking much. I missed Clarke's belly growing, I missed the birth, the first cry … her first words and her first steps. I missed her first smile. I missed all of this not because I decided not to be a part of it or because I didn't want to be Meadow's father. I missed all of this because Clarke didn't let me. She gave me no choice!"
He felt his throat tighten and the tears rushing into his eyes so he coughed loudly, avoiding to face his little sister.
"I know," she said softly and Bellamy wanted to snort again but he didn't. "And that sucks. A lot. But … oh Bellamy, there are so many things you can still look forward to. Yeah, you might have missed her first words and her first steps but you can make things right now. Clarke screwed up. She knows it. You and I know it. That was on her. But this time? It's on you! You can do things different Bell. And this isn't about you and Clarke anymore. About if you can be together. This is about Meadow. She, she deserves to grow up with a father. You know how much it sucks to do without one. And no-", said Octavia firmly when Bellamy wanted to interfere,
"I'm not saying that you are like our dads. But, come on, do you really want to miss her first day in kindergarten? Or her first school day? Don't you want to comfort her when she has her first fight with her best friend? Or scare all the guys away who want to ask her out to prom?" She started to laugh a little, probably remembering the days where she was a teenager and Bellamy literally scared every boy away who even looked at her.
"There are so many things to look forward to Bellamy. But … you have to clear your head. Try to figure out what you want. But if you ask me – put your god damn pride aside if not for yourself than for your daughter. Because that's what Meadow is after all – your daughter."
Bellamy looked into his sister's serious and almost pleading face. Her words made his mind turn. His heart jumped in his chest, fast and loud. His stomach clenched. He swallowed, clearly feeling the big lump in his throat. So his voice was rough and hoarse.
"I- I don't know if I can truly forgive her, O. She … she hurt me. Clarke, she, she doesn't deserve to be forgiven."
His facial expression hardened again. He rolled back his shoulder blades, straightening up. Yeah, Clarke didn't deserve any of his forgiveness.
Octavia closed her eyes for a few moments, breathing loudly before she sighed, telling him,
"Forgiveness isn't about what people deserve Bellamy. It's about if you want to forgive her. And this is something only you can find out. But – I know you love her Bell –"
"No, no I don't love her. I barley know her. Actually I don't know her at all."
"But you could have," mumbled Octavia and Bellamy's heart jumped up and down. His jaw clenched while he tried not to give himself away because yeah, he could have loved Clarke. But she screwed it up, so it didn't matter anymore.
"I, I just know you big brother. I know that you care about her, about them. You always did. And I also know that you don't abandon the people you love. Maybe, maybe Clarke and you can fix this and make it right. Maybe you can't but never forget that this isn't about you any longer. The decision you'll make will not only influence your but mostly Meadow's life. I know that you are still hurt and angry but I also know that you'll regret it. Maybe not tomorrow, but one day you'll blame yourself for not having done anything. Just, just think about it."
She looked at him like she expected him so say something but Bellamy's throat was glued again. He didn't know what to say. Her words were running through his head, together with the memories of the fight with Clarke. He swallowed, taking his eyes off of his sister and started to nod, slowly. He hoped that it would be enough for Octavia to leave and after a while he heard her walking away, leaving him at the stack.
____________________________________________
They were standing at the bar of Jonty's. The day had been a rough one, so Bellamy was happy to relax, drink some beer and talk to his friends and co-workers. He just handed a new round of beer to the others when Miller stopped midsentence.
"What?"
Miller raised his finger, signalling Bellamy to be silent. The cowboy frowned, looking at his best friend's face who clearly was listening to the song that just started playing.
"Listen Bellamy. It's your song!"
"What?"
Have you heard about the lonesome loser Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Miller laughed and Bellamy didn't get why this song was supposed to be his song.
"Well, you are the loser and Clarke is the queen of hearts."
"What? No, no I'm not –"
"Unlucky in love, least that's what they say. He lost his head and he gambled his heart away," interfered Raven and Murphy, both singing along the music.
"Dude, you so are the loser!" Laughed Miller and took a sip out of his bottle.
"You are nuts," mumbled Bellamy, gripping his bottle a little harder. "This song is nothing like –"
But they weren't listening. Instead all of them started singing again, which made Bellamy growl.
"He doesn't show what goes on in his head, but if you watch very close you'll see it all!"
Bellamy's expression darkened and Miller laughed again, telling the other's to stop. They were all grinning and Bellamy never wanted to wipe away their cheesy smiles more than at this moment.
"It fits you perfectly man," said Murphy and Bellamy gave him a dangerous look.
"Like hell it does."
"Of course. You are just pretending to be okay, but we all know that you're not. You had feelings for Clarke. Gosh, you still have! It's been more than two weeks now. Grow a fucking pair and get the girl before it's too late." Explained Raven and you could tell by the way she looked at him, that she was serious.
"I'm not 'unlucky in love'", he quoted angrily and again, no one was listening. They were just so fucking stubborn.
"Of course. And you are hiding from it!" Stated Murphy.
Bellamy's body started to tense. He needed to get out of here, otherwise he would beat them up. His gaze darkened when Miller opened his mouth again. He cut him off immediately.
"Don't say anything Miller! I don't want to hear it. This is complete bullshit."
Raven rolled her eyes, Murphy coughed "Liar" and Miller sighed. "Okay, okay, this is nothing like you."
"Thanks," growled Bellamy and was just calming himself down (because maybe his friends weren't all wrong about it), when Miller nodded "No problem" and no more than five seconds later they were all shouting the refrain. Bellamy groaned, cursing every one of his friends to death but decided to endured it. It wouldn't last forever.
(Except that Monty pushed the repeat bottom at least another four times and maybe, just maybe, Bellamy did smile by the end of the fourth one.)
### CLARKE POV ###
The drive to the airport had been horrible. Clarke had barley slept last night. Not because her mother had been pressuring her to talk but because the fight with Bellamy had been playing on repeat in her head. Actually, her mother didn't ask her until two days after going back home. And Clarke was thankful for that. Abby knew that she needed space and time to cool everything down. Pushing Clarke wouldn't have given her answers. But still – the tension during the car ride, the goodbye with Kane and the flight had been terrible. More than once Clarke had to swallow the big lump in her throat, forbidding herself to cry. She screwed up. She messed up for good.
Her stomach still clenched by remembering the look on Bellamy's face when he found out, when he yelled at her and blamed her for all this. And he had been right. She was the only one to blame. She already knew before. But now? Not it was even worse, knowing that there was no going back. Knowing, that Bellamy hated her. That he didn't want to be a part of her life. But the longer she thought about it, the angrier she got. She understood that he didn't want to see her, that he didn't want to have anything to do with her and that the feelings he said he had weren't as strong as she thought they were. She got it, that he won't forgive her, that they'll never get together, but god damn it! He couldn't abandon his own daughter! If Bellamy wanted to be pissed with Clarke it was okay, but pulling Meadow into this?
