The more it piles on, the more I am wordless, to express how it feels.
It's like the light inside of me flickers back in defiance.
It's like being lifted out of cold water, when I am about to drown.
I never know why you stand closely by me,
But I don't think I'll ever be able to say, how much it means, and how much it feels.
Thank you.
Heartbeats echoed the rhythm of your footsteps,
Nervous as you were to drink from the golden chalice.
You thought it was poisoned, didn't you?
Now let your tainted heart beat as one with them,
And lie within this imperfect glass castle.
You don't need to be afraid any more.
The firm heels of boots planted themselves in front of the stone just outside the Congregation. Esredes had passed by it many a times on a week to week, but rarely did he actually glance over and truly look at his former place of employment, much less go inside. No, he hadn't been back inside since he had to pick up a fledgeling harrier of his from being arrested, and yet here he was again.
Fingers curled just a little tighter around the parchment in his hand, and he looked once more upon the contents of the summon, as if in doing so, this time he would find it wasn't truly addressed to him, that it was all a mere misunderstanding and he could go back to his day to day. But no, just there the same as every other time he checked the paper, was his name in bold lettering. And with no details as to the why.
It wasn't an arrest warrant, that much was obvious- but being called to any of the facilities of Ishgard usually meant it was not going to be a fun conversation. Merely something to get over with, another set of predator eyes scanning his every word and movement for the opportunity to rip into his throat.
Oh, how fun. Esredes lowered the summons and looked upon the building once more, wrapping his free hand around the strap of his coat, hardening his expression to stone.
Let's get this over with.
As he pushed the doors open, each long-strided step made a near silent thunk onto the stone floor, one after the other. A voice caught in his ear, but whatever it had been about to say, it was swiftly interrupted by his entrance. And looking up from the maps in the center to stare back at him were two individuals, both Hyur, a woman dressed in Astrologian attire and a man dressed more plainly in a doublet with the Dragoon Order's symbol on it. Each looked stiff and emotionless despite their comparatively more youthful faces as they moved to greet him, even as the man quickly donned a warmer smile. The woman merely bowed.
"Pardon me." Esredes decided it was inevitable he spoke first. "The summon was for this appointed time, but if I am interrupting something, I can step outside."
"Ah! No, 'tis not an interruption at all." The man replied. "You must be Sir Rosemond, is that correct? Or...do you perhaps still go by 'Ser Esredes'?"
Ah, yes, perhaps one of Esredes' favorite questions in the world. He painted a small smile on his face. "Both are correct." Was the automatic, safe answer. "I don't expect all kinds of people to be comfortable with the title of Ser. I am not fussy about it, in most cases."
"Of course. Thank you ever so much for coming here today, Ser Esredes. I am Ser Kainen of the Order, and this is Lady Stella d'Argent."
"Ser Esredes," the lady in question finally spoke with a dip of her head, her voice quieter. "You have our thanks for responding to our request to meet."
So they hadn't opted for Master, Esredes noted, but said nothing besides "A pleasure to make your acquaintances," unsure if that was truly the case. So he waited. He followed them upstairs, and he watched the man set a file down on the table, which his eyes immediately focused on.
"If I may, I wish first to confirm the information we have here." Oh, perhaps one of his other favorite topics of conversation. The files. Those files from the Inquisition people sometimes brought up to him that he had never seen for himself. "You served as a knight for a significant stretch of the Dragonsong War. That is, until 'accusations' were raised. You spent some time in Dravania, then, but eventually came to earn a pardon. These days you are working as a Dravanian diplomat and an advisor of sorts."
"Moreso Coerthas with a side of Dravania." Esredes' gaze and tone remained even, betraying nothing as he stared at the file. The file was fascinating even to him. Each person who spoke of it said something different about it, and yet always seemed to get something wrong or leave something out. Had even the Inquisition failed to document extensively the contained chaos of his own life?
The man picked up a pen and corrected the file with an expression of thanks, and then looked at him directly. "Would you be willing to serve the Knights in defense of the Holy See once more, Ser Esredes?"
