Ask a Sitcom Character

A "Zany" Advice Column

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SORRY FOR BEING GONE

Dear Reader(s),

Tumblr stopped notifying me of new messages in my inbox (or it never notified me and I just forgot to check). Either way, I plan to be BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER. Or back at least.

So, look forward to me answering questions that were sent in who knows when! Definitely not me!

I have one that was probably sent like last november because it is about christmas presents (strap in, that one is going to be some GOOD ADVICE).

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My girlfriend has a dog that she loves with her whole heart, but I really don't like animals. In fact, it really stresses me out to be around them! How can I either learn to like being around her dog, or figure out an easier way to be away from the dog while we're both in the house?

Dear Puppy Lover Lover

To learn to like the dog, you must become a dog yourself. Or at least act like one!  Your problem with the dog is really that you can’t understand its way of being in the world. The only solution here is for you to experience life as a dog, for some time.  So, I recommend that you get yourself a dog costume, a bone to chew on, and start licking strangers in the face.

Communicate through growls and barks, eat your breakfast out of a bowl on the ground.

Important note: this sort of plan only works if you throw your whole heart in it.  I don’t care if your friends come over, your boss, hell, even the mayor. Regardless of what happens, you must remain committed to the role of dog.

Once you’ve walked a mile in the dog’s paws, you’ll have a newfound appreciation of how doggone great it can be to have a furry companion.  And if you’re lucky, your girlfriend may just give you a few extra belly rubs when the whole ordeal is over.

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My cat is being a jerk. What can I do about it?

Dear Cat Always Get What You Want,

Cats are extremely sensitive to all sorts of emotional and environmental conditions that you wouldn’t expect.  Fortunately, I am here to explain that your cat is being a jerk because of either the textures in your home, or, emotional issues.

So, we need to tackle both possibilities.  First, you need to re-apholster all your furniture with corduroy, because cats love corduroy and shag carpeting. Cats love fun textures, and it will make your cat much happier.

Your clothes too. Basically, you should wear only corduroy for the duration.

Secondly, you need a pet therapist. Except, good pet therapists are hard to find, so what you need is a book that will teach you how to be a pet therapist.  Probably like, “Pet Therapy for Dummies” or maybe like, “Learn to be a Pet Therapist in 10 easy steps”.

Then, you need to really dig deep into your cat’s personal history. Re-enact some early scenes from your cat’s childhood. Maybe simulate some cat-equivalents of crucial coming-of-age experiences.  Basically, you want to figure out how to re-enact the cat equivalent of the first day of school.

By re-enacting your cat’s early life, you’ll come to understand your cat’s perspective.  You might even find yourself embracing a more feline outlook on life.  And this will help you bond with your cat!

The two of you will be joyfully playing around on that corduroy furniture and shag carpeting in no time!

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Hi, I have to go take out the trash before tomorrow morning or else it won't get picked up, but I'm already in bed and so comfortable. What should I do?

Dear Too Comfy for Chores,

I cannot help you with your problem this evening, and of course, you sent this like a week ago, so obviously I can’t help you in the past. But! I can help you in the future.

Did you know that a famous psychologist proved that you can train dogs? His name was Pavlov, and he proved that if you ring a bell after you show a dog what thing to do, your dog will eventually do the thing you want them to do, when you ring the bell.

So:

Ring bell.

Help dog take trash outside.

Ring bell.

Help dog take trash outside.

Repeat this process about a hundred times.

Important: Keep a bell next to your bed.

Next time you are in this situation: ring the bell! And watch your faithfully trained companion take care of the trash removal for you!

Yay for dogs, and for science!

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One of my coworkers literally shushes me. What do I do?

Dear Loud and Proud,

THE NERVE!  I cannot believe you have a co-worker who would shush you.  It is almost as if they are treating you like a small child.

And of course, that means you need to teach them a lesson by committing to the part.

Each day you go into work, you need to act incrementally more like a 4 year old child.

Start by getting a bit louder around this coworker. Then swap out more adult language for words like “poopy” or “doodoo head.”

If they ask to borrow your stapler, stomp your foot and say “I don’t WANNA share!”

Relate everything in conversation with this coworker to an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

Start asking them permission to go to the bathroom, like they are your mom or a babysitter.

Bring a blankie with you to the office.

Spill things on them, then begin crying.

