Would you consider taking another crack at noseplay? I really enjoy your first one and would love to see it done again this year if your allergies permit :]
Hello Anon! I think this ask might be over 3 months old 😱. I really am having relatively mild allergy season this year… then I got the flu AND allergies and voila! I could fulfil your request ❤️ (FINALLY)
The nose rubbing is quiet I think I ended up muffling them in my covers, but the sneezes are loud so adjust volume as necessary.
Can I request a drawing or small fic of Spy from TF2 sick and sneezing?
Poor Spy, he’s not used to getting sick. But after a few days in RED Medic’s fridge, he just hasn’t been feeling like himself. Maybe it’s time for a visit to HIS Medic…
Author’s Notes: So Sorry it took me so long to get this out, Anon! I was on a trip and then I had like a whole stack of drafts to finish….I’m a mess but, I’m here now to provide the goods 🫡 @aller-geez did the art and owns Remi!
Description: Remi has been called in for mandatory Jury Duty, but he's come down with yet another cold. Can he get through it? Or will he be forced to reschedule his duty?
Of all places he had to be, Jury duty. Jesus Christ. Remi sat back in the uncomfortable chair of the court house waiting room, his long thin leg shaking anxiously. His toxic green orbs scanning back and forth between all the other members of the jury that were forced to report here today.
They all looked boring, just a bunch of average looking nobodies. However, today on all the days he had to be at Jury Duty, he felt like an entire bag of shit. His head was pounding, and his body was hot. He snuffled loudly, sliding his suit sleeve across his nose angrily before crossing his arms, and hiding a cough in his shoulder. This was going to be tricky. He needed to get through this bullshit without blowing his whole face off and offending the entire lot of them.
He shifted in his seat, trying to gain some sort of relief from his growing cold. It was usually mild, but today it had taken a turn for the worse and he was scared of how it might affect the outcome of Jury Duty. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on something else, anything that could distract him from this damn waiting room. His eyes landed on the clock above, ticking away minutes until they began their trial. He sighed again, willing time to go faster. The bags under his eyes only growing darker with every passing second. He sat there slack jawed and dissociated for a bit of time, unable to will himself to look of average health.
However, just as he found himself about to get comfortable in the chair again, shifting slightly, he felt a hand tap him on the shoulder and heard a soft voice whisper beside him “Hey there, you don’t look so good. Are you alright?” He turned around with a swift jerk of his body, a little too fast for his clouded head, but he managed, only to find an elderly woman standing beside him with a concerned expression on her face. She must have seen how uncomfortable he was feeling and offered her help.
Remi's body turned ridged and he avoided eye contact with the woman, clearing his throat before answering her. "I'm uh, it's all good, I'm fine," he stumbled over his words slightly as his head slowly spun circles around his consciousness, his face still stinging with an irritating sensation. The woman gave him a sympathetic look and patted him gently on the arm. "Well, if you need anything, let me know. My name is Mrs. Johnson."
Remi nodded his head, not wanting to be rude to an elderly woman but also not wanting to converse with her either. "Thanks,” he responded simply. He watched as she walked away from the peripherals of his vision, before slumping back into his chair. He knew he had to keep it together, but the pressure was getting to him. He couldn't dismiss himself with a doctor's note...seeing as he was in between insurances.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing thoughts. Just as he was starting to relax, a commotion broke out at the front of the room. Remi opened his eyes to see a group of lawyers and a defendant being escorted in by police officers. The defendant was a young teen boy, dressed in a blue jumpsuit and handcuffs.
Remi watched as the jury members all stirred in their seats, murmurs of shock and confusion filling the room. He too was surprised and couldn’t help but feel a wave of emotion wash over him, despite the spinning in his head. The cold that he had been fighting so hard to keep at bay began creeping back in, making his body tremble with anxiety. He looked away quickly, trying not to draw attention to himself.
It was then that he realized how truly serious this situation was and that he might be put in a position where he could make an impact on someone's life. It was both overwhelming and scary, but Remi knew that he had to do his best to see the situation for what it really was; he had to prove he was a valuable member of society to keep the home he and his boyfriend bought. If he didn't play the part, the city could very much make that a problem.