"Not particularly." Esredes answered with almost no hesitation. Such a loaded question he had the answer for ready, as if it was somehow an automatic process within him, despite the fact he had never been asked this exact question before. He leaned back in his chair a little. "The organization has its place, and I have mine which was assigned to me. I do not violate it for your peoples' benefit, as I am well aware it is nothing more than a conflict of interests by now." He smiled, ever so faintly. "I intend to remain as little of a problem for your people as possible, yet I thought this as obvious as ever. What brings the question to even be brought up again, then?"
The man closed his eyes in response, and nodded, as if in agreement with his words. "The tower in Dravania. You have seen it, surely."
Yes, Esredes certainly had seen it, and within him, something began to swell, but he kept his gaze even on the man, even catching the two off-guard with a remark that it must be Garlean in make and watching the uncertainty and unease appear in the way the man's brows move. But he soon caught himself back, and continued on script. "There are towers all over the globe, and I'd not fault you in the least for leaving those to the Alliance at large. But Dravanians are in danger, and we aim to do something about it."
"Do you speak of the people on the ground or those in the sky?" Esredes asked back immediately, the focus of his eyes unwavering on the Hyur.
"Both."
"'Tis only logical, mere obligation or not. Would hardly do to see dragonkind have their free will taken from them again, to remind all the wayward people of the order that they'll never escape their one true purpose." Esredes watched as these words caused the man's gaze to drift away. "I would certainly be more concerned if you weren't going to do a thing. For that much, I am quite relieved to hear."
"I agree, Ser Esredes." Kainen looked back to him and nodded. "We do intend to do anything and everything in our power to see this threat neutralized. 'Tis why your file, especially, stood out. As a former knight and now a Dravanian ambassador, you have a valuable perspective and a wealth of experience which we would be honored to be able to call upon in this endeavor."
"This effort to thwart the towers and their dark purpose calls for all to bring their strengths together in a unified opposition," added the Astrologian.
And there it was, right on schedule. The appeal. The mention of unification, that impossible, distant ideal that became convenient when one asked. Just the same as always- Ishgard once again wanted to call upon him just to use him and throw him back to the shadows he came from afterwards, to maintain his banishment as it was.
Esredes' smile was coated in thick layers of an insincere paint, and it did not shift. "Well, it is usually in times of desperation I am sought out. But what can I say? There is a charm to it." He paused a moment, gaze unwavering from the other man. "I am no stranger to the calling and working of greater goods, nor to answering to another if it means helping my own people." He began. "But it is, and I expect it to be, just that. I cannot and will not properly and formally rejoin the Order. If you make a call for all, it will be just that, and afterwards, I expect it will be as if nothing happened at all- which is just fine with me. I simply will not answer to another and do anything more than quietly tolerate those who will make a problem of it, is all I will say. I am used to it already in my everyday life, but morale is an important component of any army, as I'm sure you know well and good."
To all of this, the Dragoon simply nodded. "Certainly. 'Tis not an entreaty made lightly, I assure you. I fully acknowledge the rift between yourself and the Knights. Rather than ask you to work for the Knights, I would humbly implore you to work with us. For despite past conflicts and present tensions - very real ones - I do believe our goals are aligned."
Of course they were. How many times had he heard that one before? "It's hard not to be in alignment, after all, when we've always wanted but the same thing." Esredes remarked back with his fake smile. And then he tilted his head ever so slightly. "Just simply know that while I would not dare disobey order and authority in such a situation, I am not the mere object of convenience most expect out of me. I do not assume to know your intentions one way or another, of course, but as they come to be revealed, I merely hope you will keep that in mind."
The man seemed to ponder his words, and the best Esredes could gauge from his expression were more hints of uncertainty, but he ended up nodding. "I will do my best, Ser Esredes. And I feel safe to assume that, should you find anything objectionable, you will make it known to us, yes?"
"If such a thing is amenable, it will most certainly be done." He said. "But it shouldn't long be of any issue. It doesn't take me long to read peoples' hearts."
And the man in the shadows would not be incorrect. Long it did not take him, indeed...
A sigh escaped Esredes into the cold air of Ishgard as he set down the well traveled path to his home street in Foundation. The stones were a few months older since that fateful meeting, the world was a much different place, and yet- though little had changed about Ishgard itself in that span of time, it felt as if each gray stone of the city had much more color.
