I feel like Snape/Quirrell is a severely underrated ship. Not in a traditional sense, mind you, but in an anti-ship way. These two have great bitter exes potential.
Professor Sprout sets them up together because they’re in the same age range and they both look... like they could use a date. Somehow this turns into a relationship. They spend two years exuding such potent awkwardness and anti-charisma as a couple that it’s difficult not to look away.
The only thing keeping them together is a vague fear of dying alone and an interest in theoretical magic.
Quirrell has the unfortunate habit of chuckling whenever he’s nervous, and Snape has a viscerally bad reaction every time.
Snape swears that he’s not staying up until four in the morning because Quirrell retires at seven and he’s avoiding him, he’s just a night owl.
Quirrell applies to the DADA job relying exclusively on what he learned listening to Snape infodump for two years. Dumbledore hires him and for the rest of the year, Snape only communicates with death stares.
Quirrell breaks up with him over owl while he’s away on his sabbatical. The letter is filled with melodramatic schlock such as ‘I’ve enjoyed the season of my life I spent with you.’ and metaphors about two ships passing each other in the night. Snape reads it aloud in the staff room because McGonnagal thinks it’s hilarious.
When Quirrell comes back, sporting a flashy new turban, he halfheartedly tries to apologise to Snape for the way things ended, and Snape casually informs him that he pawned all of the belongings Quirrell left in his quarters.
Voldemort doesn’t allow Quirrell to visit the pawnshop in Hogsmeade, so that is where his family heirlooms stay.
Snape spends the rest of the year harassing Quirrell like he does in the books, except all the older students and the professors think he’s doing it because he has gone full crazy ex-boyfriend. Quite a few teachers try to get Dumbledore to talk to Snape, not yet aware that this is all according to Dumbledore’s orders.
Quirrell bites it whilst trying to get the philosopher’s stone, and everyone realises who’s been living on the back of his head. McGonnagal takes Snape out for drinks to apologise for the time she tried to organise an intervention with the rest of the house heads.
Snape has to grapple with the fact that Voldemort probably co-authored that breakup letter.