Insist that they read you a story before leaving your office.

Eventually, this coworker will realize how absurd it is to treat a grown person like a child, and will stop shushing you.

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How can I convince my husband to buy me a sewing machine?

Dear Reap what you Sew,

You need to incept your husband.

We all know that husbands are the worst when it comes to communication.  Too busy watching the sports game or buried in papers falling out of the briefcase they bring home from their job at some non-specific business, or I don’t know, maybe they are an architect.  The point is, you can try to explain that you need to buy a sewing machine till you are blue in the face, and all they’re going to hear is that noise that the adults make in Charlie Brown cartoons.

So, what you need to do is plant the idea in his head while he sleeps.  Imagine it: he’s laying in bed, audibly snoring, and this is the time of day when he’s not distracted by who dropped a football on whatever yard line or how many files Mr. Ferguson needs by Friday.  Instead, he is simply dreaming of pleasant things.  Time with you, perhaps? A sandwich so large that it couldn’t possibly fit into his mouth?  Maybe he’s just making the same cute motions that dogs do when they dream.

For this phase of the plan, you will need:

One pair of old school headphones.  Ideally the kind that have the fuzzy soft-styrofoam stuff all the way around the outside and sit on top of the ears.

A pre-recorded tape (or if you insist on being more modern, an mp3 track or whatever) about the virtues of having a wife with a sewing machine.

The appropriate device to play the tape or MP3.

Important note: Make sure you do not accidentally leave the recording going while you talk to your sister or friend on the phone. The results of a tape containing idle chit-chat could be disastrous!

Next, you need to leave some opportunities for him to put this idea into motion:

Leave some Sears catalogues lying around that feature sewing machines prominently.

Take some scissors to his favorite articles of clothing (note: make sure you do so in such a way that you can actually fix the articles of clothing.  If he suggests taking them to a tailor, make up an absurd reason for not being able to go to that tailor.  Maybe tell him that they made a racist remark about Italians last time you were there.  Or perhaps you heard that they use chemicals that aren’t eco-friendly. It doesn’t matter what lie you make up! Just make sure that his favorite clothes will stay ruined until you have a chance to fix them!

When you floss, make sure that you interact with the floss as much like a needle and thread as possible, in view of your husband.  Serve him breakfast in the shape of a sewing machine.  Anything to trigger his new positive associations with sewing machines.

Finally: have a birthday or an anniversary.  This will give your husband the opportunity to “surprise” you with the sewing machine you’ve always wanted.

And to think, some people say it’s hard to make a marriage work!

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My father has taken to feeding his neighbor’s cat. Without the neighbor’s permission or knowledge. The cat spends most of its time hanging around my father’s house. The cat often tried to enter the house but is not allowed to do so, as my mother is allergic. The neighbor is presumably also feeding the cat. I have told my father the cat is getting too much food and may die as a result. My father thinks the cat will stop eating when it has had enough food. What to do?

Dear Cat Win ‘Em All,

This is a big problem in your dad’s behavior. And big problems call for big lessons.

In order to address this behavior of your father’s you will need to acquire a cat paralytic or sedative.  Sneak into a vet’s office (borrow someone’s pet to bring with you or they might get suspicious), and when you are left alone in the vet’s office, steal some tranquilizers or cat anesthetic, or what have you. Ideally, it will be in liquid form, so you can lace the food your dad is leaving out with it.  

When you get home, and your father has put the food out for the cat, you need to dose it with the medicine.  To be on the safe side, use about four or five times the dose recommended. If you don’t know the proper dose, eyeball it.

In the days leading up to this, make sure you mention to your dad, with increasing frequency, the possibility of cat-death from over-eating.  That way, when your dad walks out and sees the (seemingly) lifeless cat laying at the bowl of food he left out, he’ll immediately realize the error of his ways.

Even if/when the cat wakes up, your dad will still recall the shock from thinking he killed the cat, and will hopefully reform his behavior forever!

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We're invited to a friend's house and I agreed to make cookies. What should I do?

Dear Party People,

So glad you contacted me about this.  Obviously, your goal is to win at attending the party, and victory as a party attendee means that everyone raves about the item that you brought.

You need to track down the fabled $250 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe, make those cookies, and never share the secret of your perfect cookies with anyone.