His nostrils twitched as he could feel a rough pressure building in the bridge of his nose. "Shit..." he hissed through gritted teeth. He was going to sneeze, he could feel it, but he couldn't. Not here, it would blow his whole cover of pretending to be healthy. Truly he would walk out if it were up to him, but he thought about Levi, and how disappointed he would be. He also definitely didn't want any of his consequences coming down on the leopard.
So, Remi swallowed the sneeze down hard and shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He felt the burning sensation build up in his face, like he was trying to contain an earthquake within him. He glanced around the room, hoping no one else suspected the tension that had overcome his body. No one seemed to notice or care for that matter, they were too wrapped up in their own thoughts and worries as they waited for jury duty to begin.
Relieved, Remi allowed himself a few deep breaths as he tried to steady his body. But it was like he was playing a game of tug-of-war with himself; part of him wanted to let go and allow the eruption of air out while another part screamed at him not to move an inch lest anyone notice what was happening inside him. He was starting to sweat in his seat. After a few more moments of deliberation, Remi decided it would be best if he just let it out softly into his shoulder so as to avoid a blow out.
"hH-hah~" it started and he shook his head softly, his bright green eyes squeezing shut, unlike him usually, he shoved his mouth into the crook of his arm. Used to letting it out freely. This was different. He needed to accomplish this. Least it be rescheduled and he have to deal with it on a different day....no absolutely not. He took a deep breath, but only found that this made the issue more persistent. His nose twitched uncomfortably, he twisted it in circles to try and starve off the impending doom. Yet it was fruitless, it needed to come out in any way, shape, or form.
"H'KXNT!" He made quick work to cover his mouth head turning sharply downward, despite it being muffled into the fabric of his sleeve, the sound drew the attention of a few of the other jurors nearby. Thinking quickly, Remi pretended to be coughing and wiped his nose quickly before returning his attention to the front of the room. Avoiding any further suspicion. His body was sweating now, and his head was pounding with discomfort. He tried to focus on the proceedings once they were all pulled in, but his mind kept wandering, and he found himself losing track of the conversation.
As the lawyers began presenting their case to the jurors, Remi's mind began to drift. He thought of his boyfriend, Levi, and how worried he would be if he knew just how sick Remi was feeling. He thought of everything they had built together, their home, their life, and their future. He couldn't allow his health to interfere with that.
Suddenly, Remi snapped back to reality as the judge called on him to answer a question regarding the case. He swallowed hard and tried to focus on the question, but his mind was foggy. "I Uh.." he snuffled his nose softly, wiping it obnoxiously on his hand, the judge raising a brow.
"Excuse me, sir, do you need a moment?" the judge asked, concern in his voice. Remi shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. "No, no, I'm fine. I apologize, could you repeat the question?" he asked, his voice wavering slightly. The judge repeated the question, and Remi did his best to answer it, despite the pounding in his head.
As the proceedings continued, Remi struggled to keep up. His mind was working at less than 10% wishing he was at home in bed with a handful of cold meds, he could feel his body slowly shutting down. He tried to focus, but it was like trying to see through a thick veil of mist. He knew he had to make it through this, but he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold on, when his nose started up again...'Not fucking NOW..' he cursed inwardly at himself. "H'GnXT!" he struggled, stifling yet another sneeze into his shoulder, slightly spraying on the juror next to him.
"Ugh...dude?" The guy whispered, looking Remi up and down with a look of disgust.
"S-Sorry man...allergies.." he chuckled breathlessly with a sheepish look on his face.
Suddenly, a hand touched his shoulder, and he turned to see Mrs. Johnson looking at him with concern. "Is everything alright, dear?" she asked. Remi nodded his head, tears pricking at the corners of his emerald orbs.
"M'Fine..." He whispered back to her in response. Mrs. Johnson didn't seem convinced, but she didn't press the issue. Instead, she squeezed his shoulder gently before returning to her seat. Remi wiped his eyes and tried to regain his composure. He couldn't break down now, not in front of all these people.