Yet as it often was, it still felt muted. Esredes procured a keyring from one of the pouches on his belt as he went up the steps to his door, and unlocked his door, pushing his way into his home and swiftly shutting it and locking the door again. And as he turned back towards the room, a gasp left him and he pressed against the door as the figure of an Elezen man stood behind the chairs and table of the center of the room.
"By the- love of- Shiva," Esredes got out. "Would it kill you to give some form of damn notice?!"
The man crossed his arms. "Notice? You've been away at Garlemald too long if this seems unnatural to you, Esredes. A lot must have happened out there, huh?"
Esredes narrowed his eyes and crossed his own arms, leaning to one side after peeling his weight off the back of the door. "...A lot did happen, yes. That much is for certain." He shut his eyes and exhaled a breath, then reopened them. "I take it you have something to report? Has more happened already?"
"It's not a report," the man said back. He took a step forward and put his hands on the top of the chair. "Word spreads fast, and yet. When were you going to tell me about the offer?"
That made Esredes tense up. "...Soon." He said after a moment. "I've been trying to figure out how to tell... a lot of people about it."
The other man sighed. "Yet you already told Vette, and Ashton, and Dione, and yet- I didn't get to hear it from you?"
"You say that as if I could've hid it from either of the first two," Esredes said. "It is quite literally almost impossible to do that. You can't fault me for that."
He shook his head. "No, of course not. But Dione's off at her airship and yet you visited."
"I wasn't intending to say anything, but they can all tell when I'm off-"
"And so can I." The man said. "Come here, Esredes. We need to talk about this."
Esredes just sighed again and stared down at the floor. "You're not happy, are you."
"No, I'm not," he said, making his way around the table, putting his hands on the top of the chair directly in front of Esredes and leaning a little into it. "But that's beside the point. I think we can both agree that sometimes you need a bit of a... reality check, Esredes. And you're just back from Garlemald and I'm sure some things got a little... mixed up with you because of that, that's something I can understand. And I know you're not thinking of abandoning anything, that's not how you work, despite what some who don't know you try to insinuate sometimes. However, Esredes... you're back from Garlemald. And. With that, you have to remember to think about things according to normal..."
"You don't want me to do it." Esredes said.
"What I'm trying to say is- you're still thinking as if you were in Garlemald, and you're... not. Yes? Everything is- back to normal. And that means..."
"I know." Esredes said. "I know what you're trying to say, and I am very aware of it. Thank you for your concern, but I know. I know why I shouldn't do it."
"And yet you didn't tell the man no, Esredes. You told him you couldn't give him an answer yet, right?"
"I wanted to take the time to talk to others about it. Is that a crime?"
"No, of course not. But it means you haven't told him no. Esredes- I know when something in your heart is pulling at you. You're not resolved to say no, or you would have done it immediately."
"I had to take the time to process what he told me."
"Of course, of course. But now, here in the present- have you? Have you finished processing?"
Esredes began to formulate a response. His mouth opened, words tried to form into one shape, and then out came another entirely. "...No."
"That's what I thought." He said with a sigh. "All right, let's break this down piece by piece. You were invited to join a new Temple Knight order by- him- by that Commander Dragoon guy from Garlemald you like, right?"
"Yes... And he invited me to a manor and told me all about it, and, he was even willing to-"
"-Reinstate your knighthood there on the spot?"
"...Send in an application to do that, yes. And I told him not to."
"And you've been lying awake thinking about his offer ever since. Do I have that right?"
Esredes nodded.
"Tell me where your thoughts are right now."
"...I want to believe him." Esredes said. "He's too well-meaning and.... well. Let's just say I doubt he thought any more about it than what he told me that day."
"What did he tell you, exactly?"
"That he wanted to start a fire." Esredes replied. "That he knows it will start one if I sign on, and that's the point. It's challenging everything."
He crossed his arms again and leaned against the chair. "And you trust him?"
"I trust him," Esredes said. "But I don't trust the system above him."
The other man chuckled. "It always has to be a man, doesn't it?" He said. "Tell me, what does he have that took you in compared to Ferrant and the High Inquisitor and that other one who dropped you?"