"Maybe he just needs some time," her mother had suggested when they both had talked about it. "This is still a shock for him, even without the way he found out. Give him some time Clarke. When his head is cleared he will talk to you."
He didn't.
Clarke desperately wanted to believe her mother's words but Bellamy stayed radio silent the first week. Then another, in which Clarke had often pulled out her phone to contact him, to do the first step but she never wrote or called him. Just like him. When the third week passed, Clarke gave up hoping for something that wouldn't happen, she stopped hoping for a miracle. Bellamy had made his choice, so she had to live with it. She had to live with it that she screwed this up. Not only for her and Bellamy but mostly for her daughter Meadow.
Clarke was looking through the credit card bills from the last six months because her electricity provider claimed that she hadn't payed for the last two months in the back of the pastry shop, when she heard Anya's voice, followed by footsteps.
"Clarke?"
"What?" Asked the blonde annoyed without looking up. These electricity people really got on her nerves.
"There is someone who wants to order a wedding cake."
"And?"
"Well," started Anya and was clearly uncomfortable with a Clarke who was this much on the edge, "it will be needed in two days."
Clarke's eyebrows popped up. She groaned. What the hell? Who ordered a wedding cake two days before its needed?
"Are they going to Vegas or what?" Growled the blonde and slammed the folder close. She took three deep breaths, forcing herself to smile, knowing that it wasn't her best but it would probably work for the customer, before she followed Anya into the front of the shop.
"Hello, welc-" Clarke stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes widened and her heartbeat stopped for a couple of seconds before it hammered stronger than ever in her chest. Her mouth was still open as she took him in.
"Bellamy?"
Her throat started to tightened, making it hard for her to breathe. Her voice was quiet, even less than a whisper. She couldn't believe what she was seeing right now. Who she was looking at. They were staring into each other's eyes. He swallowed hard, she could see his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. He swallowed so hard, she could literally hear it. There he was. He stood in her pastry shop in Cleveland, his hair curly and messy as always, an indescribable look on his face (but still sending hot and cold chills down her spine with it).
He looked nervous, anticipated … apologetic, guilty?
She was still staring at him – like she was seeing a ghost – not realizing the questioned glances from her co-workers and the other customers. Only Bellamy's rough and low sounding "Hello" got her out of her trance.
"Hey," she offered back slowly and swallowed. She wasn't sure what to do. The last time they had seen each other he told her to stay out of his life. And now he was standing right in front of her, after almost four weeks of radio silence. Clarke swallowed again, trying to control her breathing while her eyes were still rolling over the man whose eyes were fixed on her face.
The blonde didn't know how long it took her to move but suddenly she was standing at the counter, grabbing the pad and a pen, clearing her throat one more time before she tried to act like Bellamy was just like any other customer. Her eyes were pinned on the block when she said, a little colder then intended, "So what do you want?"
Clarke forced herself to keep her eyes down. She forced herself to stay calm. She forced her heart not to burst into hundreds of pieces. Her heartbeat pulsed in her ears. Her whole body was shaking and seconds of silence passed by. She could hear how Bellamy stepped a little closer, how he shifted from one foot to another and cleared his throat.
"A wedding cake for my sister," He said slowly, but Clarke remained silent. She started to write and was about to ask for details when Bellamy cut her off.
"And a family to take away if you have."
"What?"
Clarke's head shot up, her eyes widened in shock and her whole body stiffened. Her throat glued together, her breathing was shaky while her eyes hastily flew over Bellamy's face.
He rubbed his neck, taking a deep breath and locked his eyes with hers. His voice was low, gentle and powerful.
"I, I want … look Clarke, I … I want us to be a family."
She felt her grip tighten around the pen. Her eyes were wide, staring into the brown, warm and almost pleading ones of Bellamy. She swallowed, her mouth slightly open, taking deep breaths while her mind tried to process his words. Her heart bumped in her chest, and after the shock a wave of anger rolled through her. Why? Well, because he didn't say a word for the last few weeks, making her believe that she screwed everything up for good and now he wanted them to be a family?!
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
Bellamy blinked, totally surprised by her reaction. He frowned, clearly not getting where this was coming from.
"Are you out of your – you can't just stay fucking radio silent for almost four weeks, after you told me to stay out of your life, and then stand here in my shop and tell me you want us to be a freaking family!"
"What? I-I thought this is what you wanted!" Retorted Bellamy confused.
"It was! I mean, I- did you really expect me to jump into your arms right away? What the hell am I supposed to think now?" Asked Clarke and her voice was rough, while she tried to keep it as quiet as possible. "First you told me to screw myself and now you want me in your life?"
Bellamy licked his lips, swallowing. He opened his mouth but the anger in Clarke made her cut him off.
"You can't just come in here and pretend like the fight never happened."
"I do not pretend Clarke!" Hissed Bellamy and now the anger boiled from the inside over into his voice. "I was angry Clarke! I was pissed and I had every right to be! You were the one who kept Meadow from me. You were the one who lied to me. I was angry and I still am. You betrayed me and-"
"Why the hell are you here then?"
"Because Meadow is my daughter! And I don't want to abandon her, okay? I … I remember the things you told me at the bonfire and, and I remember what could have been, okay? I told you I am tired of feeling twisted and I thought that it would stop but … it didn't. It didn't stop. I tried to move on, but she is my daughter and … you are, you are-"
"A lying bitch?"
"You are just - Clarke." Mumbled Bellamy and closed his eyes. He rubbed his forehead while Clarke's eyes were flying over his exhausted looking face. The way he said her name gave her goosebumps. She bit her bottom lip, trying to get the meaning behind his words but couldn't find anything. Because it was still too complicated, too confusing. She still didn't know how to move on, what she was about to do. She couldn't turn back the time – she would if she could – and make everything disappear. She couldn't forget what she had done and what he had said.
But still, her gaze softened a little. They were both looking at each other, while blocking the world around them out.
"Bellamy…"
"I'm sorry for the things I said to you Clarke. I was hurt and-"
"And you had every right to be. What I did-"
"You did what you thought was best for Meadow," stated Bellamy quietly. "That's why I am here. I don't want her to be without a father anymore. I, I have no idea if we can work this out. If … if I can trust you again, so we can be …together. But this isn't about us. This is about Meadow. About my daughter. Our daughter. We should do what's best for her, not what's best for either of us."