The trial continued, but Remi found himself struggling to stay conscious. His head was spinning, and his body felt like dead weight. Just as he was about to give up, the judge called for a short recess. Remi slumped back in his seat, relieved for a moment to recover.
As the other jurors began to file out of the room, Mrs. Johnson approached him once again. "Are you sure you're okay? You look like you're about to pass out," she said, worry written all over her face. Remi shook his head, his vision blurry.
"I'b nod....I'm...fibe.." he snuffled and sniffled, trying to fight the urge to rub his nose right in front of the lady.
"Do you need a tissue honey?" Mrs. Johnson asked, offering a pack of tissues from her bag. Remi's eyes lit up with gratitude as he accepted the pack of tissues. He took one out, almost ripping through the packaging like a wild animal and blew his nose with a loud and wet sound, feeling a wave of relief wash over him.
"Thangs…” he said, his voice hoarse. Mrs. Johnson smiled kindly at him.
"Of course, dear. You take care of yourself, okay?" she said before heading out of the room. Remi watched her go, feeling grateful for her kindness but still determined to get through this.
As the recess ended and the jurors filed back into the room, Remi took a deep breath and tried to focus. He knew it was going to be a long day, but with the help of the kind strange lady and her pack of tissues, he was ready to face whatever came his way.
He took a deep breath, which in retrospect was an entirely bad idea. The sensation of that irritating prickle was back in full force, stinging up the inner workings of his nostrils. Remi held his breath, trying to suppress the sneeze. But it was too late, the pressure was building up inside him, and he knew he couldn't hold it in any longer. "H'KXNT!" he stifled, his eyes feeling like they could blow full force out of his skull from trying to hold it down, his body shaking with the sheer vigor of it. He tried to cover his mouth with his tissue, but it slipped from his hand and landed on the floor.
Embarrassed, Remi quickly bent down to pick up the tissue. As he did, he felt a sharp pain in his sternum. He gasped, clutching his chest as the pain intensified. The other jurors turned to look at him, concern etched on their faces.
"Is everything okay?" one of them asked. Remi nodded his head swiftly, his face contorted with pain but then quickly he masked it with a stern and stoic look, despite his discomfort.
"Y-Yeah I'b fide, cad you guds jusd focub on the drial?" he gasped out with slight irritation. The last thing he needed was everyone's god damn eyes on him over a stupid chest cold.
The jurors reluctantly returned their attention to the trial, leaving Remi to try and suppress his urge to sneeze all over the place. He tightened his jaw, squinted his eyes shut, and desperately tried to focus on something else. For what felt like an eternal moment. Just when he thought it was about to subside, the sensation of another messy blow erupted through his body once again. "H'KXNT! HN'GXKT!" he pulled it in twice in quick succession, his body convulsing with each one as his head started to pound against the pressure, his nose now leaking profusely, nostrils dark red and chapped, mouth full of a mixture between saliva and blood.
It was getting out of hand, there wasn't enough tissues in the world to prepare him nor anyone else for such a mess. Regardless, he pulled another piece out of the tiny pack he's been given. He dabbed at his mouth, his swollen nose and he wiped another clean tissue across his sweating forehead. Stuffing the soiled ones within his suit vest pocket.
The other jurors turned to look at him again, some of them looking annoyed. Remi could feel the heat rising to his cheeks, embarrassed by his lack of control. He looked down at his hands, feeling defeated.
Just then, the judge's voice cut through the room. "Mr. Connors, I'm sorry, but we can't have you disrupting the trial like this. Perhaps it would be best for you to excuse yourself and come back when you're feeling better," the judge spoke sternly.
Remi's heart sank. He knew he couldn't leave now, not when the case was so close to being decided. But he also knew that he couldn't keep up this charade any longer. He looked up at the judge, his eyes pleading for one more chance. "Really, I'b bine," he snuffled loudly, snorting up a rough stream of congestion.
The judge shook his head, the jurors feeling rather relieved, worried they might end up with whatever he brought in today.
"No, I'm sorry Mr. Connors. We can't have this disruption in the courtroom," the judge had made his ruling, doubling down on the decision to send Remi home.