"He's earnest like both of them. A bit dense and confused like Ferrant, but. Well meaning. You weren't there to see it, but he proved himself through my doubts." Esredes said. "Otherwise I would have said no outright. But I know he doesn't mean anything but what he said. He's... much more like a puppy than a fully grown wolf." Esredes pushed himself off the back on the door and dropped his arms, one going on his hip as he kept his gaze to the floor. "He even... apologized when I brought up that we hadn't had the conversation..."
"He apologized for his part in the war?"
"Yeah." Esredes said. "And how often does that happen? Even among the friendly loyalists?"
"Not often, I give it that." He said. "But is that enough, Esredes? Did you make absolutely sure he wouldn't just cast your concerns aside when you raise them, or are you just desperate for acceptance from their kind again?"
Esredes looked up at the man at those words.
"You know being nice to you by itself means nothing, Esredes." He said with a shrug. "People are nice to you all the time and then they drop you the moment you're most honest about yourself."
"He read the files-"
"Does that change my point, Esredes?" The man said. "People have read the files before and given you a chance, right? They're giving you the chance to prove you're not whatever is in those files, and. Let's be realistic, Esredes. From their perspective- you're probably not exactly the files, but are you not the files entirely? Also not true. And Loyalists have been known to flee when they see that."
Esredes frowned at the man, but said nothing.
"And what does that mean for you, Esredes? Is it going to be like everything else, where you have to put on the mask of perfection to please the Loyalists like always? You really want to keep doing this to yourself?"
"I-"
"You don't need to keep doing this, Esredes." The man loosened his arms and took a couple steps towards him. "You're. Not. One of them. And you say that you know this, and you insist on it- but yet it feels like we all keep having to tell you this. You're not a Temple Knight anymore, Esredes. How could you possibly, realistically, ever consider rejoining the order after what they did to you? I'll tell you what's going to happen- this guy will be nice to you and patient for a while, but then he'll get tired of you like so many others, and you'll once more remember that our people is the only place you belong, in an endless cycle of learning that some things can't change, Esredes. That's what you tell me and everyone else all the time- you have to keep your place, some things don't change. So why are you risking taking and breaking the oath a second time just for the approval of one man?"
"It's not just for his approval," Esredes said back with a bit of a hiss. "Why would you think I would ever be so stupid as to do this all for that alone??"
"You accepted that High Inquisitor's offer," the other man pointed out. "And you did it not because you'd get any great intel on the enemy- you did it because you wanted to help him and you wanted his power. Because he gave you a chance and said you weren't the monster everyone says you are- Esredes, you're not desperate anymore like you were when Ferrant asked you on to his team, and yet you keep doing this. So what power does this Dragoon and his new little organization have? Why do you need to risk that it wouldn't turn you on your people? What could be worth that reward?"
"...I don't know." He said. "I don't know how far this organization will go. It's incredibly new and hasn't even recruited anyone yet except Vilette." He looked to the floor. "And a mere Temple Knight can't change anything."
"That's what I thought." The man took a couple steps closer. "I can't lay this out any more clearly, Esredes. Stop letting people pull you by the heart. You're not a vulnerable entity to be taken advantage of, that's only the act you put on to entice people to come closer to you. So why are you letting it be sincere?"
"I'm not letting it be sincere-"
"Yes you are!" The man said. "You can't just lie to me and yourself, Esredes, I can see it. You're still too hung up on the fact the people in the Alliance were good to you, and now it's warping your entire judgement of everything. Esredes, listen to me. You are a harrier. You know this, and this is who you are. You're not a Temple Knight. They are your sworn enemy. What will it take to make you realize for good that that part of you is gone, and it isn't coming back, and that's okay? When will you realize that, no matter what you do, no matter how much you work for other peoples' approval, this city will never, ever see you as a hero?" The man frowned. "You can't pretend it didn't happen, Esredes. We can't just hide, as a collective, from our sin. From our mistake. Working with the Alliance isn't going to change the fact that children died to wyverns because of us, Esredes. We're never going to be heroes in this city. We just can't."
Esredes covered his face with his hands. "Stop," Esredes said. "I get your point. Stop."
