Mar 10, 2025
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hey so sometimes it feels like you’re dying or very close to death and that your world might be over, but it’s not; you just have to remind yourself of the things that make you happy, like warm food and changing your hair colour, you have to remember to have things in place in the future to keep you busy, like a hang out with a friend or a phone call with someone you love. Sometimes your life stops for a little and you manually focus on someone or something that maybe disappears or disappoints you, it’s okay to turn it off, and go back to viewing the world blurry for awhile and maybe focus on some other things. You will not die, your heart hurts a little but it will not collapse or rip out of your chest. You are and always have been alright.
I don't exactly know what I want right now, but I do know what I like and what I look forward to, on a day-to-day basis. I think short term now, never long term, it's a new habit built to avoid anxious thoughts and existential crisis.
I love cheetah prints on anything and black panthers. I love music, especially DJ mixes and abstract textures in music. I love mindless and intentional conversations. I love having options and choosing. I love hanging out with friends that are good company, that I'm still getting to know. I love that he makes me food and I can just stand in the kitchen. I love that I'm happy to be unemployed. I love that my room feels somewhat safe the longer I stay in it.
I forgot what I initially came here to write about, but it turned into me writing about everything that I loved about my current life, which can't be a bad thing and also can be a signal or a message of some sort. I still want to invite new experiences and to challenge this little body to hold this large soul, so I am sticking to my compass, even when it gets a little rusty on the outside.
I'm unsure of what era of life I am in, when it comes to my independent self. I am wondering at the back of my head, if this era is about the other. Even if that stands, the era will always ever be about me. I'm jumbled, slightly. Nevertheless, I am loved.
I feel a lot these days, learning too much these days, so much I can’t remember what to write down. All I know is, I like the way he feels, I like the way I feel around him, I hope he’s always okay, I pray for life and longevity and I smile at simple things. I still don’t know what I want but I’m okay with accepting unusual, uncomfortable and spontaneous situations that are and may be for my better, I just hope that I don’t have to learn this lesson through hurt this time. Patience.
I’m still 23 and he seems to like me, I’ve forgotten how to make full sentences, I remember I used to be very articulate now my body feels really heavy one minute and incredibly light the other, I have to remind myself to do things that are good for me, like drink water and write in my journal, I’m still sensitive to smell and it can make me have a bad day. does he still like me today like he did yesterday? And do my shoulders look too wide in what used to be my favourite shirt? I love when people smile and when dogs whine in pain even though they are happy. I’m getting older and it’s scary, I’m not entirely sure I’ve done everything I was meant to in order to become me.
my favourite past time is listening to familiar and new music. I tend to think about people from the past but envisioning the amazing people I will meet one day heals that part of my mind. I rarely take deep breaths anymore, only when I’m smoking. Am I losing myself? I’m wondering that too often these days.
My favourite colour was grey in highschool and it still is now. I'm twenty three and I'm stuck in a loop of the inability to change. I don't know what I like to eat anymore, I just eat what is there. I lied, I like mac and cheese, nuts and seeds, fruits and veggies, they taste like candy to me. I have friends but none of them really know me. I'm making a space for myself in the creative world but I don't consider myself a creative. I wear black a lot, it's easy. I'm constantly fluctuating between the weight of 109 and 130. My hair breaks off a lot and I think about people that have forgotten me.