Step 1: You need to infiltrate the Neiman Marcus corporate headquarters. The easiest way to do this would be to get an assumed identity as someone who might want to invest, or open a franchise, or do some sort of big business deal with them.

Step 2: One of you will be posing as the important investor, while the other is posing as an assistant.  The assistant needs to fake a momentary illness and excuse themselves.  While the person posing as an investor needs to keep the higher-ups occupied long enough for the assistant to locate the Neiman Marcus document vault.

Step 3: Sweet talk the vault guard, and convince them to let you into the vault.  Ideally, this would be done by hinting heavily that you will make out with them if they let you into the vault, but any other method of deception will work just as well.

Step 4: People will be getting suspicious about why your assistant has been gone for so long, so you’ll need to spill something to keep them focused on you.

Step 5: Make increasingly unreasonable demands, but not so unreasonable that they ever just give up on you.

Step 6: When your assistant re-appears with the recipe, act very offended by something they said or did and storm off.

Step 7: Bake those Neiman Marcus cookies.

Step 8: The Neiman Marcus recipe is actually not that great.  So, instead, go buy some cookies from a local store, and put them on a platter like their homemade.

Step 9: If anyone asks about the cookies, just wink and say, “A Chef has to have their secrets.”

You’ll be the star of the party in no time!

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Okay so here's the problem... I asked my neighbor Sally out on a date on Friday night to our favorite pizza place. But then Jennifer (THE CUTEST GIRL IN SCHOOL!), said she wanted me to take her to the fancy restaurant across the street on the same night! What should I do!?

Dear Double Dater,

While this is going to sound incredibly zany, I think it is the only course available to you.

Explain your scheduling error to Jennifer. Tell her that you would very much like to take her on a date, but already have plans that night.

I know that plan has a lot of moving parts, but hopefully you can get it working.

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Hi! I current live in a different state from my boyfriend. It's about a ten hour drive. How can I make sure he isn't cheating on me? -Worried guy in New York.

Dear WGNY,

I am so very glad you brought your relationship worry to me.  It is widely known the the key to resolving any relationship conflict is the nanny cam.

First, you need to surprise your boyfriend with a romantic visit.  And I mean, you need to go to full nines on this one.  Show up at his place with flowers, candy, scented candles, and, the coup d’grace, as a symbol of your love, a teddy bear holding a heart that ways “I WUV YOU”.

The romantic elements of your date might feel a bit forced, given your ulterior motives, but don’t fret about that. If it seems awkward, just act more more attached and loving than ever.  Basically, you need to make sure he feels the full oppressive weight of your love.

Next, you need to very, very, subtly get him to promise to leave the bear out on his dresser or nightstand at all times.  He needs to explicitly promise this, or else, you obviously can’t trust him to leave it out.

Let me explain to you about relationships and trust, briefly.  The fact is, absence makes the heart wander.  If your long distance relationship is going to survive, you can’t just fuel it on hope and the chance that no one is making a move on your man.  So, you shouldn’t just install the teddy-cam and monitor it. You need proof that your boyfriend wouldn’t cheat on you, even when faced with temptation.

This is where your hot-friend-who-lives-in-the-same-town-as-your-boyfriend-but-hasn’t-ever-met-him-before comes in.  You need this hot friend to just throw himself at your boyfriend.  If your boyfriend can withstand the temptation of his attempts at a dalliance, then you know you have a keeper.

Word of warning: if a piece of clothing gets inadvertently thrown over the teddy-cam, and you can only hear the conversation that is being had, you should hop in the car and just drive there straight away, because there is no possibility that you might be misunderstanding the situation by judging it just from out of context conversation snippets you hear going on.

Love conquers all, my friend.

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I have to attend a conference on the other side of the country on the same day as my anniversary. What should I do?

Dear Work/Life Imbalance,

This is quite the conundrum.  However, do not panic, there is a perfectly good way for you to solve this problem.

Identify an unemployed friend of yours.  Maybe they are a former roommate who still crashes on your couch periodically.  Maybe it is a friend from college who could never really stick with a job. Maybe it is a neighbor who you hardly know.  The main thing is that it has to be someone who has no idea what you do, or any background in the area for the conference.

Now obviously, your spouse or partner would know if you were sending a substitute on your anniversary plans, so what you’ll need to do is give this unemployed friend of yours a week, or afternoon of lessons (enough for a montage, at any rate) of how to pass for you at the conference.