The wolf felt his throat catch and he bit back a protest, knowing it would be futile. He bowed his head in defeat and stood up, trying to maintain an air of composure as he exited the room. He could feel all eyes on him as he left, but soon the door shut behind him and he was left alone in the hallway outside.
He turned away from the closed door and started walking down the hallway, not quite sure what to do or where to go next. The urge to cry almost overwhelmed him, but instead, Remi gritted his teeth and continued walking with determination in his step. It's fine, he'll just have to reschedule and perform his civil duties another day. As angry as that made him inside, there was clearly nothing he could do about it right now. He snuffled loudly, wiping his nose yet again across his now stained sleeve, covered in little snail trails of snot.
"Guedd...I'b going hobe," he spoke out loud to himself now as he trudged his way over to his eye sore of a van. He would have to break the failure to his boyfriend when he got home, and he knew that Levi would pity him, and say it was all okay, but, he just wanted to accomplish something finally. Something substantial, he'd never been an active member of society before, and he was only doing it out of love and preservation for what he and his lover have currently built, but it was still effort.
As Remi approached his van, he pulled out his keys and unlocked the door. He climbed into the driver's seat, and couldn't shake the feeling of defeat that hung over him like a dark cloud. He slumped down in his seat and rested his head against the steering wheel, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down.
But just as he was starting to feel a little better, he felt a sudden jolt of electricity shoot down his sinuses, and the prickle was back, full force, ready to take over. He leaned back in his seat, his head raising slowly, his watery, puffy eyes began to squint and his brows knitted upward. "H'h! ...Hh'Hah!" he struggled at first, but knowing he was in the safety of his own vehicle, he was ready to feel some sort of relief. “Hah'TSCHHUU! Hih'iitscHU! H'hah~" falling into a full on fit as his body trembled and shook with each large explosion. “Hh’itsshhhih!!” His open mouth releasing a misty cloud of particles that stained his windshield.
Remi reached for the pack of tissues on the passenger seat, but it was empty. Panicking, he rummaged through the glove compartment, hoping to find a stray tissue or napkin. All he found, however, was an old receipt and a crumpled-up fast-food bag.
"H'hah... no...no...no..." Remi muttered to himself, feeling the snot drip down his upper lip and chin. He reached for his shirt sleeve, but it was already soaked through. He looked around frantically, desperate for anything to wipe his nose on.
Then, he saw it. A stray blue scarf lying on the floor of the passenger seat, Levi's for sure by the color. Without a second thought, he grabbed it and brought it up to his nose, letting out a muffled sneeze as he did. "H'TSCHU!" The sensation was almost relieving, not quite as the previous, but it was better than nothing at all.
As the fit subsided, Remi leaned back in his seat, exhausted and defeated, mouth agape as he tried to catch his breath. He knew he had to let it calm down before he started driving home.
He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to regain his strength. But no matter how hard he tried, the feeling of defeat lingered inside him. He had embarrassed himself in front of the entire courtroom, failed to perform his civil duty, and now he was reduced to wiping his nose on his boyfriend's scarf.
The thought of Levi brought a small smile to his lips, even amidst all the chaos. He knew that Levi would understand and support him, no matter what. But still, Remi couldn't shake the feeling of disappointment. He wanted to be a better person, to do more for their relationship and for society in general.
As he continued to sit in his van, lost in thought, a sudden gust of wind blew through the open window, it washed a sense of calmness over him, cooling his heated face. He needed to get out of this damn monkey suit. Quickly he tore at the buttons, they popped off with ease and he shed himself of the stuffy jacket. "Finabby..." he sniffled once more, sitting in his black under shirt with much shorter sleeves and breathable fabric.
After a short while of just breathing out his open mouth and enjoying the cool breeze, he felt stable enough to get on the road. He grabbed the keys and shoved them in the ignition. He turned it on, listening to the comforting hum of its engine as he put it into reverse and started on his way home. His mood was still sour but it seemed to lighten a bit with each passing street, Guardin playing loudly through his newly installed sound system.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Remi's van pulled up in front of the home he shared with his beloved leopard. He opened the door and stepped out, only to be greeted with Levi's happy face as soon as the man walked through the threshold. "Hi baby!" Levi chimed in relief as he hugged him tight, not seeming to notice Remi's disheveled appearance or how exhausted he was from his courtroom drama earlier that day.