Clarke still kept his gaze. She was still chewing on her bottom lip, she still stayed silent. Again his words were running through her head. She was touched that he finally decided to be with Meadow, but on the other hand her heart bled because they probably wouldn't become partners, lovers. She didn't know how much she wanted him to be in her life, not until she had seen him again five weeks ago.
She didn't know how much she cared for him, how much she wanted him to be the person she could tell everything. The person she would fall asleep with and wake up next to. And even after the fight and the silence, she knew that she still wanted these things. So, it was good that he decided to be there for Meadow, but it would be her personal hell to live a life with a Bellamy who was so close and at the very same moment so far away from her.
But he was right. She had to do what was best for her daughter. And maybe, just maybe they both would get along someday.
Because Clarke stayed silent, Bellamy got obviously nervous. He shifted from one foot to another, rubbing his neck and clearing his throat. She was still looking at him and his gaze grew more intense the longer she stayed silent. It was like he was looking through her.
"Clarke, please say something," he mumbled anxiously and his gaze flickered around them. Clarke did the same and was surprised and a little shocked that everyone was still looking at them. The heat flashed over her cheeks. The blonde swallowed, feeling her heart bursting in its cage.
"I…", she started but didn't know what to say. Could they really just do a do-over? A fresh start? Clarke rubbed her forehead. This was way too much for her to handle right now. He just came out of nowhere and telling her all these things, making her heat jumping out of joy and crying at the same time because she wanted him to be more than just Meadow's father. She wanted him. She wanted him and his life, the life he had offered her at her mother's birthday party.
"I, gosh Bellamy I, honestly I don't know what to say. What do you want me to say? I mean, I … I'm glad that you want to be there for Meadow and that … it's just … gosh!" She huffed loudly, running her hands through her hair. She tried to calm down her spinning mind, she needed to focus.
When she looked up she saw fear creeping into Bellamy's eyes, panic loomed on his face and she sighed loudly. "It's just too much right now, I – can we talk later? Please?"
She had the feeling that something shattered behind Bellamy's eyes when she said it, he swallowed hard but nodded softly anyway. "Yeah, yeah of course. I'll stay at the Hilton Garden Inn. So, just stop by when you can."
Clarke nodded, sending him a thankful smile.
"Okay, I'll close up at six pm and can be over at seven."
Bellamy nodded, "Good."
They both swallowed, looking into each other's eyes and the tension between them making Clarke's heart beat faster. So fast that there was a drumming sound inside her head. She bit her bottom lip and caught Bellamy's eyes flickering down, which gave her a hot chill. Clarke could see how much Bellamy had to force himself to look back into her eyes and the effort he had to bring up for it let a wave of want rolling through her body. He had absolutely no idea how much she wanted to lung forward, grab the collar of his shirt and crash her lips onto his. How much she wanted to run her hand through his hair and tear off his clothes. She wanted him to press her against the stupid counter, grab her face and kiss the hell out of her. She wanted him –
"... I thought you wanted it back."
Clarke blinked in confusion. "What?"
"The hat. You, you forgot it and, well …" Bellamy pointed on the cowboy hat on the counter in front of her. His cheeks were flushed and the awkwardness rang out.
The blonde looked down and her heart stopped beating. Her whole body stopped working for a few seconds when her eyes caught the hat Bellamy gave her the one night in Cat Spring. She swallowed, grabbing the hat and looked up into Bellamy's face, feeling her eyes tearing up because of this cute gesture. It took Clarke two deep breaths before she could say something.
"That's, thank you."
Bellamy sent her a soft and almost shy smile, shrugging a little when he said, "It's yours after all. So, I guess I see you later."
It's yours after all.
Clarke bit her bottom lip harder this time. Her eyes shot from Bellamy to the hat, her fingers ran along the brim and it was getting harder to breathe.
It's yours after all.
There is no we Clarke. You made sure of that.
It wasn't love, but it was something!
You have to tell him. And then what? And then you go from there.
I don't want to push you into anything Clarke. I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to. All I want is, all I want is that you promise me not to shut me out of your life again. No matter if it will be up there in Ohio or if it's down here.
I don't care if she is mine or not, Clarke.
She is an amazing kid … and I would proud to be her dad.
Am I the father?
No. She is Finn's okay?
So, you are Marcus' second. Never took you for the responsible type of a guy.
I'm full of surprises princess.
What about the father? He could have –
He is out of the picture, so no Bellamy, he couldn't and cannot help me with raising her.
Good, then help me out of this. Please. No hard feelings, I promise you.
I still don't think that it's a good idea.
Live a little Blake.
Who is there?
It's, it's Clarke.
Clarke Griffin?
…
It's yours after all.
The thoughts were running, her head was spinning and everything turned into a blur. Her heart was beating so fast in its cage that it almost jumped out of her. The heat rolled over her whole body. The feelings overwhelmed her, making her knees weak and shaky. She braced herself on the counter. Clarke took a few deep and shaky breaths, then Anya reached her and gently put a hand on Clarke's shoulder asking if everything was alright.
"No," mumbled Clarke, shaking her head. "No, it's not." Her eyes were still fixed on the hat, all the memories were still stuck in her mind, when she straightened herself up.
"I'm sorry Anya but, I, I have to go. I'll have to –"
She stormed outside the shop, right into the pouring rain. She needed to tell Bellamy what she wanted. Even when she was scared. She needed to tell him that she wanted to do everything she had to, to make it work. She wanted to get to know Bellamy again. She wanted him to be Meadow’s father and being also an important part in her own life. It was all his after all.
So she looked to the left and to the right. Her heart bumping wildly, panic growing inside her belly. She spotted him by the end of the road. Clarke swallowed and without wasting another second she ran towards the man. She ran as fast as she could, feeling how the rain wetted her clothes but she didn’t care. All she cared about was to tell Bellamy what she should have told him a long time ago.
“Bellamy!”
She was almost there when he turned around. She saw a surprised look on his face, just in time before her body collided into his. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pushing herself against him and without hesitation she put her lips on his.
She could feel his whole body tensing up before he put his arms around her, responding to the kiss. A hot shiver rolled through her from the place where Bellamy was holding her. Her lips laid fully on his, with hard pressure. She didn’t use her tongue but it was demanding and dangerously delicious. His fingers curved softly into her soaked clothes, right to her skin. Clarke was holding him close, almost scared that he would back away if she let go. She pressed her arms harder around him.
Her heart was hammering, her mind was spinning around and she felt like loosing her balance. She swallowed against his lips, feeling Bellamy lunging forward a little more, they were still kissing. His hands were warm and soft. The heat ran through Clarke's body and then she felt the tip of his tongue against the seam of her lips, his fingers tangled in her hair. She couldn't hold back the sigh which rumbled against Bellamy's mouth before she let her own tongue slipping against his. Sending a shock of hot, delicious and electric sensation trough her.