They should wear clothing that matches your clothes in style. They should get their hair done like your hair.  They should work on capturing anything distinctive about your voice, demeanor, and manner of walking.  Prepare a script for them to perform when they interact with people at this conference.

Ok, while they are working on learning how to be a good fake-you, you’ll need to be hitting up an online retailer or local spy shop to get some high tech AV gear. Basically, you need to be able to see what they are seeing, and hear what they are hearing.  In a pinch, you can just have them leave a phone in their breast pocket with facetime running, but it is better if you can get some specialty equipment.

Here is where things will get a bit tricky.  You need to be on your phone (tiny bluetooth earpiece is a must) so you can feed them lines and coach them on smalltalk, a la Cyrano De Bergerac.

Of course, the timing will be such that you are trying to be romantic with your partner, while they are trying to network and present on your behalf. So, make sure, as you coach them, that anything you say to them has a somewhat plausible double-meaning that could apply to the date.

When in doubt, pretend you were saying business things as a metaphor for love!

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My neighbor is an old woman who relies on a lawn care service to cut her lawn. When we first moved into our house, she noted that the previous residents used to cut her lawn for her, an obvious hint-drop that she would like us to do the same, but I am not willing to do it. On the other hand, she doesn't have her lawn mowed frequently enough, giving the neighborhood a shabby appearance. Is there a way that I can politely offer to pay for the incremental cost of additional lawn care visits?

Dear Grass-is-always-Greener,

The solution, as in most cases, revolves around ghosts. Specifically, the ghosts whose existence you are going to convince your elderly neighbors of.

Step 1: Get an accomplice (perhaps a spouse or friend), to hide outside your home, while you have her over for a visit.  Maybe say you accidentally bought too many tea biscuits, and ask her if she would she like to share them with you over some tea.

Step 2: While you are having tea with her, your accomplice will be outside, making strange noises, maybe they’ll have a fan or something to create an unexpected draft, etc.

Step 3: Use fishing line to make some stuff in the house move a bit in her field of vision.

Step 4: Casually mention that since you moved in, it seemed like there might be some sort of paranormal activity in the house, and ask her if the previous residents mentioned anything about that.

Step 5: This is where the plan gets tricky.

Step 6: Hint, at first with subtlety, but increasingly obviously, that maybe the spirits haunting your house are those of your neighbors!

Step 7: Host a seance to contact the spirits of your neighbors, make sure to invite your elderly neighbor (since it seemed like they most wanted to get in touch with her).

Step 8: Your accomplice will help out at the seance to deliver a spooky message. Maybe they are pretending to be a medium, maybe you just hire someone to pretend to be a medium.

Step 9: But these ghosts aren’t here to scare her! They are here to tell her about their unfinished business: helping pay for her lawn care.

Step 10: The ghosts of your neighbors feel awful that they never got to give her the envelope full of money they had intended to give her, to help her pay for her lawn-care after they had departed this world.  The scraggly grass has disturbed them from their ghostly slumbers.

Step 11: They reveal where in the house this money is hidden. And you can “discover” this money, which the ghosts explain is to help her keep her lawn from getting out of shape.  The ghost even gets you to promise to help with the payments when the envelope money runs out.

Easy as pie!

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The USPS was supposed to deliver an iPhone to my apartment, but it never came and they said it was delivered to me! What should I do?

Dear Phone-less (you didn’t include a sign-off so I had to make one up for you),

Let me ask you this: Are you a good baker?  If so, the solution is easy.  Use your award-winning baked goods to curry favor with the neighborhood mail carrier.  Once you have developed the pretense of a true friendship, offer to go with this postal worker on their route. Eventually, someone else in your neighborhood will be receiving an iPhone through the mail, and that is when you strike!

Slip some bacon into the mail carrier’s bag, and get a friend to loose one of the dogs in the neighborhood as you and the postal worker are walking by.  While your mail carrier is distracted by the dog, you stash that iPhone somewhere to be recovered later, and the mail carrier will be none the wiser!

What could possibly go wrong?

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Ask a Sitcom Character!

Are you familiar with boring old advice columns where someone tells you how to solve your problems, using common sense, prudence, and etiquette?  Well, now is your chance to get advice in the form of wacky hijinks and schemes.

Submit your real actual dilemmas, and I will tell you what you should do if you want your life to be like a sitcom.