Remi couldn't help but smile at Levi's enthusiasm; it was enough for him to drop all worry and sorrow and just feel an instant wave of relief start to consume him. He leaned back into Levi's embrace, nuzzling into his boyfriend's shoulder no matter that he was leaning downward significantly to do so. "I god send hobe...." he mumbled weakly into the other's body, his calm draining back to that of pure disappointment in himself.
"Oh no! Why'd they send you home?" Levi asked curiously, but also with a tone of concern. If they had been unfairly discriminating against his boyfriend, they would hear an ear full from him. Holding tightly to Levi still, the wolf snuffled loudly, snuggling his face even further against the side of the leopard's neck.
"I'b sicg..." Remi responded, his voice muffled by Levi's shoulder. "I coulng't stob sneeding in courd, do dhey dold me do leabe."
Levi pulled back slightly, concern etched on his face as his light blues scanned over his features now. "Oh no, baby. Are you feeling okay?" he asked, running a hand over the wolf's forehead to test his temperature, noticing the glassy green eyes and irritated nose.
Remi shook his head, his nose starting to tingle again. "H'hah... yeah, I'll be fide," he said, but then taken by complete surprise he lets out another messy sneeze. "Hhuh’itsshhh’ue!!” slipping his hand pathetically over his leaking nostrils.
Levi chuckled delicately, "Let's get you cleaned up and into bed, then. I'll take care of you." He took Remi's hand and led him to the bedroom, where he helped him out of his clothes and into some comfortable pajama pants. He then tucked him into bed and sat next to him, stroking his hair gently after having cleaned up his face with a fresh tissue. "What am I going to do with you, hm?" his facial expression soft and kind as he always was with the man.
Remi smiled weakly at Levi's words, feeling grateful for his boyfriend's love and care. "Jusd lobe me," he said weakly, voice still afflicted from his stuffy and full sinuses. He allowed his eyes to come to a close as he snuggled deeper into his pillow.
Levi giggled through his nose, his hand never leaving Remi's hair as he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. "Always, baby," he whispered before standing up off the bed and turning towards the door. "Don't fall asleep just yet, I gotta get some meds into your system first okay?" he looked over his shoulder at the other.
Remi nodded, grateful for Levi's attention to detail. He watched as his boyfriend left the room, and then closed his eyes again, feeling the weight of the day finally catch up to him. But even as he dozed off, he struggled to feel any inkling of better.
When the little leopard returned with a glass of water and some medicine, Remi easily accepted, taking the pills with a gulp of water. He then settled back into bed, feeling the effects of the medicine starting to work their magic. He let out a sigh of relief, his body relaxing into the soft mattress.
"Thangs, kidden," he whispered to Levi, who was already sitting back down next to him. "Youde nod mad ad me, righd?" a rare sight to see the wolf pouting up at him. The cat could only feel his heart warm as he gently rubbed the man's chest.
"Not at all, Acushla....there's very very limited things you could accomplish that would make me mad at you," those soft freckled features baring down on him, only made Remi feel more at home.
"I'b do lucgy do habe you," the raven haired man sniffled tenderly before exhaling a slow breath.
Levi just smiled, his hand moving back to stroking Remi's hair. "As I, you, my love," The two of them sat in comfortable silence for a while, just enjoying each other's company. And even though Remi's sinuses threatened to over bear him, he found comfort in squeezing tighter next to his tiny mate. Who in turn, stroked his head sweetly, until eventually, the wolf found himself fast asleep, ready to recoup from this horrible cold.
The End
Author’s Note: I hope you enjoyed this piece, Anon 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 I loved fulfilling it for you. Sorry there is no smut I was enjoying the fluffy vibes 😌
I for one would love to see more of Locke and Keye! I love them already 🥺 they have my whole heart
Ooooh, hell yeah! I could use a small drabble to destress from a busy week.