She felt how her mind started to set in again. Hesitantly she pulled back, her eyes scanning Bellamy's smiling face who had his eyes still closed, but taking a deep breath. She licked her lips, tasting his tongue on them. Then Clarke swallowed. Her grip loosened around his neck and then Bellamy opened his eyes, locking his gaze with hers. “Clarke,” he whispered – almost pained, but Clarke shook her head. It was her turn to talk. So she took a deep breath and go for it.
“I'm sorry for the things I’ve done to you Bell. I really am and I don't want to make the same mistake again, not with you. I know that I screwed up, I really fucked up but … I don't want you to be Meadow's father.”
Bellamy's eyes widened, he swallowed hard and a low and confused “What?” left his lips.
“I don't want you to be her father and be nothing else. I … I want to work this out. Not only for Meadow but for us. I told you I don't need a man to know who I am. And I don't but - I want you. I want you in my life. And not only as Meadow's father but as the guy I can always talk to. I want you to be the man I fall asleep with and wake up to. And I remember that you wanted the same. I still want these things and … I know that we can't pretend like all these things never happened but – I want to give us a chance. All the three of us.”
Her heartbeat sped up with every word she said. Her stomach clenched and she had the feeling of throwing up. She never took her eyes off of him. She was scared even when he had just told her a few moments earlier that he wanted them to be a family. She could see how his eyes were flickering over hers, like he was searching for something. A hint, a promise that she was telling him the truth this time. That she wasn't playing with him. He bit his bottom lip, huffing lowly and putting his hands on her face once again.
“You are killing me, do you know that?” A smile resonated with his words and Clarke flushed, grabbing his wrists gently.
She watched him licking his lips. She waited, impatient for him to do something. But he just kept looking at her, his thumb rubbing gently over her cheeks. She did the same with her thumbs, running them over his skin. The rain falling down on them, but Clarke still didn’t care. Not anymore. Not with Bellamy.
“So,” started Bellamy slowly, “do you want to be my plus one on my sister's wedding?”
A grin spread over her face, it was wide and almost childish. It got wider and wider, a giggle slipped out of her mouth and she couldn't believe her heart was able to beat as fast as it did in this moment. She swallowed, nodding softly.
“I would love to be your plus one, even after the wedding.” She winked mischievously, which was responded by a loud laugh out of Bellamy's throat. “Maybe we can arrange that.”
They both were smiling at each other like idiots, her hands on his wrists and his fingers capturing her face.
"If you don't kiss me right now, I swear to god Bellamy, I-" Clarke started complaining, but didn't need to finish because Bellamy grinned at her with a wide smile, before he leaned down and captured her lips with his own.
Don’t know when we started loosing touch - Chapter 9
Okay, so lets start the party guys! We got renewed! We’ll get our season 4! And I hope they’ll keep focusing on the delinquents & sky people this time! Season 4 can be OUR season guys. I’m so damn happy! I can really enjoy the rest of the season now.
Thank you for your comments. I’m pretty sure you’ll hate me after this chapter, but, well – I had no choice? ^^” Please let me know what you think & celebrate this day xD
Thanks goes as usual to my beta pandorathefirst
Chapter Eight
The Unsaid
Bellamy had crossed his arms in front of his chest, eyeing the cow's belly carefully while Lincoln was touching it.
"Okay, everything is fine," Lincoln said and closed his kit before turning towards Bellamy. "She should give birth the next three or four days. You should keep her in the stalls from now on, at least for thenight."
Bellamy nodded, as a sign that he understood. "Alright, I will tell Kane later." Lincoln and he stepped out of the box where he had brought the cow in for examination.
"You think she would take care of the maverick?" Bellamy asked, looking through the grids towards the pregnant cow which licked her stomach where Lincoln had touched it.
"I can't say for sure," Lincoln said slowly, "but the chances are good. We will have to wait and see."
"Yeah," Bellamy said quietly and just turned towards Lincoln when they both heard steps and muffled voices. Bellamy frowned. They both looked towards the entrance and seconds later a fast walking Octavia appeared, pulling a protesting Clarke after her.
"Oh Bellamy, there you are!" Said Octavia with a mix of relief and amusement and fastened her steps. Just like he could disappear any moment.
Bellamy's eyes shot from his sister towards the blonde behind her and his stomach jumped, his heart raked into the sky and even further. An itchy feeling crawled down his spine and a weak and nervous smile curved his lips because he hadn't seen Clarke after the kiss two days ago. He had tried to talk to her after he came back to the ranch yesterday but Clarke had been out with Octavia and this morning she still had been sleeping when he was in the house. So he hadn't had the chance to talk to her. Asking her how she felt about everything and if she had thought about his offer. If she thought that their kiss was a mistake … because Bellamy slowly but steadily started to believe that he shouldn't have kissed her, even though technically she had been the one who started the kiss.
He shouldn't have kissed her back. He should have ended it, telling her that this was a mistake. That they needed to talk first but just like four years ago, Bellamy gave in. He had been too weak to tear her down. It felt too good to kiss her, feeling something in his guts that on one hand freaked him out on the other it was the best feeling in the world. He was afraid. He was afraid that she would turn him down,tell him that it really had been a mistake and that she didn't want him in her life like he wanted her in his … her and Meadow. Bellamy's stomach felt sick but he pulled himself together, trying to calm his heartbeat down when Clarke gave him a shy smile before hissing something to Octavia.
Bellamy forced himself to take his eyes off of Clarke's pink cheeks and facing his sister, who just gave her boyfriend a short kiss on his cheek. "What do you want O?"
The sudden mischievous grin on Octavia's lips gave Bellamy a bad feeling. She hatched something, that was he sure of and he didn't like it. Not a bit.
"Ohhh, I don't want anything from you big brother."
"Octavia," hissed Clarke again but the brunette ignored her perfectly.
"But Clarke here wants something."
"No! No, I don't," protested Clarke quickly and shook her head. Octavia turned towards the blonde, probably giving her a warning gaze – Bellamy couldn't see because she stood with her back to him but he knew Octavia, so he didn't have to know so – and said, "Of course Clarke! You just told me that you would like to have a look around at the rest of the ranch."
Clarke sighed, "Yeah, but I –"
"Great," interrupted Octavia loudly and turned towards Bellamy again, the mischievous grin back on her lips. "So Clarke wants to take a look around and I thought you could give her a private tour. I mean, like Kane said; nobody knows this place as good as you do. You grew up here."
Bellamy frowned, already knowing what his sister was trying to. And Bellamy still didn't know if he liked the idea or not and if he should leave it or take it. "Well," he said slowly, "you grew up here as well, so why –"
"Because I have plenty of work to do," said Octavia firmly and giving him a warning look, just the same look she probably gave Clarke a few moments earlier.
