#sitcom advice

[sitcomadvice-blog]

SORRY FOR BEING GONE

Dear Reader(s),

Tumblr stopped notifying me of new messages in my inbox (or it never notified me and I just forgot to check). Either way, I plan to be BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER. Or back at least.

So, look forward to me answering questions that were sent in who knows when! Definitely not me!

I have one that was probably sent like last november because it is about christmas presents (strap in, that one is going to be some GOOD ADVICE).

[sitcomadvice-blog]

My girlfriend has a dog that she loves with her whole heart, but I really don't like animals. In fact, it really stresses me out to be around them! How can I either learn to like being around her dog, or figure out an easier way to be away from the dog while we're both in the house?

Dear Puppy Lover Lover

To learn to like the dog, you must become a dog yourself. Or at least act like one!  Your problem with the dog is really that you can’t understand its way of being in the world. The only solution here is for you to experience life as a dog, for some time.  So, I recommend that you get yourself a dog costume, a bone to chew on, and start licking strangers in the face.

Communicate through growls and barks, eat your breakfast out of a bowl on the ground.

Important note: this sort of plan only works if you throw your whole heart in it.  I don’t care if your friends come over, your boss, hell, even the mayor. Regardless of what happens, you must remain committed to the role of dog.

Once you’ve walked a mile in the dog’s paws, you’ll have a newfound appreciation of how doggone great it can be to have a furry companion.  And if you’re lucky, your girlfriend may just give you a few extra belly rubs when the whole ordeal is over.

[sitcomadvice-blog]

My cat is being a jerk. What can I do about it?

Dear Cat Always Get What You Want,

Cats are extremely sensitive to all sorts of emotional and environmental conditions that you wouldn’t expect.  Fortunately, I am here to explain that your cat is being a jerk because of either the textures in your home, or, emotional issues.

So, we need to tackle both possibilities.  First, you need to re-apholster all your furniture with corduroy, because cats love corduroy and shag carpeting. Cats love fun textures, and it will make your cat much happier.

Your clothes too. Basically, you should wear only corduroy for the duration.

Secondly, you need a pet therapist. Except, good pet therapists are hard to find, so what you need is a book that will teach you how to be a pet therapist.  Probably like, “Pet Therapy for Dummies” or maybe like, “Learn to be a Pet Therapist in 10 easy steps”.

Then, you need to really dig deep into your cat’s personal history. Re-enact some early scenes from your cat’s childhood. Maybe simulate some cat-equivalents of crucial coming-of-age experiences.  Basically, you want to figure out how to re-enact the cat equivalent of the first day of school.

By re-enacting your cat’s early life, you’ll come to understand your cat’s perspective.  You might even find yourself embracing a more feline outlook on life.  And this will help you bond with your cat!

The two of you will be joyfully playing around on that corduroy furniture and shag carpeting in no time!

[sitcomadvice-blog]

Hi, I have to go take out the trash before tomorrow morning or else it won't get picked up, but I'm already in bed and so comfortable. What should I do?

Dear Too Comfy for Chores,

I cannot help you with your problem this evening, and of course, you sent this like a week ago, so obviously I can’t help you in the past. But! I can help you in the future.

Did you know that a famous psychologist proved that you can train dogs? His name was Pavlov, and he proved that if you ring a bell after you show a dog what thing to do, your dog will eventually do the thing you want them to do, when you ring the bell.

So:

Ring bell.

Help dog take trash outside.

Ring bell.

Help dog take trash outside.

Repeat this process about a hundred times.

Important: Keep a bell next to your bed.

Next time you are in this situation: ring the bell! And watch your faithfully trained companion take care of the trash removal for you!

Yay for dogs, and for science!

[sitcomadvice-blog]

One of my coworkers literally shushes me. What do I do?

Dear Loud and Proud,

THE NERVE!  I cannot believe you have a co-worker who would shush you.  It is almost as if they are treating you like a small child.

And of course, that means you need to teach them a lesson by committing to the part.

Each day you go into work, you need to act incrementally more like a 4 year old child.

Start by getting a bit louder around this coworker. Then swap out more adult language for words like “poopy” or “doodoo head.”

If they ask to borrow your stapler, stomp your foot and say “I don’t WANNA share!”

Relate everything in conversation with this coworker to an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

Start asking them permission to go to the bathroom, like they are your mom or a babysitter.

Bring a blankie with you to the office.

Spill things on them, then begin crying.

Insist that they read you a story before leaving your office.

Eventually, this coworker will realize how absurd it is to treat a grown person like a child, and will stop shushing you.

[sitcomadvice-blog]

How can I convince my husband to buy me a sewing machine?

Dear Reap what you Sew,

You need to incept your husband.

We all know that husbands are the worst when it comes to communication.  Too busy watching the sports game or buried in papers falling out of the briefcase they bring home from their job at some non-specific business, or I don’t know, maybe they are an architect.  The point is, you can try to explain that you need to buy a sewing machine till you are blue in the face, and all they’re going to hear is that noise that the adults make in Charlie Brown cartoons.