*************************************
This wasn’t exactly the best dungeon you’ve been in. After the temple with built-in waterfalls, beautiful wisteria growing on the walls, and elegant statues of ancient goddesses, this was certainly a disappointment.
However, you’ve found that some of the best treasures have been found in the most unassuming places.
You walked down dark cavern after dark cavern, cold drops of water falling from glistening stalactites above you. The flame in your lantern shuddered, but stayed lit — thank the gods it hadn’t gone out yet. You weren’t sure if you could find your way back if it did.
Suddenly, to both your relief and fear, a quiet babbling of voices broke the oppressive silence. As you drew deeper into a particularly deep cave, the words started to become clear.
“And just whed I was feeling well! Koff!”
“‘S not by fault, Locke! Besides, you’re the first ode who cabe down with this cold - snf!”
“This cavern has a just dreadful draft! And all th-this water besides — adyone would catch a…a cah-! AKSH’SHIHIIIIEW!”
There was a loud rattling, then a groan.
“Oh, why couldn’d they let us guard sobething in a garden, or a sunny forest? Sobewhere warm…and bright…”
“If ifs were nduts, and candies were buhuh-HUH-! HIIIH’tchiew!”
“Oh, shud up, Keye. At least whed you sdeeze, it doesn’t shake you in your frame-”
“I — tchiew! HIH’tchiew! tchhhiew!”
“No wonder I caughd your cold, with how much you sdeeze.”
You were close now, pressed against one of the inner walls of the cave. You weren’t sure who was talking — they certainly didn’t sound like beasts, but they could be guarding the treasure.
But, with how they were sounding, you figured they wouldn’t put up much of a fight.
You peeked your head around the wall, trying to get a glimpse at the two sickly souls who had the misfortune of being stuck in this damp dungeon.
Instead of a pair of guards, or two unfortunate treasure hunters, all you could see was a two old wooden doors with very odd-looking door-knockers: a pair of silver noses, each sporting a septum ring with a dull gem fastened to each.
How odd…you could have sworn…
“Oh dear, with all your s-sdiveling, I feel l-like I bay…bay-! Oh-!”
The door on the left began to shake on its hinges, and to your surprise, the nostrils of the nose-knocker began to quiver and flare.
“H-hooh-! Hah-! HAH-!”
The door bent forward, as if some giant was pulling from the other side.
“AKSSHHH’HIEEEEEEEEW!”
The nose let out an enormous sneeze, making the door buckle under its force. Wind whistled through the cave, and even small pebbles raced across the ground. The flame in your lamp fluttered. The door on the right’s nostrils quivered sympathetically.
“Are you alrighd, Locke? Thad sounded lige a big ode.”
Only a shuddering groan and a sniffle in reply.
Your heart sank. You couldn’t imagine being built in such a depressing, gloomy place, especially for a treasure you could never see. And to have such a terrible cold while being wholly a nose? Even worse to imagine.
You had made up your mind to leave them be, when the tip of your shoe caught a piece of stone, making it skitter across the ground, the noise echoing loudly off the walls.
“W-Who’s there?” Locke rasped, still snuffling.
Keye tried to be more impressive. “Who dares cobe to the lair of the - koff! Koff koff!”
After a pause, you came forward. With a loud bang, a stone door covered what was once the only exit out of the room. Though the noses had no eyes you could see, you could feel them watching you intently.
After Keye had finished coughing, he tried to begin a spiel again.
“We are the Riddle Doors of the Deeb, holding untold treasures too large for the bortal mind to…too…snf!”
Keye paused, his nostrils flaring.
“…t-too large to…compreh-! Hend…!”
Locke began to make his own speech, his voice still hoarse.
“In order to gaid your freedom, and wealth beyond beasure, you mbust solve our r-riddle-!”
Locke’s nostrils also began to flare, and Keye, desperate to finish the monologue, continued between gasping hitches.
“O-Ode tells the…hih-!”
“And the other…HAH-!” Locke finished, his rust-rimmed nostrils twice their normal size.