Bellamy opened his mouth but Clarke was quicker. She pulled at Octavia's arm and told her to "stop it!". Her cheeks were colored in a deep red now. Then she faced Bellamy, "I am sorry Bell –" No, no his heart didn't jump at her saying his nickname, not at all. "- I didn't want to bother you. I tried to hold her back but –"
"You don't bother me," assured Bellamy her hastily, which made Clarke bite her bottom lip and God damn, he couldn't help but look at it. His heart beat faster because he remembered how he took this lip between his teeth and the delicious sound Clarke made back then. He swallowed and got snapped out his thoughts by Octavia who clapped her hands satisfied. "Perfect. And that's why you will show her around Bellamy. I mean, you have to stop at the cattle's on the south anyway, so it's killing two birds with one stone."
"You really don't have to do this," said Clarke softly when they both saddled the horses.
"I know," answered Bellamy short. "But like Octavia said, I have to check on the cattle herd in the south anyway, so I can show you around. Not that much had changed the last years though."
Clarke sent him a weak smile over the horse's back, which she barley could look over to.
"Okay … but I'm not sure if I can still ride. I haven't been on a horse's back since I was 17," explained Clarke, gazing at the horse incredulously.
Bellamy grinned. "It's just like riding a bicycle Clarke. You don't forget how to do it." He straightened the stirrup and they both lead the horses outside the stable.
"We will see about that," mumbled Clarke and put her foot on the stirrup, trying to get herself up into the saddle. But to Bellamy's amusement and her anger, she didn't make it. She tried it a second time and after her fourth try Bellamy couldn't hold back a laugh, which earned him a dark gaze from Clarke.
"Don't laugh at me Blake," nagged Clarke and demanded the horse to stand still. Bellamy rolled his eyes in amused annoyance. Of course she blamed the animal for not getting into the saddle.
But instead of helping her, Bellamy crossed his arms over his chest and kept watching. He wouldn't move a finger if she didn't ask for his help. Clarke always had been too stubborn and proud to ask any one for help, just like him.
"You know," Bellamy started, "I wanted to be back by dinner." His voice had a teasingly sound and he didn't even try to hold back the grin.
Clarke growled. "I know! If you would stop looking at me I would already be up there. You make the horse nervous," said Clarke like it was Bellamy's fault now that the horse shifted nervously.
Bellamy snorted. "Of course I do."
A few moments later Clarke's shoulders slumped and her head washanging in disappointment when she turned around and asked almost too quietly for Bellamy's help.
"Took you long enough," he said and decided not to tease her any longer so he walked over to her to give her a hand.
It was a strange feeling being so close to her again. He hovered over her, his heart beat hastily in his chest and he could smell her perfume, which almost clouded his senses. He remembered smelling it two days ago, when they were sitting at the front porch and when they kissed. Maybe his mind fooled him but he was sure that Clarke's body tensed when he reached her. Bellamy swallowed. He could easily bend down to kiss her. They both looked at each other and a strange feeling rushed through his body when he noticed that Clarke's eyes fell to his lips for a split second.
Seconds later his eyes were doing the same thing. They shot down to her lips, then back into her wonderful blue eyes. A voice inside him yelled, demanding him to just do it, to kiss her but a second, louder voice told him not to listen to the first one. That he had to talk with her first before kissing her again. That he deserved better than just being someone she could play with.
So Bellamy did what he was told to, he cleared his throat and broke the eye contact. The second voice was right, he shouldn't kiss her again, not until they hadn't talked about … them. So Bellamy folded his hands together, bend down a little so Clarke could put her foot into them and with his help she was on the horse's back in no time.
"Thank you," Clarke mumbled with pink cheeks and Bellamy mirrored her little smile, before patting the horse gently. "No problem." With that, and a wild jumping heart, Bellamy got onto his horse and they both rode south towards the cattle.
With every second Clarke sat in the saddle she became more confident, she even careered.
"Do you have to use this often?" Asked Clarke after a while of riding in a comfortable silence and pointing at the gun in its holster.
Bellamy looked from the gun to Clarke and thought about it. "Not very often. It depends."
"On what?"
"On the season and if there are any news that we have predators or thieves around here."
Clarke blinked. "You, you use them on people?"
Bellamy shrugged. "If I have to. But mostly to chase them away." He added quickly as he saw Clarke's shocked expression.
She eyed him a little while longer, like she was trying to find out if he just said it to calm her down or if it was the truth, but then she nodded softly.
Her eyes glanced over the landscape in front of her and Bellamy couldn't help but keep his eyes on her beautiful expression. Her straightened back, her blonde hair and the gentle smile on her lips. He took all these things in before Clarke's voice filled the silence again. "Are you using the gun often on animals?"
Again he thought a little before he answered. "Just when my life or the cattle's or horses' lives are in danger. I mean, I have to defend myself and the animals. I'm not killing for fun you know. Only if I have to. And even then I try to scare them away first by shooting into the air," Bellamy explained and they both rode through a few trees.
"Who is the best man with a gun? Still you?" Asked Clarke, winking at Bellamy and he felt his cheeks flush a little. He laughed. "Not anymore. Raven kills it. She is the best. But Murphy is pretty good as well."
Clarke grinned and they both looked into each other's eyes silently. Bellamy felt his heart beat wildly in its ribcage and a tingling feeling spread between them. It was nice but also crushing when the knowledge sank in that they still hadn't talked about their kiss. They both tried to avoid the subject. It wasn't that he felt uncomfortable with Clarke right now but he knew that they couldn't avoid it forever. He didn't want to. Bellamy licked his lips and opened his mouth but before he even got out a letter, Clarke said, "So maybe I have a chance to finally beat you?"
Bellamy's eyebrows quirked up sceptically. A bright grin appeared on his lips when he asked amused, "Oh really?"
Clarke nodded, her smile bigger than before.
"You really think you can beat me in shooting?"
"Of course. I mean, yeah, I haven't touched a gun for more than twelve years or so but you're losing against Raven, so I might have a chance."
Bellamy snorted loudly. He shook his head. "Losing against Raven isn't a sign that I'm this bad that even you can beat me Clarke. You had always been horrible. Do yourself a favor and don't embarrass yourself by trying to beat me and not even hitting one can at all."
The blonde made a scornful noise. "Ha, you are just too scared to lose Bellamy." Her eyes sparkled teasingly and Bellamy sighed dramatically. "Okay, as you wish Griffin. But don't say I didn't warn you."
He led them to a fire range, a three minutes ride from the main building away. They both tied the horses against a tree and Bellamy picked up and arranged the cans almost thirty meters away.