"I don't think you do, Esredes. You're not going to be forgiven for that, it's just the way of things. You don't need to prove to them that you're-"
"I SAID STOP!" Esredes uncovered his face and took a step forward, leaning his torso in with the motion. "Shut the hells up or I will forcibly kick you out of my damn house! You think I don't already know everything you've tried to say so far?! You think it hasn't been echoing through my mind ever since I got the offer?! I know! And you know what I have to say about it? It doesn't even matter!" He shouted. "One way or another, we all know I'm destined to burn with this city!"
"And are you resolved to take the movement with you?! What are they to say to their leader going back to the Temple Knights?! You can't be unaware of how that looks given your past, Esredes! The Alliance couldn't have changed you that much! When will you wake up to reality and go back to the leader I know you are? You're the one always going on about corners to stay in, boundaries that can't be crossed, and yet here you are, wanting to risk everything you've built because of kindness that won't last and that same stupid sense of optimism the Loyalists always tell you that's always hollow?!"
"Has it occurred to you I'm not stupid?!" Esredes fired back. "You think I can't tell hollow from meaningful? You think I haven't already performed every test I always do?! That I would just drop all my usual risk assessment measures?? I wasn't the one who tried to cross the boundary here! It was offered to me out of nowhere when I had been resolved to go back to normal!"
"And that's exactly how it's happened. Every time." He remarked. "You never expect these things. You never have any damn warning. They're so nonsensical to you that you can't help but be enchanted by how it doesn't make sense. And what has it gotten you, Esredes? A man you were convinced for over a month only wanted you for his political agenda and who stressed you out repeatedly, a man who you said seemed so gentle despite his intimidating presence, and then threatened to kill you indirectly and eventually threw you out to do things on your own. And what about the Inquisitor?"
"...Him and his team are fanged." Esredes said. "They've made it clear to me if I stepped out of line they would tear my throat open. They're... Very colorful about saying it. They are Inquisitors. And... Alphinoix’s health is worsening. I’m worried about him.”
"Predictable of them, and look, you might lose another one," he remarked. "Now let me ask this again, Esredes." He stepped right up in front of him and leaned in. "What about this one?"
"This one doesn't have an aggressive bone in his entire body." Esredes replied, steeling his gaze to meet the others'. "All he's mentioned is following the law. Like you'd expect."
"And that's it?"
Esredes stared back at him... and his gaze fell. His eyes clouded over with hurt, and he crossed his arms and looked to the floor.
"...No." He said. "Not quite. I don't think he- I don't think he completely understands the predicament I'm in, despite it all. I don't quite know. And once in Garlemald he... he said something about how I would just have to deal with those I'm not comfortable with within the faction."
"That's what Ferrant said about Heilyn."
"...It wasn't quite like that. It wasn't said to be insensitive, or with ill will, but-" He squeezed his eyes shut. "...But that doesn't mean it couldn't happen." His tone wavered. The edge and anger of before was gone- no longer could he keep it up. "To be ignored. To have concerns- shoved aside, even if they were regarded earnestly before, because... I'll have too many of them, and it will be tiring, because I know that I don't belong and I know I can't work that closely with the enemy, and- what will it take to make this clear to you that I know?!"
"Easy now," the man said, putting both of his hands on Esredes' shoulders, prompting the other man to glance up at him. "I didn't mean to make you this upset about it. I just wanted you to understand."
Esredes stared back at him, his eyes glazed over with that typical blank look. And he took a long step to the right, freeing himself from the man's touch and turning away, raising a hand towards the center of his chest as he curled it into a fist.
"No. You're the one who doesn't understand." He said. "I deal with the frontlines of this movement because the majority of you are incapable on what they've become. You may not have gone off to live more of your own life like so many and not deal with the problem, but you still get to work fully in the shadows, while I don't. You know I can't just step away from every little deal that involves a catch, or an edge, or a vicious bite behind it- that's not how making progress works. Yes, even the nice ones are just doing it to take advantage of me, but why are you so convinced I'm being sincere in playing along with them?"
"This isn't something you can put on that mask for, Esredes." He said. "This involves an oath. A legal oath to be sworn, again, a second time."
