I've been really fixated on Spencer of smosh fame recently for a few reasons, but largely because I look up to him. He's a successful creative in a field I admire, who has maintained the less "influencer-y" sides of his personality while still getting praise from an online audience. And not only that, but he has presented himself in a way that makes people feel safe enough to know he doesn't mean it when he makes edgy or scandalous jokes. I mean people joke about him getting away with it for a reason.
The cherry on top for me though is the gender envy. Like not only is he just a cool individual, who works in an adjacent field to things I aspire to, but he also has such a wonderful expression of masculinity. The mix of casual nerd, with some genuinely good personal style and flair, and sort of contrasting pieces more often associated with outdoorsy fashion is so so good. He's really well dressed! And for me I've only ever seen men that look similar to me in my family. Men that are more conservative leaning, very cishet, and many of whom were collegiate athletes or frat dudes at my age. So I've always kind of had to imagine an older version of me based on a mix of myself and pieces of my dad. But dude... I look a lot like Spencer. I don't mean to falsely talk myself up or anything, don't get me wrong- I know very well that Spencer is a good looking guy. I'm not comparing myself to that, or trying to claim I live up to his fangirls' standards. Especially since I'm quite a bit younger, so it's not like I've got such a luscious beard or anything. It's just nice to see a reference of what a guy with a lot of my features looks like. And it feels good to see someone celebrated for interests and physical traits that I can be very insecure about in myself. So, at a time when my dysphoria has been really high as I hyped myself up to shave, it is very comforting to see Spencer, and know that there is a niche of softer, nerdier, scruffy men, that I can look up to that aren't 60-something capital "H" Heterosexuals, like my relatives.
My brother shaved with me in solidarity today, because I kept chickening out. Since starting my medical transition my scruff has been a huge milestone. I talked a little about how weird I felt after, and I ended up mentioning that even though I know my face looks male, it can be hard because I know I'm still a pretty guy. Like I have big eyes with dark lashes, softer features, and a decently pronounced cupid's bow. They told me that it didn't matter cause Spencer is a pretty guy like that, and I know it's just a silly reference to a YouTuber we both like, but it genuinely meant the world. Cause ya know what? Yeah. Spencer is a very pretty, and very masculine guy, and I hope to have half as nice a beard and a third of his fashion in the coming years.