Then he grabbed the gun, released the safety catch and handed Clarke the gun.
"Ladies first," he said amused and Clarke snapped the weapon out of his hands. She rolled back her shoulder blades, her head held up high – like a real princess – and then she cleared her throat.
She positioned the gun in her hands and peeked through the gun sight but before she could pull the trigger, Bellamy cleared his throat loudly. Clarke looked up. "What?"
"You are holding it wrong Clarke."
Clarke frowned, looking back to the rifle before shifting it a little. Then she looked back through the gun sight and Bellamy rolled his eyes, coughing a "still wrong".
"Oh yeah?" Clarke asked a little annoyed and Bellamy nodded satisfied. "Yeah. Seriously Clarke, you can't even hold the gun right. You will never beat me!"
"Well, I am a little rusty, that's all," explained Clarke and they both knew that it wasn't true. But none of them said it. They both liked the teasing and the game they played. It was fun and light and just like the old days. "If you think so," mumbled Bellamy but when Clarke positioned the gun wrong for the third time Bellamy couldn't stop himself from walking behind her, grabbing one hand at the rifle and the other on her shoulder blade.
"A little higher, you have to hold it there. And this hand should be here so you have a better grip."
And then, out of nowhere, Bellamy realized how close he was. He was even closer than two hours before when he'd helped her to get on the horse. His hand still laid on her shoulder, while the other fell down from the gun to her waist. He could hear that Clarke stopped breathing, she tensed under his touch and his lips were so close to her ear. His breath became deeper and when he let out a breath through his nose he felt Clarke shivering. Bellamy licked his lips and bent down a little, hesitatingly. Then he stopped, his mouth only millimetres away from her skin, like he waited for some kind of permission. Clarke was still tense and holding her breath. His eyes flickered over her skin and at her face. He could see that her eyes were closed, her teeth buried into her bottom lip. His heart bashed loudly and he still hadn't moved. Again the voices in his head were fighting. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to touch her so badly. It was so good to feel her body under his hands again and at the same time he had never been more frustrated.
Bellamy closed his eyes. He counted the seconds – one, two, three, four – then he swallowed and stepped back without kissing her. He took his hands away from her and at the exact same second Clarke let out the breath she was holding. His heart and stomach dropped in disappointment and the heat still in his body he coughed loudly, telling Clarke that she was holding the gun right now.
Of course Clarke hadn't beaten him. She lost miserably. Twenty minutes later they stepped into the main building, Bellamy still teasing Clarke. They still hadn't talked about their kiss. They both hadn't talked about the moment at the fire range. They ignored it perfectly, pretending like it never happened.
"I have at least hit three cans. And you said I wouldn't hit one." Clarke defended herself, looking over her shoulder and Bellamy hold up both hands. "My mistake Clarke, you hit three cans … out of fifteen." Clarke stuck out her tongue, which Bellamy mirrored when a voice caught their attention.
"Look how childish the adults are these days Meadow."
Clarke and Bellamy turned their faces towards a mischievous smiling Raven who was holding the three year old in her arms.
Bellamy couldn't see but he was sure that Clarke rolled her eyes when she walked towards Raven to grab her daughter. "It's just because he is," she explained and nodded into Bellamy's direction. Raven glared at him for a few seconds and something knowingly sparkled in her eyes before she turned towards Clarke, agreeing that Bellamy could be a pain in the ass. "Must be a family thing," Raven said and winked.
Bellamy opened his mouth to protest but Raven spoke again, "Whatever. Your mom gave her to me. She and Kane head out and I have to go to the repair shop with one of the trucks so she is all yours now." She pinched the little girl's cheek and mumbled at Bellamy when she was passing by. "Have some family time Blake. I will tell Nathan to take care of your duties today."
She winked at him again but before she went out Bellamy grabbed her arm, stopping her and making a questionable face. Raven rolled her eyes in annoyance. Like she couldn't believe that he didn't get it. Without looking at Clarke she mumbled, "They will leave within two or three days Bellamy. If you want to make a move you should do it now. So you are off for today. Spend some time with these girls and maybe you can be a happy family in the long haul." She disappeared then, leaving a nervous Bellamy behind.
The cowboy looked after his former one night stand and swallowed. He hadn't thought about it but now that Raven mentioned it - the Griffins would leave by Sunday at the latest. Today was Thursday. If he wanted to do something he should hurry up. And doing something meant that he and Clarke really had to talk. But not when Meadow was with them. But tonight. Tonight he would confront her, at least that was what he was planning to do. He gave himself three more seconds before he turned around, smiling towards the two blondes and his stomach twisted at their sight.
"So, what do you want to do now?" He asked playfully and tried to tell himself that he shouldn't enjoy the next few hours overly because it wouldn't be real, it wouldn't be what he wanted it to be. No matter how much he wanted to have it. He told himself that Meadow, Clarke and him weren't a family, which they probably never would be …
He shouldn't have enjoyed it as much as he did. It felt so natural and real. Like they have always been together and around each other. Like they were a family and not only pretended to be. They spent the rest of the day together and it was an overwhelming feeling which stuck in Bellamy's stomach ever since. Clarke and he had played with Meadow. He had shown her the maverick and put her on a pony's back so she could ride a little. While he looked out that Meadow wouldn't fall down, Clarke had leaned against a fence watching them with a soft smile on her lips. Bellamy showed Meadow the tractor and she helped him feed the cattle.
Everything felt perfectly in its place. Clarke and Bellamy worked perfectly hand in hand and Meadow was always smiling. It was nice to have them around and it amazed and scared him at the same time because it made everything even more complicated and harder for him. He still didn't know what Clarke was thinking and her behavior didn't make it easier. In the one moment he was so sure that she would stay, that she would give them a chance – no matter how ridiculous it still sounded because they barely knew each other – and in the following moment his heart tightened painfully because he knew that she would leave him. Mostly Bellamy tried to push all these thoughts and worries aside and tried just to enjoy the moment.
Just like now – the three of them sat around a little bonfire Bellamy had made. It was near the main building but also slightly hidden so you couldn't instantly see them when you got into the backyard. Bellamy asked Clarke if she would like to eat dinner outside and so instead of joining the other's in the kitchen, Bellamy, Clarke and Meadow sat outside and had eaten. Meadow had never been at a bonfire or ate bread stick so her eyes had been wide and shiny when her tiny fingers were wrapped around the stick, while holding it into the flames. After she finished her bread she picked up little twigs and threw them into the fire. Sometimes, when the twigs broke loudly, Meadow squeaked and ran into her mother's arms, which made the adults laugh. Clarke and Bellamy didn't talk much during the dinner and even when they finished they mostly watched Meadow or spoke with her. But it was a comfortable silence.