Esredes was silent for a moment, allowing it to hang in the air like a thick mist. "Yes." He said. "Yes it does." A smile slowly began to spread across his face. "And believe me, that part scared me. A lot. But the more I've thought about... the more I've realized it doesn't even matter."
"What do you mean it doesn't matter? You're the Temple Knight here, you know full well why-"
Esredes put his unoccupied hand up to silence him. "Think about it," he began. "If I break the oath again to protect everyone and face the consequence, I know you'll do a great job of leading the movement in my place. With how much we've accomplished since the war's end, watching me burn up in the fire I create will be a great sense of how much progress we have left, won't it?" The smile twisted further, into a very distinct one the man wore sometimes. "I have nothing at the end of the tunnel of my life. This is a known fact we agree upon. And if it's between dying to an execution in this city, or quietly in a back alley to some Dark Knight, or out in the wilderness to some Dragoon who thinks the world revolves around them? You know what, I have to pick the execution. I want everyone to see it. I want everyone to be faced with the paradox of a harrier that, from their perspective, had seemingly come back to them and then stood up to Ishgard once more anyway. I want them to ponder the illogicality of it, and be just as enchanted by it as you so put it."
He crossed his arms and was silent a moment. "I thought you didn't want the Inquisition to have their win over you. What happened to the battlefield?" He asked.
"That's the thing about it." That smile of his had only widened to near unnatural levels. "They won't win. They will believe themselves to have won, and then when the fire only blazes higher because of it- they'll realize they only further contributed to their undoing. And won't that be beautiful?" He shut his eyes and chuckled. "No, it isn't the battlefield, but I'm willing to sacrifice that ideal for something that will make a greater impact. And in the meantime- hy not at least try to burn with something that will make me feel the most satisfied, the most resolving climax to an overdue end to a tale?"
The other man said nothing.
"The further reaching paradox of it all is," Esredes continued, "I have felt oh so alive, ever since I joined the Alliance. And it is here in that feeling of life, like a renowned blazing candle that hadn't been lit for very long ever since the war's end, that it illuminates even clearer why we burn ourselves out for this unending dream. The majority of those in the Alliance- they understood why candles burn." He turned around to regard the other man again. "To tell you the truth, it made me bitter. These lesser people were regarded with more humanity than we ever were during the war- it's a sight both touching and infuriating. But we were all the minority, and even among us, some couldn't even accomplish that. And you know what? After seeing that drop of beauty, too late to grasp it for our people, it has only made me want to defy it all the harder."
"What are you trying to say, Esredes?"
"I'm saying that among all the death of Garlemald, the essence of life was permeating everything, persistently, even among all these formerly tainted hearts. And coming back here, it's become easier to see that essence, to reach out and grasp the threads and see how else I might weave them in ways we've not accomplished yet. If the strongest among us can change, what new clues might that leave us with to deal with the weak? Between the diplomacy, the counseling, and now this, I intend to continue my work in refining our methods. And now, to do that properly, I have once more been told to start a fire."
"Despite how you said we needed to keep the fire starting quieter."
"Ishgard no longer has a common enemy." Esredes said. "Before I would have stuck to that, but now is a good time to pick up, is it not?" Esredes' grin twisted further and further. "The fire we cultivated never goes out, my dear assistant. We simply choose how we'll make it bigger. And until I actually end up making myself a traitor for real this time by forcibly throwing the oath out- in this situation we've been discussing, Kainen has a point about starting fires. What else will get those who know talking than being lead to believe their greatest enemy swore himself back into their ranks? Think of how furious they will be, how much more it will add to the fire. But it's not just about the public image and monitoring and challenging the narrative," Esredes clasped his hands behind his back and walked right up to him, leaning forward in by the other man's face. "Rusty was kind enough to point this out to me, but the real ticket lies in the potential to destabilize."
His eyes flared up with flecks of surprise. "Destabilize...?"
