+ lie to you
( @slxhaneul )
despite having known her for several years of his life, it had never occurred to him that things would escalate so far. for the first time, he felt the flutters of his heart, and the little giddiness he felt in his stomach every time he saw her. it was received and given. a two way relationship where one person loves and adores the other, with the same reciprocation between the two. like heavy weights lifting from his shoulders as words would carve so easily, yet leave so innocently from him, syllables that came in stutters and murmurs, yet he never felt the same way towards haneul.
to him, hanuel was but a sister. yet the forced love and admiration that pressed against him only made him push that thought aside. a part of him told him that he had to love her, whilst the other made him believe that he truly was. but his heart had always belonged to another. he was unsure with the ways of dealing with these emotions, a turmoil that threw him off his tracks, as if his little hands could no longer control that thought. and he sits in front of her today. both hands clasping together in front of him, resting on the table between them. he doesn’t know what to say. the invitation now in his hands to her upcoming competition, and the same reminder on his phone with other plans. and he nods, a little smile tugging at his corners. he wants to promise her that he’ll show up, but a part of him knows, he won’t. he can’t.
and all the times he had let her down, only made him sad. truly sad. an emotion he had learnt to suppress over the years of adolescence. yet he was never able to do it when it came to her. things seemed to eat him inside out, yet the guilt never seemed to settle in long enough for him to savour the pain and regret on his decisions. and he only nods. the only thing he could truly do.
“of course, i’ll show up.”
another smile, perhaps too forced this time. but a smile nonetheless. and he knows he’ll regret telling her this, but what could he possibly do. the hope in her eyes only shunned him further into his abyss of insanity.