After an hour at the fire place, Meadow yawned loudly and snuggled into her mother's body, her eyes fluttering close.
"Oh is someone tired?" Clarke asked her daughter softly, who shook her head but at the same time another yawn left her mouth.
"I think there is," grinned Bellamy and Clarke glanced over. "Yeah, I think so too. I will bring her to bed." With that Clarke got up, shifting her daughter in her arms. Bellamy bit his bottom lip before stopping Clarke from leaving.
"May, may I?"
The blonde frowned, looking down at him. "May you what?"
Bellamy's heart jumped, his stomach twisted and his palms were sweaty. His throat tightened and he needed some time to find his voice. "May I bring her to bed?" With every letter that left his mouth his heartbeat sped up. He didn't know if he crossed a line with this request. He also didn't know why he had asked. It was just that he knew that, even if Clarke and Meadow would disappear out of his life again, he wanted to know how it would feel like putting her to bed. And maybe it would be a mistake after all because it would be a one-time thing but somewhere inside him he felt the urge to do so. He wanted to know how it felt like.
Clarke blinked. He could see how she hesitated. She would thank him but still say no. He just knew it. He crossed the line. It wasn't his business after all. Clarke bit her inner cheek, her eyes gazing from his pleading face – yeah, he was pleading and he didn't care – towards her half sleeping daughter, before she nodded. "Yeah, okay."
Bellamy's heart jumped out of joy and a hot wave of excitement rushed through his veins and a thankful smile appeared on his face. He got up and within two steps he stood in front of Clarke who handed him her daughter carefully. Bellamy swallowed when the small, tired girl fully weighted in his arms. His eyes flew across the relaxed face in awe before he smiled at Clarke who looked at him with a mixture of pain, happiness and a little worry.
"Thank you," mumbled Bellamy and the blonde forced her lips into a smile. Her eyes seemed to get wet and she started to chew on her bottom lip. Bellamy's eyes scanned her expression a little while longer before Clarke told him he shouldn't forget to leave the little light on near the door and to make sure Meadow had her stuffed animal.
"Okay," nodded Bellamy softly, "I'll be back in a few minutes." The he left the blonde and walked towards the main building. When he closed the door behind him, Bellamy changed Meadow into her pyjama, leaving her underwear on. It would be weird for him to take off her clothes completely when he wasn't much more than a stranger to the girl, technically. So he took off her little shoes and socks while Meadow's eyes were fluttering up and down again and a yawn filled the room. Bellamy grinned. When he finished he put her down into the mattress as gently as he could.
He tucked the blanket over the little body and stuck the stuffed animal – a giraffe – right next to it. Then Bellamy remained where he was. He didn't leave the room immediately. Instead his eyes flickered over the sleeping figure and his heart went heavy again. He sighed silently and scratched his stubbled cheek, chewing his bottom lip just like Clarke did a few minutes before, while his mind run deep. He swallowed, then he made the decision and bent down to give Meadow a kiss on her little cheek.
"Sleep well princess," he whispered with a soft and raspy voice. His throat was glued together, so he forced himself to leave – before it would get worse. Before he left the room he looked back at the little version of Clarke and switched on the light by the door. When he went out he knew how screwed he was because he painfully had to admit it to himself that he was more than so damn ready to be a father.
Before walking back to the bonfire, Bellamy stopped by the kitchen and grabbed two beers and sneaked out a big blanket from a carpet in the hall. When he returned to Clarke she looked absently into the flames and winced a little when he held out the beer. An amused smile appeared on his lips because seriously, no one was as jumpy as Clarke. She thanked him and grabbed the beer and while Bellamy sat down next to her she eyed the blanket sceptically.
"In case we get cold," Bellamy explained and opened his bottle. Her mouth formed a silent "Ah" before she asked if everything went okay with Meadow.
"Oh yeah, she was already half asleep when we get into the room," Bellamy explained amused, "and the second she was covered by the blanket she fell asleep. She is really easy to take care of."
The woman next to him snorted. "Not always Bellamy. You should try to make her sleep when it's her birthday or the day before Christmas. She can really be a handful."
"Just like her mother," the cowboy teased lowly, while bringing the bottle to his lips, grinning into the fire.
"Hey, that is not true!" Protested Clarke and punched his shoulder while he gulped his beer and nearly choked on it.
They both grinned at each other playfully, then he turned back to the fire, his heart beating heavily in his chest again.
Out of the corner of his eyes he could see how Clarke was watching him a little longer before looking into the flames as well.
A long silence stretched out between them and his heart beat so hard and loud that Bellamy was afraid that Clarke would hear it. He licked his lips, he still hadn't talked to her. They both were avoiding the subject the whole time now, though Bellamy knew that the longer he waited, the harder it would get. And when the Griffins once left, he wouldn't get his anymore. Then he would have to live with his actions, or the lack of them.
But Bellamy was still scared to hear Clarke telling him no. Even if he knew that they didn't love each other and even if he knew that she had no reason to stay because he wasn't Meadow's father, Bellamy didn't want them to leave.
So he took another sip before breaking the silence. He opened his mouth but instead of confronting her he said, "Lincoln has asked me for the permission to marry Octavia."
Coward, a loud voice yelled angry inside his head. He was a real coward. Bellamy mentally slapped himself but it was already too late. Now Lincoln and Octavia were the subject because Clarke gasped before squealing loudly. "Oh wow, that is wonderful."
Bellamy nodded in agreement, "Yeah it is."
The blonde grinned like Christmas day came earlier this year. "Wow, I can't believe it. When will he ask her?"
"I don't know honestly. He hadn't told me." Bellamy shrugged with his shoulders. "But I think he won't wait too long."
"Sweet," sighed Clarke and drank from her bottle of beer. "Well, then it looks like that we will see each other again soon, huh?"
She bumped her shoulder against his and Bellamy forced himself into a weak smile, while turning the bottle back and forth in his hands. "Seems like it, yeah."
This time the silence was unbearable. They both looked at their hands, probably thinking about the exact same thing. Bellamy emptied his beer within two more gulps and scratched the back of his neck before a soft sigh caught his attention. He turned his face and saw Clarke looking into the sky.
"What?" Asked Bellamy softly and Clarke closed her eyes, shaking her head before sighing again.
"I don't know. It's just … I'm really happy with my life, you know? I have a wonderful daughter and I'm my own boss. I know that, I know that I don't need a man to identify myself. Or to feel worthy. I don't need a guy to make it through life. I can do whatever the hell I want, well, almost. But I don't have to justify myself in front of anybody. It's nice to be independent and I don't need someone in my bed to sleep well. I don't need someone who looks out for me, but …"
She bit her inner cheek, when she stopped. Bellamy eyed her closely, recognizing that her breath got heavier, her voice sounded like her throat was glued together. Then she looked right into his eyes, breathing out loudly before looking back into the nowhere.
