Y’know I think sometimes “mindful eating” gets conflated with diet-lite, “chew 20 times before swallowing” “I do not sully the temple of my body with gross matter” bullshit. But let me just say. As a fat person (“small fat”) that is not what it’s working out to with me. I’ve actually experienced a lot of food restriction in my life, not part of formal dieting, just due to a variety of life circumstances. As a result, especially when I’m tired (as I have been this week) I tend to eat until no longer uncomfortably hungry but not until full. My dietitian commented that I probably don’t know what full feels like and she’s right, I really don’t. As a result, I’m on this bus to work, semi-delirious from lack of sleep, because my poor body got frustrated and slammed down all of the FOOD, motherfucker buttons at the same time. At about 4:30 am.
I’ll take care of this. Today I’ll work extra hard on noticing if I’m full and eating when I’m not. I’m going to try and get some work stuff done and then come home and sleep so I can have the energy going forward to make myself actual meals.
But it’s an interesting thing to experience, as someone who’s losing weight right now not due to calorie restriction but due to finally getting treatment for diabetes. I’ve had more than one medical professional’s eyes get big when I say I’ve found a really good dietitian who’s helping me eat more and feel a lot better. I have a soft throat and a big belly. I’m supposed to be punishing the soft animal of my body for loving what it loves. And yet I’m not. And I don’t need to. I shouldn’t, in fact.
Anyway I’m too tired to have a real point. This is just a strange time to be existing in my body. And I do think that it can be hard to think about healthy stuff outside of the framework of weight loss, because the two get so relentlessly presented as synonymous. So I just want to say that they’re not. Acknowledging your body doesn’t have to work like that. Accepting your body doesn’t have to work like that. It’s ok.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to buy a second breakfast because I’m fucking starving.