"What's unusual about this organization is it will be under the House of Commons." Esredes said. "An attempt to redistribute power, which will upset the Lords. Add on top of that slowly boiling pot myself, and suddenly the very identity of the Temple Knights is starting to fall apart. Traitors and outsiders and serving the Commons, what is the world coming to? Can our own military even be trusted anymore?" And the grin spread further. "Maybe it can't. Maybe the Knights and the Commons are conspiring against the nobles, and all that tension we've been putting aside just rises up." He removed a hand from behind his back and laid it flat, slowly elevating it. "And the more pressure we apply," Esredes made a motion with his hand to grab something imaginary. "The more we can create an opening to seize power."
The other man furrowed his brows. "Are you really so certain it can go that far?"
"Kainen doesn't know the weight of everything himself." Esredes said, dropping his hand. "Like I told you, he's not an aggressive predator. He's just an earnest, simple man from Gridania at heart. But you know who does? The only one to sign on thus far. Vilette. She wasted little time telling him about how each officer needed to be in different parts of the manor so that if a bomb was detonated we wouldn't all die, how it needs to be locked with keys and a guard, and how Kainen needs to be wary of assassins. If an all too humble star commander like her is going to say that- it's safe to say something is there to investigate, yes?"
"...I see your point." The other man offered, as Esredes straightened out his back. "But if you are resolved to pursue this path- don't forget who you are, Esredes. If you do, and you get caught up in the temporary positive feelings- the last thing we need is cause for others to doubt you. We can scarce afford a potential mutiny or split to weaken things even further."
"My heart will never be one with Ishgard." Esredes said. "It will never matter how many noble houses, politicians, charity hosts, Inquisitors, or military personnels want to open my heart to theirs." He smiled up at the man, a softer one in contrast to those previous. "I don't doubt the others may force or ask me to face trials- it is the burden I chose to bear. But I'll make sure they know it is a mere game, of a sort."
The other crossed his arms. "One you can't get out of if it goes wrong this time. What the hells happened between then and now to make you seriously consider something so drastic?"
"We're going to see how it all flies out." Esredes said. "It all comes down to what I can get out of the agreement itself. I could always monitor and join later, if prediction comes to be true- but opportunity is opportunity, my dear assistant. And if it becomes such that it is the best choice to start the biggest fire... I mean what I said before. You know the needs and hearts of this movement just as well as I, even if someone else must work in the light in your place. Have I made myself clear enough to you now?"
"Yes, Esredes."
"Wonderful." Esredes lowered his hands to his side. "Then I think this discussion is concluded. Are you going or staying here tonight?"
"I'm going." He said, and with no hesitation he went for the door and opened it, stepping out into the cold and looking back. "Have a good night, Esredes. Please get some sleep."
And with the shut of the door, Esredes was alone. The man frowned to himself and turned towards the table, closing a fist over his heart as he walked forward. It throbbed, and throbbed, and throbbed onward with an ache, as a cascade of memories plunged Esredes beneath the water. Kainen unlocking the door for the Shiva follower when she was untempered without hesitation. The question of how he could help him, the flower at his bedside after he was injured, those words that had drifted from him after a discussion of their mutual knot in their pasts. You're enough for me.
If he walked away, he didn't have any risk of drowning. And yet, when the warm fire of the Alliance had given him some refuge from those persistent icy waters- why would he walk away from that beautiful, roaring fire that could burn him alive?
Soon enough, the daily prophecy fulfilled itself, and Esredes had collapsed on his bed, one hand sprawled over his heart as he stared at the ceiling. Some days the world was like a boulder positioned just above the ceiling, waiting to descend and crush him to pieces.
And soon he would find out just how much a dragon could truly carry...
And there at the end of everything,
The doors opened instead of closed,
And beckoned you towards the song of your heart.
For too long you've been afraid, but the voices all rise in harmony-
Soar. Touch the blue and red sky. Feel the life coursing through you,
Feel the shards fuse together.
Maybe you know not who you are truly meant to be,
But you'll never find the answer in the shadows alone.
Step through the gates. Brandish the quill. Answer the call.
Prepare yourself for new horizons, attune with the impossible.
Perhaps you could fly over a mountain, out of reach of being dragged back to the earth.
As veils fall below out of reach,
But you'll not know until you see where your limits truly lie,
And so your steps keep pressing on, to answer, to finally answer,
Who do you wish to become?