Anti-Affini Tactics: Human Sleepy Wave
Captain, I have a report from the Terran ship. Our boarding parties have been… neutralized??? By new human tactics!
“Neutralized?!? By the everbloom! How is it possible?!?”
I do not know, the boarding party reports that they are fine but immobilized. The Terran captain is requesting our response. Or else we never see our crew again.
“Frost! Those piece of dirt feralists!”
They… say they have a new tactic called the “human sleepy wave”. It matches our boarding party’s reports of being cuddled by humans. They grabbed them thinking it was a normal human wave, only to fall for the tactic. The human grabbed onto them and fell into a deep sleep. Each time our boarding party shifts or tries to move, the human sleepy whines and pulls the trap tighter! They used our own laws against us! To remove the human or move with them would cause the saddest whine ever
“Alright… What are their demands?”
They… the human commander asks for your audience aboard their ship. And if they are content, they will release our crew and consider voluntary surrender.
“Voluntary? From feralists?!? It makes no sense but… I…. I will accept whatever horrors they have plan. Very well, I shall go. Anything to free our crew.”
The Affini captain passes through airlocks and corridors of the Terran ship. Each Affini crew member is pinned to the deck, cuddled by two to three sleepy humans. Each Affini pets their human captors and hums for a glass of water and blanket when they can, and to tell their florets aboard the Affini ship that they love them and won’t forget them.
The Affini captain steps into the human command bridge. The bridge is absolutely empty, save for one heavily scarred commander. They are grizzled for decades of naval combat, with a ragged wolf’s cut hairstyle and intense scarring down the side of their face. They address the Affini in a mocking, husky voice
So you have come to free your crew? Hmmm? “Yes sophont, I have come for their freedom. Do your worst…”
“Hmmm, follow me then if you are so brave~”
The two pass through deepest bowels of the ship, reaching the captains quarters. It’s not a spartan dungeon of a feralist raider the captain expected, but a fluffy plush paradise full of various plushies and fleece blankets. The air is turned down to 10 degrees for ideal sleeping temperature. The feralist captain swaps to dolphin shorts and an oversized hoodie, holding a well-used Blahaj in their arms, shooting the Affini captive an exhausted look, with deep bags under their half closed eyes.
“Okay… if you can learn each and every one of the plushies’ names by the time this is over… we’ll surrender”
Ten hours later
The alarm goes off on the human captain’s comms device. The Affini reaches out with her vine to silence it. Again. The Affini captain whispers to her warden.
Petal… petal~… petal~~~….
“Mmmmmm…….”
Petal, I’m so so sorry to cruelly wake you, but we already hit the snooze button five times. We really should get up
“Hmmmm…”
I know, I’m sorry, but can we please get up dear? My crew is probably worried
“Hmmm… Show me miss grumpybottoms… and we can… go….”
The Affini captain searches over the sea of plushies, her tendrils passing over dinosaurs, foxes, orcas, and Blahajs. She relies on her nearly flawless memory and grabs an angry long noodle cat plushie with grey and white fleece.
“Nuuuu….uhhhh… that’s mister angrybutt… he’s got the grey and white color and is angry and has a butt… grumpy bottoms is the pink and white… is grumpy and… bottom…I win again…. Five more minutes then we can go… for…real…Capt…ain….zzzzzzzzz”