So, what you need to do is plant the idea in his head while he sleeps.  Imagine it: he’s laying in bed, audibly snoring, and this is the time of day when he’s not distracted by who dropped a football on whatever yard line or how many files Mr. Ferguson needs by Friday.  Instead, he is simply dreaming of pleasant things.  Time with you, perhaps? A sandwich so large that it couldn’t possibly fit into his mouth?  Maybe he’s just making the same cute motions that dogs do when they dream.

For this phase of the plan, you will need:

One pair of old school headphones.  Ideally the kind that have the fuzzy soft-styrofoam stuff all the way around the outside and sit on top of the ears.

A pre-recorded tape (or if you insist on being more modern, an mp3 track or whatever) about the virtues of having a wife with a sewing machine.

The appropriate device to play the tape or MP3.

Important note: Make sure you do not accidentally leave the recording going while you talk to your sister or friend on the phone. The results of a tape containing idle chit-chat could be disastrous!

Next, you need to leave some opportunities for him to put this idea into motion:

Leave some Sears catalogues lying around that feature sewing machines prominently.

Take some scissors to his favorite articles of clothing (note: make sure you do so in such a way that you can actually fix the articles of clothing.  If he suggests taking them to a tailor, make up an absurd reason for not being able to go to that tailor.  Maybe tell him that they made a racist remark about Italians last time you were there.  Or perhaps you heard that they use chemicals that aren’t eco-friendly. It doesn’t matter what lie you make up! Just make sure that his favorite clothes will stay ruined until you have a chance to fix them!

When you floss, make sure that you interact with the floss as much like a needle and thread as possible, in view of your husband.  Serve him breakfast in the shape of a sewing machine.  Anything to trigger his new positive associations with sewing machines.

Finally: have a birthday or an anniversary.  This will give your husband the opportunity to “surprise” you with the sewing machine you’ve always wanted.

And to think, some people say it’s hard to make a marriage work!

[sitcomadvice-blog]

My father has taken to feeding his neighbor’s cat. Without the neighbor’s permission or knowledge. The cat spends most of its time hanging around my father’s house. The cat often tried to enter the house but is not allowed to do so, as my mother is allergic. The neighbor is presumably also feeding the cat. I have told my father the cat is getting too much food and may die as a result. My father thinks the cat will stop eating when it has had enough food. What to do?

Dear Cat Win ‘Em All,

This is a big problem in your dad’s behavior. And big problems call for big lessons.

In order to address this behavior of your father’s you will need to acquire a cat paralytic or sedative.  Sneak into a vet’s office (borrow someone’s pet to bring with you or they might get suspicious), and when you are left alone in the vet’s office, steal some tranquilizers or cat anesthetic, or what have you. Ideally, it will be in liquid form, so you can lace the food your dad is leaving out with it.  

When you get home, and your father has put the food out for the cat, you need to dose it with the medicine.  To be on the safe side, use about four or five times the dose recommended. If you don’t know the proper dose, eyeball it.

In the days leading up to this, make sure you mention to your dad, with increasing frequency, the possibility of cat-death from over-eating.  That way, when your dad walks out and sees the (seemingly) lifeless cat laying at the bowl of food he left out, he’ll immediately realize the error of his ways.

Even if/when the cat wakes up, your dad will still recall the shock from thinking he killed the cat, and will hopefully reform his behavior forever!

[sitcomadvice-blog]

We're invited to a friend's house and I agreed to make cookies. What should I do?

Dear Party People,

So glad you contacted me about this.  Obviously, your goal is to win at attending the party, and victory as a party attendee means that everyone raves about the item that you brought.

You need to track down the fabled $250 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe, make those cookies, and never share the secret of your perfect cookies with anyone.

Step 1: You need to infiltrate the Neiman Marcus corporate headquarters. The easiest way to do this would be to get an assumed identity as someone who might want to invest, or open a franchise, or do some sort of big business deal with them.

Step 2: One of you will be posing as the important investor, while the other is posing as an assistant.  The assistant needs to fake a momentary illness and excuse themselves.  While the person posing as an investor needs to keep the higher-ups occupied long enough for the assistant to locate the Neiman Marcus document vault.

Step 3: Sweet talk the vault guard, and convince them to let you into the vault.  Ideally, this would be done by hinting heavily that you will make out with them if they let you into the vault, but any other method of deception will work just as well.

Step 4: People will be getting suspicious about why your assistant has been gone for so long, so you’ll need to spill something to keep them focused on you.

Step 5: Make increasingly unreasonable demands, but not so unreasonable that they ever just give up on you.

Step 6: When your assistant re-appears with the recipe, act very offended by something they said or did and storm off.

Step 7: Bake those Neiman Marcus cookies.

Step 8: The Neiman Marcus recipe is actually not that great.  So, instead, go buy some cookies from a local store, and put them on a platter like their homemade.

Step 9: If anyone asks about the cookies, just wink and say, “A Chef has to have their secrets.”

You’ll be the star of the party in no time!