"Just because I don't need a man in my life it doesn't mean I don't want to have one. I, I haven't wanted anyone in my life for a very long time but … but now I want all these things again … I don't want to be alone anymore."
Bellamy's heart jumped so hard that he could feel it in his throat and hear it in his ears. Her voice was soft, shaky – insecure. His eyes flickered over her expression and a period of silence followed her words before Bellamy whispered with a raspy, deep voice. "You don't have to be."
Clarke laughed softly. She shook her head, her eyes still glued to the fire. "No, I don't … and I don't want to anymore." Then she faced him, looking right into his eyes. A hot shiver ran down his spine. He didn't even realize that he was holding his breath. His eyes flickered over Clarke's face. He hesitated, not sure if he should listen to his heart or to the voice in his head. He got lost into her blue eyes, then he moved … and grabbed her hand gently, and squeezed it softly.
The corner of Clarke's lips twitched up in return and he saw how she glanced down to their intertwined hands and back into his eyes, but not without resting on his mouth for a second too long. Bellamy caressed his thumb over her skin in small circles.
"I am tired of being alone." Whispered Clarke and her eyes filled up with tears. Bellamy stayed silent. He just watched her closely before he buried his free hand into her blonde curls, leant forward and pulled her lips slowly and softly against his own. The muffled sound from the back of Clarke's throat rolled right into his bones. Her lips were smooth and he could taste the beer she had been drinking. Bellamy tightened his grasp a little, moving her head slightly aside so he had better access. At the same time, Clarke put her fingers on his cheek, while the other one was still intertwined with his. The kiss was slow, almost shy. They both took all the time in the world and none of them had any intention of deepening the kiss with their tongues. Bellamy heard Clarke swallow, while he took a deep breath through his nose, scenting her perfume and just like at the fire range it indulged his senses.
His hands started to move admiringly down at the small of her back. Without breaking the kiss Clarke climbed into his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and pushed herself further into him. A deep and husky sound was let out of the back of Bellamy's throat. His heart raked like a roller coaster and he felt how her fingers wandered along his neck, over his cheeks to his shoulders and his chest in sweet movements. Just to do it all over again the other way round.
They kissed each other so innocently for a very long time. Then Clarke pulled away, breaking their lips apart and Bellamy let out a whining noise, chasing her lips with his mouth because he didn't want them to stop so soon. He didn't want to go back to the reality, not this early.
"Don't stop," Bellamy begged quietly and he had closed his eyes with a painful facial expression.
A second later he felt Clarke's forehead against his and how her warm breath ran over his skin, giving him chills. They breathed in loudly and looked at each other. Bellamy smiled weakly, raising his hand and pushing absently a strand of blonde hair out of Clarke's face. She returned his smile and that was all it took to let Bellamy lean forward and capture her bottom lip between his teeth, pulling her into a new kiss.
This time he didn't waste time and pushed the tip of his tongue against her lips, asking for entrance. He had barely finished the stroke over her lips when Clarke already let him in. With full awareness Bellamy slipped his tongue into Clarke's mouth and touched hers. He pressed his hands harder against her body and Clarke's fingers rushed through his hair, her nails scratching his scalp almost a little too hard.
Bellamy moved his mouth faster and harder over Clarke's with every second she sat in his lap and their lips were touching. He felt the blood rush through his body down towards his pelvis. Without realizing his one hand fumbled with the hem of her shirt, his fingertips sneaking under the fabric to touch her skin.
With a giggle Clarke pulled away, grinning with flushed cheeks like a teenager. His heart was swollen with joy and somehow with pride. He mirrored her wide grin, which faded immediately when he saw Clarke chewing her bottom lip again.
Panic rose in his chest because every time Clarke bit her lips nothing good followed. He swallowed and began to speak – not that Clarke came up with the idea that this had been a mistake or tried to avoid him again. They still had to talk about this shit after all!
"Remember I have told you I don't want to force you into anything?" She nodded.
"Well, I still mean it but, man Clarke! We really have to talk about this." He emphasized the last word as underlining that he meant the two of them.
He saw Clarke opening her mouth, taking a deep breath but instead of answering him, she sighed loudly and something sad settled into her gaze.
His stomach dropped, his heart clenched together and his throat went dry. At the same time a tickling feeling spread through his body because Clarke's fingers touched his nape and played with the curls on the end of his hair. Her eyes went fuzzy and she mumbled a soft and almost bitter, "I know Bell." She was so quiet that Bellamy wasn't sure if she had said anything at all.
"But I don't know what this is."
"And neither do I," Bellamy interrupted her quickly and ruffled his hair with one hand before dropping it back on Clarke's hip.
"And I know, I know that I am not Meadow's father," said Bellamy further, a stabbing pain in his chest and not noticing Clarke's sharp inhale. "And I know that we don't know each other anymore and that's why it sounds so crazy and like a bad rom-com but having you two around here the past few days was nice. More than nice actually. I … somewhere between your father's death and visiting you in Ohio made me realize how important you are to me … that I was feeling something for you. And I don't use the word love because loving someone is so much more complex and different. You have to know the other inside out and we clearly don't do this anymore." Something sad swung with his last words and Bellamy paused, thinking what exactly he wanted to tell Clarke and especially how he wanted to let her know.
He licked his lips and cupped her face gently with his hands.
"I really like you Clarke. I care for you and it just feels right every time when I spend time with Meadow, every time I look at you – or kiss you. Maybe it doesn't work out, maybe we've changed too much during the years but I am willing to give us a chance. I want to try it. I want to be Meadow's dad. I, I want to be the guy you talk about your problems with. I want to be the man on whose shoulder you can cry on and I would really love to fall asleep and wake up right next to you. And I have absolutely no idea how we want to do this, seriously, absolutely none. But we will figure-something-out."
His eyes were locked down with hers. His voice and his gaze had gotten even more intense the more he had spoken. Like he wanted to make sure that Clarke got every letter of his words. That she got how serious he was about this and that he didn't know what to do now, probably just like her.
Tears pooled into Clarke's eyes and she swallowed hard, one, two – three times before letting out a shaky breath. Then she leaned forward to put a hard but lovely kiss on his mouth. Just like she was trying to tell him how touched she was by his words and that this was what she really needed to hear but she couldn't say it with words.
Her lips were pressed on his for a few seconds before she slightly pulled away, her voice choking with the tears in her eyes, "Can we figure it out later?"
Bellamy didn't know why but a smile appeared on his lips and he nodded a "whenever you are ready" before pulling her down into another kiss.
