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The stakeout
I had never read Dracula before, but got hooked on Dracula Daily. My mom has never read it, either, but enjoys the verbal summaries I give her occasionally.
I was telling her about the update today (September 26) and...
ME: So Seward and Van Helsing go to the graveyard and find Lucy’s coffin is empty. They plan a stakeout to watch for her--
MOM: Oh, cute. A stakeout. For a vampire.
Much groaning and laughter ensued at my accidental pun.
I was like, I need to get out and exercise more but the climate in Wisconsin is shit, so I should explore indoor options.
The local YMCA charges over SIX HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS for a membership. But wait, they have financial assistance for low income people. Let’s see... A single adult in the lowest income bracket can apply and potentially get a membership for almost TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS. That is still way out of reach! What the everliving fuck?
KS has DSPS
After a lifetime of having my circadian rhythms not match society’s expectations, several years after I learned that Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome was a thing, after clashing with my boss over “mandatory” meetings that were only scheduled at a time that felt like the middle of the night to me, I FINALLY GOT AN OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS!!!
My doctor was so nice and listened to what I had to say, reviewed the 23 months worth of sleep logs I had kept, looked over the criteria, saw I matched almost all of them, and officially added it to my chart. On Monday she’s going to send me a letter to show to my manager (and you better believe I’ll give a copy to HR, too) excusing me from morning meetings on medical grounds. People with DSPS are protected by the ADA, so they legally cannot require me to show up on three hours of sleep for a meeting that could have easily been an e-mail, or recorded.
I’m free! I’m validated! I’m so relieved! This has caused me so much anxiety through my life, but especially this year, due to issues at work. But no more! I’m so happy I want to cry and/or dance!
Day 25 of Covid.
My therapist: “Be kind to yourself. If all you can do is to get up, brush your teeth, get dressed, and feed yourself, that’s enough for now. Don’t push yourself too hard to recover before you’re ready.”
Me: “Wow, going to therapy the other day was the first time in four weeks that I’ve left the house, and I’m absolutely wiped out. That’s frustrating. Hey, boss, I’m definitely not able to return to work officially yet, but can I come in and do quiet paperwork for a few hours here and there just to see how it goes?”
My boss: “No. Try to work your Thursday and Friday shifts if you can, but I do expect you to work your shift on Saturday as originally scheduled, unless you can give me a doctor’s note saying exactly when you’ll be able to return to work.”
Me: “I would love nothing more than to know exactly when I’ll feel better, but that’s not how Covid works. At all. And I’ve missed an entire paycheck so far, so paying for an office visit is the last thing I want to do.”
My boss: “Rest up tonight and maybe you’ll feel better tomorrow!”
Me: “I have done literally nothing but rest for weeks. One more day isn’t going to cure me.”
The nurse at my doctor’s office: “Does your boss realize that it’s literally impossible to know when you’ll be over Covid?”
So yeah. I’m still coughing, short of breath, fatigued, have brain fog, occasionally have heart palpitations, and can’t quite shake this headache. But I guess I’m supposed to magically get over all that before Saturday. Sure, boss.
The stupid thing is, I WANT to get back to work! I’m bored at home and I’m missing all kinds of things going on at my job, and I desperately want to feel well enough to do normal things, but I’m not there yet!
I did get a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. Not my normal GP, but someone who can write me a note and evaluate why I’m still this sick after all this time.
Well, I asked my therapist what it would take to get an official ADHD diagnosis. Apparently it’s TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS before insurance, and I have crappy insurance that almost certainly wouldn’t cover it. So I guess I’ll continue to muddle through the way I always have.
Same reason I haven’t gone for a sleep study to diagnose my DSPS.
I hate the health care industry in America with the heat of a thousand suns.
The Fagradalsfjall volcano (known in certain fan communities as “Rag-Nar” or simply “Nar”) has become something of a hyperfixation for me in the three-and-a-half months it’s existed. It’s not only been entertaining and fascinating to follow, but it has actually been helpful in controlling my anxiety! I’m really bad at focusing on just one thing and being present in the moment (undiagnosed ADHD, most likely), but I can zone out and do nothing but watch lava for long periods of time. I also check on the volcano while I’m at work, and it’s a wonderful distraction from stresses there.
So yes, I have an emotional support volcano. Seriously. I mean, it’s funny, too, (thus the memes) but it really has helped me. Who’d have thought?
I just love how the perennial question of “Am I feeling unwell because of anxiety, or am I having anxiety because I’m not feeling well?” is now exacerbated by Covid fears.
I haven’t felt right for the past few days, and since I’m not running a fever I’m chalking it up to stress. Still...blah.
Why is it so freaking hard for modern creators to do a happy ending? Not bittersweet, nihilistic or Pyrrhic. Just a plain, old-fashioned, unquestionably HAPPY ending.
I’m weary to my bones of stories that have to be fixed with fanfics and headcanons. Not that those aren’t fun to make and read, but I'm sick of having to placate myself with fan-created content when the people who have A-list actors and millions of dollars drop the ball over and over again.
It makes me leery to get emotionally invested in any story when time and time again I’m rewarded with unsatisfying, rushed, sad endings. (I’m not talking about drama or tragedy, where you expect that kind of conclusion. I’m talking about “Here, enjoy this fun, uplifting, epic tale of heroes saving the world, making friends, righting wrongs, finding love and belonging! Are you enjoying this? Good. Time to rip your heart to pieces and make you feel foolish for wanting nice things for these characters! Oh, and let’s not forget a completely unseeded but oh-so-shocking plot twist or two!”)
Does no one know how to construct a proper narrative anymore? If your characters end up right back where they started (and you’re not deliberately trying to make a point about that), your story is a failure. Show me characters who learn, change, suffer, sacrifice, make mistakes, atone, grow, and ultimately have their dreams come true.
Real life is full of so much senseless, often random tragedy. Bad things happen to good people. Bad people go unpunished. Empathy can be so hard to find. Let fiction be an escape from that!
