#snail journal

[snail-reverts]

[december 23, 2024]

alright!! update time!!

so, there have been phases where i've been more distant from islam (praying less, doing more haram things, etc) but i think thats a normal part of the journey, some days will be better or worse than others!

lately, i've been trying harder to get back on track, especially prioritizing salah because i feel like that's what holds everything together and helps me stay somewhat consistent. it can be difficult, especially when none of my friends or family are muslim, so i feel awkward by doing religious acts. i'm trying not to let that anxiety take over, though!

i've been pretty good about wearing hijab/niqab when in public! there are some days where i feel too masculine and dysphoric, so i've decided that on those days, i can just wear a hat or turban that covers all of my hair, instead of a whole hijab. i still LOVE being a niqabi, although my mom dislikes it (and me wearing a hijab in general) but alhamdullilah she doesn't try to control how i dress :)

i'm also trying to get back into learning arabic! its frustrating that i've forgotten a lot of it, but hopefully i can be consistent enough to remember it and make more progress.

the biggest challenge with all of this is consistency, and that's a common theme for everything in my life. i've always struggled a lot with forming long-term habits. but the important thing is that i dont give up, and even if i fail a little bit, i pick myself back up and keep going!❤️

[snail-reverts]

its been a while since ive posted an update!

im doing well, alhamdulillah 💕 things have been pretty uneventful lately, but that gives me more time to get work done! some days (like today) i love to wake up super early, pray fajr, and work while the sun rises :D

ive been trying to keep learning arabic too, especially by attempting to translate short surahs in the quran. its,, not going great because learning new words is hard, but im getting better at reading the letters and sounding out the words!

[snail-reverts]

[may 22, 2024]

yall i have been so hyperfixated on making a neocities website,,,, it consumed my entire brain yesterday and i ended up sitting at my computer for hours and hours and i missed asr and maghrib because i felt like i couldnt do anything else :))))) astagfirullah

when i hyperfixate, it feels like nothing else matters, not even basic stuff like eating or using the bathroom. i usually dont realize how much time has passed, and if i do, i cant get myself to care enough to stop

but then after a while, i finally got up and realized how awful i felt, like it was suddenly an extremely terrible depression, i couldnt remember what its like to have religious beliefs. it was scary because i dont want to leave islam behind, like ive done so many times before! but its like im suddenly an entirely different person with different beliefs (not really in a system way, i still identified as myself, but more just feeling very disconnected from all previous emotions)

but alhamdullilah, willow (another system member) co-fronted and got us to pray isha. it was immediately comforting and i felt my emotions and faith returning to me. then the next morning, it felt really easy to get up and pray fajr, which i usually struggle with.

i know this may be obvious, but i think thats the whole point of salah being obligatory. like, even when we dont feel like it, when we have no motivation or faith, we're still urged to do our prayers, and thats like the anchor that grounds us. sometimes it feels like a burden, but its honestly really nice to have dedicated parts of the day where we can just reflect and be grateful. (also fajr has helped fix my sleep schedule SO MUCH, omg i love waking up early)

,,, i originally started writing this post so i could share the neocities site, but i ended up writing a whole essay lmao. anyway here's the site (theres still a lot of things i want to add but im proud of it so far)

The Snail Garden!

[snail-reverts]

[may 19, 2024]

hm. not feeling great today. might vent a little.

i ordered a few clothing items so i could dress more modestly, including 2 abayas and a khimar, and ive been more motivated to become a niqabi (especially after going to the mosque and seeing a few niqabis and being inspired by them)

but honestly i just kinda feel like a fraud. like, i want to dress so modestly because i think its physically, mentally, and spiritually more comfortable, but then people might look at me and think "wow, that person must be such a good devoted muslim"

but theres still so many things i do that are haram, so many habits that are difficult to break. i know im new at this, so its a gradual process of learning, but by wearing the niqab, it feels like i would be pretending to be better than i really am

not sure how to feel about all of it. maybe im overthinking it, i dont know

[snail-reverts]

[july 24, 2024]

its been a while since i last posted!! not much has happened, and for a while i was neglecting things like prayers and studying, astagfirullah :(

but! i kept wearing my hijab and reminding myself that i cant give up like i have so many times before! and then one day i got the motivation to pray again and i felt much better :D

ive also been wearing niqabs in public a LOT more often, usually with whole abayas and khimars!! its intimidating since i probably stand out a lot, but whenever i see my reflection i get so happy because im dressing in a way that i like!

im really hoping i can get back into studying arabic and the quran, i need to refresh my memory on a lot of basic words, maybe ill look for friends to study with :)

[snail-reverts]

ok can i just??? ramble a little bit??? about how much i love wearing a niqab??? (and modest clothing in general but rn im mostly thinking about niqabs)

like. man. ive been feeling kinda sad about my appearance, being like "oh those other hijabis are so much prettier than me" and all that, especially about my face (probably because i dont wear makeup) which i know is obviously silly and dumb because looks dont really matter, but its hard to break that habit of comparing myself

but. the niqab. like i imagine a lot of non-muslims would think that willingly wearing a niqab means ur trying to hide ur ugliness, but really it means the exact opposite! by wearing it, its like saying "i AM beautiful, and because of that, i will only show my face to certain people. my beautiful face is not for random strangers to see!"

and i just really love having that sense of control and privacy, and also the physical reminder that my body is something that should be respected and cherished, like a protective covering over something very important

[snail-reverts]

made an instagram account for posting about muslim stuff!! partially to help my non-muslim friends be educated (since none of them use tumblr) but also inshallah i want to include some hijab tutorials, outfit inspiration, and things like that!

its @ the_veiled_snail if anyone wants to check it out 💕 i cant find many queer muslims on instagram so id like to follow some!

[snail-reverts]

[may 9, 2024]

today was so nice alhamdullilah!! my friend came over, she lives two hours away so we dont get to see each other very much, but she's a muslim revert who has to hide that from her family, so i invited her to the mosque so she could take the shahada !!

we went to a halal restaurant and spent time with a bunch of ladies from the mosque, im really happy to finally be making friends on my own instead of relying on my fiance to introduce me to new people! its also cool to be friends with people that are older than me, while still being able to treat each other as equals

then we all went to the mosque for isha prayer and the friend's shahada! it was so positive and exciting, im so happy for her💕💕

then we were invited to the house of one of the ladies, where we had cake to celebrate the friend's shahada! this was the first time we were all able to take off our hijabs, its such a wholesome experience to see everyone's hairstyles for the first time

so yea, really great day, im so happy to be a part of this community now!