The riddle was old, hardly worth finishing. However, you had a new problem now — you were looking down the sinuses of two powerful magical beings who were seconds from letting out just as strong sneezes. If one could cause the gale you had seen earlier, what were two of them capable of?
In a panic, you dropped to your stomach, flattening yourself against the damp ground just in time.
“AHKSHHH’IIIIIIIIEW!”
“HATCH’TCHIHIIIIIIEW! TSHIEW! TSHIIIEW!”
Their sneezes roared around you. The cave walls shook, pieces of rock crumbling and falling to the ground. You covered your head, waiting for the shaking to stop.
Finally, the rumbling subsided, replaced by groans and sniffles and coughing. You opened your eyes to see the pair of noses running yellow liquid down their rings, their nostrils drooping. Much to your relief, your blessed lamp still hadn’t gone out — your arm had wrapped around it in the kick of time.
“Mby dearest apologies, traveler,” Locke snuffled. “We aren’d exactly feeling up to sduff, I’b afraid.”
Keye wheezed in agreement.
“Perhabs you can return in a fordnight. Yes, a fordnight, surely…”
You thought for a moment, looking between the two sickly schnozes. Then, you took off your traveler’s pack, reaching deep inside it.
Finally, you find what you are looking for: a long, pale blue length of cloth. You had torn a piece of bedding during your first expedition, and though you had since replaced it, you never discarded the old one. Now, you at last had a use for it.
You tore the cloth down the middle, using the first half to dab at Locke’s leaking sinuses. You motioned for him to blow, and he did — with great gusto. The second piece you used for the same purpose, but with Keye. He blew with a squeaking honk, murmuring his thanks.
“Gods above, I cad breathe!” Locke exclaimed, still a bit congested. “Never have I been so happy to smell old moss and trodden water!”
Keye sniffed happily, wrinkling his bridge with the closest a nose could express of excitement.
“It’s like when I was first smited!” he said.
You lifted your lantern. You knew the answer to the riddle, and you certainly didn’t want to catch a cold yourself by staying here.
However, before you could speak, Locke interrupted.
“Now, hold on a moment! I believe we may offer something better than a few gold.”
You lowered your lantern. Your interest was piqued.
“We were built by several wizards, ones that enjoyed teasing mortals almost as much as they did money,” Keye explained. “We were instructed to guard their treasure, and if any trespassers discovered us, we’d give them a riddle.”
“Something quite easy,” Locke said. “Humans like to feel superior in their intellect. When they were correct, they would receive a few pieces of gold from the wizard’s store. But that often wasn’t enough for adventurers, so we would offer them another riddle, and another, making them more and more impossible for a mortal to solve on their own.”
“When they would eventually get one wrong,” Keye said, “their possessions would be added to the wizard’s treasure, and we would disappear to a new hiding place, leaving them with nothing.”
Locke scrunched his bridge. “Awful business, that. A particularly proud scholar almost starved to death here when she couldn’t find the answer she sought.”
“But now,” Keye said, “we can make things right.”
“If you come to us on the first night of every full and new moon,” Locke instructed, “and give us more heavenly relief, we shall give you treasure as repayment.”
“As long as you leave before you return, and you solve a single riddle,” Keye said, “we can give you twenty pieces of gold twice a month. And, occasionally, whatever else the wizards have gained from their tricks.”
Locke’s nostrils quivered. “And perhaps bring a blanket or two with you? It does get terribly cold at night.”
You thought it over. Forty gold a month was certainly not a treasure beyond human imagination, but it was enough to live quite comfortably. And to help two unfortunate magical objects while thwarting their oppressors?
You nodded, patting their frame in a sort of agreement.
“Oh, joyous day!” Locke cried. “An end to our misery!”
“And to the luck of those evil wizards,” Keye added.
You spoke the answer to the riddle — Keye was the lying one, though he did seem the most trustworthy of the two — and you gained this week’s gold.
As you left, you began thinking about some of your friends in the village above. You were sure the seamstress could make a few blankets for forty gold a month. And the blacksmith could build a furnace into the rock for that sum as well. In fact, you were sure that many people you knew could use forty gold a month.
Locke and Keye would certainly be surprised at the next full moon.
